Bipolar check-in #60

*Beth* · Dec 12, 2021, 05:35 PM

It's raining today! So nice, and we so need it.

The panic is moderate today. I do feel optimistic, because of my discovery that doing something fun (like a movie) helps. I put in a call to my pdoc on Friday basically pleading for help with the panic. I don't expect much from her, but I'll take whatever she suggests.

I'm getting all wound up about household chores, of all things. I feel like no matter how hard I work at chores I can never do them well enough. It's crazy thinking.

Mountaindewed · 06:39 PM

The news is really scary. We got hit too. I thought global warming wouldnt get like this for another 10 years at the least. I hope something can be done. Next week seems terrifying weather wise. Maybe its just where I live now though. I was hoping for a white Christmas.

Arent the baby boomers responsible for global warming? Or was that something Gen Z came up with. Makes sense though when you think of it.

*Beth* · Dec 12, 2021, 06:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

The news is really scary. We got hit too. I thought global warming wouldnt get like this for another 10 years at the least. I hope something can be done. Next week seems terrifying weather wise. Maybe its just where I live now though. I was hoping for a white Christmas.

Arent the baby boomers responsible for global warming? Or was that something Gen Z came up with. Makes sense though when you think of it.

I don't think any specific generation is responsible for global warming.

Nammu · Dec 12, 2021, 07:15 PM

They’ve found pollution from the Bronze Age in the Arctic snow and glacier packs. Humans have been making pollution since we started with fire 🔥. There’s over 7.9 billion of us on Earth. That’s a lot of pollution.

Mountaindewed · Dec 12, 2021, 08:10 PM

I feel like theres a parasite in my brain my head hurts but in such a strange way. I took an Advil even though I should only take tylenol. I needed something strong tonight.

Possible trigger:

I doubled up on my new melatoinin. It was either that, an extra geodon, or a 4th valium. But I've been waiting for over an hour for the first one to kick in and I'm really anxious

I hope the advil works soon since the only way I've been able to sleep lately is with music. Lately I've started with the song The Freshman and then I'm asleep before the song Ironic is on. Then I usually either wake up or turn off my music when I am in the S section. I have a ton of songs. But tonight with this headache I just have to wait. My mom said the headache is from the weather.

Bob Barker is 98 today. Another one who is going to go soon.

Dec 12, 2021, 08:32 PM

An old friend sent me a Merry Christmas email. It was nice to hear from him even tho his behavior is not flawless. He was inappropriate one time but apologized and said he wasn't thinking. It's my only Christmas wish so far, so i replied. An email correspondence is pretty safe.

I'm having despair in the daytime which goes away in the evening. So i've been trying to doze the days away, with fair success. I got my dog out for exercise today, it was cold and windy but sunny and cheery.

I've been reading a self-help book but it is annoying me and i feel i just have to get thru the holidays as best i can, even if it's messy and dull. I have to use my judgment. It's up to me.

Blessings to all those effected by the hurricanes in the US. The wind up here in Ontario was pretty scary last night. I send my hopes that everyone here on the forum is safe.

Moose72 · Dec 12, 2021, 08:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

Bob Barker is 98 today. Another one who is going to go soon.

Hey Betty White is 99 and going strong. May they both make it to at least 100!

Moose72 · Dec 12, 2021, 08:44 PM

I went to my mom's today to make shortbread. It was my dad's mom's recipe. My mom said that she's been making the shortbread for 50 years! We had dinner and watched the news. Tornados seem to be getting worse. I don't know if it's global warming but all storms seem to be getting worse on the planet. Also on the news is that 70% of adults have had at least two doses of the covid vaccines ! I hope people will get the booster. Especially N3. He has so many things to do and he's ignoring them all!

Soupe du jour · Dec 13, 2021, 03:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WindsThatBlow

Happy Sunday everyone. I think I've mentioned it before, but I really dislike Sundays. I never have enjoyed them and there really isn't a reason why. It's just another day.

