Bipolar check-in #60

So I didn't take any topamax today. And I didnt take any vistril. And my hunger was fine all day. So idk why the topamax backfired like that and increased my hunger instead. I know those gummy melatoins can sometimes suck too for hunger. My anxiety is a bit tough right now but I havent taken my usual geodon yet. I took my sleep meds already. I ate a purple mashed sweet potato for dinner that looked like dark purple playdough.

I have some song stuck in my head but all I can think of is the words "we're in the navy." I thought it was maybe an old war song from the 40's but my mom said the only thing she can think of is some song from The Villiage People.

My therapist thinks showering every other day is gross. Maybe for her because shes so obese. Seriously shes my age and its just so unhealthy to be that overweight when your not even 30. My transference T called me fat phobic. I dont know if she was telling me I have a fear of gaining weight or a fear of fat people or she was just telling
me that I'm an asshole. I dont know. I know the show my 600 pound life makes me want to barf when its on. I had on it on at the hotel for an hour a couple weeks ago thinking the season premire of a show I kinda am kinda not was going to be on but it was on the other night.

I'm trying to get my mom to take my morbidly obese brother to the doctor for a physical and labs. He hasnt gone in years. I told her if he has a heart attack and dies they are going to ask her why he never went to the doctors for his annual physical and my mom could get into legal trouble.

@WindsThatBlow I have more than 15 tabs open on my laptop right now. My friend used to have probably 100 open at any one time! I don't think we have/had ADHD. And I get SSI and I'm not dating. I'm certainly no financial catch that's for sure.

@WindsThatBlow I have more than 15 tabs open on my laptop right now. My friend used to have probably 100 open at any one time! I don't think we have/had ADHD. And I get SSI and I'm not dating. I'm certainly no financial catch that's for sure.

I don’t even know wtf my problem is anymore. For real. Yesterday I went from too depressed to even go to work, which hasn’t happened to me in almost three years, to absolutely out of my mind with energy and happiness by nightfall. This morning, I was agitated. I got to work, perfectly fine all day. Left work for my therapy appt, pissy trash by the time I got home.

I finished therapy and watched TV for a little while, made myself dinner (btw I only ate Frosted Flakes and 2 cups of goldfish all day due to leaving my lunch at home), and then like…raged. I needed to sort out my deliveries because some were for me, there were presents for my son and my niece somewhere, and kitchen utensils. All in like 8 packages/boxes bc target sent them all out separately??? I don’t get it.

Anyway I don’t have a box cutter for SH reasons, it would be too triggering, so I use a steak knife which I realize isn’t very safe but I GENERALLY don’t want to use it against myself. Except today I was ready to hurt myself, stab the walls, whatever I could get my hands on. I saw so many things I needed/wanted to do around the house but I couldn’t complete any because then I would see something else. I did manage to sort the packages and clean up my bedroom (every little thing on the floor that caught my eye made me mad so I threw it out).

I just HATE this I HATE how messed up I am and it’s not even bipolar, that’s whatever, but I’m SO TIRED of taking meds that are NOT WORKING and I just want to throw all of them out right now. I just think about one thing that’s wrong in my head or personality, like ok I should work on that, but then there’s another, and another, and another, so wtf should I work on first???? I feel like I will NEVER get out of this meds or not so why not throw them out the f’ing window right tf now.

But I can’t, because my life is a nightmare without anything, a much worse nightmare than right now, but I can’t even tell where bipolar ends and just general f’ed upness starts!!! Like am I mad at my mom? My ex husband? My life before RS? I’m most mad at myself for even BEING mad about that **** because it’s OVER MOVE TF ON.

I haven’t been taking night seroquel because I deserve to stay up all night staring at the ceiling and stewing and thinking about what an awful person I am.

F IT.

His life his choices.

I'm doing good today. I didnt sleep as good as the last 2 nights but I got enough sleep. I'm kind of hungry and I had 2 yogurts one being a Greek one so it had alot of protein. I also had a glass of chocolate milk. I get my shot tonight so I dont know if I'll get even hungrier. Right now all I can do is just keep up with the protein and low carbs and use distraction. I also have my daily pitcher of Lipton decaf iced tea in the fridge that I made this morning. But yeah today I'm doing good so far and I'm not stressing over current events or much of anything.

It's probably the placebo effect but I'm feeling a little better. Just the second day on Trintellix.

I still have anxiety attacks, but they're not as long.

I'll take whatever better feelings I can get.

I’m feeling a bit better today. I was able to pick up some medication that I hadn’t for several days. It gave me an opportunity to get some of my delicious raspberry tea. I sat out in the sun again today. I think that and increasing my Vraylar to every day is helping.

I have some fun things planned for this weekend. Tomorrow a Christmas concert and dinner with a friend. Sunday an event making ornaments for the home. I’m glad it’s finally here. It will be a nice change. I also have a drum circle, 2 more concerts and the Symphony’s Christmas to attend plus the family gals get together. Somewhere in there I’m going to sneak in a trip to see my daughter mid December. I’ve planned a wonderful month. I’ve lowered my expectations with SAD but it should still be awesome.

I hope everyone has an enjoyable weekend!

My mom was *****ing at me and being crabby about how crowded Sams Club was at 1PM. I was telling her this morning at 9:30 to go as soon as they open. You have to get out as early as possible at this time of year even without who knows what the hell kinda virus is out there along with all those holiday crowds. But once again she didn't listen to me. When I die I want my tombstone to read "they never listened to me."

I'm getting my shot tonight so I can be on track to get my bloodwork on Monday. I have to get it done in a certain time frame according to when I got the shot last. Usually I'd have legit roid rage right now but I dont feel any type of anger about anything. Mild annoyance maybe. But not the full blown freak outs I'd get the last day before my shot.

