Bipolar check-in #61

So h overruled and I got my injection and got my meds. I redid my treatment plan found out I have a therapist that I've ever met. Apparently I did a no call no show at some point. I'm told I can make an appointment with them.

That was some walk! The whole have to pee for 2 hours of all of that would've done me in. !

I feel better except for my calves that are really bothering me so I’ve been on the couch relaxing today. I’ve been worried about getting the house straightened for my daughter’s visit tomorrow. A good friend reminded me that she’s coming to visit me and not the house. I will rest for the remainder of the day and hit it hard tomorrow. Hopefully.

It didn’t bother me a bit to cancel my therapy appointment. I’ve started dreading them. She nags and denigrates me, is not supportive and only wants to talk about my family. I have deep issues that will be with me until they are resolved and I’d rather focus on that. I’m just not sure how to let her go. The first 4 months were filled with phenomenal growth and then it just petered out and she changed…or I did. Maybe I’ve outgrown her. I’m still going strong with my first therapist.

I hope everyone has a peaceful evening.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I feel better except for my calves that are really bothering me so I’ve been on the couch relaxing today. I’ve been worried about getting the house straightened for my daughter’s visit tomorrow. A good friend reminded me that she’s coming to visit me and not the house. I will rest for the remainder of the day and hit it hard tomorrow. Hopefully. It didn’t bother me a bit to cancel my therapy appointment. I’ve started dreading them. She nags and denigrates me, is not supportive and only wants to talk about my family. I have deep issues that will be with me until they are resolved and I’d rather focus on that. I’m just not sure how to let her go. The first 4 months were filled with phenomenal growth and then it just petered out and she changed…or I did. Maybe I’ve outgrown her. I’m still going strong with my first therapist. I hope everyone has a peaceful evening.

A therapist who nags and denigrates you? Pfffft...no wonder you dread the session.

So I drove over to my therapist's office and when I checked in at the covid station one of the medical receptionists called to me that my therapist is not here today. That's the second Monday in a row. So I walked over to Behavioral Health to find out what was going on. My T's receptionist said "It's just the holiday season...things will be normal after the new year." Nah. My therapist consistently takes days off (especially Mondays) on very short notice (a few hours before the scheduled appt.). I'm tired of the whole therapy thing. Maybe I'm too old for it. I had six excellent years of therapy when I was in my 20's - 30's. I'll be 59 tomorrow. Meds I definitely need. But therapy - my patience has worn thin.

Thanks for letting me vent.

I'm sorry Beth.

I’ve never had a T who constantly called in. My last T was there always for over 10 years. In that time she also went to graduate school to get her Ph.d yet she never called in. I’d not have the patience to deal with a willowisp either. I’d either quit altogether or move on.

My therapy session this week is virtual. I'm not sure why but I am ok with virtual sessions every now and then because I am still just super happy to be regularly back in person.

But I'm hoping we can come up with a legit sleep, med, and food schedule.

I placed a walmart pickup order for the morning. I need to get to the other store though too. Theres 2 new, well kinda new flavors of Mountain Dew starting to roll out now. We have a few confirmed cases of omacron right where I live. I'm on guard but I'm not going to stop living my life. I am still checking out work places as well.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu I’ve never had a T who constantly called in. My last T was there always for over 10 years. In that time she also went to graduate school to get her Ph.d yet she never called in. I’d not have the patience to deal with a willowisp either. I’d either quit altogether or move on.

I was with the same psychologist for 6 years way back when; he never once called in. Not a single time. He had an annual 3 week vacation in August. That was it. My current therapist is out so much that it destroys the consistency of therapy. It's become absurd.

Beth, I’m sorry your therapist is so inconsiderate. If it were me I’d be screwing up the courage to quit this therapist altogether. I did that with my old pdoc when she consistently ran at least an hour behind in appointments. Once I had an appt scheduled for 9am and she didn’t even come in until 9:30! No call to say she’d be late and the receptionist didn’t even say she wasn’t there yet when I checked in. That was it for me!

Really only you can decide if you’ve reached the end of your therapy journey. I think plenty of people do get to a point where it’s just not useful anymore, and why keep paying for something that’s not even helping? If I couldn’t stay with my current therapist for some reason or another I’d be done with therapy. I don’t have the patience to tell my whole sorry tale to another person!

Never showered or got out of my pyjamas today. Not a good thing for me.
|Returning to work tomorrow after having the 24th and the 27th off
Not looking forward to it.
Cannot go to bed yet. I do not want to wake up to tomorrow

I feel…off, today. Very odd. I don’t know whether it’s because I’ve literally been reading for close to ten hours or what but I just don’t feel part of this world right now. Could definitely be the books, I mean you are sort of transported when you read, right?