I'm doing alright today. To be fair to myself, I am doing better than OK but because I tend to fluctuate a lot I find being modest about where I am makes my mood seem more stable by playing a more neutral ground. I feel fine, would be more appropriate, for today. I haven't any plans and I feel like I'm just trying to burn the day away. It's only early afternoon and I am ready to go to bed lol. I've already taken a bath and had lunch and well, I'm not sure what else to do today. I may study something (as you guys know -- that's my go-to fun activity as weird as that is) or place some games. I'll figure out something to be sure, it's just a matter of settling on something.

Just a little catch-up, my appointments are gonna be slowing down some. My mood is much more stable and I've been on mood med for long enough to say it is effectively working. Unless something changes, there really isn't much need for the week/two week appointments. Beyond that, anxiety/ADHD meds are currently in trial but are promising. I feel like this may be the thing that finally works, but I won't get my hopes up to be let down. Unless it just stops seeming to work, I think we may have finally found something to cover all symptoms I experience. I have to commend my psychiatrist for not giving up, because I had. Therapy on the other hand will continue weekly. We are still in a get-to-know-you phase, but she does leave me with strategies and tips to help me every session. It's nice that I can focus on the pressing things in the moment rather than have a strict -- "today we do this" -- type of deal. Structured but flexible is a nice touch in my opinion.

I'm really not looking forward to Christmas this year. I am having to go to my brother's house in another state. We're flying there. First and foremost I want to let it be known I wasn't invited, my mom was. My mom insisted I had to go as well and went in on half for my ticket with my brother. [My living situation is a little complicated -- but my mom is independent, despite her claims I have to be here "to help her" , which is her excuse for me having to go with her to my brothers]. My brother and I don't tend to see eye-to-eye on a lot. Conversations don't have to get deep and they are usually fine, but we have some history that still affects me. He thinks poorly of me, and if he knew anything about me (we didn't grow up together and he was too busy raising a family and being a dad/husband in another state to really put too much into our relationship -- which was fine by me. I know that statement sounds as if I'm being judgemental but I'm not. Part of the problem is my brother blames me for not wanting to try to force a relationship and bond that I feel should have, or would have happened, growing up. It's just a little too late and I have no want to try to make it happen. He has some religious views that are concerning to me plus and he has used my nieces and nephews against me in the past because he was angry with me. I don't like the idea of 10 days with him. I just don't. Or going to a church that has had three (count them, three) sermons [my mom watches them on youtube] on how transgendered people are trying to convert and control the youth on tiktok, or how Joe Biden is the antichrist, or [insert other outrageous claim that is well beyond any scope of the teaching of Christianity in my personal, humble opinion and extorted for personal reasons]. I leave in 9 days. I'll try to make the best of it.

I hope everyone is doing well. I read something the other day and really stuck with me and I thought I might share it as I think it's rather appropriate for a mental health forum. Basically it was about being kinder to ourselves. We struggle, we all struggle -- and no one wants to suffer. Anyone who can look on in judgement and pretend there's a simple solution either doesn't see the whole picture, is oblivious to reality, or just a jerk. Finding a remedy for our suffering isn't easy, but it's worth working toward. Don't get discouraged by those who don't understand. I say that from personal experience - there are still days I feel I can't be "fixed" and I hide away in my room away from the world. I'm trying to be a bit kinder to myself today, and recognize that while I do suffer, and I hurt -- I am trying to find my path forward to a quality of life and that's the only thing that should matter, and the only person who it should matter to, is me and those I love. Just something to help keep the negativity in check. I need it sometimes.

@WindsThatBlow, I particularly like this post and am so glad you shared these feelings. I agree that sometimes it's good "to just be" and appreciate a situation in a mindful way without overlabeling it. I am glad to read that your situation is positive and that you are going with the flow. I hope the positive phase lasts a long time, but for sure, don't think about that.

My relationship with my brother is similar to yours, but we manage when we're together. But the conversations have to be kept a bit superficial. My brother is almost six years older than me. In our youth, that was a big difference. Now, not so much, but our paths did lead in vastly different directions. We are molded by them, for better or for worse. In any case, I'm glad I have a brother. I understand some of his struggles and why he deals with them as he does, even if some not so well. I think it goes both ways.

Soupe du jour · Dec 13, 2021, 04:29 AM

My husband and I are incredibly stressed out. Last night we even had a fight and didn't talk until this morning. I didn't make a dinner, but rather ate a stale roll with butter and two cheese slices. Neither of us felt willing to apologize this morning. We just agreed that we're stressed and that ended the fight.

