I had a phone date with a woman (we'll call her "CG") i have been texting with over a dating app. She gave me her phone number and said to call at 9:00am this morning but she didn't pick-up and i just left a voicemail.

I think that's so rude! What a lousy way to start a relationship! Or then again, maybe she got cold feet. But *SHE'S* the one who gave *ME* her number and *ASKED ME* to call!

Maybe she's not reliable. It's been three hours and i haven't heard from her. I really put a lot of work into our texting relationship -- you all know how i like to write! There is only one person i know who writes longer texts than me -- my best friend from high school. She's a teacher. She was my maid-of-honor.

But i am the only person who uses paragraph breaks in texts, to enhance readability. CG just wrote distracted pointless texts full of typos. She's working and has two thirty-something kids and five grandkids.

Maybe she doesn't have time for me?

Anyways, the ball is in her court and i'm just going to heal at home in the dark and silence eating potato chips and swilling Coke Zero. I talk to my doctor on Monday but he's not of any help with feelings of rejection. But at least i have no commitments til then and i can heal in peace.

Jane.

[*Beth*]

You're correct, Jane- the ball is in her court. Please try not to take her behavior personally, as I feel confident that any action she takes (or doesn't) is about herself, not about you. Truly.

[Alive99]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

Maybe she's not reliable. It's been three hours and i haven't heard from her. I really put a lot of work into our texting relationship -- you all know how i like to write! There is only one person i know who writes longer texts than me -- my best friend from high school. She's a teacher. She was my maid-of-honor.

But i am the only person who uses paragraph breaks in texts, to enhance readability. CG just wrote distracted pointless texts full of typos. She's working and has two thirty-something kids and five grandkids.

I had a "friend" who was similarly unreliable. I exposed myself to such stuff for years with her. I stuffed the feelz down but they all hit me later, much later. It's a lot of pain....yeah so don't bother with her I would say, unless she has a legit excuse for this one. But if it happens again then it's simply her being careless and unreliable. Don't bother with that kind of person.

Interestingly enough, that "friend" also wrote texts like that. Maybe there is a link between the two. Lol. Unreliable, careless, attention disorder, god only knows. But even if it's an attention disorder, they would need to take responsibility for it and do something about it.

[unaluna]

I read that as thirty-two grandkids and was like wth?!

Are you sure it was not a 9pm date?

@BethRags and @Alive99 and all:

I know you're right, that *HER* behavior is all about *HER* and that she possibly has untreated attention deficit disorder which *SHE* must take responsibility for.

But this is the first time i've reached out for a same-sex partner and she seemed genuine, if very busy and not being attentive in her texts. Just so disappointed that i invested two weeks of trading texts with her every day, getting closer and closer for her to blow me off like that when we both agreed we were ready to talk on the phone.

Just feel so rejected.

Jane.

[MickeyCheeky]

So Sorry you have to put with this! Please Do not give up! i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about trying not to take it too personally and making sure it was the correct time perhaps. Hopefully she will call you back so that she can explain what happened. in any case it seems like you did what she requested. Hopefully things will Improve really soon for everyone. Try to talk to your doctor if it can Help you make you feel Better even a little bit. Please do keep us updated if you can and want to. Try to do something nice like cooking. Sorry if this post wasn't Helpful. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @whatever2013, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[Alive99]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

@BethRags and @Alive99 and all:

I know you're right, that *HER* behavior is all about *HER* and that she possibly has untreated attention deficit disorder which *SHE* must take responsibility for.

But this is the first time i've reached out for a same-sex partner and she seemed genuine, if very busy and not being attentive in her texts. Just so disappointed that i invested two weeks of trading texts with her every day, getting closer and closer for her to blow me off like that when we both agreed we were ready to talk on the phone.

Just feel so rejected.

Jane.

Yes. That's exactly how it went with her for YEARS. You describe this very well. Please don't repeat it for years like I did because I ignored how it felt so it just got worse.

It gets complicated because she wasn't that unreliable originally. She just got...I don't know what changed. She did mention she was considering getting a consultation about ADHD medication. But looks like she never got that sorted out.

On second thought, she was kinda always a bit like this though, it just got worse later.

She did seem genuine and all that, too. (Then later she got too negative too)

It's absolutely not about you. I hope you'll find someone else who's more reliable.

[bizi]

I am sorry you got hurt Jane. But don't ruin the hard work you have done on losing those 10 pounds.Maybe find a different treat for your self, like a pint of blueberries. Sorry you are hurting, this is about her and not you.
Don't give up your power to her.
bizi

@MickeyCheeky and @Alive99 and @bizi and all:

Thanks for all the wonderful support!

MickeyCheeky, i know i had the right date and time because i checked her text.

