Had a disastrous last game at Scrabble club tonight. It was my fault. I pursued some bad strategy i've been trying to rid myself of for fifteen years called "fishing," to do with trying for the big plays. It's high-risk. It's hard to let go of because i made such a huge investment in it before i knew it was bad strategy. If i would just play more naturally i would do better. But i keep getting sucked into the fishing. It works sometimes so i guess i'm caught in the throes of intermittent rewards. I was playing an elite player tho, so he just kept shutting me down and shutting me down and i lost badly. I should have known better than to fish against him.

I feel bad for being such a mediocre player. I did well in the stats tho. I was practically the only woman who made the lists!

January is almost over, then a short February, then March with the time-change and longer warmer days, then Spring!

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I was 104 pounds before depakote. That was in summer of 2006. Then I went up to 130 in a couple months. Doctor switched me to seroquel and a couple other meds. Risperdal and Ablify and Zoloft. I went to 160 pounds in a couple months. So I went from 104 pounds to 160 in about 10 months. I remember basically instantly going from a size 0 in pants to a size 8. By 2015 I was 236 pounds and a size 22. all because of meds.

I am really sensitive to the weight gain side effect and I think my situation is kind of unusual.

Now that I’m off all those I am super obsessed with my weight. As a result of all that weight gain as a teenager and dysphoria.

Yikes that sounds intense. I can see that being pretty upsetting to go through that in such a short period of time. I hope you can get to a good place with your body and food in the future. Not quite the same but after having anorexia I really messed up my metabolism and gained a lot of weight quickly until I was overweight and I feel like it took me awhile to sort of trust my body again and be comfortable with it and eating normally.

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Mountaindewed: I gains 80lbs in a year because of invega. It caused my prolactin to rocket sky high which put me in a constant state of PMS, which for me includes binge eating salty and sweet foods. And then I started drinking heavily after my husband died. That certainly did not help.

I switched to haldol a couple of years ago which - surprise! - also raises prolactin. I saw a picture of myself at the beginning of summer and was absolutely disgusted. By then I was off the haldol for a couple of months and I don’t drink anymore, MAYBE one drink every few months. Mainly don’t like the taste anymore.

Anywho I’ve been diligently counting calories and have lost 27 pounds. Birth control got all messed up in November so I haven’t lost any more weight since then but I’m hoping now that I’m back on a regular schedule I’ll start losing again.

Just commiserating. Med weight gain sucks.

This also sounds unpleasant to say the least. I wish we could get some psych meds with fewer side effects. One day hopefully

[yellow_fleurs]

Sorry to post twice in a day (well I guess it's technically the next day lol) but I can't sleep and am sort of thinking out loud here. I actually think this Wellbutrin may be keeping me irritable and instead of just adding something else with more side effects to fix the side effects I ought to try going off of it to see. I'm not against psych meds but with my reactions and uncertain diagnosis I just dunno about all of this. I'm debating if I should try therapy only which I did before but before I had birth control to stabilize my moods. I just wish I could talk to the psychiatrist that really knows me and not the one I just met. Oh well, it's trial and error at this point either way haha

[Soupe du jour]

Well, Hubby and I officially moved in to our new home yesterday. Hubby's sister joined us to help us with many many things. There's still lots left to do, but I feel at least that I'm no longer a "guest". Right now we're using some borrowed items until our own belongings reach us. Luckily, the house had one bed with a mattress to sleep on two others without mattresses. There is also a kitchen table and chairs and a few miscellaneous cooking pans/pots and drinking cups/glasses. Yesterday evening we went to a grocery store and bought three carts worth of mandatory stuff. That still leaves us to eat quick to make stuff. The only thing I can really cook, in terms of a minor recipe, are eggs and hot dogs, and simple salads. We've been eating a lot of cold meats and cheeses with bread for at least one meal per day, for weeks.

