Bipolar check-in #59

My cap finally arrived and looks more like a cap maids wear in soupe’s part of the world. I thought it was a take off of the 1920’s cap but it’s more like a headscarf with elastic in the back. The embroidered part is beautiful though.

Oh my muscles from Tuesday’s pot throwing class! Wow who knew pot throwing was so physically painful? Muscles in my legs that I don’t remember having are throbbing! It was a workout no doubt about that. More so than my aqua fitness classes!

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Originally Posted by Nammu My cap finally arrived and looks more like a cap maids wear in soupe’s part of the world. I thought it was a take off of the 1920’s cap but it’s more like a headscarf with elastic in the back. The embroidered part is beautiful though. Oh my muscles from Tuesday’s pot throwing class! Wow who knew pot throwing was so physically painful? Muscles in my legs that I don’t remember having are throbbing! It was a workout no doubt about that. More so than my aqua fitness classes!

Wow! I had no idea pot throwing was strenuous.

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Originally Posted by ~Christina Oh boy.. Things are hitting me left and right !! Yes my Blood sugar is running too high.. If it stays like it is 140-150 this week then I need to increase my Glipizide to 10mg in the am and my normal 5mg at night.. I'm so not happy about this. My Fibro is sooo bad right now Normally I would have taken 1 or 2 Xanax at least they help a little. Today I was leaving to see my T Richard and I knocked my tumbler full of Crystal light fruit punch It. went. everywhere. I went into a hellish rant and I was hitting things and throwing stuff.. Steve came rushing to me to help me, started hugging me tight and I was just screaming.. It was awful. I was Detoxed off Xanax while IP but I still am dealing with the effects of stopping cold turkey.. I know things will improve as far as pain relief but right now I'm just overwhelmed. I stopped by my Hospitals medical records to get a copy of my hospital ER and stay and what was done while I was unconscious .. its a good thing I have no memory of it according to Steve and Richard.. But yeah it was scary how low my blood pressure and oxygen level got. I hope this rage-y shyt goes away !! Hugs and Love to anyone in need

It's aggravating enough when things aren't going well, but on top of it all to drop a sticky beverage...UGH. I'm pretty sure I'd be screaming, too.

I'm sending you hugs and love

I just found out that the doctors portion of my surgery which was $7,801 was 100% covered by insurance. Now I just have to see what the hospital part will be. I didn’t know that it was 2 different things. The doctor and the hospital. But at least I don’t owe $7,801. Money that I absolutely don’t have.

I feel better mentally after taking all my meds early. I’m not too tired right now. Or very hungry. My mom and I got egg foo young lunch specials and I ate the egg foo young but not much of the rice. I also had 3 crab ragoon. I’m not exactly sure what’s up with my appetite. But my blood work is normal so there’s nothing medically wrong.

Now that I took my meds so early they are kinda wearing off. They didn’t make me hungry though. So I may just take my melatonin and Benadryl now with a cup of tea and just try to relax even more. My one pill med thing isn’t ready and I could really use that. Hopefully that will solve the issue. I don’t know what the side effects are on that. I vaguely remember being on a one pill med to get rid of an infection and it made me pretty sick.

Last week the ice cream I always buy was $3.88. Yesterday I found out it’s now $4.30 a pint. That kinda sucks since I can’t buy 4 of them at once anymore. Even one was a lot. That’s the only price hike I’ve really noticed. But also soda is $5.99 a case where I am and they hardly have sales anymore. I remember back in 2014 they’d have sales like 4 cases for $8. Good times back then.

I’m glad I got my flu shot early. People really want to get it this year.

Great Pics ! Thank you so much !!! I hope your periods get sorted out

Yessssssss ! I was lucky Steve insisted on cleaning it up as he figured I'd explode again. He is so supportive and just wants to help me recover.

I got some decent sleep last night. My Fibro is even worse today, as if that is possible. Ugh !

Steve is being incredibly supportive, I mean he always is but of course when I tell him how I am feeling such guilt and feeling like a burden. His response is " You just hit the wall and totally lost touch" I am struggling with enormous grief that I am working on with Richard. I know eventually I will get over that its just hard knowing what I put him through and what I put one of my best friends though. Shes an amazing person and I am beyond grateful to have her in my life !!

