Bipolar check-in #60

I missed my injection and didn't shower. My husband has been angry anxiety ridden depressed for months and his pdoc won't do anything. It's on the verge of paranoia maybe passed it. I don't know what to do about it. He's been having asthma attacks and won't see his pcp either. He outright yelled like yelled,yelled at Miguel tonight and we just don't do that. I didn't know how to approach him.

I got home around 6pm. I’m in a lot of pain right now. :’(
My dr said it was likely a benign tumor not a cyst. He sent it off for testing. My boyfriend Ben took me and I’ve never felt so loved by a man! He’s so incredibly sweet and even the nurses said so! Idk if I can sleep with this pain!

My brother came home yesterday. Mom is not following through with care. First, we have to use his assets to pay for his current care. Then he would qualify for Medicaid and could be placed in a facility. His assets are under mom’s control and she is not budging. I have restated my assertion that I will not be taking care of him and I am calling around for part time care givers to be on hand. We had a family meeting last night to talk about what is expected of him as he’s doing much better with this hip replacement. Thank you for asking.

We had a family meeting last night. My sister was there. She has an alpha female, hostile, aggressive manner about her. It’s either her way or she’ll attempt to yell you down. It’s really rather upsetting. I wasn’t feeling tops yesterday and really got sick to my stomach as she yelled and denigrated each of us. She put each of us down for our limitations and other things that didn’t live up to her standards. My confidence and positive outlook took a hit. I still feel sick this morning. It was so totally unnecessary. And unwelcome. And unacceptable. Thank you for letting me get it out here. I’m not sure yet how I will address this.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

I don’t know for sure but you will probably feel a lot better with a set routine - I know I did. I like my routine now and look forward to it in a way. Good luck with it.

I’m feeling a lot better. Now it just feels like your standard head cold. Ibuprofen and Sudafed are helping. I can’t smell a darn thing though. However, I can sort of taste so that’s good. Yesterday I could only taste the main flavors, like the sweetness but not vanilla of the vanilla yogurt I had. Today I’m tasting a little more so that’s nice.

Emotionally, though, I’m a wreck. I don’t know whether it’s hormonal, or if I’m going a little crazy being stuck in this room all by myself, but I’m very unhappy. I feel like RS would be fine letting me stay in here alone forever although that’s obviously not true. I know my son wants me back, he’s always checking on me and he’s brought me food several times because he’s a sweetheart. RS has just been working like crazy, and I’ve also blamed that on myself. I feel like he’s doing it to make extra money to make up for all the money I’ve lost for Covid-related absences. I mean in a way he is but he also took on this particular job thinking they could bang it out in three days and it’s been dragging on for weeks. He finally finished yesterday and said he’s never taking on another semi truck motor rebuild again.

I know all these things I’m thinking aren’t true. It’s hard to fight them though when I can’t seek RS out for verbal confirmation. I can’t even go into the living room to get away from my head.

But all in all physically I’m very lucky that Covid didn’t treat me worse. It could still do so, the urgent care dr said some people feel better for a couple of days and then feel bad again. But I’m holding out hope.

I'm already on it.

I lost my kiki cat of 11 years in october. I know that kind of pain. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Today is a waiting game. I’m taking mum to the Christmas musical tonight. That’s the big outing. For mum it’s the first time she’s been with any people outside of her immediate family in 2 years. Then next Friday my daughter is taking her to church. It’s the first time she’ll have been to church since covid started. Both events are supposed to be masked. I’m hoping people follow that because the dance recital I went to this past Thursday most people took their masks off. I’m nervous about taking mum out, I really hope people follow the rules.

I hope you and your mom are safe tonight, too, but it sounds like a lovely outing. I hope the musical is wonderful!

Perhaps you can ask your daughter to sit a little away from anyone not wearing a mask at church. Hopefully that would increase their safety and enjoyment. I'd imagine that choice may be more available at the church than the concert. But even at the concert, if someone right next to you won't wear the mask, maybe you could move to other seats, if they're available. I would hope that an usher would understand if you wanted to do that. It would be easier (and less a chance of soliciting an angry reaction) than asking the usher to tell them to PUT THE MASK ON.

