[Crook32]

I have everything people tell me I should want family, a good job, house, money, etc. however I am trying to destroy everything I worked so hard for. Why do we do this to ourselves. Everyone always tell me I have this perfect life but I just can’t enjoy it. I should be happy with what I have done but my brain won’t let me. I just isolate myself.

[*Beth*]

Well, regardless of what anyone tells you, the way you feel is your own reality. How is it with your mental health support system...do you feel supported by that?

[bpcyclist]

What exactly is going on, Crook? Can you say a bit mrre about all this? We might be better able to assist with some possibly useful words if we knew more of this stroy currently?

Hang in there. This illness is tough on all of us. I spent virtually the entire day in bed, asleep. I am not tired. Or, I shouldn't be. I slept great last night. But this illness, it is like Godzilla or a completely unethical cop in riot gear in Buiffalo--it does whatever it wants to do whenver it wants to do it.

Sending you strength!!!!!!!!

[Crook32]

I am severely depressed. Want to be in bed and sleep all the time. Can’t concentrate on work. Can’t understand things. Have no appetite. Personal hygiene is at a minimum luckily I am mainly home. I feel like I am sabotaging everything in my life. My pdoc and T want me to quit my job because of the stress. My last job they bullied and harassed me for 3 years and it left me with ptsd. My new job isn’t actually that stressful but it didn’t make things better like we had hoped. I just don’t know what to do. I tried a ketamine treatment but found out that lamictal counteracts the ketamine which it did. So know my pdoc is going to want me in the hospital but I might as well quit my job if that happens. I was just there 3 months ago and can’t go again I just started this job in February. I just feel that I have no good options.

[bpcyclist]

I am so sorry, Crook. Depression can be very trick to find the right med combo for, as you know. But there usually is one for almost all of us. What are your current meds, anyway?

For me, over the years, teh meds most helpful for my depression have been lithium, Wellbutrin, and Cymbalta. All the other, maybe 20 or so antidepressants I have tried have been worthless for me.

Sending you peace and strength. Hang in there. Don't give up. This will turn around. It always does.

Genuine question: what is wrong with going to the hospital if you need it? People are getting sick with coronavirus and they are taking time off (typically 1-2 weeks), which means you wouldn't be the only one taking time off if you did go to the hospital. I am not saying for you to pretend you got coronavirus, but I am just pointing out that lots of people are taking time off during these dark times. Also, employers are being more flexible and lenient in general.

I know you went to the hospital 3 months ago, but if you personally feel you need it, then I think your life matters more than any job in the world. Jobs can be easily valued in terms of money, but a life is not something we can assign a monetary value to. If you lose one job, you can try for another. If you lose your life, you cannot try for a second life. I hope that makes sense.

If lamictal is cancelling out the ketamine's positive effects, how would you feel about stopping the lamictal?

[Crook32]

The psych drugs I take:
Lamictal 200mg
Propranolol 120mg
Klonopin 2mg
Lithium 900mg
Seroquel 400mg
Sonata 10mg

I can’t take antidepressants they make me much worse. My pdoc wants to simplify what I take but that never turns out well. I have tried about 14 sleep meds and 12 antipsychotics that I remember. I have done ECT and ketamine. I have this problem that something will work for about three months and then it stops. Also I used to never get side effects now I get at least one with every med I take. We have recycled meds in different combinations hoping it will work. Not sure what my pdoc will think about stopping lamictal just for ketamine. We haven’t given lamictal enough of a chance yet this time around.

[Crook32]

I feel like going back in the hospital is a death sentence because I can’t deal with the aftermath of it. I know it is not totally rational but it is how I feel.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Crook32

I have everything people tell me I should want family, a good job, house, money, etc. however I am trying to destroy everything I worked so hard for. Why do we do this to ourselves. Everyone always tell me I have this perfect life but I just can’t enjoy it. I should be happy with what I have done but my brain won’t let me. I just isolate myself.

I notice a lot of ''shoulds'' in this post. (to be more exact, two in this quite short post). I understand that bipolar and depression makes us feel this way. I do wonder if you have had effective CBT and DBT which might help to rewire the brain? It can be very helpful for some (many?) (in conjunction with the ''right meds''...)

I hope you're able to find a med combo that works better for you, I'm sure that you will be able to

I do think that dealing with the aftermath of psych hospital is extremely challenging.