But I don’t feel like I’m in the stories. It’s the weirdest thing but I feel like I’m my mom. Not even in a self loathing “this is what my mom would do get your butt up and be useful” sort of way. Like I’m ready to look in the mirror and see my mom’s face staring back at me. I do look just like her so it’s actually kind of true. But I don’t know why I feel like I’m living her life, not mine today. My life isn’t nearly as sad as hers (currently). But I feel completely dissociated. I don’t feel like I’m real, like RS is real, like I’m in my own house. Nothing feels as it should. It’s disturbing.

My mind is getting worse by the day, it seems. Since the breakdown in may I have become increasingly forgetful and less aware of time. It has hit a new low, gotten to the point where I can’t remember if I’ve even said something out loud or just meant to say it and never did. I can’t remember ANY appointments unless I immediately put them in my phone AND set an alert long enough ahead to allow me time to get to the appointment should I forget I even had it. I can’t remember to pay bills because I don’t know what date it is.

Part of it might be Covid, I’ve heard brain fog is a lasting effect. But it’s been going on way longer than just before I had Covid. Covid may have worsened it but it’s definitely not the cause.

It’s quite worrisome. Dementia does run in my family through my mother’s side, but I’m only 34. My mom though, she’s been saying for a couple of years now that she’s having the same type of brain fog and I’ve been worrying that maybe she’s starting to show signs even though even she is only 62. I have to wonder if mental illness and trauma plays a part. Funny that it should happen as soon as my brain finally lets me feel the full weight of what has happened in the past, and my mother’s life is just as traumatic as mine and she hasn’t received any treatment at all.

Well....I read my 80 pages of required reading and took a quiz (90%!) and initiated a discussion post. im ahead on homework on the first day of class!

How long is this class? My mom and sister are professors and teach 1-2 week classes sometimes. I can't imagine how hard it would be do all that work; it's certainly hard to grade it. The 4 week classes I had in the summer in grad school were intense enough.

Congratulations on a good start!

So good to see all of you here! I am having a real tough time of it. I just do not know what to do. But I am glad I am back again!

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 Beth, I’m sorry your therapist is so inconsiderate. If it were me I’d be screwing up the courage to quit this therapist altogether. I did that with my old pdoc when she consistently ran at least an hour behind in appointments. Once I had an appt scheduled for 9am and she didn’t even come in until 9:30! No call to say she’d be late and the receptionist didn’t even say she wasn’t there yet when I checked in. That was it for me! Really only you can decide if you’ve reached the end of your therapy journey. I think plenty of people do get to a point where it’s just not useful anymore, and why keep paying for something that’s not even helping? If I couldn’t stay with my current therapist for some reason or another I’d be done with therapy. I don’t have the patience to tell my whole sorry tale to another person!

Thank you wfc. Your post makes a lot of sense to me.

I'm so sorry you're not doing well lately. I've noticed that your posts are less and less "optimistic" than they used to be. Could it be meds?

I’m feeling like death on a stick again today but with added flu like symptoms. I hope it’s not Covid. Some of my family is not vaccinated although I am and I’ve had the booster so you’d think I wouldn’t feel so bad if I’m a break through case. I’d really like to see my daughter as much as possible before she leaves town but I’m going to have to break down and go to the doctor. Drat! I feel old, creaky and tired.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

I did something kinda dumb last night. But this is the best I've felt in days so I feel like it was worth it.



So because of all that I feel a lot better today mental health wise as I often do after I have a night like that. I got a lot of shopping done. I got some grocery shopping done and I also spent my Kohls gift card.

The pharmacy wont refill my geodon 20 because its too early. So I'm hoping the 25 lamictal gets me through these next few days. I do really need to figure out the 80 mil situation though. I wonder if the entire office is out since they arent returning my calls and they are usually good about that.

It’s a twelve day January term class! Death, dying and bereavement. It’s stressful already but will help when I’m doing my practicum to have this elective finished.

Yes, I do think that has at least something to do with it. I haven’t been on the proper dose of one of them for over a week. My incompetent pharmacy said they called to authorize a refill but never did, so I got ahold of my dr, and she refilled it but they won’t have it in stock until tomorrow. I wouldn’t be surprised if it takes even longer than that to get it though, they never seem in a rush to refill my meds. I HATE this pharmacy but my insurance won’t let me go anywhere else.

I’m wondering honestly if the depakote is just no longer working. I’ve been on it, same dose, for four years. Unfortunately if I go over 1000mg my hair starts to fall out.