Tomorrow a handyman friend of my s-i-l is coming to our new home to plan some improvements. He'll stay with us and even a workmate of his will come. In CZ, that means providing beer for the workmate (the main handyman is a recovering alcoholic, so he'll get tea/coffee/juice/water). We will also need to provide them with meals, so we'll need to get stuff take out. My s-i-l said that we need to get foods the main handyman can eat without chewing. Apparently he is toothless. Under normal circumstances I would cook some soup and/or goulash and mashed potatoes, or similar, but we must buy it. Right now we don't have proper plates and bowls. Only a couple odd-sized ones. We'll need to buy at least a 4 person set, as we don't feel good offering paper plates. An extra 4-person set will come in handy, anyway.

I have promised photos, but I'll need a couple more days, since we are so busy. I'm doing OK, but I am starting to realize the unique challenges ahead of me in the next stage of this journey.

[Innerzone]

So many on the thread moving right now(!) I am mostly moved, with just a little more to totally finish. We really like our space (450 sqft studio). The kitchen feels so big, as I've been dealing with a burner plate for 2 years. I organized the whole kitchen last night even though I was quite tired. (Chaos stresses me out, so I get right on organizing).

I'm frustrated with a shelving unit situation with my former landlady (all indications were that it was mine --oh TG you want it, so we don't have to figure out how to get rid of it kind of situation)-- and now she wants to keep it -- or not-- (did I mention chaos?) for a potential renter relative that has already expressed other plans. Yeah, it's crazy. And it's been absolutely central to how I've arranged my space. I LOVE it. I've even offered money (remember, I already thought it had been given to me *and* it was initially bought by a former tenant, so she never even bought it in the first place.) Ok, fine, whatever, I'll just buy one new I thought. But it is out of stock for god-knows-how-long and meanwhile, easily 1/4 of my boxes' contents have nowhere to go. Stuff I use Every.Single.Day. I am NOT happy about this situation. We've always gotten along, I don't understand why she's being this way.

SO frustrating because now I am totally in the lurch.

Everything else is great though. Haha, except my muscles, which are very sore. (Had a scare yesterday when I missed a step and fell with 2 boxes, twisting my knee some. Fortunately, the pain eased up after a couple hours.)

Hugs to all. I may be a bit scarce around here for awhile. Still need to get internet.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Mountaindewed: I gains 80lbs in a year because of invega. It caused my prolactin to rocket sky high which put me in a constant state of PMS, which for me includes binge eating salty and sweet foods. And then I started drinking heavily after my husband died. That certainly did not help.

I switched to haldol a couple of years ago which - surprise! - also raises prolactin. I saw a picture of myself at the beginning of summer and was absolutely disgusted. By then I was off the haldol for a couple of months and I don’t drink anymore, MAYBE one drink every few months. Mainly don’t like the taste anymore.

Anywho I’ve been diligently counting calories and have lost 27 pounds. Birth control got all messed up in November so I haven’t lost any more weight since then but I’m hoping now that I’m back on a regular schedule I’ll start losing again.

Just commiserating. Med weight gain sucks.

My normal weight was 112lbs. I'm 5'6". I was always trying to put on some weight, as I was too thin. Well, I went on Seroquel and over a year gained 100lbs. A couple more years, gained 50 more. The best I've been able to do is to drop 20lbs. I'm sure I have metabolic syndrome now. It's discoursing. Yes, med weight gain is a mean thing.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

Had a disastrous last game at Scrabble club tonight. It was my fault. I pursued some bad strategy i've been trying to rid myself of for fifteen years called "fishing," to do with trying for the big plays. It's high-risk. It's hard to let go of because i made such a huge investment in it before i knew it was bad strategy. If i would just play more naturally i would do better. But i keep getting sucked into the fishing. It works sometimes so i guess i'm caught in the throes of intermittent rewards. I was playing an elite player tho, so he just kept shutting me down and shutting me down and i lost badly. I should have known better than to fish against him.

I feel bad for being such a mediocre player. I did well in the stats tho. I was practically the only woman who made the lists!

January is almost over, then a short February, then March with the time-change and longer warmer days, then Spring!

