Bipolar check-in #59

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Originally Posted by Soupe du jour For a change, I can't think of what to do today, other than maybe a walk and regular chores. I have been cooking and baking a lot lately so today needs to be a "leftovers" day. Yesterday Hubby said he's been feeling depressed. He's restarted taking Wellbutrin XL, daily after taking it every other day. The supplies were leftovers from our old US pharmacy, with one month's worth from my psychiatrist in Czech Republic. When my new psychiatrist replenished it for him, he did so under my name saying 1) Hubby must immediately get his OWN psychiatrist and that 2) He would likely never have prescribed Wellbutrin under my name, otherwise (meaning for me). Our new general practitioner refuses to prescribe psych meds. Hubby asked, for himself. I think doctors here are strict about their prescribing parameters. Speaking of our general practioner, we need a new one. The older gentleman is always on vacation. When he is there he inevitably messes up our refill requests, often forgetting one (or two). For two days, both Hubby and I have not taken our beta blocker because we ran out, and I already notice a mild tachycardia, for which I take it. You're not supposed to stop it cold turkey! I have already been weaning myself off a blood pressure med (Irbesartin) because of that doctor. Unacceptable! We'll try to get refills today, then look for someone else. Some meds just can't be discontinued. I'm getting low on my thyroid med, too, and my other blood pressure med. I can't have none!

Yikes, Soupe...a new GP is definitely needed.

I work a lot on mindfulness in therapy. Good, healthy breathing and visualization do take the edge off negative mood states.

I’m doing good today. I must have just been so anxious yesterday because of the Benadryl. It was an odd type of anxiety to be feeling. Not my usual kind and the Benadryl was the only thing I did differently. I went out grocery shopping and it was a bit anxiety provoking. Stores were crowded. Mainly with a lot of people stocking shelfs. And I always feel like I’m in their way when I try not to be. But they always seem annoyed when you are in the area they are stocking. I found some Pepperidge Farm peppermint cookies and some peppermint yogurt. So the Christmas food is already rolling out. The non food Christmas stuff has been out for awhile. But I got some pumpkin stuff too so the holidays are once again overlapping.

When we were almost home a message came on the car Dashboard that said something like “high heat pull over when safe.” So we pulled over and I’m freaking out and thinking the car is going to explode and I’m telling my mom to take her seatbelt off so we don’t become trapped in case of a fire. She of course doesn’t listen to me. So we sat for a bit pulled over for a few minutes and then my mom started the car again and the level was now in the middle of cool and hot instead of all the way to hot like it was before. So we got home safely we were only a few minutes from home. I actually was riding without my seatbelt on for a bit until my mom kinda made me put it on. She called the car place and they told her to take it in. So hopefully there’s nothing major going on. I don’t drive but I know car repairs can be a ton of money and my mom had already been having issues with this car for a few weeks.

So yeah interesting day and all before noon. I see my Pdoc this afternoon through a video session. I have to tell him about the therapy session I had last Tuesday since I promised my therapist I would. But I don’t think he needs to do anything with my meds. I think I’m in a good place in general despite the fact I’m not sleeping very well. I just need to avoid Benadryl.

Edit: My mom is already back from the car place. The fuel or cooliage or something was low. They fixed it. That was certainly anticlimactic though.

I talked with my mom and told her. She said what I took was a lot but since it was done throughout the day she thinks I’m ok and that I do need to be careful.

I do talk to my mental health team about this all the time. I tell them too what I say on here. They are aware of what I am doing.

Well I am back home and back in the swing of things. I appreciated my sister stepping in to help out. I realized that getting away is so essential that I’m going to the Smokies next month for three days and to Vegas in the spring for 4. I got home and realized that the hotel did not charge me for my stay. I wonder if they’ll figure that out.

My mood is sad and antsy. I think it’s the cloudy/rainy weather. I have my sun lamp going but it’s not helping much yet.

