My diary: To support and help others

Dear reader, this week goes by and we are on sportsbreak next week. That means a break for a week with no school at all. Things are kind of dark and difficult right now. Everything job related. It’s a misery and it’s a suffering that you will get bashed no matter what you do or what decision you take. I have plan to go to the gym and fix myself a bit. I know all of my exercises from the memory since I worked out at gym for years. And I know how the rebuild the body again. I only need those two little things called “motivation” and “time”. I did spend all my days by walking, having my music on and listening at some 1980s mixed rock and pop.

But how can you get the motivation when things are collapsing and you are so damaged? That when my close colleague left today for a new job in another school, how that loneliness will embrace me like it did when she was not around. That no one wants to sit next to me when we all having lunch. That even my working colleagues in parallel class - one I know very well - just takes the chair that’s next to me and move it to her group. Instead of sit next to me and eat her meal. That is typical Swedish example - all this - how you freeze other people out. And that, dear reader, hurts more than being bullied.

I don’t know what to do anymore since nothing seems to have any point. It’s such wide silent culture but when I fix their adapters to their laptops, then I’m the hero. Or some issue they have with their laptops and such. I can’t believe that this is happening to me. But thing is, that has happening for a long time only last year I saw how bad it was. Now it just escalated from bad to worse.

Perhaps it’s meant to happen. All of this. But no matter what, I will try to write here as much as I can. Someone is reading. It’s horrible to read about my burden. And I really thought that I perhaps will damage someone here than help or support - as it’s now being my problems that’s circling. But I have no one to speak with this anymore. One thing is for sure: I haven’t gave up the hope. And as long as my hope is bright and still burning, I will not give up. And neither should you, dear reader. No matter what it is. Yes, thankfully half of Zopiclone (3,25 mg) is doing it job just as 7,5 mg dose. Yes, I’m taking all my pills and not any one them did I’ve forgot to take. And yes, I have started to reclaim my sleeping rhythm. So you know what? I am saying just as that American president did when the world was burning to hell in the World War 2:

“When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.” - Franklin D. Roosevelt

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Greetings, Hexagon! It's good to read your posts. Can you explain - why is the week break called "sportsbreak"? Here, we might say "vacation."

I read today that over and above all other exercise, walking is the healthiest.

I'm so pleased that you are getting some improved sleep. I am struggling with that at this time. Lack of proper sleep is disabling.

Roosevelt was a wise man.

Thank you! It’s called because here in Sweden all students have a week full of sports activities. Not just winter sports but all sports that are available during this period. Most of it are indoors such as floorball, futsal, but also handball, swimming, table tennis and such.

Yes, I’m just literally taking moment by moment. I didn’t wanted any of this - especially not this disease. And especially when other people who doesn’t have this won’t respect it. Some are also just too occupied with their own problems.

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Dear reader. I’m bit different today. Tired, but more positive. I had wonderful weekend. Walked in this little snow that came and now that is tonight at midnight melting due to the rain. This Swedish weather - as I once explained - have bipolar too. So for me it’s common that the temperature and weather-changes happens like this. Two days snow was little fun, but now it will all be washed away.

I’m thinking many times of my past. How I would had changed myself and never accepted that job at gymnasium in January 2011. None of this wouldn’t happen. No visit to hospital no nothing. I would however still battled with my depression, but I wouldn’t had depression AND bipolar. Fate went in another direction, I guess. Not many swedes believe in fate. But in Southern Europe, where I originally come from, people believe in fate. Fate and destiny. And they believe that more than any religion.

What I will do this week? Relax. Perhaps go and swim myself in our town’s fresh and now modern swimming-hall. Maybe even a nice jacuzzi (last time I was there was 2019). I have also booked a Thaimassage. That is so much helping me. This Buddhist massage they practice. And to start to gym for real. That’s my goals at the moment.

Have a lovely week and take care of you, dear reader.

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Dear reader. The week had started fine. I didn’t do much. Not that I’m lazy, but I simply didn’t had any energy since I’m all drained from last week happenings. I have focus on to start to the gym tomorrow - just one hour. Anything to get my mood back. Oh and it snowed. And everything froze to ice as well. So in the evening when I went to my grocery store nearby, I slipped on something that once was a puddle of water and now was rock hard ice.

