Giving Up What You Love for Stability

*Beth* · Sep 09, 2020, 11:10 PM

This thread touches me so much that I've been thinking about it for almost 2 days.

Being naturally graceful, pretty, and sexy was important to me. Don't get the idea that I ever flaunted it; I didn't, and I'm not superficial. My sisters always nagged at me to be "more of a flirt" because I so sucked at flirting, saw no point to it.

But my appearance was useful and it sometimes opened doors. Mostly, it was fun! I felt not at all arrogant, but confident because I was attractive and personable. I was grateful for the gift; it made life nicer.

Having bipolar disorder and (if I wanted to remain alive) being on medication, I've had to give up my former appearance and health. From meds, I've gained a lot of weight and gaining weight has damaged my health. That damage to my health will likely shorten my life.

It feels cruel to me to have to give up my own beauty and excellent health because of this mental illness. I am aware of carrying a tremendous amount of shame about myself now, and I hate that. I hate that I used to feel so easily connected to people...I hate that I used to think that people held doors open for me because they were caring and I hate that I've come to find that people used to hold doors for me because they thought I was cute, not because they cared. I feel like I've been smacked every time some man drops a door in my face now.

I think more than anything I resent losing my naivete, my belief that people were nice to me just because "most people are nice and caring." I despise having to be so aware of my body all of the time.

It hurts me to my soul, the way medical professionals *comment* about my weight. Blame every physical issue on my weight. Shame, shame, shame. Shame on you for having a mental illness! Shame on you for being weak!

I really dislike that I wrote this post, and I'm very embarrassed about it. Thank you for this thread, fern. It has really made me self-examine.

bpcyclist · Sep 10, 2020, 06:12 AM

I am sorry, Beth, but you ARE beautiful and cute. It is your soul, your true identity. Don't let information-bereft bigots take it from you.
We are not monsters, but it is what I feel like based on abandonment and stigma. There are way, way, way more bigots in the world than ideal. I have decided to call them what they are.

Stay strong!!!!!!

fern46 · Sep 10, 2020, 06:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

You are making a ton of sense. Change, motion, evolution. These are the constants. Us trying to apply the old intensities in the present is mot healthy for us. I cannot reconstruct faces anymore. Too streesful. But I can use my scientific skills to help others w brain diseases better understand them. Use my teaching knowhow to help. No, I cannot give 40 lectures a year now. I can write maybe one book a year. But that is great now.

Homeostasis and balance. Write when I can.maybe none for a week. Run, pray, yoga, read, socially interact, pray,
write some more. Balance. That is my goal, not being a hotshot famous person. That is history. Happily.

You go, fern.

Homeostasis and balance. Exactly.

I really appreciate the work you do to try and help others understand. So much of the rhetoric pushed upon us would have us believe we are the victim of a simple chemical imbalance. It simply isn't true. I searched for answers and found it is so much more complicated than that.

You educate others on the other aspects that affect them. I try to help in the same way using my background as a jumping point.

Information is a powerful ally. I think it sucks we had to endure these trials, but since we're here we might as well be of service to ourselves and the whole. All of us sharing what we have learned is an amazing thing to be a part of. It is some of that 'more' and 'new' I am making room for.

fern46 · Sep 10, 2020, 06:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BethRags

This thread touches me so much that I've been thinking about it for almost 2 days.

Being naturally graceful, pretty, and sexy was important to me. Don't get the idea that I ever flaunted it; I didn't, and I'm not superficial. My sisters always nagged at me to be "more of a flirt" because I so sucked at flirting, saw no point to it.

But my appearance was useful and it sometimes opened doors. Mostly, it was fun! I felt not at all arrogant, but confident because I was attractive and personable. I was grateful for the gift; it made life nicer.

Having bipolar disorder and (if I wanted to remain alive) being on medication, I've had to give up my former appearance and health. From meds, I've gained a lot of weight and gaining weight has damaged my health. That damage to my health will likely shorten my life.