I'm doing good today. I've been ignorning the news and social media and I've just had Project Runway on all day. My nephews are over and my sister and brother in law will be over later for dinner. I fell asleep last night at 11. I was hoping to be asleep by 10 but I heard about 5 (I swear) gunshots and then a bunch of sirens several minutes later. There was nothing in the news and my mom heard the sirens but not the gunshots. So she doesn't really believe me. What a suprise. The amount of crime here is a bit unsettling though.

But anyways I fell asleep at 11. I woke up at 7:30. My goal was to get up at 7:30. So that part worked out. My meds have been ok today and I havent had dinner or my geodons yet so I can stay on track with both my food and my sleep again.

Everyone including my mom is saying going back to work is not a good idea for the forseeable future. So I'm just using the time to better myself both physically and mentally.

Yeah there was indeed a shooting I just found out. My mom said she believed me she just wasnt feeding into my anxiety. What a bunch of ********. I've never in my life heard gun shots but I could tell thats what they were. Especially with the sirens following several minutes later.

Yeah like I'll ever go out to dinner again. I dont even go out much at all because I feel unsafe in general in this town. I have my safe spots and then my doctors and therapist offices. But I feel unsafe and my mom doesnt understand just how bad it is.

She and my sister who is a teacher says all these shootings and crimes are just gang related stuff and are targeted and if you dont go out at night your fine.

The pain has not eased up much. I’m taking pain meds regularly and sleeping a lot.

Hoping the tumor is nothing. I follow up with my dr on a couple weeks. Ice and Percocet are my best friends today

No joke, I’m ditching the vraylar. I am SO HUNGRY. I’ve been eating ALL DAY. And not junk food either because I can only half-taste anyway. My whole list of food today is not that bad but it was just the sheer volume. I mean Zyprexa made me hungry but also made me crave horrible food. As did risperdal, invega, and haldol. Right now, I don’t even want to eat, but I feel like I’m going to pass out if I don’t, and I had yogurt AND a soft pretzel only an hour ago.

I can’t gain the 25 lbs I lost. I looked and felt terrible at that weight. I am still obese but I can breathe better and move better. So no more vraylar. I have no idea what she could possibly offer next.

I’m going stir crazy in here. I can hear my boys out in the living room watching tv together but I can’t join and it kills me. But at least the virus didn’t, and I don’t want either of them to get sick. My son just had his second vaccine today. So I have four more days in exile.

Either the Zoloft increase, the Visteril, or both are helping to stop that awful, chronic panic. I wouldn't be doing too badly today, except that my precious diabetic kitty has had an upset stomach all day. I tested her blood glucose; thank God it's not too low or too high. She threw up once this morning and has just been low all day. She did eat and drink a bit, though, and has held it down so far.

Seems like there's something to worry about every day. I'm just so tired and so sleepy. So weary of worrying about things.

I'm feeling some anxiety about Christmas because I know I'll be alone, or maybe my husband will visit for a couple of hours. We are going to look at light displays Monday or Tuesday night. I'm really looking forward to that.

I'm so fed up with hearing about covid/delta/omicron I could seriously scream! I'm finally just turning the news off. Do you know what annoys me? If there was a bigger news story, one that really grabbed the viewers' attention, the news would be reporting on that and covid would take a back seat at this point.

Oh, gosh...I sound so crabby

Does the vistril make you hungry? If I take it I have to be prepared to not diet that day and I'll eat candy bars and then probably an entire pizza if not a foot long chili cheese dog.

Some days I just have to deal with that side effect to get some anxiety relief if my valium isnt helping that day. But it sucks so I do whatver to avoid taking it.

The therapist I had before I moved said sometimes we have to sacfrice our physical health for our mental health. Yeah they can go shove that one. My mental health IS my physical health.

The musical was great. I enjoyed it much more than I thought I would. It was a throw back to the entertainment of the 50’s. Just so much fun. Everyone there was older and masked the whole time. Felt very safe. I took mum out for coffee and pie afterwards. She had a wonderful time but tired and shaking by the time we got home.

Nammu, I love how much you care for your Mum. I hope I am able to help my mom enjoy life when she is your mum's age like you do for your mum.

Hubby and I got up earlier than usual to go to the hypermarket before the crowds. Well, the crowds were already there, but I suppose fewer people than during the main part of the day. We had breakfast at McDonalds. I miss the typical Egg McMuffin with the Canadian bacon (my favorite). They do have Sausage McMuffin, but I rather went for their Big Breakfast. The sausage kinda sucks when it doesn't have a lot of cheese on it. They do have English muffins, but they were were not crisp and were not as good as ones in the US. You otherwise can't get English muffins here. I'll have to make them from scratch or have none. I bought them often when I lived in the US.

