Bipolar check-in #56

I went to the grocery store and when I was parking I noticed a couple coming out of the store without masks on. When I was walking toward the entrance I saw that the usual very large sign instructing people to wear masks in the store was gone. I'm vaccinated, things have loosened up, so I thought Great! I can finally shop without a mask on.

I went through the entire store and yes, I saw people wearing masks. But I thought that they chose to do so, which is fine.

So I got to the cashier line and an employee ran up to me (I mean, seriously ran like his azz was on fire), holding out a paper mask in his hand. He loudly said to me, "Here! You need to wear a mask!!" Everyone in the vicinity turned and looked. I said, "I thought we didn't have to wear masks anymore" - he replied "On June 15th!" So I told him I had a mask in my purse, took it out, and put it on.

I was mortified. And angry. The guidelines are so unclear at this point. And it seemed to me that the employee could have approached me quietly, instead of yelling out to me.

There are huge gatherings of people on Main Street that have beer bashes every week-end, no one wearing masks - yet this dude in a grocery store acted like I had committed a crime.

Then of course, I started beating up on myself...I'm so stupid, I would miss the obvious...blah, blah, blah.

Now my anxiety level is up, depression is up. Lately, I feel like everything I've worked on in therapy for 2 years is shot to hell. That said, I'm going to try some breathing and meditation and try to calm down.

Ha, I guess this is my "During the pandemic I was in a grocery store, and..." story.

A book I ordered that was supposed to be at my old house on April 15th wasn’t being delivered. I went back and forth with their customer service for a few weeks. They’d say “just wait a week.” Then it was “it’s coming we are sure” then I finally got annoyed and asked for a refund. They said that my book is in Australia and will arrive shortly. I’m thinking how the hell did it end up in Australia? I told them that I do not live there. They said “oh. Ok. Then it’s considered lost mail and we will refund you.” They were nice though.

But then today my book showed up at my new house. It had been previously delivered to my old address but then forwarded to my new one and I got it today. The company asked me to notify them if the book arrived. I got my refund already. The book is $30. And I am a super honest person when it comes to things like this so I contacted the company and said my book finally came. I don’t know if I’ll get charged for it but I know I did the right thing by being honest with the company even if they were pretty messed up to deal with.

whatever, you're very quiet today. How are you doing?

I'm so sorry you had that experience in the grocery store. I had a similar experience when I went grocery shopping the other day. The rules here aren't uniform...nor were they uniformly enforced even when things were still bad. Anyways, I asked a woman who was in the parking lot if they were still requiring masks. She said not if one was fully vaccinated (which I am). I asked the same of the first employee I encountered when I entered the store & she said the same. However, about 80% of the people shopping were wearing masks & I didn't have one with me. I was mortified. Who knows how thoughtless or reckless the other shoppers thought I was being! At least no one came running after me like they did in your grocery store encounter.

That written, there's no need to beat yourself up over something like that, BethRags. I know you're in a difficult space these days, but I note you're still picking others up with your natural goodness here on the boards. Perhaps if you recognize that you won't feel so down on yourself? The past two years of therapy aren't down the drain! This is just a temporary setback exacerbated by several bad breaks (London's health issues, etc.). Be kind to yourself.

Oh! And good news! Your Giants finally beat the fukking Dodgers last night, & I just checked the score of tonight's game. The Giants are ahead 11-6 in the bottom of the 9th! Take that LA!!!

I can’t sleep. The weird thing is I haven’t even fallen asleep yet. I’ve had 180 milligrams of geodon, 50 mil of visteril, and 36 milligrams of melatonin. I just have a headache and I feel like Heath Ledger with all the meds I’ve taken. I ate a protein bar to help dissolve everything. Maybe that was the wrong thing to eat. I also had a cup of herbal Lipton bedtime supplement tea. I’m under 20 pounds of weighted blankets. I guess I’ll try the white noise next. Maybe another cup of tea. My sleep hasn’t been like this all year. Usually I have the opposite problem and I wake up wide awake at this time.

