Bipolar check-in #60

So I slept till 6:30 pm, cooked for 2 hrs and I'm just done with today. I really need a therapist to sort out how I'm actually doing and my crap feelings. It's wearing on me having others over.

The other day I told my therapist that I'm kinda numb. Just coasting through life with zero progress. I say much of it is out of control, but not all is.

It will snow all day long where I am. They said 20 cm (7 to 8 inches) total. Luckily we have no appointments until next week. Early next week I see a gynecologist here for the first time. Not looking forward to that! I hope I don't have my period then. I've had it already for three days, which started very soon after the previous one. My periods have been unpredictable for a while. In the US, my gynecologist office would make me reschedule until it was over. I don't know if they would want the same, here. Hubby has to make such calls because the receptionist doesn't speak English. The doctor does, though. This feels awkward. I am due for an exam and mammogram. My last was soon before our move to Europe, almost a year ago. Year!

I made a new Czech Christmas cookie yesterday. They taste great, but most aren't that pretty. Four different shapes. The best are shown attached.

@Nammu I could send a PM to say the same, but I hope you don't mind me just saying it here -- thank you for your response to my worries about taking a controlled substance. You've really helped me put into perspective what is going on. I have a friend who is a APRN who told me just as much as you did, that scheduled substances are so because dumb people did dumb things with them and ruined it for the rest of us. (in a round about way of speaking, lol). I've done a bit of reading on the subject matter at hand (like opioids, stimulants are also schedule II drugs in the US, but unlike opioids, the risk of addiction or dependency is very low when taken at therapeutic dosages). That was really reassuring to read, and to also read it's not expected or common to get a "high" at those dosages either.

I was able to to get my drug screening in and pick up my medicine yesterday. So, red tape didn't last long I guess. I have decided the only way I know if things will work for me is to try them (common sense sometimes is the best approach to get me to do what needs to be done, lol). I took my first dose yesterday (probably a little too late to be honest -- I didn't sleep the best, but I had the courage to take it then, so I did. It's immediate release formula I am to take twice a day, so taking it then won't really mess up starting on a morning/afternoon schedule) I felt alert, but calm. I don't know what I was expecting, but I'm also glad to know now at least in general how it may affect me. I'll give it a fighting chance. Nammu is right, my psychiatrist is more than willing to listen to my concerns. We talked at length at why a stimulant is first line, and as long as I was OK with trying it, it is where we both decided to go in the first place.


So, to sum it up -- my fears aren't gone and I do feel like I have to hide the fact I am taking it, but that's nothing I can really control at the moment. These drugs exist for a reason, they are therapeutic, and taking things as prescribed limits issues. Abuse potential is just that -- potential. Dependency is another issue, but as I stated earlier, research shows with stimulants that isn't really a severe issue with proper usages. I have to advocate for myself. I can't let fear dictate feeling better. End goal is to be well enough to not only survive, but have a quality of life again. That's all I am striving for. Therapy, meds... they are all stepping stones.

Today I will go grocery shopping. I dread today, because it does become an all day affair because my mother wants to hit every store in town, or at times even the same store at a different location for "better selection" lol. I get it, but man is it frustrating to not just pick everything up at one place for convenience. You gotta admire her commitment to savings and certain store-brands though! Once I get through that it'll be smooth sailing today. I have therapy tomorrow and I think I have plenty to talk about there. Everything I do anymore feels so much like a last-ditch effort and that's part of what sparks my panic about medicine and treatment options. We've exhausted everything and if this doesn't work.. where else can we go, you know? I don't mean to constantly go on about my struggles-- I really don't. I just wish I had more going on in my life than just struggling right now haha.


Thanks everyone for reading. I do appreciate all of you who take the time to wish me well or just silently send up thoughts for me. It means the world

Despite any challenges, I feel fabulous today! I don’t know what the rest of December holds but I will roll with it. I choose to be pleasantly surprised.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day!

You are really rocking and rolling! I haven’t even started yet!

Your mom sounds like a hoot to be around!

Your cookies look delicious! I hope your appointment goes well and that you feel better soon (feeling numb).

Thank you. I had a lot of concerns about being on the pain meds so I do know where you are coming from. Yeah I was never high from them even though I was on high doses because it was therapeutic and adjusted to my pain level. Wasn’t until after the surgery that I could feel them. I didn’t like that feeling and went off of them quickly. But if you do need them you won’t “feel” the high aspect they will just be doing their job. Good for you taking the bull by the horns and trying them. I’m glad you have a great pdoc.

Oh I think the cookies look good. Very delicious looking too. I was asking mum about a cookie/candy that she made but she remembered nothing about it. She made green one and pink ones. I found it at Walmart of all places. It’s called peppermint divinity. Only the Walmart ones is nothing like what mum made. Once I knew the name I googled recipes but they look too complex for me. Have you ever made this. I’m not sure but they might be German or Norwegian based. As those are where mum got a lot of her recipes. Our church was Norwegian and the ladies clubs got recipes from each other.

Oh what a super outlook!

Those cookies look amazing Soup! I hope to be as good at baking someday

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Well today is turning out to be a nice day. No sun but the temps are mild and it’s not snowing. So it’s a win. And a perfect day to get the screen changed out for the glass panel in the storm door. We both forgot about that until mum wanted to hang a Christmas decoration on the window. It should have been done back in October. Better late that never. I took off more of my fingernail! my nails are mostly broken off down to the quick thanks to my anemia. I can only take the iron pills after lunch and I keep forgetting them. I am trying to eat more things with high iron but I don’t really eat a lot outside of the meals on wheels stuff. Oh well.