Hubby said he wants to back out of visiting his sister over the holidays. I told him we can't since I actually invited us to her house, knowing she would like the idea. Plus, I volunteered to cook/bake some of the stuff. I did say we could get away with cutting the visit a day or two short. That's what we might do. I still think that if we stayed home on Christmas Eve/Day it would be quite sad.

Soupe du jour · Dec 13, 2021, 09:55 AM

I went to the gynecologist. Hubby went with me to help with the initial registration, since the nurse didn't speak English. Luckily for me, the gynecologist, herself, spoke sufficient English, so Hubby didn't have to join me in the exam room. The conversation part was quite thorough. In addition to the typical annual exam, I had an ultrasound, which she performed, rather than a tech assistant, like in the US. I seem to always have benign ovarian cysts, but the cervical polyps my old gynecologist removed were still gone. She wants me to return in 6 months for another exam, because of the cysts. She said I could wait a year for a mammogram, unless something seems amiss. She said my recent period issues were perimenopause. I was actually relieved to finally hear that. I won't worry anymore about that unless something is scarily amiss.

My blood pressure was through the roof at 158/102. They told me I should discuss this with my GP soon. Truth is, I was EXTREMELY nervous and stressed. Also, my habits have been less than ideal, lately. I've actually lost a bit of weight, but drink too much caffeine, and...too much wine. The latter two will change. As for the stress, I'll try to cut down the activity a little. I took an Ativan a few minutes ago, just to calm myself a bit. The nurse said to take my blood pressure as soon as I get up in the mornings, that that is the most accurate time to take it. One other explanation for the increase might be that I stopped one of my three blood pressure medications, but only because of the ineptitude of the GP we have here. We're thinking of switching to someone new.

dsmith · Dec 13, 2021, 11:51 AM

Morning all. It's a tough morning, as most Mondays are, but I'm trying to stay positive. Couple highlights:

1. Wife is away. My wife is on vacation this week. It's a mixed blessing. Obviously, I miss her. But the quiet is kind of nice. Usually I'm sitting around waiting for the "other shoe to drop." I help her out with a lot of her business, which works well. She's a great manager, and I need direction.

Usually I feel a lot of stress. She's never overly demanding or punitive, but does seek my help and input a lot. This is a mixed blessing as well: it keeps me on track, but a lot of times I feel
(1) anxiety because I'm in a constant "fight or flight" mode. Waiting for
(2) lack of empowerment: it feels like the only time I can get things done

2. Weaning off medication. I was on Lamictal and Bupropion for a while, but I noticed a lot of side effects. Specifically Lamictal: it caused a lot of sensitivity and bleeding in my gums. Has anyone experienced this? I started taking it in the fall of 2016, and then in the spring of 2019 my gums began bleeding profusely whenever I brushed, and were extremely sensitive.

I would say I'm a lot more stable now than I was 5 years ago. Mostly because of meditation, support from my family, and removing toxic influences from my life (mostly my mom, dad, and brother). So I think Lamictal has "done its job," and I'm ready to wean off it. I went from taking 250mg every morning, to 150mg for 2 weeks, and now I'm down to 50mg.

I feel a lot more distraction, trouble staying motivation, and total disengagement from everything. I've been looking up a lot of info about burnout, and how to deal. It's a good "dry run," I guess.

3. Switching from coffee to tea. About 3 weeks ago (11/22, right before Thanksgiving), I began vomiting every morning. This was always right after I had my morning coffee. So I switched to tea. Mixed bag (sounds like the theme of the day lol): coffee gave me a jolt of energy instantaneously, whereas tea is a very mild upper. However, I don't have to toss my cookies every morning. That was no fun: it would leave me completely depleted, especially because it also flushed the medication out of my system.

So it's a slog, but I'm gonna try to keep my nose to the grindstone and get through the day. Wish you all love and many blessings of the day.