I've not had any explosions today thankfully

Hope everyone is having a good day

Last night, I let N3 borrow my car so he could go get a pizza. When he came over, his phone wasn't getting signal and he just brushed it off and left. He had originally planned to pick up the pizza at 11:45 p.m. Then I texted him saying he should get it earlier. He called and they said it could be picked up at 10. I didn't want N3 to get mugged because he still had that money in his wallet. So that was that. Until I called him at 10:20 to see if he made it home but no answer- it just went to voicemail. I went out to the pizza place to see if he was still there. Nope. Not at my mom's place. It was getting late. I started worrying that he'd been in an accident. I had gone to his apartment to see if he was there but nope. So I went home and got on chat here and talked with them about it. Finally about 12:30 he calls me! Said he never got my texts or calls. I was just so happy he wasn't in a hospital somewhere! I chewed him out saying that my mom and I didn't know where he was and it worried me! He said "I didn't mean to cause such a ruckus". He said that they'd gone to the grocery store and just walked around and didn't buy anything. UGH. What possessed them??

Sorry to be so MIA lately. Just feeling overwhelmed by... well, everything. You know how it gets. It's usually a big sign of depression spiraling in. Just got out my lightbox. It's time.

But I did (miraculously) manage to force myself to deal with "desk stuff". Took all afternoon. Things were really piling up. I absolutely loathe dealing with that crap, though I do feel a little less squashed by it now.

Stayed in my jammies all day, but now put on some real clothes as I need to pick up meds and a bit at the grocery store. Procrastinating big time.

SOOOO many hugs going out. Lost many days. Sorry about that.

@christina~ Extra hugs. Sorry to not have been there for support at such a terrible time. You will come back out of this, step by step. I understand why you might *feel* so, but you are most assuredly NOT a burden. You are well-loved and we want you around for a good long time!

*********
Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

I finally got a shower today. It had been since Monday, I think. Feeling clean is nice.

Don’t leave it long before seeing a gynaecologist. I had periods that kept getting progressively longer. Ended up in hospital after 30 days of my last one needing blood transfusions.

Thanks for the advice, @unlived. I will. I have been taking extra iron supplement, but just two of my regular small multivitamins per day. At home I have a stronger iron supplement I can take.

What has me really down today is that after five days of light, yesterday afternoon it got heavier (though not extremely so) and still is today. Yesterday morning I even thought it was finally over with. I just want to go home already from a quasi vacation I'm on. I'm guessing this is perimenopause or could even be stress-induced (I can be prone to stuffing stress), but won't fully rule out something else. I had something similar happen 1.5 through 1 years ago, but then it normalized. Back then my then gynecologist said it was not perimenopause, but it checked out as nothing concerning. She did remove the polyps I had. I hadn't had any pain from whatever it was. I have no pain now. I'm a little over 50. Back over a year ago the longest it went was 12 days. This is going longer than that. My life average was 7 or 8 days, which when normal was longer than most womens'.

I almost felt like crying this morning, but didn't. My mood is likely affected by this hormonal stuff, plus other things.

Oh soupe that sounds aggravating, it’s will be nice to get home and have your own car again.

I wrote a long post here, then my computer crashed and I lost the post. Ugh, that is so annoying. Anyway, *HUGS* all around!

Soupe, it could be fibroids causing heavy bleeding.

Well that’s a bummer Beth! I for one would have read it.

Well, my pharmacy is getting smarter lol. Did I mention I think there is a note attached to my file about who can talk to me? I’ve had to go to the pharmacy a lot in the recent days (more than normal) and the pharmacist (the one I didn’t have a problem with) is always the one to wait on me. In fact, I even heard her tell another she’d wait on me the other day. It’s also worth nothing I have not seen the pharm tech working who talked to me like a dog. I have a suspicion she has been reprimanded with a suspension. I doubt she’s lost her job, but I did have phone records, timestamps etc. for the actual phone call. They can hear how awful she talked to me. The district manager promised to take care of the situation for me, and left me with her number so I could text her about my medicine so I could know who is working if I didn’t want to deal with the other pharmacist.

I know I shouldn’t be happy about it, but I really do think that pharmacy tech deserved a talking to, and reprimanded as well as the pharmacist. I saw the other pharmacist yesterday when my mom went to pick up her medicine. She looked very concentrated and not at all her normal, obnoxious self. I kid you not when I say I’ve watched her make comments about people/things and in a loud voice be very flamboyant, including one time she threw up hands up and said “It’s everyday people. DRAMAAAA”. I couldn’t believe she was a pharmacist when I first saw her! Hopefully, it’s not just in my head and my complaint did something to better their professionalism. It really was lacking.

