[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

.....I don’t suppose it really matters, we’re all there for ourselves anyway right?

I don't know...when I'm part of a group I'm there for myself, but also there to give support and care to the others. I'm guessing that most people feel the same way.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I don't know...when I'm part of a group I'm there for myself, but also there to give support and care to the others. I'm guessing that most people feel the same way.

I agree, for me also when I'm part of a group I'm there for myself but also I'm there to give support and care to the others. I think most people feel the same?

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I don't know...when I'm part of a group I'm there for myself, but also there to give support and care to the others. I'm guessing that most people feel the same way.

Yeah. I guess I’m just trying to make myself feel better for not feeling like I belong. I feel like I belong here but I’ve been here for 9 years haha I will only be in group until the end of the summer. It would be nice to find a support group in my area, there definitely are some, but I’m too afraid to go by myself. Years ago I went to the DBSA one near me and I just felt so anxious and awkward. I was supposed to meet someone there but he never showed and I went in because it had been a 30 minute drive.

I think nami has groups in my area but again I don’t know if I could bring myself to attend.

I almost feel like…arrogant for assuming no one else feels the way I do. Like of course there are people who have the same issues as me. I feel like I’m too far out there with my 20+ hospitalizations and tendency to err on the side of mild to severe psychosis at times. But there MUST be other people in the group who have that background or at least something I can relate to. I’m just so used to shutting everyone out.

[MuddyBoots]

I'm scared of my injection appointment tomorrow. She always does a check in to see how I'm doing and the last two times I went she ssuggested the hospital and now things are mostly the same but I keep hearing someone whisper instructions to me to end my life in a specificfashion and I'm seeing things in the fourth dimension again and some of the things really scare me. But the parasites say I'm to try and not sleep as much as possible for climate change (I know that sounds off but explaining the intricacies would take forever). So I haven't slept much lately. Haven't eaten either in case someone wants to kill me therefore the parasites they're good. I know it's best to be honest, bbut I don't think I should tell her about how I ran on the roads wearing all black at 3am without a headlamp if she asks about risks like she sometimes does and that's really the riskiest thing I did in the past 24 hours. Not discussing the hypersexuality either. This doesn't sound good, it's really not tas bad as it sounds though I just have a mission that makes me a target, but I have teh earlier available appointment on the 21st with my med provider and talk to my t that day too. I can get my lithium levels done outpatient too after i talk to my med provider or maybe she'll want to wait (I don't). I probably should get my hip checked out, but all I need to do is rest it and ice it and I'm really bad at resting.

[Lizzie1813]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

It's good that you're in therapy. I'm ''ok'' today, apart from anxiety and some frustration at some people.

Is it possible to engage in an activity which gives some positive payback, rather than thinking you ''should'' engage in this activity? I know this can be difficult or even impossible when severely depressed.

If I was a therapist, I would count almost any activity as a plus which would get you away from the TV for a while. I have never engaged in the TV as a distraction from depression (or any other painful mood disorder) A mean T actually complimented me for that. Not a compliment as it was said in a mean tone of voice but still.... However a family member used the TV to excess and for much less of a ''good'' reason than you, imo. I'm sorry you're struggling.

Thanks for sharing.

And thanks again for the link, I think it will be useful to many reading

Thank you for your advice. I did do something though unsuccessfully…I tried repainting a doll. I made a mess of it though so I felt let down. Tomorrow I might get out my watercolors. I texted my therapist and told her how I’m feeling. She agreed I should talk to my pdoc about my depression. I talk to her on Wednesday. Thank you again.

[Moose72]

Starting Soon I will have to take N3 to work very early in the morning for several days in a row. I am not looking forward to this.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Yeah. I guess I’m just trying to make myself feel better for not feeling like I belong. I feel like I belong here but I’ve been here for 9 years haha I will only be in group until the end of the summer. It would be nice to find a support group in my area, there definitely are some, but I’m too afraid to go by myself. Years ago I went to the DBSA one near me and I just felt so anxious and awkward. I was supposed to meet someone there but he never showed and I went in because it had been a 30 minute drive.

I think nami has groups in my area but again I don’t know if I could bring myself to attend.

I almost feel like…arrogant for assuming no one else feels the way I do. Like of course there are people who have the same issues as me. I feel like I’m too far out there with my 20+ hospitalizations and tendency to err on the side of mild to severe psychosis at times. But there MUST be other people in the group who have that background or at least something I can relate to. I’m just so used to shutting everyone out.

