[BeyondtheRainbow]

Earlier today I got home and couldn't get my door to open until I messed with the lock (which I'd left unlocked when I went out unless I had very uncharacteristically locked that one). So at the time I thought that I hoped nobody was in here. I checked the closets and nobody was here and nobody had taken my money I keep here. So I thought it was just a blip.

Except I can't stop thinking that someone is in here and is waiting for dark to kill me. Every noise I hear scares me. My cat is choosing to be in another room which just makes it worse; I want her to cuddle with me. There have been a few noises I couldn't identify (probably just the house settling) and I'm still scared.

I kind of want to spend the night at my mom's (she lives across the driveway) but I know if I do I'll have a hard time coming back home.

I know this is probably paranoia but it feels like it is too real to dismiss as paranoia.

[Victoria'smom]

Try taking your prn. Sit in a spot that you are comfortable in. I hope this passes quickly.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

PRN, good idea. I have been too freaked out to think. I took my gabapentin. I'm currently allowed a little extra klonopin too while dealing with the loss of my family member. I'm hesitant to take that because it makes me sleep and I am too afraid to sleep.

I'm sitting on my bed with my head jammed against the headboard so nothing can creep up behind me. It means I can't see the other room though (although if I went in there I couldn't see in here). The other room would be wiser as I can see the basement stairs there but I feel it's too open in there or something.

The only room I've not been in all day is the pantry in the garage and it would be a very hard place to hide for long. My cat is acting normally. I know that i'm probably safe. I just don't feel it.

I wish I could explain this to my mom and just sit at her house for a while but she doesn't know I get like this and now isn't the time to explain. Yet if I explain tomorrow she'll be upset that I didn't come to her when I needed help and hurt I didn't trust her. Too complicated..........

[*Beth*]

Ugh, that happens to me every now and then. A prn can definitely be helpful. Personally, I keep white sage to smudge my home when I feel I'm in danger. As for your cat, they can be sooo comforting...can you pick her up and bring her with you to sit on your bed (or wherever) and give her a good massage and some nice scratches so she'll stay with you?

[BeyondtheRainbow]

[QUOTE=BethRags;7038660]Ugh, that happens to me every now and then. A prn can definitely be helpful. Personally, I keep white sage to smudge my home when I feel I'm in danger. As for your cat, they can be sooo comforting...can you pick her up and bring her with you to sit on your bed (or wherever) and give her a good massage and some nice scratches so she'll stay with you?

Unfortunately the cat it on top of the fridge . So she'll come around when she is ready. I guess I can see if I talk to myself if she'll come in here. Sometimes she will. She knows I won't talk to her while she is up there as I don't encourage climbing up there. Good idea though for a normal cat. (Is there a normal cat?). For now I'm just focusing hard on she wouldn't act normally if there were danger in the house. She doesn't act normally if there is a stink bug in the house so I'm pretty sure a man would really upset her.

[*Beth*]

I'm sure you're correct. If anything is out of ordinary in a house, no cat I know of would ignore it.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I forced myself to take my phone ready to hit emergency dial and look through the basement, pantry and garage. Nobody is here, of course. And I'm soundly locked in. I'm still having a hard time believing I'm safe. I even know what this man "looks like". Which is probably the whole issue...My bio-father died 2 years ago yesterday. Before he died I kept seeing him in town over several months. This "person" was the same one as back then but after seeing my father before he died I know that it was only my imagination of what he looked like; he looked very different at death than when I'd seen him 20some years before.

And to make it even more difficult thanks to COVID and some bad timing on my brother's part my father's ashes are in my garage, right next to the pantry where I thought he was hiding.

None of this is making me much calmer though. I'm glad I didn't find anyone but still don't believe it's totally safe in here. I probably need more PRN; don't know if I can take more yet.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

And now I'm hearing a cat that is definitely not mine. I can't tell if it's real or not. I'm too scared to open a door to look out and can't do much if it is a cat. The last 2 times I've tried to help a cat it was the neighbors indoor/outdoor cat taking advantage of me ("Hmm, let's see if she'll feed me and then I'll go home immediately after and rub on my owners legs while Rainbow watches from her porch?").

Anyway I'm distracting myself anyway I can and I'm sleeping with the lights on I think. I need to take more PRN but I am scared to take anything that makes me sleepy. Sleepy is scary.

I need my therapist. And possibly pdoc. I increased my topomax from 25 mg to 37.5 last week. It had been every other day for a month on that dose without issues so we bumped it more Maybe that's the cause? I really don't know.