I'm sorry about your Scrabble game - but you're correct regarding the months! By mid-February we'll start seeing spring here.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Well, Hubby and I officially moved in to our new home yesterday. Hubby's sister joined us to help us with many many things. There's still lots left to do, but I feel at least that I'm no longer a "guest". ...

***HURRAY!***Congratulations!***

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

So many on the thread moving right now(!) I am mostly moved, with just a little more to totally finish. We really like our space (450 sqft studio). The kitchen feels so big, as I've been dealing with a burner plate for 2 years. I organized the whole kitchen last night even though I was quite tired. (Chaos stresses me out, so I get right on organizing).

I'm frustrated with a shelving unit situation with my former landlady (all indications were that it was mine --oh TG you want it, so we don't have to figure out how to get rid of it kind of situation)-- and now she wants to keep it -- or not-- (did I mention chaos?) for a potential renter relative that has already expressed other plans. Yeah, it's crazy. And it's been absolutely central to how I've arranged my space. I LOVE it. I've even offered money (remember, I already thought it had been given to me *and* it was initially bought by a former tenant, so she never even bought it in the first place.) Ok, fine, whatever, I'll just buy one new I thought. But it is out of stock for god-knows-how-long and meanwhile, easily 1/4 of my boxes' contents have nowhere to go. Stuff I use Every.Single.Day. I am NOT happy about this situation. We've always gotten along, I don't understand why she's being this way.

SO frustrating because now I am totally in the lurch.

Everything else is great though. Haha, except my muscles, which are very sore. (Had a scare yesterday when I missed a step and fell with 2 boxes, twisting my knee some. Fortunately, the pain eased up after a couple hours.)

Hugs to all. I may be a bit scarce around here for awhile. Still need to get internet.

Hmmm...landlords/landladies...

Yikes, falling is scary. I'm glad you're okay

[Nammu]

I received a letter from SS today. My ex husband died. He died alone and unknown. There’s nothing on the internet and none of us knew about it. I’m having such mixed feelings about it. I had good reasons for divorcing him but it was the drugs that changed him. I did find one article about him. It sounded like he might have quit the drugs. But it’s so sad. No one knew he died. Word is going out now. I contacted my daughter she let her uncle know and he will tell his mother.

[wildflowerchild25]

I woke up in another complete disastrous panic. I couldn’t breathe by the time I got to work. I had to wait for my supervisor to get in and she saw that something was seriously wrong immediately. I mean, she is the school psychologist, so...anyway I didn’t go into any details but just said I was having “a severe mental health issue” and I absolutely needed to speak to my therapist at 10am. She agreed immediately and even said I could go back to my car for awhile to collect myself. I sat in there for about a half hour listening to music and vaping, which I know is bad for me but whatever. I went back in for an hour and then signed on to see my therapist. I described my issue. She gave me some specific skills to use to help “ratchet down” the panic but she said that the only way this is going to end for good is to work through the trauma. Which I know. I just wish I didn’t have to do it.

Anyway at least on the bipolar front everything is copacetic. My brother and SIL are selling their house and having showings so I agreed to take in their cat until they can find a new house for themselves. Or at least for now, because we all know how cats like to be loaded into carriers and moved into the car repeatedly. I’m hoping my cats will get along with him but if they don’t he can stay in the back room by himself and just chill out. My cats are very chill but they’ve never had another cat around and they’re five so it’s a toss up.

I also switched my son to full remote because hybrid just started last week and already four schools have had positive covid cases. It’s not fair to him to be constantly switching schedules.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Nammu

I received a letter from SS today. My ex husband died. He died alone and unknown. There’s nothing on the internet and none of us knew about it. I’m having such mixed feelings about it. I had good reasons for divorcing him but it was the drugs that changed him. I did find one article about him. It sounded like he might have quit the drugs. But it’s so sad. No one knew he died. Word is going out now. I contacted my daughter she let her uncle know and he will tell his mother.

I'm so sorry, Nammu. What a sad, strange way to live and die. It seems like a lot for you to have to process.