Alive99, i agree, people who won't give us the time and attention we deserve are not worth it. Glad this relationship only dragged out for two weeks and it wasn't even worth that. Will be more vigilant with the next person.

bizi, i've never understood what people mean about "giving away your power." Can you tell me what you mean by that?

Jane.

[Ursula Shackleton]

If this is the first time she's done something like this, I wouldn't make assumptions as to why she didn't pick up. Emergencies do happen, so it could have been something like that. If her grandkids are there a lot and they're babies or very young, that can be rough. Things tend to come up more often with little ones. If she's regularly unreliable, that's a whole other thing though.

Hope it all gets sorted out and that it's nothing that's a big deal.

*hugs*

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

bizi, i've never understood what people mean about "giving away your power." Can you tell me what you mean by that?
Jane

I know, i know! Youre driving down a road, and a bridge is out. Do you a) give the bridge your power and drive into the river or 2) DONT give away your power and figure out a detour?

The NEXT MINUTE of your day is you driving down the road of your day. If the person taking away your power is in your actual house, then thats a different problem. But usually im in my own house, and its a phone call or an email or snail mail that puts me off my route. It can put me into the river for 3 months before i rise to the surface again. I dont have that kind of time to waste anymore. Altho im sure it was convenient for my mother as a disciplinary method.

Wow, Unaluna, that's an adroit analogy!

Thanks!

Jane.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

Wow, Unaluna, that's an adroit analogy!

Thanks!

Jane.

Don't let her behavior effect yours eating chips when you really need to practice with taking self care. Don't let her have that much power over you.
you are stronger than that.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[Alive99]

Originally Posted by unaluna

I know, i know! Youre driving down a road, and a bridge is out. Do you a) give the bridge your power and drive into the river or 2) DONT give away your power and figure out a detour?

The NEXT MINUTE of your day is you driving down the road of your day. If the person taking away your power is in your actual house, then thats a different problem. But usually im in my own house, and its a phone call or an email or snail mail that puts me off my route. It can put me into the river for 3 months before i rise to the surface again. I dont have that kind of time to waste anymore. Altho im sure it was convenient for my mother as a disciplinary method.

I have that problem too. Last 3.5 years I've been in that river though trying to stay over the surface. Thanks to two people that I'm no longer even in contact with, though I've sorted out a lot about one of them in my mind, the other one I'm currently having acute issues about with a lot of memories coming up that I didn't even remember before.


I don't really understand how you avoid all that.

Originally Posted by bizi

Don't let her behavior effect yours eating chips when you really need to practice with taking self care. Don't let her have that much power over you.
you are stronger than that.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

How do you do that? And your profile says, happiness is a decision....how

[buddha1too]

Originally Posted by Alive99

How do you do that? And your profile says, happiness is a decision....how

@Alive99...I sense you're fairly new to the boards (or perhaps haven't been around lately). If you're looking around for some of the kindest & most supportive members on the bipolar boards, bizi's among them. Her comment wasn't meant the way you interpreted it. I just thought you should know.

[Alive99]

Originally Posted by buddha1too

@Alive99...I sense you're fairly new to the boards (or perhaps haven't been around lately). If you're looking around for some of the kindest & most supportive members on the bipolar boards, bizi's among them. Her comment wasn't meant the way you interpreted it. I just thought you should know.

Sorry, I'm not sure what you mean, but thank you anyway for trying to help. I was genuinely curious about what she meant and I hope she'll be okay with saying more on it. I'm not in a good mood, so maybe that's what you noticed?

[RoxanneToto]

It is disappointing, while I agree she might have genuinely had something important come up at the time you were meant to have the date, she could equally be a flaky person and got cold feet. It’s up to you if you want to give her another chance, or benefit of the doubt, but I will say it’s better to just nip it in the bud if she comes back to you, then doesn’t apologise *and* make up for it properly, or doesn’t have a real (or a vague) reason for not answering the phone. If someone really is interested in you, their behaviour would likely generate less of these nagging doubts and second guessing.
I’ve had ‘friends’ in the past who have done similar (the worst example in my case saw me waiting at a bus stop for over an hour, for someone who wasn’t even coming; they’d changed their mind overnight and didn’t have the courtesy to text me! We’d been friends for a few years but not for much longer after that, especially as it wasn’t the first time she’d bailed out on me. I just didn’t see the point any more, and I felt better when I stopped talking to her, because the perceived rejection really was eating away at my self esteem).

@RoxanneToto and all:

Thanks for sharing your story with me. I feel similar, that i don't have the inner resources for someone who is going to be flaky. Sure, it's possible she had an emergency, perhaps even got COVID, horrid as that would be.

But i remember being in the hospital recovering from an emergency appendectomy and i still made two calls to cancel plans with friends. I want someone who will do the same for me.

Hugs,

Jane.

[Alive99]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

But i remember being in the hospital recovering from an emergency appendectomy and i still made two calls to cancel plans with friends. I want someone who will do the same for me.