It feels cruel to me to have to give up my own beauty and excellent health because of this mental illness. I am aware of carrying a tremendous amount of shame about myself now, and I hate that. I hate that I used to feel so easily connected to people...I hate that I used to think that people held doors open for me because they were caring and I hate that I've come to find that people used to hold doors for me because they thought I was cute, not because they cared. I feel like I've been smacked every time some man drops a door in my face now.

I think more than anything I resent losing my naivete, my belief that people were nice to me just because "most people are nice and caring." I despise having to be so aware of my body all of the time.

It hurts me to my soul, the way medical professionals *comment* about my weight. Blame every physical issue on my weight. Shame, shame, shame. Shame on you for having a mental illness! Shame on you for being weak!

I really dislike that I wrote this post, and I'm very embarrassed about it. Thank you for this thread, fern. It has really made me self-examine.

((((Beth)))) Your words touched me. I connected with what you wrote on a deep level. I am sorry you've had to live both sides. Don't feel ashamed. You're grieving and that is real pain. The goal is to learn something and to not be lost in it.

I was never ugly, but I didn't really find myself physically attractive until my adult years. I found beauty in my mind. It opened doors for me. I experienced a lot of compliments and attention because of it. Others listened and I was given authority on several fronts. Then I went insane...

Now others percieve me differently. They no longer listen the same way when I speak. I can tell they question my motives and the quality of my thoughts constantly. I am rarely sought out for my mental skills. People tip toe around me.

It makes me really sad, but I am learning that my worth has to come from within. I know my brain is still capable of great things. I just need to go about it in slightly different ways.

The thing is... I didn't really love myself before. I took my skills for granted. I went through a very scary and life altering thing and then learned what tremendous shame was like. From there, I experienced humility and grace. They were amazing lessons to pick up and I'm not sure I could have seen those aspects clearly otherwise.

There is a silver lining for you. We do not see your body here, but we all see your heart. You are beautiful! Your body can support you and can be what you need. You just have to find the new balance again and new ways to love yourself. We all do.

*Beth* · Sep 10, 2020, 07:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

I am sorry, Beth, but you ARE beautiful and cute. It is your soul, your true identity. Don't let information-bereft bigots take it from you.
We are not monsters, but it is what I feel like based on abandonment and stigma. There are way, way, way more bigots in the world than ideal. I have decided to call them what they are.

Stay strong!!!!!!

Thank you, cyclist. Ya gotta stop writing posts that make me cry

*Beth* · Sep 10, 2020, 11:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fern46

((((Beth)))) Your words touched me. I connected with what you wrote on a deep level. I am sorry you've had to live both sides. Don't feel ashamed. You're grieving and that is real pain. The goal is to learn something and to not be lost in it.

I like that - "both sides." If I kept a blog I'd write about that subject. That, and youth vs. aging. How each tends to be treated in our society.

I was never ugly, but I didn't really find myself physically attractive until my adult years. I found beauty in my mind. It opened doors for me. I experienced a lot of compliments and attention because of it. Others listened and I was given authority on several fronts. Then I went insane...

Now others percieve me differently. They no longer listen the same way when I speak. I can tell they question my motives and the quality of my thoughts constantly. I am rarely sought out for my mental skills. People tip toe around me.

Yes, when people have experienced my unmedicated mental illness they tend to be skeptical of everything I say. Actually- that brings me to another "sacrifice." I certainly never relied on my appearance to relate to people; I also had an intellect and used it. But meds have taken their toll there, too. My cognitive abilities have so declined it's very challening (and exhausting) to socialize. Listening carefully to what someone says, then forgetting it all 10 minutes later. Difficult to have relationships.

It makes me really sad, but I am learning that my worth has to come from within. I know my brain is still capable of great things. I just need to go about it in slightly different ways.

I'm pretty drastically changing my self-expectations while working on being okay with the "new" me.