@BethRags and all:

Thanks for your concern! I'm really comforted that someone noticed my absence. I got a nice PM from @buddha1too also. So appreciate the caring!

I took some time off to heal from my gory binge of Wednesday and the hideous consequences. It's early Sunday morning and i am feeling about 75% better. Still shaken tho. Will talk with my doctor tomorrow morning and hopefully the severity of the situation will be clearer to him.

Thanks again for your concern!

Have a beautiful day!

Jane.

Finally today, instead of doing next to nothing, Hubby and I discussed next steps for our lives. Obviously no major decisions will be made for a bit, but it feels good at least thinking about it. It's not anxiety-provoking for me, but I can't speak for Hubby.

I grilled lunch on our new gas grill, all by myself. Not that it was hard, but normally Hubby does the grilling. I think I'll do more, nowadays. At least with the gas grill you can get it going quickly, only utilize a portion of it (as needed), and there's no campy smell afterwards, like there is with charcoal. Another advantage is that the food won't be burned as easily. Hubby always burned the grilled food. I grilled tuna steaks with tomatoes for lunch, and also some eggplant slices, but I'm using those for a borlotti bean moussaka we'll have for dinner.

Quote:

Originally Posted by buddha1too I'm so sorry you had that experience in the grocery store. I had a similar experience when I went grocery shopping the other day. The rules here aren't uniform...nor were they uniformly enforced even when things were still bad. Anyways, I asked a woman who was in the parking lot if they were still requiring masks. She said not if one was fully vaccinated (which I am). I asked the same of the first employee I encountered when I entered the store & she said the same. However, about 80% of the people shopping were wearing masks & I didn't have one with me. I was mortified. Who knows how thoughtless or reckless the other shoppers thought I was being! At least no one came running after me like they did in your grocery store encounter. That written, there's no need to beat yourself up over something like that, BethRags. I know you're in a difficult space these days, but I note you're still picking others up with your natural goodness here on the boards. Perhaps if you recognize that you won't feel so down on yourself? The past two years of therapy aren't down the drain! This is just a temporary setback exacerbated by several bad breaks (London's health issues, etc.). Be kind to yourself. Oh! And good news! Your Giants finally beat the fukking Dodgers last night, & I just checked the score of tonight's game. The Giants are ahead 11-6 in the bottom of the 9th! Take that LA!!!

Thank you so much for your encouragement, buddha. I'm very grateful for it.

Go Giants! They've beat the Dodgers twice now...it was overdue!

Today I was kind of mixed. I didn’t get to sleep last night until after 11:30 and then I didn’t get up until 9:30. Then I was crabby and tired but I managed to take a shower. I got food and then went back to sleep for half an hour around 11. I finally needed a plain black cup of coffee at 11:30 just to function. Now I feel ok. My family is over and they are doing chores and we are then going to have a barbecue. Despite the fact we don’t even have a grill yet. They have to run out and buy one from Lowe’s.

But basically today I’ve just been tired and slightly crabby until I drank plain black hot coffee from the keurig. Which I never drink. This stuff was pretty good. But my heart started pounding when moving a bookcase and I had to sit down. I’ve had one Xanax today.

I know I’m just having mood swings and anxiety and sleep issues because of my PMDD which should be over tomorrow or Tuesday and I also know I’m having all this stuff because I’m pretty anxious about my surgery on Friday. But I know things will get better soon and I’ll feel better soon.

Hearing mumbling today. Took a bunch of sedating meds (stuff I'm prescribed at doses I'm allowed to take) and slept most of yesterday, got up at some point and took more meds, slept throughout the night. I tried doing the same today but I didn't sleep as much. I have been "planning." I talk to the nurse Tuesday when I get my injection and I don't think I can take it if I don't get a call back with treatment ideas.

Concentrating's really hard, but hugs to everyone who wants them

I really enjoyed yesterday with my daughter. We had a blast. She bought me the most beautiful flowers (for planting) for a belated birthday gift. I’ve never tried Dahlias so this should be interesting. She’ll be back tomorrow morning for another day of fun and then will head home. I’ll see her again July 4th.