My brother is 5’11” and weighs 156 pounds. We’re having difficulty stabilizing his blood pressure. Something tells me it won’t be too very long now. He is not in hospice and I keep driving him to all these doctor’s appointments but I see the deterioration. It scares me. I’m not prepared.

I hope everyone has a good day

You're a very strong and wise woman, @Jennifer 1967. You take such good care of your family yet, now, allow yourself space & time to yourself. Amazing progress!

I took all the sleeping meds i can take last night and still only got four hours of sleep broken from stupid graphic nightmares about cutting my foot off (very reminiscent of a hallucination I had in the hospital a few months back)I just took another thorazine about an hour ago and I'm supposed to go to group tonight. I hope I get to talk to the doc. I really need to take as much thorazine as I'm allowed right now I'm starting to realize that becausae at this rate I will hurt myself I'm Iaready feeling every injury I've had in the past year (hip especially) although I'm not really registering the pain I just know it hurts but I don't really feel the hurt if that makes any sense. I'm worried about dinner with my mom,,I don't want to eat today. Idk if it was the nightmare but all day I've wanted to self harm. I feel awfully lost too (also like when I was in the hospital.

I've said this before! Why doesn't he listen?

I just had my Pdoc session. I feel kind of gross now. Just the way he encourages my weight loss is strange to me. He’s starting me back on topamax again. This time a higher dose to encourage faster weight loss. I just find it so odd. He asked what I weighed and I told him I weigh 168 and he said that’s not much. I am 5’5 btw so a bit short for a man but 168 still isn’t huge compared to that height. I told him about the surgery and the 2 ER trips after and then the poison control center call on Tuesday. I told him I took all the meds to sleep through my hunger. So maybe he thinks the topamax will help me cut out on my sleep med ODs and then maybe get into a better sleep pattern? That’s the only thing I can think of because he sounds like a wack job. He said he could refer me to a weight loss clinic and a weight loss clinic would probably just send me to an eating disorder clinic instead.

I mean it went decently and I remembered to tell him everything and told him I was happy with my new therapist and I was really happy with my surgery and how I hadn’t been S since and he was happy for me but he just makes me feel kind of gross sometimes. Physically and mentally.

But I think he thinks the topamax will help me cut back on all these meds I’ve been overtaking since my hunger is the reason I take them all in the first place. At least the night ones. Yesterday I took all the benzos because of the Benadryl that was causing insane anxiety and I’ve since thrown the Benadryl out.

It will hopefully be fixed but my doctor is an over benzo prescribing nut job.

Unless maybe my transference T was the issue. Because she discouraged my weight loss and my new therapist knows about EDs and is helping me figure out a plan on how to eat so I can lose weight. She’s encouraging weight loss but in a healthy way. We are working on meal plans and she’s encouraging more protein and throwing out good suggestions. So maybe my transference t just had an issue with my weight loss. She doesn’t specialize in EDs so maybe she just truly didn’t understand my problem.

Don’t go blaming your doctor he never prescribed. and you are adding discontinued meds to the mix. If you’d take your meds on a schedule as prescribed there would be none of the drama

I don’t really feel much better. I can’t even really say it’s full blown depression, I guess because I’m keeping myself busy. Yesterday I really wanted to stay home all day and watch movies but RS likes to be out doing things and I figured moping around the house wouldn’t help me anyway. We went leaf peeping in the mountains. Unfortunately I had a migraine so I had to take my med, and I was knocked out for like three hours.

This morning it was quite difficult to go to work but again, I figured if I didn’t I’d feel worse, so I made it there. Unfortunately. The two new girls are doing exactly what we said they would. They complained about ME to the social worker. Said I’m “staring” and giving them “dirty looks” LOL. The dirty looks are unintentional and likely misconstrued. But hell yeah I’m “staring” at them!!! They’re sneaky! And it just so happens I sit in between them with my student, so I can see them both perfectly. It’s a habit at this point to survey the whole class once in awhile to make sure everyone is on task. So yeah, I’m gonna glance at you for sure! Hahaha!