Wow! People do do that?

(I'm not being sarcastic! I don't care if this comes off stupid but I really had that initial reaction to your post. I've just made a thread in the relationships forum section asking about the actions of a true friend so this is highly relevant to me...)

[RoxanneToto]

@Alive99 I know you weren’t being sarcastic, it’s just sad that your experience (not being made aware something had happened/change of plan etc) has become so commonplace now (hence your reaction). But yeah, some people are still courteous enough to let others know something happened (if they can, sometimes it really isn’t possible. No sarcasm meant in my post, either lol).

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

@RoxanneToto and all:

Thanks for sharing your story with me. I feel similar, that i don't have the inner resources for someone who is going to be flaky. Sure, it's possible she had an emergency, perhaps even got COVID, horrid as that would be.

But i remember being in the hospital recovering from an emergency appendectomy and i still made two calls to cancel plans with friends. I want someone who will do the same for me.

Hugs,

Jane.

I totally understand Alive99's reaction to your last paragraph, unfortunately. However, I know gems like you do exist, whatever2013. Your reaction to call those friends from the hospital is the ideal (and recommended) situation, when it is possible.

There are a lot of sad double standards out there. Like when some people (certainly not all) are hospitalized in a psych hospital and don't get the same well-wishes as ones who go in for a surgery or recovery from an accident or sudden health issue. Obviously a person in a psych hospital may not get the department "fruit basket", there are such things as get well cards. I got nothing during any of my 10 psychiatric hospitalizations. Even my husband was the only person to even visit me, even though my siblings and father lived only 30 mins from the hospital and my home. When my husband told my dad that I was in the hospital, he simply said "Tell her to give me a call when she gets out and feels better." And believe me, I was always a loving daughter and sister. Maybe we weren't joined at the hip, but it was still sad. When my nephew was in the hospital a few times, I visited him. When my brother was in the hospital because of his heart, I visited and supported him. Some people just don't. I don't know that one can call them heartless, but some people are just different. In any case, I was one of the last people my nephew saw before he died by suicide. He took me out to lunch, and treated me. So, it's true that such caring means a lot. I just wished I could have even done more. Perhaps if I had been well, I would have?

I remember not only contributing money but also participating in the walk for a work colleague's efforts for the Susan Komen Breast Cancer Walk (her mother had breast cancer). But that same colleague didn't even send an email of sympathy when my mother died of cancer, suddenly. [Her mother survived.] Or when my youngest nephew lost his life to suicide from bipolar depression. You know, even the colleagues that hated my guts could have still shown some kind of consideration. But they didn't. It's a sad pill to swallow, but again "C'est la vie!" And to note, I had never done anything negative to that work colleague. Not that I haven't to others, for one reason or another. We all have our failings. I've fallen off the map, neglecting friends.

It's not always fair to judge those who seem to give less and receive more. Mental illness makes it hard, sometimes. Even without mental illness, some lead (as Walt Whitman wrote) "lives of quiet desperation". In any case, those who give should get some understanding and thanks. Those that keep giving for nothing almost seem like saints. We're not all cut out to be saints. Some of us, including myself, have grown weary, at times.

Maybe that online friend panicked. It's hard to know. Unless I'm misunderstanding, you were both exploring a same-sex relationship? Perhaps the lady was just less confident than you about such a step. Not that that minimizes your anxiety. But we aren't all as ready as others. I admire your strength very much, whatever2013! So many of the things you've written about have been inspirational, lately. Maybe the friendship with that online friend is over. Maybe not. But you have good friendships with many others. Keep reaching out for another friend. Keep reaching and someone will take your hand.

[mssweatypalms]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Rejection has always been my biggest fear. Most of my triggers are connected to rejection. I'm really bad at handling it. One person who rejected me told me, "Rejection is a part of life. You should get used to it." I wanted to punch him in the face. I know it, but it still hurts. Knowing something is painful doesn't relieve the pain.


It must hurt a lot, so I hope you'll be able to get through this.

@Soupe du jour and @mssweatypalms and all:

Soupe, you make me feel better. I don't know how much more "reaching out" i can do tho as i feel my high mood winding down. This is the second day i've spent hiding inside.

It's entirely possible that CG is unsure of her bi-sexuality, but surely she could communicate THAT, instead of just blowing me off. I invested a lot in courting her, the least she could have done is asked for some time to figure herself out. It would have been the humane thing to do, not just give me her number and ask me to call and commit to a phone date...

And then just not pick-up or send me any apology or explanation.

Mssweatypalms, thanks for the support. Rejection is a trigger for me too, probably from seeing my parent reject my older siblings, one-by-one. Also, my divorce at 29 has left wounds which haven't healed.

I'm 54 now, maybe they never will. This experience with CG has certainly got me wondering if romance is just too intense for me, given my mental illness. I certainly don't want to spend more days on end trying to heal from rejection.