I mentioned they are getting smarter. They had a medicine ready for me, but it was a lower dose of a medicine I already have. I explained I already picked up my medicine, and they realized it was a mistake. She did offer it to me if I needed it, but I was honest and told her I didn’t. It was a pleasant experience and I didn’t have any issue. I appreciated that.

On one level, I feel bad I have “bad blood” with workers there. On yet another level, I am glad they realize their behavior is not appropriate for everyone. Some many enjoy their antics, I did not. I worked with a teacher who was like that. Somehow she got away with poking fun at students and being borderline rude. Some kids enjoyed it, some did not. However, it didn’t stop her from doing it, and I know of at least one student who left that school because nothing would be done about her teasing. To be absolutely fair, she was not doing it to be malicious, but it was not becoming of her. She also was the gossip queen and would talk about students (confidential information) in the hallway as they passed. It really was an issue.

Anyway, went to the store for the third time this week for my mom. I really get annoyed with that, but it is what it is. I was already out. At least we have a kitchen stocked with everything I could possibly want and all necessities taken care of. I shouldn’t have to go out again anytime soon. It’s gonna be crappy weather anyway.

I don’t know what I am going to do with the rest of my day. I am playing some games in German to practice since I am rather well versed in grammatical constructions and sentence structure and some mainstay vocabulary. I find myself impressed with how much I understand without translation, but of course there is plenty of vocabulary I’m trying to absorb. The issue with German is that prefix + common verb is a popular thing that changes the meaning all together. A good example:
the verb: suchen – to search, to look for
however
versuchen – to try, besuchen – to visit, aussuchen – to choose ,heraussuchen – to look out for, untersuchen – to investigate…you get the point. Lots of verbs do this and radically change the meaning. Another good example is stehen – to stand, but verstehen – to understand. I guess there is some type of correlation there (to underSTAND) but in English, I do not correlate the two, you know?

It’s helpful though to expand vocabulary!

I guess I’ll spend my day playing with that !

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Originally Posted by Nammu Well that’s a bummer Beth! I for one would have read it.

Thank you, Nammu

I’m worried I ruptured something down there by not being careful. I told my mom. Kinda in code and through text. But she knows about it now. She told me to just be careful and wait longer. I still have the pain but I don’t have a fever. The pain is a lot less then yesterday anyways with the one pill yeast infection med. but I am a bit worried and I’m wondering if I should call my doctor. Why do these things always happen on Fridays? I guess if it gets really bad or I develop a fever I can always go to immediate care. But my mom said not to worry. Just don’t do it again for 4 weeks.

Besides that I’m feeling pretty good mental health wise and physically. Although I could probably use a Valium after all this stuff that just went on.

My sleep is still messed up. I didn't even wake up until 1 today and then I stayed in bed until 2:15! Just playing on my phone or resting. Tomorrow, my friend is picking me up at 1 so I can't play these games! My dreams are detailed and feel like real life- especially last "night". I dreamed I was back in the psych hospital, but this hospital was a different hospital. It seemed to be run okay. I thought, "Why am I in the psych hospital so soon again?" I was going to leave, but my mom's husband came to pick me up- which he's done once before in real life. I originally (in the dream) was going to drive myself home but the landscape outside the hospital window was all marshy and bushy and rolling hills and i didn't know the way to get out. (Theme in my real life!) Then there was a truck that had swing sets set sideways - one swing per set - and there were kids swinging on them as the motor-home/big rig type trucks drove along slowly. My sister was also in the hospital and she and I were singing together. I remember the tune because it's a tune I know in real life. In the dream, I had my singing voice back and it was effortless to sing! What a disappointment to then wake up. I think I have a better life asleep than awake.

Did a 5 mile hike up a short, but steep rocky ridge this morning after my pnurse appointment. I definitely underplayed my food ****ery (what I'm now calling the eating disorder) with her and she probably thinks my eating is fine. Was cool to see her for the first time though, even if it's only via internet. I've been talking to her for 9 months now, and have not had a clue what her face looks like until today. Position de pandemic, eh?
Oh, and I am not returning to therapy. I actually blocked my therapist's email so she can't send me the link to the session. I'm curious as to how she will handle it (call me? wellness check? nothing?).