Since I had Disney+ since the launch here in Sweden, I enjoy to watch tv-series and movies every now and then. Last week I saw Eternals. And today I watched Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings. Not bad movie, even though part of it was bit dull. But all of these MCU-movies are in one way or another linked to the post events of the Avengers: Endgame. I did though liked that ancient, Chinese culture. I see details in the movies. No matter how small they are, I see this all. Even if it’s let say furnitures or lamps. Even if I’m absolutely no fan of the communism in China, I always admired that country’s ancient culture who was before the communism and such. I understand why American Asians want to have those tradition in some parts of America. Even have neighbourhoods who are decorated with that old, ancient culture of theirs. Like in the movie - in San Francisco.

That is me in a nutshell: to see and learn from other cultures, and share mine. To taste it, to feel it. Meet the people, greet them. I have so much to see during my little time here on Earth. All those places. The atmosphere. But I need to have patience. And also that my current situation who is job related sorts out. Since it’s kind of tearing me apart. But somehow, it will be fixed.

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Your interest in many cultures is commendable. I am very fortunate to live in one of the most culturally diverse places in the world. I live 90 miles (144 kilometers) from San Francisco. It is true that there is a large neighborhood in the city called "China Town"...the place is filled with many shops and curiosities, also buildings where people live, but it is also a display of the ancient culture of China. Everywhere one looks there is something to be fascinated by. It is like a dream of a far-away, very ancient land.

My son, age 33, lives with his dear wife in San Francisco. He graduated university in Paris, however.

I've been watching shows lately. Versailles is my favorite, absolutely magnificent in every way. I also watched the series Victoria about Queen Victoria. I learned much from it and enjoyed the show.

I hope you weren't injured from your slip on the puddle of ice! I have never lived in a location in which there is snow; I have only visited the snow. Living in snow seems a bit dangerous.

Take good care, my friend.

Hex, do you expect any problems from the Putin situation?

Sweden are - for time being - no threat for that tyrant in Kremlin. Even if our island, Gotland, would’ve nice jewel to attach his fleet. Having Gotland means having Baltic Sea. However, those Baltic countries are in the danger-zone since Putin mobilised everything he got - even from the east. We are talking at least 180 battalions (out of what I’ve read on social media). Only in Ukraine alone Russia has put 40 tactical battalions that include 94000 soldiers, 1200 tanks, 2900 armoured vehicles, 1600 artillery pieces, 330 airplanes, 240 helicopters and 6 submarines. Full blown war.

So even if Sweden might not get affected with all this madness, there are other nations who might will. NATO haven’t mobilised this many battalions in time, hence why Russia is (at the moment) having advantage.

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Dear reader. I have read too much, way too much information about this war that is going on in Ukraine. Even if I knew that the maniac from Kremlin would find any excuse to invade that country. It was only a matter of time since he surrounded it from every angle except for southwest. I feel sorry for the Ukraine people who once and again will suffer on behalf from someone else’s madness.

Oh, remember our weather? That too is bipolar? Now it’s heavy snowing. And I mean really, really heavy. Pouring from the sky making everything all white. It’s soon March but hey - better this late than never. I was supposed to walk with my old colleague tonight but he was forced to stay with his child in bed. Understandable. Sometimes you can, and sometimes I can’t. I told him that I hoped we will walk tomorrow instead.

I didn’t do much today. Wafted some Disney+. I did though had this headache all day. I’m not sure what it is, but it felt as I have spikes on every angle that just squeezed my head more and more. Now I’m so tired. And yes, that tiny 2,5 mg olanzapine do it’s work. It makes me tired, and if you were tired before you will be even more tired. What to do tomorrow? My Thaimassage! I really need it and to relax. If I can spend money on some silly things, then I can invest them in my health as well. And I recommend you, dear reader, to go to massage. If you have any Asian massage-centre in your county - especially Thai - please give them a shot. Because they know what to do and where to press on the limbs and muscles.

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Massage is wonderful, so healthy. Enjoy yours!