Fabulous.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm up if you need to talk

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Thanks. I can't really talk though b/c my meds and kicking in and writing is really difficult. I am checking every word to write what I do. And spell check . But I really appreciate it.

Are you having trouble sleeping tonight too? (and then I start a conversation)

[Victoria'smom]

I haven't even tried yet. I'm suppose to go to bed by 11 but I can't seem to calm down from this afternoon. The idea of taking an ambien 2x in a row just bothers me.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I understand. I don't even have any of those meds anymore because I hated them and they only work a few days for me. I would probably be up after your afternoon too. I had several things I needed to get done this evening and couldn't manage to do them because it felt unsafe.

What I really want is to sleepi all day for a day or two. I messed up my meds and took them twice a few weeks ago. That's obviously very bad but it was accidental. I slept for 20 hours or something. I'd like to do that again. But I won't.

I'm going to take my PRN again and grab a bowl of outmeal. Sometimes that' soothing.

[Victoria'smom]

Hopefully your prn helps more.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

do you have a PRN besides ambien? I'm using gabapentin which is mild but effective when the dose is right. I take a big dose daily and a smaller dose PRN.

[Victoria'smom]

No I don't. New T says I have a lot of paranoia Other T's called it anxiety. New T's already pushing more medication. She's not happy that my next appointment is May.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

May is a long time.

Whether something is paranoia or anxiety is just a label. What realiy matters if finding a treatment, in counseling or meds,, that works to stop it

My vision is crossing from meds. Time to get off. Thanks for chatting. I feel much calmer. I hope you do too.

Hope you get ot sleep soon. .

[Victoria'smom]

good night.

[busymomof5]

This is hugely triggering to me because of the nature of trauma that I experienced. I would be hiding and calling the police.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I'm so sorry it triggered you.

I was close to calling the police but before I would do that I'd go to my mom's next door. I just don't want to involve her in that part of my life and calling her for help or calling the police either way would have involved her. So I've spend the last few days working on believing I'm safe. I did figure out why my door was locked; I had left through the basement door and locked it, not the front door which was locked from the night before. It took 2 days to figure that out.

I just walk around with my phone in my hand and talking to myself about how I am safe.

Tomorrow is therapist day. Finally.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I'm so sorry it triggered you.

I was close to calling the police but before I would do that I'd go to my mom's next door. I just don't want to involve her in that part of my life and calling her for help or calling the police either way would have involved her. So I've spend the last few days working on believing I'm safe. I did figure out why my door was locked; I had left through the basement door and locked it, not the front door which was locked from the night before. It took 2 days to figure that out.

I just walk around with my phone in my hand and talking to myself about how I am safe.

Tomorrow is therapist day. Finally.

I hope your session went/will go well and help you become less anxious, Rainbow

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I hope your session went/will go well and help you become less anxious, Rainbow

Thanks. It went well. He thinks I'm just having a big action to the anniversary of my (abusive) bio-father's death two years ago combined with the recent death of my other family member. He gave me some things to try to help calm my brain down and reassured me that if I've checked my whole house I'm safe and that I've been through this kind of thing before. So I feel calmer. More tired, which is good too. I'm hoping to really sleep tonight.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

Thanks. It went well. He thinks I'm just having a big action to the anniversary of my (abusive) bio-father's death two years ago combined with the recent death of my other family member. He gave me some things to try to help calm my brain down and reassured me that if I've checked my whole house I'm safe and that I've been through this kind of thing before. So I feel calmer. More tired, which is good too. I'm hoping to really sleep tonight.

Good, I'm glad you're feeling calmer, and I hope your sleep is good and hard.

Anniversaries of deaths - even abusers' - sure can throw us for a loop.

[~Christina]

Glad your feelingg better

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Not doing so well after all. I'm not so scared but I can't' wind down to sleep. I've taken PRNs without success. I'm missing my family member. I have all kinds of bizarre feelings about bio-dad. I'm just overwhelmed with feelings right now. I wish it were normal times and I could see my therapist in person. He says this is trauma coming out. He's been trained in EMDR since I last saw him in person and has promised that trauma work will be much less painful than the way we did it before (another technique, exposure therapy). So he showed me some EMDR things to try to contain this a bit. I have a feeling though that it would be better to do that in person.

The good thing is that he's had one COVID shot and so I should be able to see him in person in a few more weeks per the protocols. By then I may have had one vaccine myself. EMDR here I come....although hopefully by then I'll have settled.

[*Beth*]

I have my fingers crossed for you, for myself, and for all the other people who really need to get away from teletherapy and see their therapist IRL.