[cogladaid]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Welcome to posting here! You can post both places; I occasionally post on other check-ins.

Will you be seeing your med prescriber any time soon?

Yeah I talk to him tomorrow! He’s a great doc I’ve been talking to him a lot lately because of my mood.

[Mountaindewed]

I took my Geodon for the first time in almost 21 hours. I wasn’t having a tough time without them. I was just getting kinda nauseated. I was worn out today but in good spirits and feeling positive about my move.

I actually see my gastro doctor next Friday. I thought I couldn’t get in until April. Maybe my primary was able to get me in sooner. I’m kinda worried the gastro doctor will want to do both an endoscopy and a colonoscopy. I worry about going under. It scares me and I always seem to get depressed afterwards. But at least the colonoscopy sounds like a possibility after this past week. I had one when I was 15 and they are a pain with that stuff you have to drink. When I was 15 though I wasn’t having the stuff I’m having or feeling now. It turned out to just be IBS. And all my other blood work and urine tests were normal back then unlike now. I for sure didn’t have the pain.

Tonight I may need a zofran but I think I get really tired the next day. I haven’t had one in several days. I haven’t quite figured it out though if they are the cause of my next day fatigue. I have a lot to do tomorrow that I can’t be exhausted for.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by MarcusAurelius

Today was my birthday. Because of a snowstorm a few days ago— it’s still impossible to go out or do anything so I didn’t celebrate today. I started a whole new chapter in my life, I left my “late twenties” and entered my 30s. I’m excited to be honest. There was a time in my life I never thought I’d even reach 30. It’s a milestone.

Maybe Monday I can order from a steakhouse and get a cake.

Ooh! Steak and cake! It even rhymes.

I will turn 49 next month. That's perilously close to 50! Seems I was just 30....

[leomama]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Welcome to posting here! You can post both places; I occasionally post on other check-ins.

Will you be seeing your med prescriber any time soon?

I’ve been here since 2014. I have weekly therapy sessions with my psychiatrist .

[Moose72]

I hope I can get up on time tomorrow because N3 has an eye appointment that I need to take him to. Its at 1030 which means I need to leave here by 930.
I took a shower this evening - I needed it and it will save time in the morning. I got a coffee from Tim Hortons on the way home from picking up N3 and S and dropping them home. It was 10 to 5 when I tried to order but they said sorry we are just about to close so we aren't serving food anymore! What?! That's just lazy! I got a coffee but I think that's so lazy of them. I put the coffee in the fridge so I can warm it up for tomorrow morning.

I drove to pick up N3 and S in the next big town over. It was just as well because I had fallen asleep and when N3 called it was 3-something. They gave me a slice of a caramel apple they'd gotten. It was tasty. We listened to my new CD all the way back (and I listened on the way there). N3 asked questions about who was singing. I love him for being interested in stuff like that! He could just as well have put in another CD or turned the radio on. Although I must say that sometimes he does change the CD I'm listening to but this was new so that's why he was interested, I think.

[wildflowerchild25]

I’m in a very dark place right now. I feel as though I can’t possibly handle anything more. I was already contemplating that very thing yesterday but there was an incident that just made everything so much worse.

My son and I got into a fight because he was being disrespectful by looking at his computer instead of responding to us when we were trying to tell him about his mess. When I asked him to repeat back to me what I said, he mimicked me in a demeaning tone. I was calm, I just told him for that he’d lost all his electronics and the right to watch Amazon TV. He could watch regular tv if he wanted but RS and I were going into our room until he could talk to us respectfully. He became hysterical, screaming that he was going to write me a nasty note and that he was NOT going to leave our room. I contemplated our next move, knowing I just could not sit there and allow him to engage and rage at me as it would just let him get his way. But then...then he PUSHED me. Like reached out, watching my face, and pushed me. Not hard, and not necessarily in anger. The look on his face suggested he wanted to see what would happen. Like if he would get his way if he did that. I jumped up and yelled at him to get out, go to his room, and DO NOT COME BACK. I grabbed his shoulders and told him I had never put my hands on him and I never would and it was unacceptable that he had put his hands on me. Utterly unacceptable. He started crying and darted to his room while I went to mine. And I just sat down and cried.

It just hit me how much I’ve failed him. All I’ve done since he was born was ruin his life. I had stupidly thought I could do better than my mom and I can’t. He’s like this now because I never put boundaries and discipline in place when he was younger. How could I? I was sick. I was in and out of the hospital. Then suddenly I was a single mom. Still suffering from bouts of debilitating depression. It was all I could do to make him food.