I have had a dull headache all day, too. Our strangely warm weather has suddenly turned quite cold. But...no rain, which we desperately need. There is snow about 150 miles east of my home.

The situation with Putin is terrible. We can only be patient, and hope that NATO prevails.

Dear reader, this week has gone way too fast. I had time to in Wednesday go for a bit of Thaimassage. They were very professional and knew that my right foot was bit in pain (I get unprovoked cramps every now and then). And yesterday I went to the gym - for the first time in ages. I did 3 sets 15 repetition per each set. For example one back-exercise 3x15, second and third exercise for the back. Then same thing with triceps. I know all this inside out - right from my head. Thing is to force yourself go to gym and actually BE there. Then, the most important after a workout: what you put in yourself.

If you want to go all the way, then forget about every empty calorie such as from junk food, potato chips, French fries and such. And eat good food with proteins. Lactose intolerant milk is also to recommend since it contains much more protein than regular one. For vegetarians there is milk done from oats. Little less proteins but it has a lot of fibres, which is extra good for your stomach.

Problem in my case was that due to my job-related problems, I was in a depression and literally cut everything off from me. I almost cut the plug here too. Since I was so down. But I didn’t. You know why? I founded that little motivation I needed from a dear friend. Just a talk - and that was it. I also realised that I can’t isolate myself and be forever in my pathetic bubble. There will always be problems and the thing is that I will learn myself how to handle them. And not that they handle me. Have trust in myself and follow my instincts. I was always clever, even as a little kid. Highly intelligent. First class grades, a “know-it-all.” No more worries, no more depression. Now it’s me, my real me again.

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Dear reader. My life is kind of a rollercoaster at the moment. I had a great break last week, but now I’m at it again. I love my students, even if many of them are highly energetic and takes a lot of your energy. Sometimes even drain it so after a working day, you won’t have any energy left for yourself at all. Energy so you could for example use to go to gym. On top of that: this class I recently got last year had new educator each and every TERM - not every year. Every term.

Paralleled with my personal problems at work (not with students, far from it, but some of my colleagues) I so follow entire situation in Ukraine as everyone else. And I know exactly how that war is since I experienced it myself. In Balkans. When then UN Secretary and the then European Economic Community (in 1993 EU) made something called “weapon embargo.” That means that the liberation army - in this case Army of Republic Bosnia and Herzegovina - had NOTHING. While enemy forces from Radovan Karadžić and Slobodan Milošević had everything. Can you imagine, the former Yugoslav People’s Army, who was at it’s peak second biggest “communist” army in the world with only USSR as the biggest? You have no idea what kind of weapons they had. And almost everything fell in Slobodan Milošević’s and Radovan Karadžić’s hands. While the Bosnian liberation army had an weapon embargo. People got literally slaughtered there. And I will pass all details, but in my book from the past, there are lot of bad chapters so to say - filled nothing but darkness. I used to live in total darkness too, when the Serbs in VRS (Army of Repulic Srpska) cut all lights in every house and apparent. When entire neighbourhood was in total darkness. All I had as a boy was an little candle.

To make all this story short: I was witness to things as a child of 8 year old that you probably not even seen in your own nightmares. And that there are parts there that I still cannot visit and I won’t visit - since I remember it all. It wouldn’t surprised me at all if this bipolar was in matter of fact heavy PTSD but hey - now it is as it is: “bipolar unspecified”.

I know some here have many questions about all this, but since my thread’s purpose was to give support, I won’t answer about those questions who are about me. And yes: I still have to process all this, as soon as I see any kind of war or conflict. Even a glimpse of it. Things that not even Zopiclone Pilum can erase. It’s permanent and it will be that till the day I die. Then, everything I ever remembered will flash through my head and I will be gone.

How you can process this stupid war that was started by a stupid man in Kremlin? By support some money, micro-funds or whatever to the victims in Ukraine. $10 or €10, via Red Cross and other help organisations. And try not to forget about those people in Afghanistan or in DR Congo too. Or in Syria. I read that the “US Doomsday Plane” was spotted near Nebraska this week. That plane, who can resist an nuclear attack. Have that in mind too and let’s all hope that Vladimir Putin will not start something both he and all innocent Russian people will regret. And the rest of us too.