Mom suggested I rent a car and go down to Florida by myself. I’m actually considering it. I’m a loner so it wouldn’t bother me. I went off to Russia by myself. This is much closer. Why not? One reason is that mom is acting erratic and my brother still needs care. It’s still a week away. I’ll see how things play out.

I’m feeling down today for some reason. I haven’t been productive and haven’t relaxed either. A beautiful, wasted day. I’ll try again tomorrow.

I hope everyone has a nice day tomorrow. Hugs to all!

I have the physical symptoms of PMS right now. That’s kinda strange. I’ve had the emotional ones real bad for a few days. Right now I have some cramping and I’m pretty hungry. My PMDD was worse than usual this month but if I do get my period something is not right. It’s not even about the dysphoria if there’s a reason why I’ve been a complete ***** lately I’d be ok with getting it.

My brother in law hung up my TV. I’ve never had a working TV that didn’t just play VHS tapes in my room before. I did have a man cave at my last place though. It’s pretty cool. I have it hung up directly in front of my bed and I also have a chaise lounge that I can sit on. I have Columbo on now. I’ll set up the streaming stuff tomorrow.

But man does this feel like legit PMDD instead of just the pseudo stuff.

I've been okay. I'm hearing things today. It's because I've been "on" since Friday. Since I stayed by myself we picked up our nephews. Shortly after they left H's cousin came and stayed until tonight. So I had to turn down seeing family tomorrow. I feel so bad about it. They had to be explained that I needed a day to recover and recapture the house. There's no way I could volunteer or work given just how done I am with a couple of stressful days. My tactile hallucinations came back for a little and I wanted to SH. I have to really regularly take my anti-anxiety med but taking meds 4x a day just is to hard. I don't realize when I'm stressed/overwhelmed. Right now I have my headphones on blaring music. I should be coloring or drawing but I just can't bring myself to. I'm going to try to go back to doing art 6 hrs a day.

I've been feeling lethargic recently, and today is not an exception, even though I slept at 9:00 PM last night and woke up at 6:50 AM. That's more than enough, but it's still so hard to keep myself awake while working. I also ate a lot for lunch and I want to take a nap before working again. I wonder how long this will last. I can see my productivity getting lower and lower. Just hoping this will pass quickly.

My friend, whom I was trying to avoid, sent me a message at around 11 last night. I forgot to turn off my notifications, so I just turned it on quickly, ignored the message, then fell asleep again.

Also, I've been out the whole day yesterday to get medicine, groceries and do a little work. I hardly had any chance to go to the bathroom. So now, I feel some pain in my bladder and my lower back. Hoping it's not an infection.

What a wonderful gift from your Daughter

Maybe taking that trip would be a wonderful gift to give yourself

Heres to hoping tomorrow is a better day

I think that is a pretty common "day" for many people with Bipolar. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you

Hope you just over did it and no infection brewing.

Sleep well

@Soupe du jour and all:

I want to eat at your house!!! Grats on using the gas grill. We have two in our condo's back park and i understand your nerves. I was worried the thing would explode the first time i used it. But it was fine and i had BBQed sliders for days!

I get your anxiety about discussing the future. Take a pause, why don't you, tho? You've had an incredible amount of upheaval this last six months. Relax and enjoy yourself. France will always be there.

The American humor author David Sedaris lives in rural France and loves it. You wouldn't have the language challenge there. Of course you have your husband's family in The Czech Republic. That's the advantage there for sure. But learning Czech is a tall order.

Je pense, nous deux, nous adore toute chose Francais!

I woke up from my nap and felt pain everywhere. I probably overdid it yesterday.


I just want to thank everyone here. I've been here for only a week and reading all of your experiences and hearing your encouraging words really help me a lot. The only person I could talk about this before was my doctor. Now, all the questions in my head are gradually being answered and it's quite a relief.