[Mountaindewed]

I just read most of the day. Stayed off social media until now. I watched an hour of the today show. I went to Walmart to exchange a shirt for a smaller size and tank tops for a larger size. I don’t get why Fruit Of The Loom tank tops run so small. But I’m reading stuff my therapist doesn’t like. And I know I have an issue with food restricting. Sometimes I go long periods of time without eating and then I’m at the sink at 1:30AM peeling a hard boiled egg and trying not to pass out. Today wasn’t too good. I am lightheaded and kind of dizzy. I had a lot of fruit though. And some protein. My family and therapist don’t realize how big of an issue this has become. I’m scared to tell them. I have dreams about food and then when I wake up I have to reassure myself the dreams are not true. Basically I first learned about eating disorders when I was 5 and I saw Karen Carpenter on TV. I was intrigued by her and remember asking my mom about her and she told me about her. Then I learned more from a babysitters club book when I was 10. There was also an episode of different strokes I saw when I was 7 where I really learned about bulimia. Then the meds screwed so badly with my weight. I lost a lot of weight and Then my transition started. I manipulate meds like crazy. I take Xanax instead when I’m hungry. I like the self control. I lie a lot to my mom and my therapist. I weigh myself twice a day. I do body checks every time I come into contact with a mirror. I chug a lot of water so I’m not hungry. Basically I have a problem and I’m scared to tell people how bad it actually is. I worry about going inpatient or getting a new specialist therapist. I don’t know. It sucks when my Pdoc and surgeon are all like “you look great!” Not realizing it’s a struggle. Sorry for the rant but it’s been bad today.

[Nammu]

Does anybody know a free site to public information? I’m trying to find out when and maybe how my ex husband died but every frick’n site wants a credit card and in small print admits to charging you monthly. I thought death was public record? It really disturbed me that he may have died alone. Anyway I’m going to the library tomorrow to see if they can help.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Does anybody know a free site to public information? I’m trying to find out when and maybe how my ex husband died but every frick’n site wants a credit card and in small print admits to charging you monthly. I thought death was public record? It really disturbed me that he may have died alone. Anyway I’m going to the library tomorrow to see if they can help.

I know that death certificates cost money. Actually they cost a lot of money--here they are $20/each so finding them online without cost would be suspicious. I'm sure there is some way to find them as public record but I don't know how, especially if you don't know details of his death. I know when my bio-father died we couldn't find out details until we spoke to his landlord and even he didn't know a lot. The hospital didn't know much because he had been transferred to them on a ventilator and we couldn't find out the first hospital because of privacy.

It was frustrating and my heart goes out to you. It's so sad to know someone may have died in a sad situation and without details.

I Hope you get the answers you need.

[Moose72]

Nammu so sorry to hear about your ex husband. I have several friends who live alone- heck ! *I* live alone!- and I often wonder what will happen when they die. Would anybody notify me?

[Nammu]

His brother was in limited contact with him and was able to contact a ministry where my ex husband used to go. It was cancer. I so hope he was not alone.

[Victoria'smom]

So I'm quiet. My case was closed so I may not have insurance next month which means no shot, no medical team (Not that I have one now), nothing. I've been trying to learn how to draw but I suck. I don't think I'm depressed. Honestly I have no idea anymore. H is so much better at then me. It's almost been a year since I isolated. I'm trying to create a color theory class but honestly it's not worth the supplies. I'm not comfortable with teaching but when am I comfortable with anything. It not happening until at least Aug. if at all again. I may teach H color theory and assist him in teaching an art class again. I'm trying to at least do 4 hrs a day on art.

I'm so mad at myself! I swore i wouldn't make any med changes until i was vaccinated but then i've been so tired from what i suspect is a meds-hangover that i got the ball rolling on a benzo taper. I'm mad because i'm already dealing with the unpleasantness of my Winter depression and COVID -- now i want to add possible sleep-deprivation and withdrawal to that? I must be outa my mind!

@Nammu: Sorry for your loss.