So compared to all of this, dear reader, my problems are nothing considering what kind of problems that exist at the moment I send this text here. But problems are meant to be solved in one way or another - wisely. Don’t lose the faith and trust. Keep calm and keep cautious. And never give up.

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Thank you, Hexagon. I am grateful to you for what you have shared in your post. I fully agree that "bipolar disorder" may be a severe PTSD.

And I appreciate your advice. I will do my very best to keep following such excellent advice.

Dear reader. I am out of energy. Emptied. Drained. I’m trying to recharge myself but it’s on the edge of impossibility. I can’t work tomorrow at work like this. The spring has finally arrived here and that is my very vulnerability. I can try to describe it a bit. It is as if someone hits me with a spear in my head, then slowly rotate it. Then the brain gets some sort brain-freeze through my very eyes and not even my custom shades who were designed to eliminate all sunlight from any possible angle did helped me.

Despite that I had a walk. But I chose deliberately not sunny places, walked in shadows so to speak. Something I’ve learnt during my years of this disease. Hopefully weather will change and I can be outdoors longer periods. Sadly, all of this have negative impact on my sleep as well. On top of this I also have nightmares from my past in Balkans, thanks to Vladimir Putin’s invasion. And, I have a mess at my work with my boss and other people.

I will try to be more active here, dear reader. But when things gets heavy, I usually don’t feel to do anything except be in my couch and watch tv-shows. For a brief moment I imagine myself I’m not even here but somewhere else. That is how things are going with me at the moment. Really, really bad. My psychiatry nurse isn’t seeing me regularly too, I still wait for my psychiatry doctor (waited for two years now). If I hadn’t got my personal doctor from my health centre plus some few others there, I don’t really know how it would end. I’ll try to go with my friend and watch a movie with him at cinema. Read that the new Batman-movie got great critics, so I’ll give it a go.

Take care of you, dear reader. I’ll be soon here again and let you know how things are with me next time too.

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Good evening (or good day) dear reader. I’m still in a mess. I couldn’t go to work tomorrow. My head is hurting really bad, having paracetamol won’t help. I just hope it isn’t another Covid-19. But this are the risks you have to take when you work among people. I didn’t do much today, was mostly in bed. I am really tired, tired and exhausted. Glad that there are those streaming-services so I can watch some of my tv-series. Like Star Trek Discovery. Yes, I’m a sci-fi nerd too. I like both Star Wars and Star Trek, who are each good at their own thing. And I also like to watch tv-series like Billions. Weird mix but that’s the way it is.

There will be more and more sun now. So tomorrow I’ll go anyway out if I feel any better. And walk. I need the walking since it means a lot for me. Especially the forest. There I know I can relax, let go of any thought and just be. Right now I don’t know how I’ll sleep.

My head is hurting really bad. Like a migraine but much, much worse. I’m not sure when I will return to work, IF I even will return this week. My friend did called me so we will see also this new Batman-movie but in another town. He got some discount, so SOME positivity after all. Another funny news I’ve read today regarding the Batman-movie was from USA. More specifically, Texas. Someone brought a real bat - yes, a real bat (!) - inside the theatre and released the creature among all the audience (lol) during the movie. So they stopped entire movie and called for animal control. It was on some local news from Texas.

It’s kind of those goofy things that makes me smile. The bizarre humour, especially now when we have wars and madmen around us parallel with an pandemic. Perhaps some would say it was “dark humour”, but any comedian out there - even president Volodymyr Zelenskyy (who is an comedian) - would’ve laughed too at such bizarre happening. Perhaps even along with some jokes about bats, Batman and Wuhan.

Yes, we need to laugh. We need to have humour in this dark time we all live in now. Humour and laughter. People didn’t died from a bat and from a gun itself - they died because of the humans. Humans, with power and who wanted to play God. No animal would caused anyones death if it wasn’t for us humans and our experiments who never really respect Mother Nature at all. And if we don’t experiment on innocent animals, then we do on other humans. And if we want more, we start wars - which too is an experiment to see how much your force and military power can handle.

