Bipolar check-in #59

Don't be silly You are always there for me ! Hehehe Snape

I am so sorry for your loss

Mmmhhhhmmmm Cake Sounds wonderful ! I love watching you do more and more. Yes Stability is hard to find and we don't always trust it... But GOOD for you enjoying something that took you a long time to believe. Now if we could just get your sleep sorted out !

I’m so sorry for the loss of your cat. My condolences.

I floated in the pool for hours today with no one there. I sat out in the sun (the restaurant had retractable walls) and had a great patty melt and sweet potato fries. There was just too much traffic so I said oh well and came back and took a 3 hour nap. It was much needed. Tomorrow around 8:00 am I’ll go back to the pool and then check out by 11:00. My doctor’s appointment for my arm is at 1:45. I’m going to ask for a cast so I quit re injuring it.

Not looking forward to going home but I have done a great deal of thinking about solutions and how to move forward in a more balanced way.

I hope everyone has a peaceful evening.

I went to see my case manager today. We sort of worked through some stuff. She just is a fixer. I say something and immediately she says "Could you do this?" Or "Have you....?". She asked about DBT coping skills - and I gave her a couple which she was happy about, but it's been years since I took it though I did take it twice in a row!

Why did I just have a memory of my friend- both of us age 7 or 8- and her baby sister biting the head off a fly???

I'm at Starbucks right now. Just was reading "How to be here" by Rob Bell. Good book!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 I went to see my case manager today. We sort of worked through some stuff. She just is a fixer. I say something and immediately she says "Could you do this?" Or "Have you....?". She asked about DBT coping skills - and I gave her a couple which she was happy about, but it's been years since I took it though I did take it twice in a row! Why did I just have a memory of my friend- both of us age 7 or 8- and her baby sister biting the head off a fly??? I'm at Starbucks right now. Just was reading "How to be here" by Rob Bell. Good book!

How do you have a case manager? Is it part of SSI?

No not part of SSI. It's my pdoc's office that does it. It's community mental health.

Because of Covid, the hotel has a limited number of breakfast items to go. I went down there to get a breakfast sandwich and noticed a nice buffet set up behind a black curtain. I just went in and helped myself to some good food, orange juice and coffee. I was half way through eating when it dawned on me that everyone was 20 years older, knew each other and were wearing red lanyards. Oops! I stumbled in to a convention or reunion.

Going for one last swim before I leave.

LOL! Do you think you crashed a convention's breakfast bar? If so, it's your secret and ours

Enjoy your swim, my friend.

Way back last December and January, the pandemic was even worse for hotel stays. Hubby and I did a southern road trip and most only gave us a stinky brown bag filled with a granola bar, maybe an apple, and that's about it. It was quite sad! Things are clearly better than that now.

@WindsThatBlow, I'm sorry I'm late in giving condolences for the loss of your kitty. I sure know how horrible and shocking it is to lose such a loved furry family member. I'm still raw about the loss of my beloved parrot over a year ago. It was unexpected, too, as my birdy was only 2 1/2 years old.

My husband helped me contact a gynecologist nearby. I got an appointment, but it's not exactly super soon. The first possible appointment wasn't until mid December. Even as an "emergency" appointment for a new patient. The assistant told Hubby that if my situation seems even more concerning that I should go to the hospital. Believe me that I'm NOT that bad off yet. In fact, my recent 19 day period finally stopped yesterday (fingers crossed that this isn't hexing myself). Not once did I feel any pain or sickness. It was just a loooooooooong bugger that followed the previous one's start after only 21 days. Perhaps I'll even be lucky enough to not get the blasted thing again for a while. At 50, I'd appreciate it just being over with already. Either way, at least in December I'll get an annual check. That will be exactly 12 months after the last one I had in the United States before moving abroad.

Beyond above, I'm OK. Lately caffeine has been affecting me more. I've had to cut down or take a benzo to calm racing heart. I'm hesitant to assume that my Seroquel XR reduction has played a part. Even if it has, it might ease away in a week or so. My appetite is only slightly lighter than before. Slight is better than not. Maybe it'll even reduce a little more with time. I made the mistake of buying a jar of peanut butter. Perhaps a bad idea.

