Bipolar check-in #59

11:08 PM here and I am feeling a bit better after taking a nap this afternoon. I feel lost and dejected. I was hoping my therapy appointment would feel beneficial but it didn't -- it just made me feel I can't be understood and I am to just struggle and suffer. It wouldn't do me much good to "try again" next session, because there won't be one. She's leaving so I have to get another therapist. I don't want to start over with another person, but at the same time -- it could be an improvement. I didn't personally care for this therapist in general, but not wanting to start over, I stuck with her. She wasn't bad, we just didn't mesh well I don't think.

I've more or less decided tomorrow I'll call to put my name on the list for IOP, as long as I am not bound to it. I'll also ask specifically for a therapist who is well versed in trauma/DBT. That's what my therapist recommended I ask for.

I see the psychiatrist on Monday. I don't even know what to say. I felt awful in therapy without real words to articulate things (I've had such an issue with that as of late). I don't know what to tell my psychiatrist. I do see an 100% difference from where I was before meds. I don't know if this is as good as it gets, or if adjustments could be made. It's not my call in the end anyway, but the reason I'm saying something is because I don't know what to expect or how to gauge if it's working optimally for me, you know? I just feel like I'm unprepared for yet another meeting.


I am really unsure about therapy, if I can go back to that for a minute. I was literally fighting wants to just end the call immediately about halfway through it. I Just didn't want to go through it anymore. I felt so out of place, so un-helpable. She didn't do anything wrong, it's just I never felt she understood me.


I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm going to lay in bed and hopefully sleep.

I'm having a good day so far. My foot is doing better although it's still tingling I can move it a little. I started a blog for my poetry. If anyone's interested it's Free the Verse – Poetry by SAM I only have a little bit on there as I'm still getting used to wordpress and just created it hours ago and I was getting frustrated so took a break. I think I'm going to go to the drug store to get a brace for my foot so hopefully I'll stop tripping. Maybe I could even run with it. Yesterday I went to the ER (my date insisted on bringing me) but there was two other people there so we waited an hour and got tired, hungry and needed our meds, so we left. Some first date lol. The nurse was being a ***** to me too.

Called the mental health clinic today that I go to. I went ahead and put my name down on the Intensive Outpatient list. They reassured me if it's not a good fit, there is not obligation to it. I can quit. I go through too many periods of needing extra help and never having it to really say it wouldn't be helpful. At least trying this step, means that I've truly exhausted every resource I have beyond inpatient therapy. Thank God for telehealth, or else I wouldn't even have this option.

I also am trying to get scheduled with a new therapist, but it may take a bit of time. I asked for someone with the specializations that my therapist recommended. There are only a select few there who are and we are gonna try to fit me into on of their schedules is applicable. I am not exactly sure I feel therapy is the right choice. Again, I'm feeling un-helpable. I feel beyond the scope of most people and the problem lies within me. These things aren't instantaneous -- my feelings may change and I'll be months out from an appointment. So, that's why I'm doing this even though I don't see much benefit right now.

I just wish I felt better, emotionally. At least I can say I'm not as low as I was a month ago, without meds. Let's at least wrap this sob story in a little bit of hope and a silver lining.

EDIT: Just got placed with a new therapist. She's an LPA (Licensed Psychological Associate). So, this will be the first time I work with an psychologist. She's pretty fresh out of college (last three years) and being an " associate" means she's still getting her clinical hours in. Maybe it's a different experience. We'll see when I see her in a month I guess.

I have to not use or drink a ton of stuff starting today. Including pepto bismol which I had been using a lot. Also they said to stop specific types of vitamins and herbs like ginseng. I’ll probably just stop drinking my tea altogether since A lot of it has herbs and vitamins in it. And I’ll have to check my soda collection since I know some of that stuff has ginseng in it. It says to avoid garlic too. My mom says they are talking about garlic supplements though and not garlic in food. Idk though.

I’ve been up since 1:26 and I’ve had a lot of caffeine. Mostly not intentionally because I’m trying to drink a lot of cranberry juice and my mom got me cranberry energy juices. But I’m going to get some regular little bottles today.

I just read last night when I woke up. I didn’t feel like going back to bed. My Benadryl knocked me out around 6. Pretty suddenly too. It was all I took. I didn’t take any melatonin or extra Geodon. Just one liquid Benadryl capsule and I was out. I was only under my throw blanket I wasn’t under anything else. I missed dinner too. I ate a candy bar when I was up this morning. I’m not too tired right now. I was anxious until I ate some bread. It was suggested to me that I eat bread when I am super anxious.

These cramps are killing me. I can hardly wait until everything is completely gone.

I am honestly anxious though about a couple trivial things regarding my surgery. I wish my therapist would actually talk to me about this stuff instead of using her dumb poker face the whole time and just starring at me when I talked.

When I told her about my worries about being intubated she didn’t even know what that was and I had to explain it to her. And she still couldn't give me any reassurance. She says she’s not a sugar coating type therapist. But I feel like there’s a difference between being straight forward and being able to help someone when they are concerned about something legit. My doctor could sense my anxiety and was reassuring and I didn’t even mention to him I was anxious.

@Mountaindewed

You're going to get through your surgery just fine.

I'm super worried. My best friend won't answer his phone. I called him twice yesterday and three times today and no answer. He ALWAYS answers his phone. He is covid positive, but last I talked to him he said he was getting better. I know a lot of people "get better" and then it comes back and they die. He was vaccinated, but was at high risk (had a slew of medical conditions). I've been searching news of him online (google, facebook, etc) and nothing. When he was in the hospital a few weeks back, his roommate answered his phone and told me he was in the hospital. I strongly believe he's either in the hospital about to die or dead. He's too clingy to ignore my calls.