I just never should have had him. I did it for selfish reasons, and he didn’t deserve the treatment he got. I don’t know how to fix it.

I had this fantasy when I was 15 stuck in a group home. I was so horrified with myself because of how I had failed my family. I felt like the worst person in the world. I felt like I didn’t even deserve to die, because I view death as the ultimate peace and it wouldn’t be fair to give myself peace. I thought I should run away to New York City and throw myself into the streets. Let them swallow me. Let anyone do whatever they wanted to me because that’s what I deserved for being such a horrible person. I deserved a lifetime of misery.

That’s the way I feel now. I don’t even want to die because that would be too good for me. There’s still a brain cell that knows that running away would really be no better than dying for my son because I’d still be gone. So obviously I’m not going to do it. But that’s what I feel I deserve at this point.

I wanted to tell RS the whole sorry tale of the time my son was a newborn, what happened to me directly after, and how I just fell down this path of self destruction ever since. But I couldn’t.

[childofchaos831]

Down right now...

[leomama]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I’m in a very dark place right now. I feel as though I can’t possibly handle anything more. I was already contemplating that very thing yesterday but there was an incident that just made everything so much worse.

My son and I got into a fight because he was being disrespectful by looking at his computer instead of responding to us when we were trying to tell him about his mess. When I asked him to repeat back to me what I said, he mimicked me in a demeaning tone. I was calm, I just told him for that he’d lost all his electronics and the right to watch Amazon TV. He could watch regular tv if he wanted but RS and I were going into our room until he could talk to us respectfully. He became hysterical, screaming that he was going to write me a nasty note and that he was NOT going to leave our room. I contemplated our next move, knowing I just could not sit there and allow him to engage and rage at me as it would just let him get his way. But then...then he PUSHED me. Like reached out, watching my face, and pushed me. Not hard, and not necessarily in anger. The look on his face suggested he wanted to see what would happen. Like if he would get his way if he did that. I jumped up and yelled at him to get out, go to his room, and DO NOT COME BACK. I grabbed his shoulders and told him I had never put my hands on him and I never would and it was unacceptable that he had put his hands on me. Utterly unacceptable. He started crying and darted to his room while I went to mine. And I just sat down and cried.

It just hit me how much I’ve failed him. All I’ve done since he was born was ruin his life. I had stupidly thought I could do better than my mom and I can’t. He’s like this now because I never put boundaries and discipline in place when he was younger. How could I? I was sick. I was in and out of the hospital. Then suddenly I was a single mom. Still suffering from bouts of debilitating depression. It was all I could do to make him food.

I just never should have had him. I did it for selfish reasons, and he didn’t deserve the treatment he got. I don’t know how to fix it.

I had this fantasy when I was 15 stuck in a group home. I was so horrified with myself because of how I had failed my family. I felt like the worst person in the world. I felt like I didn’t even deserve to die, because I view death as the ultimate peace and it wouldn’t be fair to give myself peace. I thought I should run away to New York City and throw myself into the streets. Let them swallow me. Let anyone do whatever they wanted to me because that’s what I deserved for being such a horrible person. I deserved a lifetime of misery.

That’s the way I feel now. I don’t even want to die because that would be too good for me. There’s still a brain cell that knows that running away would really be no better than dying for my son because I’d still be gone. So obviously I’m not going to do it. But that’s what I feel I deserve at this point.

I wanted to tell RS the whole sorry tale of the time my son was a newborn, what happened to me directly after, and how I just fell down this path of self destruction ever since. But I couldn’t.

I’m sorry you’re going through all of that. I am new to your story so I don’t know who RS is or how old your son is.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I’m in a very dark place right now. I feel as though I can’t possibly handle anything more. I was already contemplating that very thing yesterday but there was an incident that just made everything so much worse.

My son and I got into a fight because he was being disrespectful by looking at his computer instead of responding to us when we were trying to tell him about his mess. When I asked him to repeat back to me what I said, he mimicked me in a demeaning tone. I was calm, I just told him for that he’d lost all his electronics and the right to watch Amazon TV. He could watch regular tv if he wanted but RS and I were going into our room until he could talk to us respectfully. He became hysterical, screaming that he was going to write me a nasty note and that he was NOT going to leave our room. I contemplated our next move, knowing I just could not sit there and allow him to engage and rage at me as it would just let him get his way. But then...then he PUSHED me. Like reached out, watching my face, and pushed me. Not hard, and not necessarily in anger. The look on his face suggested he wanted to see what would happen. Like if he would get his way if he did that. I jumped up and yelled at him to get out, go to his room, and DO NOT COME BACK. I grabbed his shoulders and told him I had never put my hands on him and I never would and it was unacceptable that he had put his hands on me. Utterly unacceptable. He started crying and darted to his room while I went to mine. And I just sat down and cried.

