[leomama]

I’m feeling super irritated. First I was feeling good, then when I got home from a meeting and my daughter was in the shower I got super irritated as I thought she was in the shower with her bf. She just left for camp for a week to be a counselor.

Meanwhile my ex bf and I are going on one last trip together cause our manager gave us time off together and j didn’t know how to tell him “no”. (I also thought it might be a good idea to “get away” and finalize for myself why I don’t want to be with him anymore.)

I’m going over in my head what to say to him but the truth of the matter is I don’t need to say anything, I’ve already said it all. He’s trying so hard to be accommodating but it’s all bs because he’s really not interested in changing at all.

I’m taking steps to leave the job we both work at where almost everyone thinks he’s so awesome. It’s so ironic to me, it’s just like my ex husband, even someone at work was singing the praises of my ex husband.

So yeah I’m irritated and I’m done.

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I was reading about Heath Ledger last night and how he died of an acute accidental prescription overdose because he just wanted to sleep. It was a bit unsettling since my situation is similar and I’ve often had a lot of that stuff he took in my system at one time because I’m desperate to sleep. When I read that he was 28 when he died I clicked out of the article.

I didn’t take any Geodon this morning. So my hunger is controlled. My anxiety is pretty sucky though. I went to Sonic and I only got 2 iced teas instead of 3. A pair of shorts I ordered April 8th finally came to my correct address yesterday. Don’t buy stuff from Facebook ads. But the quality of these are really good and they fit perfectly. Often stuff from Facebook ads are either scams and you never get the product, or the sizes are way off and a large is more like an XS.

I just chalked it up to a loss and I didn’t involve my mom at all because I knew she’d be hounding me nonstop the entire time with the same questions “have you heard back about the shorts?” “Have you looked into talking with someone at the company?” And I just don’t have the energy for those types of questions so I just never told her. But at least they finally came.

But yeah my anxiety is just tough today. Again. My Valium often just goes right through me. The way the Xanax did. My primary doctor mentioned one time that my supposed chronic kidney disease could possibly be making my mental health meds not work as well. I don’t know if that’s true or not but my anxiety has been pretty bad for awhile.

This doesn’t just feel like normal anxiety. I remember starting to feel this way on June 4th when I was in the hotel right after my surgery. The night before at the restaurant I felt great. and before that things were fine. Then the night of June 4th I just felt this like shift in my emotions and anxiety and I haven’t been the same mentally since. It’s strange.

It is very sad what happened to Heath Ledger. Do you feel like you need more help with managing your meds and taking them safely? It is always tough to ask for help, but if you worried about it then maybe it is a sign to ask your therapist or someone for help? I have not been around here much lately, but it seems like something you are struggling with at the moment. Stay safe!

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Now that this therapy has opened my eyes to the real issues, some of the symptoms have simply fallen away. Praise God and hallelujah that I found this person. It’s going well.

In addition, I have determined that there are specific days of the week that I will take completely off. Total stress reliever.

I hope everyone has a peaceful weekend

Yay! Glad that it is going well and you have a plan!

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

It is very sad what happened to Heath Ledger. Do you feel like you need more help with managing your meds and taking them safely? It is always tough to ask for help, but if you worried about it then maybe it is a sign to ask your therapist or someone for help? I have not been around here much lately, but it seems like something you are struggling with at the moment. Stay safe!

I did mention it to my Pdoc. I told him everything. That I was completely out of control with my Xanax. And that I was often taking 5 a day, that I was running out early. I was really honest with him and I fully expected him to take me off my Xanax. Instead he said “how about we try Ativan instead?” The Ativan turned out to be Valium. I never had an issue with Ativan even when I was on 2mil a day. So that’s why I agreed to it. Both the ER and my therapist seemed a bit concerned that I was on Valium. I’ve started having my mom hide my meds at night. But during the day they are on the kitchen table. She can see me take them but never pays attention.

I ended up having to take 4 valium today. 2 were just half an hour apart. Then I took all my night meds except for the Geodon. Right now I don’t feel anxious and I don’t feel the need to take my Geodon right now. I’ll take my melatonin in a bit though. This day is just really dragging on. It isn’t even 3 yet.

But my appetite has been very controlled all day. I ate just because I had to. Not because I wanted to. I didn’t have any weird cravings. So if I can lose weight by switching my meds around it will help in other areas of my life. My Pdoc asked me one time if I’d feel better if I lost weight. His comment seemed a bit rude to me. Like was he calling me fat? Especially since I had been talking my therapist about how unhappy I was with my weight (I’m about 30 pounds under 200 pounds so some people don’t get my weight issue.) But she was freaking out that I had an ED. I mean, he wasn't wrong with that remark even if it was kind of off color.