So used to shutting everyone out...I understand very well

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I actually did some driving today, in my new country. I hadn't much at all since moving here over seven months ago. I hadn't even driven much for about six months before our move, since I had to sell my old car and was home almost 24/7 because of the pandemic.My new car is a manual transmission, like my old car. However, every didn't car has a slightly different feel about it. When I drove today, I regretted wearing the sandals. I'd feel better wearing my Sketchers. I only really drove a route that Hubby and I have taken several dozen times, so the slight different in road rules were very familiar. The parking lot at the hypermarket was a rat race, which stressed me. Also, around the rotaries (traffic circles) people too often don't follow the rules. The worst part of the trip was trying to back up into our narrow garage. I confess that Hubby had to do it in the end. It's too unsafe to pull in forward. Not the pulling in part, but the eventual backing out. We live on a dangerous curve and there are often pedestrians showing up unexpected, including little kids.

I am so proud of you for driving !!! I can't imagine needing to drive in another country.. As for parking and backing out? oh that would be so hard for me to manage also. I'm glad your Husband took care of that

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Outrageous!

Yes it sure is

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Hello from the blistering heat of the California valley. Yes folks, it's another day of scorching 111 degree heat, as I continue my move to my new gaf. I'm sure glad I don't own much to be moved.

Argh the temp? I would literally die, no lie I would die.

Yes having less stuff makes things much easier. I am so happy that you got an upgraded apartment

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I took the weekend off per my new plan. Now I’m rested and ready for a busy week ahead. I tentatively plan on being available MWF so I’ve been able to schedule social events and fun activities for the other days. I’ve got them covered the other days. I’ll be more effective and less overwhelmed although one of my family members is kicking and screaming against the boundary.

I mainly wanted to wish everyone a peaceful week ahead

I am so HAPPY for you

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Hi all. I feel a bit off today. Too much caffeine and not enough substantial food I think is part of it. I had my neuropsych test results today and have mixed feelings. Of course I am glad to know I do not appear to have a major memory problem or something, but they explained I probably just am anxious and a perfectionist and being too hard on myself and should see a therapist. This is actually all quite true and applicable to some aspects of things, but a lot of what I am complaining about is more about issues affecting my quality of life that are not necessarily tied to my anxiety. Like, getting lost in places I have been so many times, brain fog, problems paying attention and recalling anything I have learned or that I have met people. They said I don't seem to have attention problems from the test, but in daily life I feel like I do and several people in my family have ADHD. I am frustrated because I have at the moment run out of things to work on in therapy and based on a discussion with my therapist was going to take a break, but now I am being told I should do more therapy for anxiety to help these perceived cognitive issues.

Okay enough of that rant, sorry just frustrated. On a more positive note I am going to work on getting back into being more physically active. It does wonders for all my issues, and while I have some physical limitations I know I am not doing as much as I could. That and eating better. Speaking of which I am super hungry and going to get some food. That should probably help my mood, too.

Hope everyone has a good night!

I am very happy that your Neuropsych came back ok and no problems but then to be told " go back to therapy" would really be upsetting.. Have you ever been able to use Mindfulness for anxiety?? I use to be able to use that and it really helped at times with anxiety and Panic... but I just cant get there right now, I do need to work with my T to help me refocus and do it effectively again.. I dont know if something like that would be helpful..

Hope you found something yummy to eat

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I know how you feel about not wanting a huge bill because I can't sleep. And weight gain is a big ugh for me also (been there too ) I wouldn't reach out for help on day 3 (or whenever)

Hugs to you!

Thanks Fuzzy I'm sorry that you struggle also

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I am like 100% terrified right now because there is a severe thunderstorm going on and for some reason I had a bunch of dreams last night about tornadoes and trying to stay safe and not being able to. Very terrible coincidence. However there is no tornado watch or warning up and tornadoes are very rare in my state, especially in tight suburbs where I am. It really wouldn’t have much space to gather strength and touch down. The storm is already moving out anyway.

Otherwise I am feeling a bit depressed today. I have self harm urges but as long as I hold my unicorn they aren’t very strong. I’m recriminating myself again for the choice and volume of food I ate at the fair. Yesterday I also ate poorly. I haven’t had much of an appetite today but I am forcing myself to eat regular small snacks and lunch because if I don’t I will get so hungry later that I won’t be able to make good choices.