My s-i-l called to tell us that food is selling out quickly because of the holiday. We had originally planned to order some additional food through an online grocer, after getting to my s-i-l's. Instead, we had to order it today, so we did so after already going to the hypermarket in person.

I have only one more Christmas cookie to make. I can't skip them because they are one of the nephew's favorite. But I'm tired right now. I've felt that my recent life has been only about cooking/baking and cleaning up a messy kitchen.

We're not having carp this Christmas Eve, though it is the traditional meal in Czech Republic. I did see a carp vendor today outside the hypermarket. You'd find them in every Czech town and city, now through almost Christmas Eve. The picture attached shows them. The carp are alive when sold, stored in the big white vats you see. You can either take it home live (and have to kill it yourself) or the vendor will do that, scale them (which is a hassle), and gut. Czechs who buy them live often put them in their bathtubs until just before they want to prepare them. Also attached is our mini Christmas tree. Not a real tree, but are real greens.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed Does the vistril make you hungry? If I take it I have to be prepared to not diet that day and I'll eat candy bars and then probably an entire pizza if not a foot long chili cheese dog. Some days I just have to deal with that side effect to get some anxiety relief if my valium isnt helping that day. But it sucks so I do whatver to avoid taking it. The therapist I had before I moved said sometimes we have to sacfrice our physical health for our mental health. Yeah they can go shove that one. My mental health IS my physical health.

"Sacrifice our physical health"...you know, that's sick thinking and I'm SO fed up with their attitude.

I'll have to notice in the coming week whether the Visteril makes me hungry. I sure hope it doesn't. I'll let you know.

anxiety and chronic pain, no sleep all week, but apart from that feel okay

I've been trying to start my creative writing again, used to love doing that

it's a great release. I love my cat on the mat poem, even if I think it should be extended to other animals too.

Finally got some sleep last night. Woke up in pain this morning.

Woke up to 55 degrees in the house ! Oooaf lol

I think I am handling Steve being gone okay. Tonight is the wedding. He is so excited. I am glad that I have stayed home to be honest. Every trip to Florida just knocks me sideways.

Hope everyone is having a good day

I'm doing good today. The new sleep, food, and med revamping has gone suprisinly well. Last night I finished dinner around 5:30 and I took the last of my meds at 8. I fell asleep at 10 like I wanted to and I woke up around 7 like I wanted to.

I didnt drink any soda today. Regular or zero sugar. But I've had a ton of iced tea. I had 2 large flavored ones from a local shop, then a pitcher of Lipton decaf, then about 2.5 big glasses of a bag of cold brew iced tea. I've been using the bathroom nonstop.

I finished Project Runway season 2. Now I am onto season 5 since I saw 1-4 all out of order. Then I have 6 and 7 which are avalible on a streaming service and then I'm all caught up to season 13 I think since I watched a bunch of seasons on Hulu early 2020.

My appetite has been decent because I ate chicken nuggets for breakfast. I've been craving carbs and I didnt like not eating savory stuff until dinner. I felt like I was denying myself and I just kept getting frustrated. Not taking the Benadryl or the Visteril has also been helpful for my hunger and I am back to 166. Also switching my injections to every other week makes it so I only get ravenous because of the injections once or twice a day every other week instead of every week. I get my next shot on Christmas Eve and I had already planned on giving myself those 2 days off anyways. So it works out.

My mom is wrapping presents and she got a lot of stuff for my nephews. I'm glad she doesnt seem to be making a big deal out of me this year because in years past she has and I've always felt a bit guilty. I am getting a red Fruit Of The Loom hoodie, a new pair of Vibes ear plugs, and a Kohls gift card. But I heard a loud thump coming from the trunk last week so I think my mom may have gotten me a couple weights. She indicated airly that the thud I heard was a gift for me and I've been looking into weights. I have a 5 foot tall pull up/push up/ work out station I got in the summer and I have a floor ab roller. I just need a couple 10 pound weights and then I'd never need to go to a gym since I'll basically have one at home.

I’m so pleased you and your mom enjoyed that time out.