Down and Empty

So Sorry! Please Do not give up! Can you contact a therapist or an hospital if possible? Please don't do anything dangerous. Can ask you who N3 is? Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Moose72, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

N3 is my almost-20-year-old.

Angels call. No more time. No more beer or friends or family. Just the abyss.

You knows the saying that doesn’t end the pain it just passed it in to our loved ones. Also we don’t know what lies beyond. Do you think it’s a med side effect that are causing these thoughts?

Moose, it sounds like it's time to go the psych er and get checked out. It doesn't sound like you feel good or safe.

Please stay safe and go to the psych er.

Can you safely get to an er to get checked out?

J...... please go to the Psych ER, Doesnt mean you need IP, Seeing someone face to face and getting written instructions on when to take your PRN's could help you get back on track.. Stay safe

I am home still. I talked for half an hour with this woman from the crisis team who really calmed me down. She suggested a video on YouTube and I'm going to wait and watch it tomorrow as it's bedtime early tonight as I need to take N3 to work tomorrow. If I go in it will be after I am done taking N3 to work for the weekend so Sunday night or so. We'll see.

I want to say you are a good mom. My mom didn’t give a hoot about me when I was almost 20. She made my dad kick me out when I was 18, and I was ready to emancipate myself when I was 13. The fact you are a good mom is a good reason to save your own life. Not every mom of an almost 20 year old is a good mom. I hope that you’re able to hear what I am saying. Your life is worth living .

I'm sad to hear that you're having a rough go. Talking with the woman from the crisis team was a smart thing to do.


Do you think a med change needs to happen?

So sorry to hear you're struggling. I really hope the video helped. It sounds like it would be a good idea to check in with your pdoc. *hugs*

That's what I'm thinking.

Pdoc just called me Wednesday to check in. I told her everything is fine. Of course she probably can see my file on her computer anytime. I wonder if it alerts her somehow when you have talked with the crisis team.

I just don't know what to do. Half of me thinks I'm making this up but then again I feel like crap. One minute talking to N3 about fun stuff then half an hour later depressed again and thinking "those thoughts". I'm sitting at Starbucks with a large iced coffee. That is probably not helping. Is this a mixed state? Haven't had them that I know of.

If your crisis team is affiliated with your doc then
Yes they can see it in the electronic medical records .

I just called the after-hours number and told them that I called yesterday and that I have decided to go to the psych ER. I don't know if I'll be able to update you. That depends on whether or not they have internet service. And that depends on whether I get admitted or not. I'm going to the one that I know not the one closest to me.

I'm checked in at the closer ER.

Good!! Thank you!

Good for you for taking care of yourself! Please know that I'm thinking about you and will be looking for updates from you.

Good luck, feel better, I'll be thinking of you.

I'm home! Saturday spent in the psych ER and then Sunday morning transferred via ambulance to a hospital an hour and 20 minutes away.

I spent those 5 days going to groups, some of which I showed for but didn't fill out the forms for. The other patients were interesting. One woman who said she is 39 and a "dentist" kept calling everyone "sweetie pie" and talking in this choppy voice. This other guy who said he has kids didn't participate very well in groups but he basically wandered around talking and laughing to himself. It was never enough to know what he was saying, but there it was. One guy who was in his 60's it looked like was homeless and an alcoholic who blacked out a lot and just came to the hospital for the shower and the 3 squares a day. He also said something about not having his cpap and therefore spent most of his time sitting in the day room with his eyes closed.

Speaking of 3 squares, they fed us healthfully- exactly what a dietician would say you should eat, but we got to eat pudding and jello sometimes too. Anyway, I weighed myself when I got home today and I have lost 7 or 8 pounds! I know it will probably pack back on once I start to eat normally, but I can TRY to eat healthfully, right?

My friend sent flowers- they are sitting here next to me on the table. My mom's husband came to pick me up today and he brought me my cell phone. I didn't even bring it with me because I knew I wouldn't be allowed to use it . Even in the psych ER I wasn't allowed to. That's why I made one post here before I went. When I turned it on in the car on the way home, it went nuts chiming and dinging and donging, etc.! Emails, texts, Facebook chat notifications, etc. all at once! I had jotted down about five important phone numbers before the phone was taken away. That way I was able to talk with Caleb- which I did a lot- and N3 and several others.

That all said, the psychiatrist on staff at the hospital was an idiot. He first started out by looking at my file, telling me I was on "too many" and "the wrong" medications. He then decided that my pnurse's- the one who prescribes all my meds- pdoc that she works under should see me instead of her. As it is, I'm not scheduled to see her until September! I do, however, see her nurse (RN) before that so that's good.

In the hospital, I had vivid dreams all about being in the hospital and other vivid places. And then this psychiatrist dude told me that the catalyst for this "episode" was Karen unfriending me on Facebook. That was six weeks ago and I got over it when she lambasted me all over Facebook with lies! So no, it wasn't her that started my road toward being . That would imply that I care deeply about our relationship and I certainly do not. In fact, it had been failing for quite some time before she de-friended me. Anyway, the psychiatrist took off on that theme and wouldn't let it go. I had to have a zoom meeting with him, too and I HATE zoom! I look stupid and the video is choppy.

BUT, the friends I did talk with all said that they love me! I mostly talked with Caleb and Christopher and Noah and my mom. Caleb is a dear heart. (It's too bad he is stubborn about smoking.) I know he loves me! Noah took me out to eat and I resisted ordering a beer, after the groups about addiction. It seems that I'm "addicted" to Starbucks. Got cut that quick! If only because I won't have any Disney money if I don't. So they didn't change ANY of my meds! Didn't add any, didn't change the dosages, nothing! I was there 5 days to sleep and socialize I guess. I don't feel as slow and blah as I did when I first got there. I am listening to one of my favorite Rene Jacobs CDs right now. It's very soothing.

Welcome back Moose!

I hope you continue feeling even just a bit better.