Wow soupe, two months. I hope nothing is seriously wrong and it’s just menopause. Although it’s never JUST.

I appreciate everyone’s condolences about my Bootsy. It’s been very hard and I am being very hard on myself. It’s only been a little over 24 hours and I keep saying “Why are you still grieving so hard?” – honestly, it feels like days and days because of the crying and grief. To be fair, I just feel like I’m supposed to move on, and I’m just not there yet. Which why would I be? It’s brand new. I know what I am going through is normal, but it hurts and I hate it. Cliché as it is, it does come in waves though-- the pain.

I am doing a lot better today. I still can’t remove everything. Her toys are still where they normally were, her litter box is still in place. I can bear to throw them out just yet – if they’re gone it’s a physical reminder she is really gone. I just can’t do that yet. I know it may seem callous to the outside person, but letting the vet bury here was the best thing. While I would have liked to have her on family soil, it would make the grieving 1000 times harder. I know she is put to rest respectfully and peacefully.

I don’t want to bombard the forum with my grief. I know no one wants to listen to it, and before long I’m sure someone will tell me this belongs elsewhere on the forum haha. I’ll leave it at what it is for now. I’ll grieve and try to be strong.

I have to pick up some medicine today, and there aren’t any real plans after that. I might just spend time alone again today. I think I just need to be alone. Sometimes it’s hard to find someone to validate the loss of a pet. I appreciate everyone here understand that too.

I’m doing pretty good today. I didn’t sleep the greatest and I ended up taking the 30mil of melatonin I wasn’t supposed to. That was done this morning around 2:30. I only slept for a couple hours after that. I may get rid of all my melatonin except one kind. But I do legit need 20 milligrams a night in order to sleep. I’ve had this issue before of sleeping badly because I only took a 10mil.

I’ve been watching the show Project Runway again. I had been watching it a lot early last year until my Hulu plan needed to upgrade and I didn’t want to pay extra. I was in the middle of watching 2 seasons at one time. But I found it the other day on a different streaming service with 2 other seasons that Hulu didn’t have. I went to the used bookstore today and I found season 5 on DVD. I bought seasons 1-3 on Amazon. Season 4 is like $50 used and you can’t stream it. I wonder if it has something to do with Christian? But seasons 6 and up are available on the streaming service I’m using. I watched a lot of seasons back in early 2020. But there’s quite a few I haven’t seen. They just started season 19 I think. RuPauls Drag Race, Project Runway, and America’s Next Top Model I all like because they are loosely connected to each other and I like shows that have a lot of seasons but have new people each season and where there’s drama but it’s also like a legit competition.

I ordered some of the protein shakes my therapist had. I got the cake batter flavor. I have seriously been lacking protein in my diet and it’s really been affecting me. So I’m glad I’ll have these to give me the energy I need.

But today I’m doing well. It’s chilly and fall like outside. A nice day for some homemade soup. My mom is making potato.

I just had my mom take all my melatonin except for one kind. I did ask her to get me some Benadryl since it does really help me sleep and it also helps with my anxiety.

I still feel weird. With the feeling like chemicals are poisoning me/someone is poisoning me. Anyway, I talked to my doctor yesterday and she added the perphenazine back to my medications. So I'm back on 12mg of that. So hopefully that helps, as it has helped in the past. I'm not too thrilled to be on as many meds as I'm on but I guess it's not the end of the world.

I walked to Family Dollar and bought a few things. Mostly junk food honestly. I just didn't have change to take the bus to the actual grocery store, and junk food is all there is at Family Dollar, it was just easier to buy stuff from there since I can walk there. I'll be able to go actual grocery shopping next week and get actual healthy food in here.

I'm really tired. I want some coffee but I don't want to have a possible panic attack. It's hard to predict whether or not coffee will cause a panic attack for me. A lot of the time it doesn't but sometimes it does, and when it does it really sucks.