[bpcyclist]

I totally agree with blue. I have never heard of this business of lamictal countering the effect of ketamine--it makes no sense, scientifically. None. There is just no reason of it. But what do I know?

That lamictal is clearly not doing it for you. Why not give the ketamine a fair shot? I would definitely strongly look at d/cing that lamictal, myself. Just a thought...

Have you ever tried Emsam? What does your aerobic exercise look like these days? It is very effective.

[Crook32]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

I totally agree with blue. I have never heard of this business of lamictal countering the effect of ketamine--it makes no sense, scientifically. None. There is just no reason of it. But what do I know?

That lamictal is clearly not doing it for you. Why not give the ketamine a fair shot? I would definitely strongly look at d/cing that lamictal, myself. Just a thought...

Have you ever tried Emsam? What does your aerobic exercise look like these days? It is very effective.

All I know is that the dr said lamictal would lessen the ketamine effects and it most certainly did. Usually I can’t open my eyes and see vidid images but this time I could open my eyes all throughout and didn’t see any images. I have tried Emsam it didn’t work for me. I was using a punching bag for a while until I had no energy to do it anymore. There is one med that my pdoc mentioned but I have to get weekly blood tests to use it. You can only get a week’s worth at a time from the pharmacy if your blood test is ok.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by Crook32

All I know is that the dr said lamictal would lessen the ketamine effects and it most certainly did. Usually I can’t open my eyes and see vidid images but this time I could open my eyes all throughout and didn’t see any images. I have tried Emsam it didn’t work for me. I was using a punching bag for a while until I had no energy to do it anymore. There is one med that my pdoc mentioned but I have to get weekly blood tests to use it. You can only get a week’s worth at a time from the pharmacy if your blood test is ok.

Was that clozaril/clozapine? It's not so bad. The weekly tests are only for 6 months and 4 years into the med I honestly don't even remember that part. After 6 months it goes to every other week and 6 months later to monthly. And the best thing is the med works. It helps a lot of people that nothing else helps, like me. Until I started clozapine I was in a mixed state most of the time. In the last 4 years I've only had one episode that was bad enough to require 4 days of an increased clozapine dose for hypomania (mania? I don't remember) and those four days stopped the episode. Otherwise I've had little shifts of my other meds and been ok. It's nothing like my old life.

I hope you find the med that helps you. For me it was clozapine and I tried what seemed like them all (really it was more like 40-50 and a lot of combinations of those.)

[Crook32]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

Was that clozaril/clozapine? It's not so bad. The weekly tests are only for 6 months and 4 years into the med I honestly don't even remember that part. After 6 months it goes to every other week and 6 months later to monthly. And the best thing is the med works. It helps a lot of people that nothing else helps, like me. Until I started clozapine I was in a mixed state most of the time. In the last 4 years I've only had one episode that was bad enough to require 4 days of an increased clozapine dose for hypomania (mania? I don't remember) and those four days stopped the episode. Otherwise I've had little shifts of my other meds and been ok. It's nothing like my old life.

I hope you find the med that helps you. For me it was clozapine and I tried what seemed like them all (really it was more like 40-50 and a lot of combinations of those.)

That is the med. I guess it is worth it if it works. Is it a big weight gainer? I already gained 100 pounds from Seroquel. I guess I am just scared of it but like you I have been on many drugs and combinations. I am kind of at the end of my rope. Maybe I will read up on it some more before my appointment Friday.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by Crook32

That is the med. I guess it is worth it if it works. Is it a big weight gainer? I already gained 100 pounds from Seroquel. I guess I am just scared of it but like you I have been on many drugs and combinations. I am kind of at the end of my rope. Maybe I will read up on it some more before my appointment Friday.

It does cause weight gain but I've been able to lose the initial weight and keep weight off with metformin so not really bad for me.

I was really afraid of it and took a long time to come to terms that I needed it but there just weren't any other drugs that were reasonable for me and I was desperate. I went on it fast (I cross-tapered from high dose Seroquel while IP) and I started feeling better about 10 days in and felt better by maybe 3 months. I don't remember how fast specifically but it was fairly quick to act.

[oldbutwise]

Originally Posted by Crook32

I have everything people tell me I should want.

That's nice. Do you have what youwant? Chasing someone else's dream might sound nice, but they kind of have to tell you when that dream has come true. It kind of takes the fun out of it, don't you think?