It just hit me how much I’ve failed him. All I’ve done since he was born was ruin his life. I had stupidly thought I could do better than my mom and I can’t. He’s like this now because I never put boundaries and discipline in place when he was younger. How could I? I was sick. I was in and out of the hospital. Then suddenly I was a single mom. Still suffering from bouts of debilitating depression. It was all I could do to make him food.

I just never should have had him. I did it for selfish reasons, and he didn’t deserve the treatment he got. I don’t know how to fix it.

I had this fantasy when I was 15 stuck in a group home. I was so horrified with myself because of how I had failed my family. I felt like the worst person in the world. I felt like I didn’t even deserve to die, because I view death as the ultimate peace and it wouldn’t be fair to give myself peace. I thought I should run away to New York City and throw myself into the streets. Let them swallow me. Let anyone do whatever they wanted to me because that’s what I deserved for being such a horrible person. I deserved a lifetime of misery.

That’s the way I feel now. I don’t even want to die because that would be too good for me. There’s still a brain cell that knows that running away would really be no better than dying for my son because I’d still be gone. So obviously I’m not going to do it. But that’s what I feel I deserve at this point.

I wanted to tell RS the whole sorry tale of the time my son was a newborn, what happened to me directly after, and how I just fell down this path of self destruction ever since. But I couldn’t.

I feel honored that you would share so much of your life with us.

I want to point out some things, thoughts I have.

Do you know how many children are conceived for "selfish" reasons? Many. Maybe even most.

And there are plenty of kids who grow up with a parent who is mentally and/or physically ill. I did, in fact. But my mom's mental illness caused her to be horribly abusive at times. Your son has not had to experience that with you, which is outstanding!

It's obvious to me that you deeply love your son. Isn't that correct? Keep in mind that he's at an age when, well...kids can be really hurtful and challenging at his age.

wfc, has your son been in therapy? If he has, did it help? If not, is that a possibility?

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by childofchaos831

Down right now...

Have you been affected by the weather conditions?

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I feel honored that you would share so much of your life with us.

I want to point out some things, thoughts I have.

Do you know how many children are conceived for "selfish" reasons? Many. Maybe even most.

And there are plenty of kids who grow up with a parent who is mentally and/or physically ill. I did, in fact. But my mom's mental illness caused her to be horribly abusive at times. Your son has not had to experience that with you, which is outstanding!

It's obvious to me that you deeply love your son. Isn't that correct? Keep in mind that he's at an age when, well...kids can be really hurtful and challenging at his age.

wfc, has your son been in therapy? If he has, did it help? If not, is that a possibility?

I really appreciate your response. It makes me feel a little better. I know I am not abusive but I am neglectful and that’s how my mom was with me and my brother. It profoundly damaged us. My brother was a drug addict for years and though he doesn’t use any drugs anymore, still is an alcoholic, though he’s now in therapy and trying to cut down. Me, well...I’m me.

My son was in therapy twice, once when he was very young (about six) and for a few sessions in the beginning of the school year. He didn’t really see it as a chance to share feelings, just a place to chat with a new friend. His therapist said he didn’t really need it.

I may be catastrophizing in my mind given all the mental stress I’ve been under. My son was sour this morning when he realized I meant business about no electronics or Amazon tv at all today, but I did let him go to his computer coding lessons so he was happier after that. And he didn’t throw a fit when I told him no more extensions on his iPad time or use of his school computer when he gets home. No youtube on the tv either (which is unfortunately part of our cable package so I can’t exactly get rid of it). But he can have the Amazon tv back.

I’m thinking about getting family therapy though for me and him. I just have no idea what I’m doing, I mean what mom does, and I have no yardstick by which to judge whether his behavior is expected at his age or what I should do to respond to it. The place my pdoc is located at does family therapy but they are only virtual right now which I don’t think would be helpful. Maybe in the summer when he is at camp and I am at home all day so I’m not too exhausted to focus on it. Hopefully things will be more open by then.