Mountaindewed · 03:34 PM

I'm still trying to get the package situation fixed. When I click on my tracking info it says change my delivery. Yet it wont let me. The seller got back and said only I can change the delivery. But UPS wont ****ing let me for some reason. I need some invoice number I dont have. My tracking number doesnt work. Its out for delivery now but I dont know when its coming. It could be 4:30 and dark when it comes. I plan on just going to the apartment and seeing if the people will just give it to me. It was on a credit card and my mom said maybe the bank can fix it. I just have this ****ing headache that feels like worms are eating their way through my brain and I'm super nausated as well. This is a zofran type day.

I took an advil. I'd rather contiune to ruin my kidneys then to deal with this parasite like headache. I seem to be calming down a bit despite still not having a clue about how to deal with the package. I may still need a zofran.

I went to the mexican and indian grocery stores and just got my usual flavors of stuff. Nothing exciting. I went to the asian market too and saw sauerkurat lays chips. I was already feeling pretty sick by then and seeing that did not help.

I took a zofran and a valium. It seemed to have worked at first but now I just feel sick and anxious again. I took my 3rd valium half an hour ago and that went right through me. I tried eating some protein since I havent eaten much today. It didnt do anything except cause more nausea. I dont know if this package thing has me that worked up. I mean whats the worst that can happen? I'm out $47 its not the end of the world if I dont get it.

I wish I could stop sweating about the small stuff. I should get that book.

dsmith · Dec 13, 2021, 12:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I had a video appointment with my psychiatrist today. It went well. She said I’ve made a lot of progress since I started seeing her 6 years ago.

That’s great! Very happy for you.

Also – great idea about getting a cat; I have a dog (King Charles Cavalier Spaniel), and he provides me with a lot of emotional support. Animals seem to have an instinctual feel for when someone’s in need of TLC. They are life’s greatest miracles; I sometimes prefer pets to humans! Much less drama (except when the mailman comes by lol).

Fuzzybear · Dec 13, 2021, 12:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BethRags

It's raining today! So nice, and we so need it.

The panic is moderate today. I do feel optimistic, because of my discovery that doing something fun (like a movie) helps. I put in a call to my pdoc on Friday basically pleading for help with the panic. I don't expect much from her, but I'll take whatever she suggests.

I'm getting all wound up about household chores, of all things. I feel like no matter how hard I work at chores I can never do them well enough. It's crazy thinking.

I love a bit of rain (there is plenty of rain here often)

Fun things sometimes help me with panic too.

Good luck with pdoc. I feel similarly about pdocs (or the equivalent) - I don't expect much from them. I hope she suggests something that helps, even if only somewhat (I'll take whatever they suggest, if it is helpful)

Re household chores, I wonder if its due to sub optimal ''mothering''

It is in my case.

Fuzzybear · Dec 13, 2021, 12:29 PM

Thanks for sharing WindsThatBlow

I agree with what you posted about being kinder to ourselves, I'm trying to be kinder to me.....

I'm glad you're doing ok (or better than ok)

I tend to fluctuate a lot too. I also like studying and playing games.

I was going to post something else but deleted it (that's ''normal'' for me)

Quote:

Originally Posted by WindsThatBlow

Happy Sunday everyone. I think I've mentioned it before, but I really dislike Sundays. I never have enjoyed them and there really isn't a reason why. It's just another day.

I'm doing alright today. To be fair to myself, I am doing better than OK but because I tend to fluctuate a lot I find being modest about where I am makes my mood seem more stable by playing a more neutral ground. I feel fine, would be more appropriate, for today. I haven't any plans and I feel like I'm just trying to burn the day away. It's only early afternoon and I am ready to go to bed lol. I've already taken a bath and had lunch and well, I'm not sure what else to do today. I may study something (as you guys know -- that's my go-to fun activity as weird as that is) or place some games. I'll figure out something to be sure, it's just a matter of settling on something.

Just a little catch-up, my appointments are gonna be slowing down some. My mood is much more stable and I've been on mood med for long enough to say it is effectively working. Unless something changes, there really isn't much need for the week/two week appointments. Beyond that, anxiety/ADHD meds are currently in trial but are promising. I feel like this may be the thing that finally works, but I won't get my hopes up to be let down. Unless it just stops seeming to work, I think we may have finally found something to cover all symptoms I experience. I have to commend my psychiatrist for not giving up, because I had. Therapy on the other hand will continue weekly. We are still in a get-to-know-you phase, but she does leave me with strategies and tips to help me every session. It's nice that I can focus on the pressing things in the moment rather than have a strict -- "today we do this" -- type of deal. Structured but flexible is a nice touch in my opinion.

