Depressed again

Ahhh I am back again after all these years. I thought I had all but bested this disorder as I had been so successful in my career and was getting better and better at what I did. Ironically enough I am training to become a psychiatrist and I thought I had learned how to overcome my illness. The past six months I have had more downs in my mood. They are not as serious as I’ve had earlier in my life but they are definitely noticeable and I can feel them. They evoke a similar scared little girl feeling where I just want to crawl into bed and huddle in the sheets for warmth. I feel a constant sense of unease almost like I am spun around a spool of thread ever so tightly. I’m so mad and upset because I have been getting excellent marks on my performance evaluations lately. So now facing all these people who spoke so highly of me I feel like an imposter. I feel lonely even though I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me wholeheartedly. We don’t live together though which may have helped though I probably might have the tendency to isolate even from him. I just want to be alone in my bed and watching TV. I don’t normally watch muchTV. It feels rough because my patients are counting on me to show up for them and I really don’t want to let them down.

I say fight through it. I don’t know much about depression other than the fact that I’ve been in one for the past 6 months and it’s the first one I’ve ever had and has felt so debilitating that I thought I was going to quit my job. I’ve been a teacher for 10 years and didn’t know how I was going to make it. But I keep fighting every day. I have to go to work today and have had about 4-5 hours of sleep, we ran out of coffee, and I don’t think my husband loves me anymore. But I’m going to keep fighting. You got this!

So now facing all these people who spoke so highly of me I feel like an imposter.

I'm going to guess that you wouldn't think that of one of your patients. How can you show the same respect and self care for yourself?

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Depression sucks, no doubt about it. You do not mention medication - are you on medication for depression? Mine became manageable, though not without rearing it's ugly head, once I was properly medicated.