[Victoria'smom]

WFC- I feel that so deeply. Your a mom that has done the best she can. Now it's time to get help for both you and your son. I know it's mostly telle-health now but I really think you should start now.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I really appreciate your response. It makes me feel a little better. I know I am not abusive but I am neglectful and that’s how my mom was with me and my brother. It profoundly damaged us. My brother was a drug addict for years and though he doesn’t use any drugs anymore, still is an alcoholic, though he’s now in therapy and trying to cut down. Me, well...I’m me.

My son was in therapy twice, once when he was very young (about six) and for a few sessions in the beginning of the school year. He didn’t really see it as a chance to share feelings, just a place to chat with a new friend. His therapist said he didn’t really need it.

I may be catastrophizing in my mind given all the mental stress I’ve been under. My son was sour this morning when he realized I meant business about no electronics or Amazon tv at all today, but I did let him go to his computer coding lessons so he was happier after that. And he didn’t throw a fit when I told him no more extensions on his iPad time or use of his school computer when he gets home. No youtube on the tv either (which is unfortunately part of our cable package so I can’t exactly get rid of it). But he can have the Amazon tv back.

I’m thinking about getting family therapy though for me and him. I just have no idea what I’m doing, I mean what mom does, and I have no yardstick by which to judge whether his behavior is expected at his age or what I should do to respond to it. The place my pdoc is located at does family therapy but they are only virtual right now which I don’t think would be helpful. Maybe in the summer when he is at camp and I am at home all day so I’m not too exhausted to focus on it. Hopefully things will be more open by then.

I think therapy by yourself could be so helpful. A therapist could give you some guidance as far as what to expect, in general, with your son at his life stage...stuff like that.

[buddha1too]

You've taken your son to a therapist & he/she said they didn't think he could benefit from therapy. That's a good sign. Children go through all kinds of developmental stages...expressing defiance is a right of passage for many kids. I know I could be very defiant! Be kind to yourself. It seems you've got your eye on the ball...that's a sign of good parenting.

[Victoria'smom]

So I got into an argument last night because my son feels he can ditch everything and study abroad. We can't provide a safety net, his plans (or lack there of) is to travel abroad without meds or accommodations, throwing away school/scholarship. It screams of a bad situation. He hasn't mentioned it today but I fear waking up and him just not being here (like moved out) due to impulse. H's friend stepped in and said he could stay with them instead of study abroad Today he agrees to not move until after graduation next year and to take his meds today.

Tomorrow is my first meeting with new T and I'm under the impression everyone hates me. Still feel my dogs going to die any second. My anxiety has had me in bed most of the day.

[childofchaos831]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Have you been affected by the weather conditions?

Yea, it really got to me...
I think I'm starting to come back from it.
I'm trying hard to reach out to people.
It seems to be helping.
And I was able to get some cleaning and chores done too.
Plus go to the pharmacy finally.
Hadn't left the house in over a week.

It was another quiet day. The stay-at-home order has been lifted since Tuesday and i am astonishing myself by being content to stay in except for going to the dog-park. I was sure i would go out out out! But no. I wonder if we will have what the author David Foster Wallace called panagoraphobia (which people in his story got after a video telephony disaster) after COVID is over. I sure like ordering my groceries online and getting take-out and binge-watching Netflix.

I didn't sleep that well last night and it's cut night but i've decided to press on with the benzo taper because i slept well six out of seven nights and that's still pretty darn good. So it's my first night at 18mg Valium tonight. It seems so much!

[Soupe du jour]

wildflowerchild, sending you big hugs I'm not sure I can add much more beyond all of the important things others here have already written in support of you.

Parents can't be perfect. Children are not perfect. The whole fact you absolutely do love your son, and do show it far more than some mothers, is significant. Being a single mother is a major challenge, I'm sure. I hope he recognizes that. He sure should. I hope that soon you and he can talk about what happened and come to a peace. We all are responsible in fights to some degree. A true apology and letting bygones be bygones is crucial.

[Soupe du jour]

My house is finally looking so much more "ready". I'm feeling good about it.

Hubby and I took a nice ride to a couple small villages and forested areas. We discovered a church that dates back to the 1200s AD. It was amazing inside. And no one was there at all. That, in itself, was part of the experience.

We feel much more relaxed today. I do deep down wish we'd finally go to the grocery store, though. It might end up waiting until tomorrow. We have no yogurt, no milk, and no juice of any sort, but could do without these for another morning. At least I have a few creamers we got from a cafe on the road the other day and my strawberry cake.

[leomama]

My doctor doesn’t really care so much about diagnosis as he does about symptoms and what you want to do about them. He very much leaves it in your own hands as to how you want to deal with you.