I'm really not looking forward to Christmas this year. I am having to go to my brother's house in another state. We're flying there. First and foremost I want to let it be known I wasn't invited, my mom was. My mom insisted I had to go as well and went in on half for my ticket with my brother. [My living situation is a little complicated -- but my mom is independent, despite her claims I have to be here "to help her" , which is her excuse for me having to go with her to my brothers]. My brother and I don't tend to see eye-to-eye on a lot. Conversations don't have to get deep and they are usually fine, but we have some history that still affects me. He thinks poorly of me, and if he knew anything about me (we didn't grow up together and he was too busy raising a family and being a dad/husband in another state to really put too much into our relationship -- which was fine by me. I know that statement sounds as if I'm being judgemental but I'm not. Part of the problem is my brother blames me for not wanting to try to force a relationship and bond that I feel should have, or would have happened, growing up. It's just a little too late and I have no want to try to make it happen. He has some religious views that are concerning to me plus and he has used my nieces and nephews against me in the past because he was angry with me. I don't like the idea of 10 days with him. I just don't. Or going to a church that has had three (count them, three) sermons [my mom watches them on youtube] on how transgendered people are trying to convert and control the youth on tiktok, or how Joe Biden is the antichrist, or [insert other outrageous claim that is well beyond any scope of the teaching of Christianity in my personal, humble opinion and extorted for personal reasons]. I leave in 9 days. I'll try to make the best of it.

I hope everyone is doing well. I read something the other day and really stuck with me and I thought I might share it as I think it's rather appropriate for a mental health forum. Basically it was about being kinder to ourselves. We struggle, we all struggle -- and no one wants to suffer. Anyone who can look on in judgement and pretend there's a simple solution either doesn't see the whole picture, is oblivious to reality, or just a jerk. Finding a remedy for our suffering isn't easy, but it's worth working toward. Don't get discouraged by those who don't understand. I say that from personal experience - there are still days I feel I can't be "fixed" and I hide away in my room away from the world. I'm trying to be a bit kinder to myself today, and recognize that while I do suffer, and I hurt -- I am trying to find my path forward to a quality of life and that's the only thing that should matter, and the only person who it should matter to, is me and those I love. Just something to help keep the negativity in check. I need it sometimes.

Nammu · Dec 13, 2021, 12:34 PM

My sister texted last night and we decided to get together tomorrow and do a turkey Christmas dinner. I went to the store and ordered the meal for 4. I pick it up at 10 and then put it in the oven. We are having cranberries, green beans, dressing, mashed potatoes and apple pie 🥧 . My sister and brother-in-law are going down south for a couple months. They don’t like the cold. They are getting a condo on the beach. It will be just a nice little get together. Laid back and fun.

Victoria'smom · Dec 13, 2021, 12:55 PM

I slept 3 hours. I ordered groceries to be delivered. Miguel finished this semester. His gpa dropped by a letter grade this semester so he has to kick butt next semester to keep his scholarship. It'll be his his final semester for his degree. Then he has up to 3 years to use the rest of his scholarship. He's looking for work but everyone is looking for full time. He can't do that. So I'm helping him search. H and I are fighting over finances about how much to financially help others (including Miguel). I listened to my former t's voice mail and I got sad. I'm not sure how much I am eating anymore as we have no schedule anymore. I'm going to make a sandwich when the groceries get here.

*Beth* · Dec 13, 2021, 02:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I went to the gynecologist. Hubby went with me to help with the initial registration, since the nurse didn't speak English. Luckily for me, the gynecologist, herself, spoke sufficient English, so Hubby didn't have to join me in the exam room. The conversation part was quite thorough. In addition to the typical annual exam, I had an ultrasound, which she performed, rather than a tech assistant, like in the US. I seem to always have benign ovarian cysts, but the cervical polyps my old gynecologist removed were still gone. She wants me to return in 6 months for another exam, because of the cysts. She said I could wait a year for a mammogram, unless something seems amiss. She said my recent period issues were perimenopause. I was actually relieved to finally hear that. I won't worry anymore about that unless something is scarily amiss.

