These last few days have been really weird for me. I don't know how to explain it well. I'll do the best I can. I just want to know if anyone has experienced anything like this before.

Just for context -- I have always been a private person. I'm not the kind to give out my phone number or address, and I'm very social media lite and I'm thinking about getting rid of it all together. I don't use it but it's just a contact and means of communication if necessary. So, the idea of privacy is kind of important to me.

Lately I've been growing very anxious and uneasy about the idea (no reason to believe it would happen) about having to deal with people or uninvited unwanted people in my life. I guess it kind of climaxes with my ex-roommate texting me and being rather pushy in my view about an idea. I'm upset that I did once give him my address. Please understand -- he's not crossed any boundaries or done anything to lead me to feel violated. He's not out to get me and he's probably not thought twice since I've asked him to not reach out anymore. It's just an example to set up what I'm feeling in some context.

I don't want to deal with anyone. No ones judgement, no one peddling me something, no one trying to convince me of something, no one trying to influence of manipulate me -- I just don't want to deal with people.


As I'm writing this, I'm realizing these fears and intense emotions aren't exactly new. I've been known to hide in my room if my doorbell rings and I don't know who it is. If it's unexpected guests, I don't usually feel comfortable with that scenario.


I just keep having these thoughts of having to interact with someone even in the sanctity of my own home. What do I mean? Limited interaction is required out in the real world. If I'm out in it, I have to play that game. I don't want it brought home to me. This isn't "paranoia" -- I don't think there is some group after me or some person violating my wishes -- it's just an intense aversion to the idea and anxiety that because it's not out in left-field it could happen.. it bothers me.

I'm a private person. I don't like to be controlled and I certainly don't like anything outside of my way, my terms when it comes to me. I have a short fuse for when I feel people cross that line. In hind sight, it's always been that way and it's hard to get people to understand.

I'm veering off track, but I feel it may help you understand the situation. For me, life is very much you stay in your lane, you do your thing, and you go. If I can do it myself, I do. I don't even mean things that require professionals from time-to-time. I'm not talking home repairs or plumbing here. I'm talking buying clothes. I don't need a sales rep following me around asking if I need help or what he can do for me. That bugs the **** out of me. In college the book store and I didn't have a great relationship because of that very thing. They eventually learned I am more than capable of verifying two-letter 3 digit codes to such as ED111 to the shelf that says ED111 and verifying the title of a textbook without any help at all. It's not like the store required the associate to pick the books up for you, nor was it policy you couldn't do it yourself -- they just were pushy about it.


My room is all I got. My mom is home all day long and my name is never out of her mouth. She calls me constantly to do this or that -- which is annoying in itself. She's lately been very interested in matters that don't concern her , and pushes the issues and because of the past with her it does a lot to me. I guess I never really feel at ease, is what I'm saying.

So -- while I'm Bipolar II , and I've never been known to be manic or have psychosis. I wouldn't call what i'm experiencing paranoia, at least not as traditionally viewed because I don't think or feel there is any entity imposing anything. I am just pent up with emotions of a scenario that "could" happen.

Even saying that is a long shot. I don't work. I don't leave the house. I don't socialize and I don't interact with much. It's not likely at all someone would show up here for me.

But, I have this want to scrub my identity from the world. I mean, who wouldn't right? No more tele-marketers or bill collectors calling, no junk mail lol.. I don't mean to make it sound trivial and foreboding all at the same time hahaa. I just really have this intense want to be left alone. If home is my safety, and I don't invite you or leave it -- am I crazy to feel someone is intruding?

The more I write the crazier I feel. I know it's not very rational, but I've always felt this way on some level. I'm also one to get very angry about people stepping over their bounds when it comes to the individual rights of people. I guess my gut instinct that connects all this is -- if I want to be left alone, I should be left alone.



I don't think I'm making much sense. Anyway, I guess my question is -- should I be concerned about how I feel? It's recently just increasing and I'm just wondering if I am overreacting (which I am), but more importantly, why?

[*Beth*]

As I understand your post, I honestly don't think you're any different than a lot of people. I can relate to much of what you wrote. If someone comes to my home without advanced notice, unless it's one of my (adult) children, my husband, or a dire emergency I will hide and not answer the door. No way. I'm not paranoid, I just have my own schedule and such...I don't want my life interrupted. In fact, if I do socialize I almost always plan to do so away from home. Plus, I think it's rude when someone shows up without planning in advance.

As for being in a store and having an employee follow me around asking blah-blah whatever, I can't stand it. Having worked retail myself and knowing other people who do, I do know that employees are told by management to do that with shoppers to "be friendly" - but more than that, to be sure people aren't stealing. Once an employee was following me through a store so obviously, chit-chatting, arranging the merchandise, it was annoying me so much that I looked at her and flat-out, calmly said, "I'm not going to steal anything, you don't have to follow me." She looked embarrassed and walked away.

Something I will add is that I am definitely less social and far more sensitive to having people around when I'm depressed and resenting my life.