[Mountaindewed]

Honestly I’m not doing very well. Even my favorite TV shows didn’t help me feel better. And they always do. I’m really hoping my vacation next week helps me out a lot. I took my Geodon and 2 melatonin’s. I’m just waiting for them to work. But I’m just at a loss right now.

It probably didn’t help that I had ramen and ice cream and not much else today. I’m getting a bit of vertigo which may be my meds or whatever. I took the 2 80 Geodon half an hour ago.

[Moose72]

@Mountaindewed You are still acting wild when it comes to what to take when. Take only your prescribed medications the exact way they are prescribed and that's it. You are going to slip up one day and not wake up. Period.

[Victoria'smom]

Mountaindewed I'm concerned for you. Is there anyway you can get your meds in bubble packs and have your mom just leave out the bubble pack for the day?

[Mountaindewed]

In the morning I can take all the ones I’ll need for the day and put them on the counter and then give my mom back my box.

I fell asleep fast but I woke up at 11:40 with bad nausea and heartburn. I had this nightmare about my dead dogs brain that was still preserved but was starting to disintegrate. So my mom had to take it to the vet and we were all worried we were going to get rabies.

Things weren’t as bad as they usually are on Saturday nights. Usually I’m really a mess. I only took my Geodon and melatonin.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Honestly Moutaindewed it sounds like your mom needs to control your meds more. The 2 valium in 30 minutes thing is scary. The first one didn't have time to work and then you took the 2nd. That's probably why you haven't felt good today. You can get really addicted to valium and need to take it cautiously. If you have questions about how often 3x/day is then please ask your pdoc and don't just guess. That's really scary to read. We want to support you but you are scaring us and it's hard to know what to say. Just please, please be careful.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

I hope you are breathing better now? That must have been scary. Did you get a new piercing? That's exciting! I am probably too late for the sale, but I do like Toms and foxes sound super cute!

ETA: Happy 10 year PC anniversary!

Thanks

Yes my lungs did improve and I didnt need steroids !!! I was very worried about that.

Yes I got a septum piercing.. Its healing well.. ill be happy when I can change it out.. I am never fond of the initial piercing piece..

Hope your doing well

[~Christina]

I saw my T Richard on Wednesday and he told me that the NP taking over my Pdocs patients is as we expected is taking everyone off Benzo's. I knew the day would come. Richard is furious that she is doing this.

I see her the 25th or 26th ..

I'm a very complicated person when it comes to medications of all sorts. Dr Graves ( 10 years) knew the hell we would go through to find something that worked and I could tolerate.

I plan to make a list of all psych meds and the reason I can't or wont take them for X reasons.

I have no idea nor did Richard what kind of taper she will decide upon.

I have been on some form of Benzo probably off and on, (More on) for 12+ years. Xanax also helps with my chronic pain from Fibro and PsA. My GP nor any Doctors around here will prescribe Benzo's or Pain meds unless its acute injury and then a person is taken over by a specialist. The Government has pushed Doctor into corners and every Doctor I have is disgusted by it.

Pain clinics will do nothing for someone with Fibro. My Rhuemy for PsA will give steroids if my imflamation level is too high.

I have enormous stress when it comes to my husbands heath issues. Xanax is honestly the only thing that can help me get any kind of sleep. So life long insomnia with no break in sight is what I will be looking at.

I have tried every single non benzo medication for anxiety and nothing works. There are a few that I cant even try again because I'm now on medications for physical problems that can not be mixed.

My family and friends are extremely worried what is going to happen to me and honestly they have every right to be. When I hit day 5-6 no sleep I have zero rational thought then.

I know that I am not special and people are taken off Benzo's all the time.

The emotions and thoughts I am dealing with since Wednesday are not good nor safe.

[Victoria'smom]

@~Christina I hope the taper is so slow that it's pretty much non existent. That she will fight for a slow taper and will help you stay on the meds you need even benzos. Please reach out on day 3 of no sleep. 5+ days are too long.

[Mountaindewed]

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare anyone. I won’t post about my med situation anymore. If I have a concern about unsafe behaviors I’ll bring it up to my therapist instead of on a mental health forum.

My anxiety is the worst right now. I have no idea why. I’ve been up for more then 4 hours trying to deal with it. I just want 2 hours of sleep. I have my music but that’s about it. I just got under my 8 pound weighted blanket so I’ll see if that helps.

I have an intense fear of gaining weight and I’m obsessed with weight loss. so I guess that’s where a lot of my issues can be traced back to. Again I will mention it to my therapist. I saw her on Monday and she couldn’t fit me in for another 3 weeks. I’m not comfortable asking if she has a cancellation and anyways I’ll be gone Tuesday-Friday of next week.

I’m curious about how my anxiety and vacation will coexist. Sometimes all you need is a vacation but other times it’s just a bad distraction from your normal life problems.