My blood pressure was through the roof at 158/102. They told me I should discuss this with my GP soon. Truth is, I was EXTREMELY nervous and stressed. Also, my habits have been less than ideal, lately. I've actually lost a bit of weight, but drink too much caffeine, and...too much wine. The latter two will change. As for the stress, I'll try to cut down the activity a little. I took an Ativan a few minutes ago, just to calm myself a bit. The nurse said to take my blood pressure as soon as I get up in the mornings, that that is the most accurate time to take it. One other explanation for the increase might be that I stopped one of my three blood pressure medications, but only because of the ineptitude of the GP we have here. We're thinking of switching to someone new.

I'm so glad everything at the gyno went well. Please Soupe, do start another blood pressure med. Even under anxiety, those numbers are scarily high.

*Beth* · Dec 13, 2021, 02:50 PM

POURING rain! So good, although I'm a bit jumpy about driving to a therapy appointment this afternoon.

For some reason I was able to get an appt. for tomorrow with my new pdoc. We have not gotten off to a great start, but I think we're both trying to better understand each other. I need help with this panic. Desperately.

Nammu · Dec 13, 2021, 03:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BethRags

POURING rain! So good, although I'm a bit jumpy about driving to a therapy appointment this afternoon.

For some reason I was able to get an appt. for tomorrow with my new pdoc. We have not gotten off to a great start, but I think we're both trying to better understand each other. I need help with this panic. Desperately.

I hope your appointments go well and they have ideas.

MuddyBoots · Dec 13, 2021, 03:25 PM

I got to talk to a very good friend of mine just now so that cheered me up a bit. Of course I didn't get to tell him about my failing mental health, just the urinary retention stories (didn't even get to the part where I passed out). I fear he's only my friend out of loneliness, that he doesn't really know me or even like me. Could just be the depression speaking, but I've had these thoughts for seemingly forever.

I talked to my NP today. She kept wanting to put me on weight gaining meds like Remeron and zyprexa. I Don't know why she would want to put me on zyprexa in the first place if haldol is doing its job better. She just wants to make me fatter so i hate myself even more than I already do so I kill myself and that's one less annoying patient she has to deal with. Course ya never know who would take my place...

Talk to my therapist in half an hour. Will probably update when done.

Mountaindewed · Dec 13, 2021, 03:40 PM

I feel like I'm having a stroke or something. I just keep smelling these phantom smells and they are making me nauseated and are giving me a headache. I've had my meds and then some and my zofran and an advil. I thought it was my new tank top and my mom said it did have a smell to it. So I took it off. But now I'm smelling something kinda burnt maybe? Kinda like a combination of toast and egg salad sandwhich. I asked my mom to get me some advil liguid gels while shes out. I cant take advil but they work well and I'd rather contiune to nuke my kidneys then to end up in the nut house during christmas time.

Still no word on the package and its getting a bit late to be heading into who knows what kind of apartment building.

MuddyBoots · Dec 13, 2021, 03:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I feel like I'm having a stroke or something. I just keep smelling these phantom smells and they are making me nauseated and are giving me a headache. I've had my meds and then some and my zofran and an advil. I thought it was my new tank top and my mom said it did have a smell to it. So I took it off. But now I'm smelling something kinda burnt maybe? Kinda like a combination of toast and egg salad sandwhich. I asked my mom to get me some advil liguid gels while shes out. I cant take advil but they work well and I'd rather contiune to nuke my kidneys then to end up in the nut house during christmas time.

Still no word on the package and its getting a bit late to be heading into who knows what kind of apartment building.

Sorry I'm a little behind, why is it take advil or wind up in the "nut house?"

Mountaindewed · Dec 13, 2021, 04:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sapien

Sorry I'm a little behind, why is it take advil or wind up in the "nut house?"

Just like if my mental health symptoms got so out of control or something because my headache made me lose control. Just a joke really. Often times my mental health issues are being caused by an underlying medical condition or a high blood level. Once I take the apropriate medication things get under control.

It was just a bad joke really.

But I do really feel better after the advil.

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