I think I just fired my therapist. She does not like me. It is very obvious in her behavior, her tone, and the things she says to me. At first I was able to brush it off and ignore her. But she didn’t respond to my email I sent yesterday. The email that said my surgery was approved. I was very excited about it. She called my mom about the med stuff and then said she would email me. I have not gotten an email from her. But I mean, it is obvious she does not like me. She can’t hide it. I truly think she’s transphobic. I’m worried about dealing with her and my recovery at the same time. I think recovery is going to be really hard if I have to deal with her. I’ve had bad post op depression twice and I just can’t deal with that and someone who is not supportive of me. I sent an email to her asking if she knew anyone who for sure works with trans and autistic people. I mentioned that it was very obvious she didn’t like me and that I couldn’t deal with it and every thing else. Like I feel sick right now about this and I only feel this certain sick when I can tell someone who should be professional is not being. I felt this way about the staff at a bad hospital, and the staff at a bad treatment center. It’s like this feeling deep in my stomach that she does not like me. I can handle coworkers and bosses not liking me. Even my cousin I don’t care about. But a therapist just shouldn’t be like this. It just makes me feel sick.

Plus I saw her give me a dirty look as I was walking into her office. And I guess that’s what’s mainly is messing with me. That she can’t even hide it or pretend.

This is my first experience with transphobia in person and why does it have to be a therapist of all people. I have had no issues with family, medical doctors, psych doctors, surgeons, ERs and hospitals since transitioning. But this is my first time dealing with someone who can’t hide it and why does it have to hurt so badly?

I'm sorry Mountaindewed hopefully the next will at least be more professional. There are a lot of T's that are in the wrong profession

Sapien I hope your friend is okay.

WindsThatBlow I hope your new T is wonderful and can help you.

It’s not really the surgery except for all the tubes and stuff. it’s mainly the post op depression I’m worried about. I got it so bad during both of my top surgeries. The first one last October I was in a deep depression for a few months. I felt like my personality was changed and I felt like I was living inside someone I did not recognize. Plus I didn’t realize the swelling would take months to go down so I was concerned about my results when I first saw them and I felt like they were still there. I know this surgery will make me stable mentally and I won’t have these freak outs as often. Plus I won’t have the pain. But I’m worried about recovery. My therapist is not being helpful. I can not believe the level of unprofessionalism from her right now. I haven’t gotten an email from her yet. My mom doesn’t understand why she called her and said she’d email me right away but didn’t. I was super excited about the news and I wanted to share it with her so she’d be happy for me.

So I emailed her. I asked if she knew of another therapist who’d work well with me. So she emailed me back and said besides the one I’m on the waiting list for she doesn’t know of anyone except the one I’ve already tried. Then she said she cancelled all our appointments. Which I didn’t actually ask her to do. And still no mention on the surgery. Just a very generic “it’s been a pleasure working with you.” What the actual ****! If that’s not client abandonment then I don’t know what is. I’ve been without a therapist before for a few months. But this is just dumb.

@Mountaindewed, it's so sad that you don't have the level of support you deserve during this crucial time. I must say that my guess is that your feelings towards that therapist could be justified. Not all ultra conservatives are "anti" diversity (or any better way of saying that), but many are. And some, terribly so. Certainly her Facebook combined with her reactions towards you would be worrisome to me.

You truly deserve the right support. Please be particular. It might even be worth considering branching "out of network", at least temporarily. That would widen the options.

spent the day doing nothing of value

showered this morning, which led to stomach ache and pain, which led to irritability. so

the one good thing about today is that I had my mcdonalds. yum

Heading home to Czechia tomorrow. It's time.

Hubby told me today that recently my snoring has been ultra loud and waking him up. It's truly time to lose the extra weight! I know that has eased that issue in the past. Extra weight, a family of snorers, sinus congestion, and likely my 600 mg Seroquel XR doesn't help. Plus, I need to cut down on my drinking. The amounts have inched up again, over time. Two to four drinks per day is WAY too much...not just for any woman, but especially for one with bipolar disorder who's on a lot of psych meds. No more brushing it under the table.

I called 8 bingo games today in the community room. I was so nervous! But I did it, it was my first time doing something like that. Then I went to my self-care group and we made these little worry dolls with some craft materials

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I ordered pizza lets see if I eat it. In general I'm feeling a lot better. We've postponed all trips until everyone is back to stable. Meaning no college tours, Miguel's going to apply to schools blindly, if at all. Currently he's struggling to keep his head above water So looking at schools are not at the top of our list. "Anna" isn't around all day, just when I eat. SH thoughts are less. I'm looking at coloring again BUT I'm still really confused and I can't get my point across. So I've been really frustrated.

was that before the stomach ache or after?
bizi

I'm so pissed off. My parents are selling us a vehicle but some strings. Ie. Miguel can't learn to drive in it. H is saying no. our car's on it's last leg. They drove it down here for us and now my H is being an *** about having two cars. I want to pull the it's my money card but there's no going back on that. I don't know what to do.

6 months clean today!

time to update my computer background!.

I thought I'd like a red sign on my computer screen (I did, or I do, or something) but it's a bit boring

I'd love to find one of a cat sat on a mat.... that would make my day lol