Your plans sound wonderful. I especially like the making ornaments, that sounds fun.

I got my online glasses! The rainbow ones. The lenses are great, the reading section of the glasses is a little high so I have to keep my head down when I drive or watch TV but it’s ok. But I love the frames. Mum thinks they look a bit crazy. But I think they’re fun. 🤩 my other pair from a store are crystal clear and more for everyday. Next time I need glasses I’m definitely doing the online thing it’s 3x cheaper.

Still so furious. At everything. Mad all the way to work. Kid with broken foot came in and bowled over a classmate on his crutches, didn’t care, threw his crutches down, basic a-hole nonsense and I wanted to punch him straight in the face. Usually the students don’t get to me bc I have it in the back of my head that it’s not their fault, they’re learning acceptable behavior. Oh, but not today! I snapped at him for his rudeness. Thing is he couldn’t care less lol which is good because I won’t get in trouble.

THEN my son’s school called, ONCE AGAIN he’s been kicked out of school because of Covid exposure. And this time, since the state is in a high transmission level, he can’t go back at all until Dec 17. I was so mad, I was like how am I supposed to take two weeks off????

HR was useless, wouldn’t answer a simple question straight out, like wtf. But thankfully RS saved the day for me, he’s gonna take his last vacation days to let me go to work for at least a week. I’ll still miss a whole week but wtfever, nothing I can do.

I’m trying to calm down.

I have a totally new attitude today to the online romance i had in July: i'm happy that it happened! It WAS pretty terrific after all. It WAS intensely pleasurable. I am a pretty old lady (55) to be getting some romance. I'm going to stop being sad that it didn't last and that i ruined it and just be happy that it happened at all. It really made my year this year, definitely the high point.

A wave of rage washed over me the day before yesterday when the Christmas decorations were put up in the building. Christmas is such a difficult time for me, being alone and it doesn't help that each time i enter or exit the building i'm overwhelmed with reminders of the holidays.

I somewhat don't think it's really proper anyways as Christmas is a holiday belonging to only one culture and with our increasingly multi-cultural building it's not really sensitive. I certainly don't want MY condo fees going to fund a practice i don't support.

I wrote an email to that effect to our property manager but i didn't send it. I'm glad i didn't as i saw my neighbors for our coffee social yesterday and they were thrilled with the decorations and all my anger passed.

I'll probably get waves of rage as the month progresses but hopefully this was the worst of it. The anticipatory anxiety is always worse than the actual event for me, so the day will arrive and i will spend it quietly with my dog, happy to be avoiding all the family squabbles.

@Nammu:

Thanks for the info on the online glasses. I'm tired of getting ripped-off at the bricks-and-mortar optician. I don't have a medical plan so i foot the whole bill myself and i need two pairs so i've been paying a fortune to those heartless b@st@rds. I think fun frames are great, too. I have horn-rimmed chunky black plastic frames with sparkles on the corners! They are so distinctive an old friend recognized me in the mall the other day just from my glasses, despite my mask!

I got the shot. I'm not hungry. I was ok with just tuna for dinner. I think my soda really was zero instead of regular according to the scale. So I am super low on calories.

But I feel fine physically and I'm not even drowsy despite being up since before 4. My mood has dipped a bit but it could just be that its dark now.

I dont know. Sometimes going to bed on a basically empty stomach helps me sleep better. If I eat an actual dinner I don't sleep well. I just kinda feel like all the bullying and stuff and being really fat from the time I was 14 until I was like 22-23 just messed with me more then I or the people around me realize.

And when you have a super fat therapist whos the same age as you how do you even bring this topic up without offending her unintenionally.

I guess I'm feeling a bit nauseated right now from it.

Just a note about online glasses. You need to tell your eye doctor that your ordering online so they can give you the extra info to fill out the order. My eye dr was kind of dismissive of online glasses but said I’d need a dp( I think that’s what it was) number and wrote it on the prescription and I did need it.

I’m glad you are taking a new look at your romance. That’s an excellent way to think of it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scooter9 It's probably the placebo effect but I'm feeling a little better. Just the second day on Trintellix. I still have anxiety attacks, but they're not as long. I'll take whatever better feelings I can get.

Isn't that the truth?!

I'm happy to hear that Trintellix is helping you. Is it an AP?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu I got my online glasses! The rainbow ones. The lenses are great, the reading section of the glasses is a little high so I have to keep my head down when I drive or watch TV but it’s ok. But I love the frames. Mum thinks they look a bit crazy. But I think they’re fun. 🤩 my other pair from a store are crystal clear and more for everyday. Next time I need glasses I’m definitely doing the online thing it’s 3x cheaper.

Rainbow glasses sound so happy! I read that Elton John has started his own line of glasses frames. I hope some of those glasses have sequins and feathers on them My glasses are a nice champagne-tone. I'm fine with them, but I think they are a bit unexciting.

It's an SSRI, but it does something else with seratonin.

I picked my Part D plan tonight. Well I picked days ago but I made it official. I'm so nervous; I hate these changes and this time is extra frustrating because nobody is covering clozapine at a reasonable rate so I'll have to use goodrx or something. Or it will surprise me and run through at less than I'm expecting. But one good thing is that it looks like I don't have to use mail order anymore. I won't be sure until I try it but it looks possible.

I wish I knew how to be confident in the plan before I chose it. But it will be ok. It always has been and will be again.

I think I'm mixed. I'm so mad and sad. I slept 3 hours last night. Everyone thinks I'm mad at them. I'm not. I think they're doing stupidness but I'm not mad at them. I'm sad isolating. Finally brushed my hair after like almost a month not. Everything is a ****ing disaster and I'm trying to bring back some normalcy but no one's helping I feel like I'm drowning.