[clydeblack]

Hey guys! Been a while.

I have good things and other weird things.

Currently working a salaried position to supplement my art! Temporary with the possibility of becoming permanent. Feeling surrounded and supported in my life.

I'm also doing everything in my power to run away from this depressive feeling. It's like a wave. I had a breakdown during training week at my job (I don't enjoy the job but I do it because I have to sort of thing). Traditional jobs are hard for me to maintain.

I'm afraid of going to the hospital again. Mostly I just want to lie in bed and do nothing. I force myself not to but I just feel like I'm suffering through every day. I've even lost interest in my art which I force myself to do to. The only thing I enjoy almost fully is being occupied outside around people I love.

I am getting pretty worn down. Despite what I previously mentioned I just want to make art and be around people. But I feel sick so much of the time and then have this job as well. I feel very trapped right now. Apparently I also actually have CPTSD even though I was diagnosed bipolar. I just need a break to enjoy my life. I'm always existential. I probably need more intense therapy, but then I would have to quit my day job and I'm not sure medicaid covers it.

How about you guys?

[*Beth*]

I relate well to what you've posted. I also have CPTSD...I think that a lot of what passes for bipolar symptoms is really the CPTSD. I struggle through every day, too. What's terrific is that you're motivated to do your art. I used to do art and other creative occupations, but medication has flattened me so much, I have very little motivation to create. It's sad.

[mssweatypalms]

One thing that makes me happy is that I found these online support forums where people have the same concerns and actually support each other. Some of my friends have been bringing me down these days. I just wanted them to listen, but they judge me and blame me for not having the same success as they have. For example, one of them said "If I can do it, why can't you? You are the only one holding yourself back." I know the intentions were good, but not very helpful for me right now. They don't understand that it's not like I'm not trying or I'm not fighting, it's something I can't control. I'm slowly falling into depression but somehow I feel relieved to join you guys here. I feel safe and I feel like I belong here.