I tried the weighted blanket. Now I’m just both hot and anxious. It’s about the time I usually get up. So I wonder if I should just stay up since it doesn’t look like I’ll be getting back to sleep. I opened my shades so I could watch the sunrise

[Victoria'smom]

I did nothing today. We started our diet today. We tried publix meals for 1. They were awful. So we had the tacos that we were suppose to have tomorrow Premade from publix also. So I ordered cheap individual oven safe tins. I'm uncomfortable with my weight. I've gained since on my new AP. Diet

Possible trigger:

I'm cutting out all non-water drinks and getting use to scheduled meals and serving sizes before changing what I eat. I have the tins so I can't skimp on serving sizes. I need to do something but I'm scared I will fall back into my eating disorder habits. I'm being very methodical about things so that concerns me. My dad's in town and wants to take me to dinner. I need to get everything health wise under control before it becomes to much of a problem. I'm going to do it my way. Not with more pills. PCP doesn't believe my diet is the way it is.

My blood still all messed up but I'm on medication for it. I never rescheduled my drs appointment. I have trouble caring. I think I maybe getting depressed. I was suppose to do a markers class the past two days but I'm waiting on H & M to do it with me we're doing it as a family.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Mointaundeweed nobody said not to post. Posting may be important so we can be part of your safety team, if you want us. I just meant be careful and you probably should talk to myour podcast about exactly to take how much of what and then really stick to that.

I will be so happy when all this euro2021 stuff ends.

it's the final tonight, and I really don't care who wins if I'm honest

england win- great news for the country, great moment in history, but proably talked about for weeks after (their's even talk of an extra bank holiday if england win)

italy win- not so good for england, lots of frustrated england fans, but italy are a really good team and have won the world cup a few times

money is defenetly on italy

[MuddyBoots]

Feels like my brain swelled up then dried out likde a raisin. I'm afraid of sleep now too many monkeys with knives hiding out around here.

[Mountaindewed]

I tried talking to my mom. I mentioned wanting to be in a php or iop. My anxiety is so bad. But she thinks me being in a program will delay other things like therapy, my surgery, and getting back to work. She said after we come back on our vacation she’ll find me a new primary, a gynecologist, and a kidney doctor. My primary doctor had told me my kidney disease could be making my mental health meds not work.

But she just wants me to get through until our vacation which is on Tuesday. So I just have to get through today and tomorrow.

She also says I’m bored since I don’t work so everyday is the same for me besides sunlight and sunset

I get where she’s coming from though even if she doesn’t exactly understand. She’s always been my biggest supporter but she still doesn’t get the whole anxiety thing. She gets the whole trans thing but after 15 years she still doesn’t quite understand the anxiety part.

I found out today my old vet died. She hadn’t been working since Covid. I liked her but I’m not really phased by this since I hadn’t seen her in about 2 years.

I feel a lot better after taking my 20mil Geodon. I thought taking that plus 2 80’s would be too much at night. So I tried going without the 20 for a couple nights. But things were too bad today so I just decided to take the 20. I took a Valium along with it and I feel much better. I think if I take the 2 80’s at night and the 20 in the morning then things will work out.

I was on 2 80’s when I was 15-16.

I took a couple melatonin hoping to sleep until 6 or 7 when I can take my night meds. The melatonin worked but only for about 35 minutes. And now I feel even worse anxiety wise then I did earlier.

My mom got me some lunch meat with my own money when she was at the store. Claimed she wouldn’t give any to my sister. I made my sandwich before they came over so she wouldn’t see it. now of course her and my sister are both eating it. Why tell her about it when you said you wouldn’t and she doesn’t know it’s even there?

My mom is supportive and all that but really. Why not just buy some lunch meat for the both of them while she was at the store. I don’t want to be *****y about it because then she’ll feel bad.

I’m in major need of a Valium and probably my lamictal and propalanol too since it’s been about 24 hours since those.

[Soupe du jour]

I actually did some driving today, in my new country. I hadn't much at all since moving here over seven months ago. I hadn't even driven much for about six months before our move, since I had to sell my old car and was home almost 24/7 because of the pandemic.My new car is a manual transmission, like my old car. However, every didn't car has a slightly different feel about it. When I drove today, I regretted wearing the sandals. I'd feel better wearing my Sketchers. I only really drove a route that Hubby and I have taken several dozen times, so the slight different in road rules were very familiar. The parking lot at the hypermarket was a rat race, which stressed me. Also, around the rotaries (traffic circles) people too often don't follow the rules. The worst part of the trip was trying to back up into our narrow garage. I confess that Hubby had to do it in the end. It's too unsafe to pull in forward. Not the pulling in part, but the eventual backing out. We live on a dangerous curve and there are often pedestrians showing up unexpected, including little kids.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I saw my T Richard on Wednesday and he told me that the NP taking over my Pdocs patients is as we expected is taking everyone off Benzo's. I knew the day would come. Richard is furious that she is doing this. ....

Outrageous!