I won't chalk this up to insomnia or an episode, but my sleep has been dwindling. I'm down to 4-5 hours a night now. I think it's just the daylight hours being longer. In the past, however, this time of year was notable for triggering hypo & flat-out mania. I don't have any of the accompanying symptoms now, though.

@Sapien...I'm sorry you're still in a strange head space, & hope the visit with your nurse goes well on Tuesday. If you're feeling poorly, there are worse things than sleeping too much, I guess. Hang in there!

@Jennifer 1967...Enjoy the day with your daughter! I hope you can shake the minor depression you were feeling yesterday. As I've written in the past, it seems from everything I've read that you're the designated caretaker in your family. It's unfair to assume that responsibility 52 weeks a year. You SHOULD take a few weeks off each year to spend time on yourself...going to Florida included. LIfe is short, & none of us are getting any younger (me especially!).

@mssweatypalms...I'm sorry to read of your lethargy. It's pretty much the dead of winter in the Southern Hemisphere, though. Have you ever had problems with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder)? Quite often, when the daylight hours wane in our winter, I tend to get depressed & go into hibernation. Just a thought. I hope you feel more energy soon.

@Soupe du jour...I'm glad you've christened the grill & are making good use of it. You sound like a gourmet griller -- oh, great Julia Child of the bipolar-set! As far as the plans you and your husband are making, I'm thinking it would be wise to give the Czech Republic a chance, due to the lower cost of living (France is expensive!). I know it's more complicated than this for your husband, but perhaps a move to Prague (though a bit more expensive than Brno) would suitable? Just a thought. Don't do too much thinking with your "Covid lockdown brains." Hopefully things will start opening up in CZ soon. Also, I hope the fact that it's Memorial Day here isn't getting you and your husband down. Holidays abroad can sometimes be hard -- I know this first hand.

@BethRags...I hope your depression and anxiety are a bit better today. Hey! Your Giants actually SWEPT the Dodgers, & are now just half a game out of first place in the NL West!

@whatever2013...I hope you recovered (mentally mostly) from the effects of your binge. We both know it's possible to get back on the horse and ride after a fall!

@~Christina...I hope your mixed state & physical issues give you relief soon. You're one of the pillars of the bipolar boards as far as providing support to others goes. You're living proof that supporting others is good medicine for the ailments we suffer ourselves.

@Nammu...It warmed up after the brutal day. I hope your silence on the boards the past two days means you're out enjoying the weather!

I've noticed there have been a few more people reading & participating on the boards the past few days. It's great to see! To a person, I hope you're all doing well, & that those of you in the States have a meaningful & pleasant Memorial Day!

This morning I made 3-ingredient peanut butter cookies. One of my favorite simple recipes. 1C sugar, 1C peanut butter (creamy), 1 egg. Roll into balls (dough will be pretty sticky/messy to work with, but it's okay, they turn out good), press down with fork to create crisscross pattern on each, then bake at 350 degrees for 10 minutes.

My sister is coming over today to help me bake a loaf of Italian bread with her bread machine. Looking forward to seeing her, it's been like months since she's come over so that will be nice. She's gonna bring me a coconut bubble tea w/ strawberry popping boba. They are so delicious.

I'm doing well, haven't posted here in awhile, I'm mostly on the Schizophrenia forum (I have schizoaffective disorder bipolar type). But anyway, I got on a monthly injection in addition to my other meds and that seems to be helping me a lot. My mood is good, I'm finally sleeping at night, and I'm not having any more hallucinations or paranoid delusions.

I've been reading a ton, and journaling a lot, I find both very relaxing. The past few days have been rainy and chilly. Today it's not rainy but it's overcast. I like rainy days so I don't mind. Although, it would be nice to get some sun because I'm probably seriously lacking in vitamin D from barely going outside for a few months, and then before that it was winter, so yeah hardly any sun then.

I've started using the treadmills here in the apartment complex. It's nice to be able to get some exercise without having to walk around the neighborhood (I live in a really bad neighborhood).

My birthday is Friday. I'm having my sister get me some cannolis from a good Italian bakery in town