I didn't have any bad thoughts last night but I wasn't listening to music. So it took forever for me to fall asleep. I finally did around 11 and I woke up at 8:30. Which is super late for me. I weighed myself thinking I'd be about 170 based on how hungry I've been lately but I was only 167. Which is less then I was these last 2 days. So that has me motivated a bit, plus I'm not very hungry anyways today and I've been avoiding candy. My mom is feeling ok I guess. We went to Target to make a couple exchanges and shes going out again later with my brother despite me telling her its not a good idea to go out this late at this time of the year especially with covid. My therapist told me before I moved that I need to stop controlling what she does. I mean I understand that, its just that if she catches something then we all get it.

I think yesterday I just had a bad stomach ache from too many peppermint truffles. Today I've had plenty of protein and I've been fine. Right now I'm ok and its later then usuaul and I havent taken my meds yet.

My anxiety has been very mild all day especially compared to these last few days. I don't know why but its nice. I havent had any vistril today.

It almost seems like with the increase in hunger, especially the craving sweets, the weight gain, the bad anxiety, and the S thoughts that I was dealing with PMS. Especially since everything stopped all at one time. But theres no way it could be PMS my doctor removed everything. So I dont know what was up. He told me I wouldnt feel those things anymore.

Hi Nammu. I have never made Peppermint Divinity, and though I've made meringue cookies, the procedures/methods were a bit different. I looked online and most all Peppermint Divinity recipes seem to have the same base ingredients and method. I think that if you read the instructions a few times, it may seem less intimidating. All you really need are the right tools (the basics, something to beat the eggs into peaks, and a candy thermometer) as well as the ingredients. Of the ones I saw, the only less common ones might be corn syrup, candy canes (if your mother incorporated them), and perhaps food coloring, if she deliberately colored the meringues red/pink and green. The boiling to hard-ball stage is really not difficult at all, if you have the candy thermometer (or meat thermometer that goes to high temps) and watch the temperature attentively. The drizzling step wouldn't be hard.

Did your mother's Peppermint Divinity include actual candy canes? If not, if they tasted like them she might have used peppermint extract. In such a case, only a small amount of extract would be needed. The recipe at Peppermint Divinity Recipe | Southern Living | MyRecipes actually flavors the meringues peppermint with only candy canes, and includes a nice decoration with them. They then obviously only have a pink hue, but the pink comes directly from the candy canes (no food coloring). For other colors, using food coloring is not that hard. One drop at a time, until the desired color.

They look yummy! I like peppermint flavor.

I don’t recall the Actual use of candy canes. I do remember her using flavoring and food dye. In the green one she used mint and sometimes added mini chocolate chips. Once she added cherry flavor and chopped cherries to the pink ones.

The bailing to a hard ball stage really does intimidate me. And I don’t have a good mixer. Mum had an excellent one that gave up the ghost about 4 years ago. As she was almost 90 she couldn’t see paying for a good quality one and I am not near her caliber of a baker we got a little hand held one. No thermometer either.

Well my cat seems fine today…very bizarre. I mean I’m very glad, of course. But if he’s fine, why has he lost weight? I guess the bloodwork might tell something. Or maybe he’s just not eating as much because he’s just not as hungry? We’ll see.

I had a good day at work once we got through first period. Had nothing to do with the students. We were watching a news documentary about a very triggering topic for me. Boy, I wanted to bail so bad. But I also want to show the students how to deal with triggers. Which I guess is a moot point as obviously I never told any of them I was triggered or why. I just used my lavender lotion, my stress ball, and I found a floral painting online and counted the petals.

I also made a bunch of chore cards for my son. I feel he needs more explicit directions on how exactly to do the things expected of him. I just made reminder cards, basically, explaining what constitutes “cleaning up after yourself” in the kitchen, what needs to be done for the Guinea pigs every night, etc. hopefully they help. I’m introducing a new “pay by chore” system as well for extra chores. I mean, he’s 11 now, and he needs to learn basic housekeeping tasks and also be able to earn an allowance. He wants to buy “robux” and other crap I think is dumb so at least if he earns the money it’s on him!

Tomorrow is Friday which is nice. We’re watching another news story about the same topic but this time I at least know it’s coming.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 My kitty is sick Monday his eye was leaking discharge and he was pawing at it. He looked better yesterday, but today his other eye looked even worse than the first one. So I took him to the vet and he’s lost three pounds! I can’t believe I haven’t noticed him not eating. I thought maybe he was getting thinner but it wasn’t super obvious. And he hadn’t been acting sick at all until today. Today he’s been very lethargic and when I put dinner out he ignored it and I haven’t seen him drink any water either. I’m worried for my kitty! The vet said he didn’t see any obvious reason for it. He took some blood and I’ll hear back on Friday. I’m so worried. I don’t understand how he got so sick so fast. He’s not even climbing on my chest to sleep he’s on the bed but at my feet. Hopefully it’s nothing too serious.

I'm sending you and your kitty loving, healing vibes. It's miserably worrisome when they get sick...you are not alone; I know the feeling

Exhausted. Battling panic. I feel I'm collapsing.

I had a nice day. Didn't get out for a walk again but I got a couple errands done- one of which was picking up my prescriptions. I talked with Caleb but it was again like pulling teeth. Lots of silence on both sides. I cooked dinner again in the oven. I cooked half a butternut squash with butter and brown sugar and hamburger in the hole. (The hamburger was previously cooked on the stove.). The result was a hot dinner that tasted great! N3 still won't do those important things he needs to do! Ugh he is so stubborn and/ or lazy.

Sending purple vibes your way!

I'm so exhausted... I just want him mind made up, graduate school, no graduate school, moving out or staying, work, no work, part time work, anything. I told him tonight he was scared of adulthood.