I also feel like I don’t really belong in the group I’m in. Not that I don’t need it, more like I don’t seem to have the connections with people like the other group members do. I don’t usually let my stone cold heart make connections with people anyway but it would be nice even if we don’t stay in touch. There’s one woman I connect with because I understand her feelings of anxiety and paranoia but I don’t know if it’s returned. I don’t suppose it really matters, we’re all there for ourselves anyway right?

I'm glad the storms were moving out.. I use to love Storms. But we got hit really bad here years back and now I panic..

Back when I first needed IP's I tended to find " friend types" numerous I kept in touch with and still do on Facebook, (Well I had to unfriend and block a few They were what I call emotional vampires) But I started to realize that really trying to help someone out because I went through X before. But it wasn't helping myself to get better, more stable. So for the longest time now I really keep to myself and focus on what I need. I always take a book, Usually one that I have read over and over because I can't focus.

There is nothing wrong with focusing on yourself

[~Christina]

I feel like I am in wash rinse repeat mode. I have zero patience for most anything. I have snapped at Steve a few times and I feel awful and quickly apologize. He knows that this will likely be a disaster and I could do something stupid..

Sometimes life is just wicked hard..

Hugs to all ~

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I am like 100% terrified right now because there is a severe thunderstorm going on and for some reason I had a bunch of dreams last night about tornadoes and trying to stay safe and not being able to. Very terrible coincidence. However there is no tornado watch or warning up and tornadoes are very rare in my state, especially in tight suburbs where I am. It really wouldn’t have much space to gather strength and touch down. The storm is already moving out anyway.

Otherwise I am feeling a bit depressed today. I have self harm urges but as long as I hold my unicorn they aren’t very strong. I’m recriminating myself again for the choice and volume of food I ate at the fair. Yesterday I also ate poorly. I haven’t had much of an appetite today but I am forcing myself to eat regular small snacks and lunch because if I don’t I will get so hungry later that I won’t be able to make good choices.

I also feel like I don’t really belong in the group I’m in. Not that I don’t need it, more like I don’t seem to have the connections with people like the other group members do. I don’t usually let my stone cold heart make connections with people anyway but it would be nice even if we don’t stay in touch. There’s one woman I connect with because I understand her feelings of anxiety and paranoia but I don’t know if it’s returned. I don’t suppose it really matters, we’re all there for ourselves anyway right?

My husband read that there are tornado warnings in our old home state of NJ. I hope the weather passes without them. As we know, NJ has some real doozy thunderstorms in the summer. I never minded them other than the fact they often resulted in power outages.

I hope your mood lifts soon and that you do find some connection in your group. You know, you are a lovely soul. Please be kind to yourself.

[Soupe du jour]

I'm so behind in reading here. Sorry I can't catch up right now. I had to just randomly read a couple posts. To those that need support, I'm always thinking about you and wishing you best.

I went and got my blood tests done this morning. The phlebotomist said it will take two days for the results. I'm a little nervous about what they'll show. It's high time I know. About a year ago I was prescribed a statin but this is the first real follow-up. As said previously, my blood pressure is improved from the blood pressure meds. I'm a little worried about my blood sugar (A1C) and creatinine levels. What will be will be!

Since we had to go to the phlebotomist early (fasting blood tests), I convinced Hubby to go through McDrive (as they call it) on the way home. I had not gone to such a place in probably over a year. The Egg McMuffin hit the spot! Of course many (not all) of the options have different names in Czech Republic, just as described in the movie Pulp Fiction about in The Netherlands and France. They even have totally different options here than in the US. The equivalent to a Quarter Pounder in Czech Rep is "Maestro Original" or "McRoyal", though Big Mac is still "Big Mac". Of course they sell beer!

[Lizzie1813]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Yeah. I guess I’m just trying to make myself feel better for not feeling like I belong. I feel like I belong here but I’ve been here for 9 years haha I will only be in group until the end of the summer. It would be nice to find a support group in my area, there definitely are some, but I’m too afraid to go by myself. Years ago I went to the DBSA one near me and I just felt so anxious and awkward. I was supposed to meet someone there but he never showed and I went in because it had been a 30 minute drive.

I think nami has groups in my area but again I don’t know if I could bring myself to attend.

I almost feel like…arrogant for assuming no one else feels the way I do. Like of course there are people who have the same issues as me. I feel like I’m too far out there with my 20+ hospitalizations and tendency to err on the side of mild to severe psychosis at times. But there MUST be other people in the group who have that background or at least something I can relate to. I’m just so used to shutting everyone out.