The thing is... I didn't really love myself before. I took my skills for granted. I went through a very scary and life altering thing and then learned what tremendous shame was like. From there, I experienced humility and grace. They were amazing lessons to pick up and I'm not sure I could have seen those aspects clearly otherwise.

There is a silver lining for you. We do not see your body here, but we all see your heart. You are beautiful! Your body can support you and can be what you need. You just have to find the new balance again and new ways to love yourself. We all do.

Thank you for your wise words, fern. I'm a work in progress

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

fern46 · Sep 10, 2020, 11:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BethRags

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Me too. We're in it together

Daonnachd · Sep 10, 2020, 12:16 PM

I like this topic. I reminds me of a pre-teen book we have around the house somewhere titled "What Have You Lost?" It has a strong humanitarian emphasis, spurring thought just like this does.

So, what have I given up? Memory and cognition. Before ECT my thought was to bash on regardless, but that's not possible now. As a result I have found peace by accepting who I am. Before ECT my goal was higher academics. I twice started grad school and twice had to drop out due to depression. Before ECT my mantra was, "Gotta do more. Gotta be more." I pushed myself in many ways, probably most when hypomanic, but now I embrace first and foremost my role as husband and father, and when possible, an incidental teacher for any who are interested in listening.

fern46 · Sep 10, 2020, 12:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

I like this topic. I reminds me of a pre-teen book we have around the house somewhere titled "What Have You Lost?" It has a strong humanitarian emphasis, spurring thought just like this does.

So, what have I given up? Memory and cognition. Before ECT my thought was to bash on regardless, but that's not possible now. As a result I have found peace by accepting who I am. Before ECT my goal was higher academics. I twice started grad school and twice had to drop out due to depression. Before ECT my mantra was, "Gotta do more. Gotta be more." I pushed myself in many ways, probably most when hypomanic, but now I embrace first and foremost my role as husband and father, and when possible, an incidental teacher for any who are interested in listening.

I think you've found yourself. You know what is truly important. That's golden.

Incidental teacher. I like that

Daonnachd · Sep 10, 2020, 12:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fern46

Incidental teacher. I like that

I used to be a teacher though I can't recall how long. It's still in my blood though. ... As I got up and walked away from my earlier post here I thought, "What if I employed that teacher's heart to write a patient's guide to the ECT experience?" Fern, you may have given me a new goal and direction. Cheers!

fern46 · Sep 10, 2020, 01:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

I used to be a teacher though I can't recall how long. It's still in my blood though. ... As I got up and walked away from my earlier post here I thought, "What if I employed that teacher's heart to write a patient's guide to the ECT experience?" Fern, you may have given me a new goal and direction. Cheers!

Oh that would be so incredible! It could really help a lot of people. I've seen you offer wonderful advice here several times. You know it would be a book patients go back to over and over because they might forget they read it before. J/K

I support you either way. Just dreaming about something new is a good adventure even if that's as far as it goes.

*Beth* · Sep 10, 2020, 04:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

I used to be a teacher though I can't recall how long. It's still in my blood though. ... As I got up and walked away from my earlier post here I thought, "What if I employed that teacher's heart to write a patient's guide to the ECT experience?" Fern, you may have given me a new goal and direction. Cheers!

That would be a great gift to a large group of people (and their loved ones).

I certainly haven't seen much (if any) literature about ECT that is encouraging and truthful. Those old, scary stigmas seem to just hang around. And the "spooky mystery" that surrounds ECT...so outdated. It would be amazing for you to use your natural skill as a teacher to write something contemporary and real about the experience of having had ECT.

*Beth* · Sep 10, 2020, 04:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fern46

Me too. We're in it together

Thank you, fern

bpcyclist · Sep 10, 2020, 05:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

I used to be a teacher though I can't recall how long. It's still in my blood though. ... As I got up and walked away from my earlier post here I thought, "What if I employed that teacher's heart to write a patient's guide to the ECT experience?" Fern, you may have given me a new goal and direction. Cheers!

it would be a gift humanity, D.

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