They also claimed my student said something she never would have said unless she wasn’t in the right frame of mind and thought they said something first. Apparently my student sneezed and one of them said bless you, and my student supposedly replied “I don’t need blessings from you”. Yeah no. She would never say that in that phrasing and anyway I never heard that come out of her mouth. So unless it was during the 1/2 hour break I take I believe that Is a false accusation designed to get her in trouble.

Ugh. Troublemakers.

At least I see my pdoc tomorrow. I’m going to try to explain what’s going on. I dunno what she can do but we’ll see.

I saw on the news that areas of California we getting a huge storm and hoped it wasn't going to hit you

As for laying in bed listening to the rain and hopefully some wind for me is the best soothing thing on the planet. I've bought tons of music in the past and even a machine that offered all kinds of sound and Nothing compares of course.

You recent stop of Lamictal cold turkey? I have done that numerous times in the past and I always fell into feelings that you are having Couple years ago I went off all my meds but I did a slow taper on one med at a time and factoring in the half life too.

I hate that right now you have a sucky out of state useless zoom Pdoc Hope your able to see the new Pdoc soon.

Until then? just work coping skills until something helps even if its just a little. I hate that you feeling just about all emotions Its really hard.

Question....... when was the last time you did something just for yourself???

Oh yes time for a new GP. That's crazy that meds that you really need are not being filled correctly.. Yes Tachycardia is not something you want to go cold turkey off medication. Hope that all gets sorted out quickly. I think I remember you saying you have used a walk in clinic.. Can you go there to get your meds filled until you find a new GP??? Or does CR not really offer that kind of help? I'm not sure how health care is handled there.

Good for you taking a " left over " day. I actually enjoy doing that.

Mountain dewed You taking lots of risks abusing your meds. Please be careful

I'm glad you got away and even more glad that you are planning more trips it is beyond important to put yourself first. The whole oxygen mask on a plane. Are you still seeing your T?

Hope the hotel doesnt catch that LOL

I'm glad you got out for a bit. Sorry the Migraine happened

Oh I can only imagine those 2 girls just disrupting the entire class.. Hope they get split up !!

Maybe Pdoc can do something and maybe not. For me in the past sometimes it helps to just word vomit..

Are you're leaves turning alot?? Ours usually peak in early November. I want to try and save some this year.

I took a fast fast walk today and I learned the shoes I had on are a " oh never again" I walked though our property to the road. I am surprised I didn't break any thing my ankle just was rolling and my foot was sliding. The shoes were Sketchers and " Go walk" Hahaha they suck! Won't wear those next time. I wish I had someone to walk with. Steve can normally go but I am hell bent on going fast to help drop my Blood sugar numbers.

So I took Gus of course.. Good grief Y'all he's a damn mess he is always grabbing big branches and just carries them.. He's 8 lbs but thinks he is a St Bernard I got him a flopping fish toy. Its like he is a Grizzy with a Salmon.. Ill post the pic using Tapatalk.

I hope everyone is a having a good day and to anyone struggling just know you are not alone and to be extra kind to yourself

He was straight up low growling that sounded like “ nom nom nom “

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I carved pumpkins today. One was a Frankenstein (it came out a little lopsided) and one was a cat (it's tail fell off lol) I tried my best. I'm not very experienced with carving more intricate designs. And also haven't carved pumpkins at all in a long time.

I have horrible heartburn right now. It feels terrible. The famotidine is really not helping with my acid reflux unfortunately. I talk to my doctor on Thursday so maybe he has some idea of what to do about that. I think he said if the famotidine didn't work he'd have me try omeprazole next.

BlueBird, your pumpkins are great. I couldn't have done that without lopping off a few fingers.

Have you seen pictures of your kitten prospects yet? I can't remember when you said that would be.