Well, this is for tonight dear reader. I will see if I can write every now and then. Just to say hello or let you know how I feel. I will also share things with you, like evening tea that I like to drink before the bed (it helps me relax). I won’t write any sadness anymore. More joy, more happiness. More goofy jokes or stories. Anything that will make someone’s day. See you around.

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Dear reader. I’m kind of in balance now. It’s better, but not 100%. I went to the massage today and got me an Buddhist massage. That is my therapy, since no one else can or have time to talk with me. No shrink, no nurse. No one. It was a nice massage. Interesting choice of oil too. It just came to all of my pores and entire body just sucked it all up through the skin. I can still feel that energy even now at almost midnight - after so many hours.

Then I went home and went on a long, long walk. Probably over 7 (American) miles. I needed that. It was sunny, but the sun (luckily) was low and was about to thank itself for today. I am still in a mess, I am trying to get me sleep and stop thinking that things will not sort out. And stop worrying me every night. I wish that all of wars and conflicts just ended. Everything. But you know why it will never end? Because of greed and constant drift for power. Power over few, that leads power of many.

That is why I think we are an cursed species. Not only did we (and still do) exterminate other species because we have that right, perhaps from God. Who knows. And we exterminate other humans too, other races, other cultures. Everything that isn’t ours. So did the Spaniards with the conquistadors, so did the romans before them. In the name of one God or - in romans case - Mars. Heck, even swedes were an colonial superpower under the Gustavus Adolphus The Great. Even after the king’s death Sweden had a slice of Germany, entire Finland and Baltics along with chunks of Norway. St Petersburg under Sweden’’s command too. A force that any nation feared.

But Sweden is today satisfied with those borders they have. Sweden left their all imperialistic dreams the day they lost Finland to Russia in 1809. And the last war - against Norway - was 1814. Sweden never got Finland back from Russia, who 1917 declared itself as independent from Russian Empire.

If we will ever learn from our history and our broken past? So many lives we destroyed? So many people we oppressed? So many homes destroyed? So many mass graves? No, dear reader. We will not. Until we don’t have any of us left to witness anything anymore. Until there are warheads and madmen who even can destroy nuclear power plants - if they feel like. Who target hospitals with children and women. We don’t deserve this planet and their resources, which were supposed to be for everyone. And we never will.

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Greetings, Hexagon! I love the study of history. History of the world, at all times and eras. Many years ago when I was in college sitting in a history class I had an epiphany. That was: People never change. We only live in cycles, like nature. Perhaps it is meant to be the way of all life.

Our time change occurs this week-end, so there will be more daylight hours. I do not look forward to it; I prefer longer darkness.

The bat in the movie theater is quite amusing!

At this time I am very angry with my government and with NATO because they will not restrict air space over Ukraine.

That is true. Perhaps it’s meant that way, that we never change. Power, greed and more power. I still believe - despite all odds - in hope. That there are still many who aren’t like this. We need to be more people with more humanity. We need to care about each other. Help each other. There are so many billionaires in this world who could easily end up all world hunger. And poverty. And diseases. But instead they make themselves even more richer and powerful than even some European countries.

But, there are also good people who make charities and will continue. We can’t forget about any of those people. And thank God that they exist.

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Hello dear reader. I was bit offline from here due to some difficulties IRL. Difficulties that made me bit ill, unfortunately. I rather pass the details, because I know people here also have problems too.

I’m also having nightmares due to all this. All kind of nightmares. I try not to watch more about the war in Ukraine, cause I don’t want to have any of those flashbacks back from my past. I go all day outdoors for long walks, sometimes even 9 miles. And I listen to the music that I love, mostly 1980s rock. That is how I try to boost my energy and focus on something else rather than my personal problems.

How I will come back from my depression and all this that happened to me IRL? I don’t know. I’ll visit my nurse on Wednesday, and hope that he have any positive news to give me some time with the shrink - or the with some curator. Because after this carousel, I will need a LOT of talking-time. Right now I’m taking one step at the time. Day by day. And have faith. Especially in myself.

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Hello there, Hex! How are you these days?