I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO!!!!!

Jane.

[Alive99]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

It's entirely possible that CG is unsure of her bi-sexuality, but surely she could communicate THAT, instead of just blowing me off. I invested a lot in courting her, the least she could have done is asked for some time to figure herself out. It would have been the humane thing to do, not just give me her number and ask me to call and commit to a phone date...

And then just not pick-up or send me any apology or explanation.

Oh yeah, exactly! I keep forgetting how it feels to actually feel and be convinced of how it's not okay to just ghost like that. I had this "friend" and they tried to make me feel like it's not even normal for me to not like that. Like I gotta think up excuses and accept it. Like I gotta have empathy for their crappy behaviour but not empathy for my own reaction, my own feelings about it??


Like, the fact of focusing on the other person (who's done the not-so-acceptable thing) and on their feelings is going to be invalidating to our own feelings. It simply keeps the focus on the other person even though THEY did the problematic behaviour. And then it is going to end up as an excuse for the behaviour. Is how it is for me. Maybe that's just me but it's how it is anyway.


I mean yes maybe this woman who ghosted you like that there "just panicked", and that could be understandable, the *feeling itself*, but it doesn't make the ghosting any more acceptable whatsoever because it's still damaging for the other person who's being ghosted (you in this case). Like, you can of course get over this, but it's still energy and effort you have to put in to get over it like you yourself said.

So yeah, maybe someone feels panic or whatever but it doesn't mean they need to act like this. The action is separate from the feeling.

I really don't want anyone to tell me anymore how I shouldn't expect simple things like "but surely she could communicate THAT, instead of just blowing me off" (quote from you). I don't want anyone to try and make me feel like it's "too much to expect", how could it be too much when it takes like two minutes to do?!??!?!!

I really hate that feeling by now, when I get to be made to feel like it's "too much to expect". Even though it's about a thing that does NOT take LONG to do, or take MUCH effort or any of that and it's basic respect and everything. So yeah, it's not rational, to feel like "it's too much to expect". But I've felt that way way too often in the past because of how I was expected to empathise with the person who I was "expecting too much of".


So your post is very validating to me. Thank you.

I'm 54 now, maybe they never will. This experience with CG has certainly got me wondering if romance is just too intense for me, given my mental illness. I certainly don't want to spend more days on end trying to heal from rejection.

I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO!!!!!

So true, I so completely agree, lol.


Hope you'll feel better and that you'll be completely over this soon.

[Alive99]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I totally understand Alive99's reaction to your last paragraph, unfortunately. However, I know gems like you do exist, whatever2013. Your reaction to call those friends from the hospital is the ideal (and recommended) situation, when it is possible.

My reaction was because I was too often expected to accept such flaky and uncaring (yes!!) behaviour in the past.

If I wanted to talk about it, to sort it out, I would receive manipulative blame in response, various deflections, drama, and the expectation that I should not expect "too much" of the person. I was told in various ways that I'm expecting too much, that it's NOT normal to want to be treated with respect and not taken for granted and so on. That it's NOT normal to want to be in contact when it's supposed to be a close friendship. Etc.....


I'm also sick by now of stuff like, "you didn't express yourself right and that's why they wouldn't care to hear you". Firstly, what is "expressing right"? No such thing apparently. Secondly, what matters is the topic, not how well I managed to express about it. If someone lets the latter overwrite the importance of the former, I don't even want to talk to that person ever again. It's how sick I am of it by now.

We all have our failings. I've fallen off the map, neglecting friends.

But if they were in serious trouble, you were there for people is what you are saying. And I was made to feel like it's not normal to want people to be there for me when I'm in a crisis.

What I was instead told was that I'm "always in a crisis" and "sorry that I didn't pay attention to this one crisis of yours of many". (That was obviously a complete lie by the way, that I was always in a crisis)

Things like that.

Maybe that online friend panicked. It's hard to know. Unless I'm misunderstanding, you were both exploring a same-sex relationship? Perhaps the lady was just less confident than you about such a step. Not that that minimizes your anxiety. But we aren't all as ready as others.

I think your idea of trying to empathise with the person who did the harmful or otherwise unacceptable behaviour can be good for one thing: to help understand that their behaviour isn't about us but about them, so it doesn't reflect on us.

But I think such empathetic explanations of why the other person did the harmful or otherwise unacceptable behaviour end up invalidating if it doesn't include the empathetic explanation for how we feel about the behaviour and how it's harmful or otherwise unacceptable.

Actually, I think that is what should be explained first, empathy towards the injured party needs to be expressed first before expressing empathy towards/about the other person doing the behaviour.

This way there won't be a risk of it being invalidating. This way it avoids biases, if the concern is to be impartial in the first place.

Do I make sense? Let me know.