I also have trouble going places. I have moderate agoraphobia. I also tend to keep people (not my kids) at a distance. I feel like if they knew the real me they would reject me. I’ve been hospitalized 5 times. Possible trigger:

Possible trigger:

Twice for suicide attempts. I almost destroyed my liver the second time.

I also experienced what began as mild psychosis and became severe psychosis over a period of three months. I definitely know where you’re coming from. Add me as a friend if you need someone to talk to about things.

[mssweatypalms]

I haven't been here for a while. I'm just so frustrated right now. I'm angry and lonely and I've tried what I usually do to manage these emotions, yet I'm still angry and lonely. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by mssweatypalms

I haven't been here for a while. I'm just so frustrated right now. I'm angry and lonely and I've tried what I usually do to manage these emotions, yet I'm still angry and lonely. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Is there something in particular that you're angry about?

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Argh the temp? I would literally die, no lie I would die.

Yes having less stuff makes things much easier. I am so happy that you got an upgraded apartment

Thank the universe, the temperature will be only 94 degrees today. Still hot, but not crazy-hot. And nice, cool nights. And that you! I'll feel excited when the moving is done

[Lizzie1813]

Originally Posted by mssweatypalms

I haven't been here for a while. I'm just so frustrated right now. I'm angry and lonely and I've tried what I usually do to manage these emotions, yet I'm still angry and lonely. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I’m sorry you aren’t feeling well. Loneliness is so hard. I’m glad you are here. Please know you are not alone.

[wildflowerchild25]

I feel like my brain did a little snap thing again. I am having paranoid thoughts again. I am afraid to leave the house to go to the gym. I'm afraid the gym is a dangerous place. I was talking to my therapist from the program and toward the end I just all of a sudden became extremely anxious to the point that i was fighting back tears in the next group. I'm trying to identify a trigger, maybe ending the session without really resolving anything? I don't know. I know i've been overwhelmed for days, which is what led up to my first major breakdown back in april. I am trying to beat this one back and remain at least partially in reality because i absolutely cannot go back inpatient. My son can't handle it. I can't hurt him again like that. Besides, they can't do anything for me anyway. I'd get shuttled back to the same unit and the dr would take me off the meds that are working and put me back on some ******** like lithium.

I spent most of the time in process group writing safety statements. Writing I am safe and variations of that several times. Writing self-confident statements such as i am strong and i can fight back if i need to. I am safe around people. etcetera etcetera.

I'm just so scattered. There's so much going on in my head i don't know where to start and i'm running around in my brain trying to stuff everything back into the box it came out of and i can't. it's already out there. i need to be present in my actual real life that's going on right now.

i am going to force myself to leave the house and go to the gym. It will help me. i don't know if i'll be able to go to the grocery store though. i need to attempt.

I am also reminding myself that so far, voices are not too loud and grating. that is a good sign. it hasn't completely devolved.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I feel like my brain did a little snap thing again. I am having paranoid thoughts again. I am afraid to leave the house to go to the gym. I'm afraid the gym is a dangerous place. I was talking to my therapist from the program and toward the end I just all of a sudden became extremely anxious to the point that i was fighting back tears in the next group. I'm trying to identify a trigger, maybe ending the session without really resolving anything? I don't know. I know i've been overwhelmed for days, which is what led up to my first major breakdown back in april. I am trying to beat this one back and remain at least partially in reality because i absolutely cannot go back inpatient. My son can't handle it. I can't hurt him again like that. Besides, they can't do anything for me anyway. I'd get shuttled back to the same unit and the dr would take me off the meds that are working and put me back on some ******** like lithium.

I spent most of the time in process group writing safety statements. Writing I am safe and variations of that several times. Writing self-confident statements such as i am strong and i can fight back if i need to. I am safe around people. etcetera etcetera.

I'm just so scattered. There's so much going on in my head i don't know where to start and i'm running around in my brain trying to stuff everything back into the box it came out of and i can't. it's already out there. i need to be present in my actual real life that's going on right now.

i am going to force myself to leave the house and go to the gym. It will help me. i don't know if i'll be able to go to the grocery store though. i need to attempt.

I am also reminding myself that so far, voices are not too loud and grating. that is a good sign. it hasn't completely devolved.

I think going to the gym is a smart and courageous idea. I hope it helps

[Lizzie1813]

Colored for the first time in decades in an attempt to calm my anxiety. It helped some. Coloring page by Sugar & Sloth.