Hope everyone is doing okay and @WindsThatBlow I'm very sorry for your loss, it's terrible losing a pet, they're family members. I lost my cats a few years ago and I cried so much, and I kept crying whenever I thought about them even a year later. But I can think of them now without crying as much and be hopeful that they're at peace. Your cat will always be with you in spirit, and in your heart

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 No not part of SSI. It's my pdoc's office that does it. It's community mental health.

Wow, that's terrific!

Yes. My case manager even offered to help me with any paperwork I might have like renewing my medicaid or with my annual paperwork for section 8.

I'm at Barnes and Noble. I'm reading Rob Bell books. Love wins and What is the Bible? His books are extremely good and well-written. N1 loves them and introduced me to them.

Going to hang out with N3 later this afternoon. We were going to go to the bookstore but I just had to get out of the house so I'm here already. We will probably get something to eat.

I was super anxious an hour or so ago so I took like 3 Valium around the same time along with my 20mil Geodon. And now I’m wondering why I’m so nauseated and I have a headache and I’m drowsy. I took a Benadryl just now. So hopefully that helps with something because I feel kinda allergy/cold like. I have a runny nose but no clue where I would have gotten anything from except from hugging my nephews last weekend who are in school. I ate today I guess. I had a couple protein shakes and some fettuccini. My mom was going to make potato soup for dinner. I just kind of want to fall asleep early like I did the other night and sleep through dinner. Not because of food restriction but just because I don’t feel good. I want Tylenol and my 160mil Geodon but I probably need food more. Maybe some sugar since I’ve had carbs and protein today. I don’t have diabetes but my blood pressure can drop sometimes. I’m not acting like I had major surgery 3 weeks ago though. At least I don’t think this is surgery stuff. I still have some slight spotting. But I’ve been getting out of my house and doing things since I think the 11th at least. My recovery was fast and I have not been S since I had the surgery.

We went today to look at some acreage for Steve's sister. 20 acres and its only 20 miles from us and its a beautiful drive. It's rolling hills all around and its about 50% woods that are so pretty and has a creek. Enough land to fence in for there horses. We think they will fall in love, They are so excited after seeing the pictures we took.. BIL Joe is going to come up and take a look. Cindy is having last minute stuff done before they list there home down there. Very excited about them moving here. Well be nice to have Family close

Tuesday night I only slept 2.5-3 hours and broken. Last night I was having trouble sleeping and I was getting really frantic. Life long Insomnia but since I OD'd the medications have been allowing me to sleep each night. I am really scared that I will go back to days with no sleep. Steve was rubbing my shoulders and back trying to help me relax. Finally helped.. But yeah this fear is tough.

Weekend is almost here does anyone have any plans??

Hope everyone is having a good day

I just went to the bathroom and I peed out a bunch of blood with a lot of clots and stuff. Sorry for the TMI. It was just a bit freaky seeing it. I haven’t been in that kind of pain today.

Now I’m scared. I don’t know what’s going on. I was fine for a few days. My temp is 99.1. I thought all my symptoms today were unrelated. I’m worried I’ll have to go to the ER and I don’t want to.

I’m thinking of going to a Fall Herbs for Medicine and Magic conference two towns away Saturday. I’m also going to book a massage in the same town. I’m determined to wrangle back my life.

My brother’s primary care doctor’s nurse called tonight and asked ME why brother wasn’t taking his blood pressure, medication, blood sugar and nebulizer treatments. I said uh…he’s a grown man and I’ve been on a week’s vacation. Then I handed the phone to him to explain. I’m out of that business permanently.

I hope everybody has a good weekend.

If you were drowsy, why did you then take Benadryl? Wouldn't that just add to the drowsyness?

Benadryl helps with my anxiety. Basically I thought everything I was feeling today was food and anxiety related. My mom is calling the office. They are closed but they have an on call doctor. The lady my mom talked to is relaying the info to the doctor.

And the queen isn’t doing too well and I’m just kinda freaked out right now.

What would they do in the ER anyways for me?