Bipolar check-in #62

My therapist returned my email from 11AM yesterday at 8:30 this morning saying she had a cancellation at 9AM. Lol. Like I could have made it to the office in half an hour. By the time I got her email anyways it was 11 and I was fine. But if my transference T had done that I would have gotten paranoid and thought she had ulterior motives and that she didn't like me and didn't email me until the last minute on purpose. Current T is just a bit of a whack job to be honest and doesn't always think things out clearly. At least she offered me a spot for today.

My mom just told me all my medical bills and prescriptions for the year equaled to $3,900. I had 2 surgries that didn't cost me anything. Man do I have good insurance.

Mountaindewed, from my observations, you complain about your mom A LOT, too. I even once (maybe twice) recall you calling her "stupid", or the like. Something that shocked me, greatly, knowing how my mother would have responded if I had ever called her such a thing. Does she live in your house? Or do you live in hers?

You don't have to get so mad about it. I never complain to her face or in the house the way she does. Yesterday in the car I didn't say anything. I think the most I've said to her is nicely "you won't be happy until you get an iphone". My venting is always done in private where I feel safe that those around me wont judge me and will understand.

I'd never say any of that to her face. And theres a lot of talking she does about me with other family members.

You complain just as much about your husband as I do about my mom and it never bothers me.

I feel like you are coming at me for some other reason?

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist at 3 this afternoon. It's telehealth of course, since she's in New Mexico. For some reason I'm nervous about the appointment. She makes me feel nervous. I keep trying so hard to like the woman. I actually trust her for the most part; it's the liking part I find challenging. Anyway, I'll be okay once the appointment starts. A large part of my apprehension is the telehealth thing. It's very hard for me to get used to in my late 50's, haha.


I, at long last, received the leggings and shirt I ordered from Amazon. They delivered it to my neighbor! Pffft! I'm apartment 16, it was delivered to apt. 10. Anyway, the clothing I ordered is fairly warm. Now the weather is not cold, so.... But David assures me that in later February and throughout the spring we'll have chillier temperatures. I hope he's correct.

The kitties are well today; all in the bedroom having found sunny spots to stretch out in

Love and passionfruit macrons all around

I just bought some passionfruit macrons yesterday. They looked intruiging.

I'm glad you got your Amazon stuff. Mine didnt come until 7 last night and something else is out for delivery now but that has an actual time slot of when it will be delivered.

I've been meeting with my pdoc for 3.5 years and have still not warmed up to him. I sometimes visibly shake when I meet wirh him. He is super nice hes just intimidating. I wonder if it bothers him. He has asked me before if he makes me nervous.

Something funny, I am worried my collection jug is going to get full and I'll have to find something else but all I have is tupperware containers. So I said to my mom "whats that line from Jaws? "we're gonna need a bigger boat." The look on her face was so funny. I'll just ease off on the water though so that doesn't happen.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I just bought some passionfruit macrons yesterday. They looked intruiging. I'm glad you got your Amazon stuff. Mine didnt come until 7 last night and something else is out for delivery now but that has an actual time slot of when it will be delivered. I've been meeting with my pdoc for 3.5 years and have still not warmed up to him. I sometimes visibly shake when I meet wirh him. He is super nice hes just intimidating. I wonder if it bothers him. He has asked me before if he makes me nervous.

Let me know what you think of the macrons! I had seen them only in Paris, then I noticed that the nice bakery near to me sells them.

I'm sorry you still have that feeling with your pdoc. That's how I feel...like I'm shaking inside and dreading the appointment. I don't know...I've been dreading therapy appointments lately, too. I adore my T, I just am tired of the whole getting help for mental illness thing. And if the provider is intimidating, it's that much more difficult.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed Something funny, I am worried my collection jug is going to get full and I'll have to find something else but all I have is tupperware containers. So I said to my mom "whats that line from Jaws? "we're gonna need a bigger boat." The look on her face was so funny. I'll just ease off on the water though so that doesn't happen.

A bigger boat

I had to do the pee collection many years ago 'cause I kept having kidney infections. That jug was so big. The whole thing was a huge hassle, but when I turned in the jug and walked away it was all done and over. That was a relief.

They sell them at TJ Maxx. They come in a cardboard box so they are not the cold ones. They were $5 for 10 I think. TJ Maxx sells a variety of Macarons. Trader Joes sells vanilla and chocolate cold ones.

I like therapy now but before I moved I had to give myself a pep talk before clicking on the zoom link. I had to tell myself "dont act goofy. Pay attention. Remember stuff." Then I had to do some deep breathing and say this thing I heard in a cartoon that went "the waves come in, the waves go out." And I'd still get a stomach ache each session.

With her it was like the U2 song "with Or Without You."

It was ok and easy this morning. Until the jug started getting heavy. Now I have to put the jug on the floor and squat down and put it in that way and hope it works out. At this point I'm just trying to limit my fluids.

Steve and Cindy’s husband met with the Doctors this morning and it was decided that it was time for palliative care.

Cindy was taken off the ventilator and is being transferred to Hospice. They feel at most a couple days.

Our hearts are broken

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I’m so sorry Christina. my heart aches for Steve and you.

@~Christina:

Oh, Christina, i am so sorry. Especially since it's been such a rollercoaster of faint signs of improvements and set-backs. I know you were looking forward to having a buddy in your neighborhood. This is just beyond so sad. My heart goes out to you!

Still really depressed and i have been crying a lot. It's like everywhere I look or go I am reminded of my deceased wife. We were married 23 years and she was only 44 when she passed away last November. I feel so alone and lost and I let my health go downhill I have lost a little over 60 pounds since her death. The good thing is I have not smoked a cig since dec 18th and I have not smoked weed for about a month

Of course I support such a book!

My depression and anxiety were mild today. I got my dog outside so i observed my minimum obligation to her. We had privacy in the dog-park. It was overcast and grey with a breeze that kind of ruined the mild temp which just hovered at freezing. I also did a big cleaning chore which i am happy about. Still not able to tolerate any of my activities. Being bored is better than being irritated tho. Not much of a choice.

By this time tomorrow my dog and i should be home safe and sound from her nail trim. I booked our taxi today and it did not go smoothly but the operator seemed to clue in eventually that i was not asking for a taxi immediately, i was booking it for tomorrow. I feel it's best to book well in advance because not all drivers take dogs. I hate talking on the phone!

@otroo:

So sorry for your suffering! I hear the first year after the loss of a loved one is the hardest because you're going thru all the special occasions for the first time without them. My mom lost my dad at 50 and she found a grief support group very helpful, said it "saved" her. She eventually adjusted and came to enjoy a tame life and her independence and took up travelling. Grats on quitting the cigs, that is just huge! Good job! My mom died of COPD after a lifetime of smoking so i'm always happy to hear when someone quits. Good on ya for quitting weed, too, that's a complication nobody needs.

Pdoc just called. The phone said "private" and she's the only one who calls from a private number- so I was trying to answer it by swiping the green phone icon but it wouldn't answer after umpteen swipes - and then it did and it was pdoc. She said instead of my coming in tomorrow that she will call me at my scheduled time as she thinks she has covid. Fine with me! Things are going well lately anyway.

That's so sad. About 3 years ago, my best friend Ken was having a really hard time breathing when he showed up at a restaurant to meet me. It was like he'd been running but he hadn't of course.

Anyway, he went to the ER and they admitted him and he found out pretty quickly that he had stage 4 lung cancer. He was on a breathing machine somewhat like a CPAP but it wasn't one. He was put on comfort care after only a day or two then sent home to his sister's with hospice. I never saw him again.

Sorry to go on about my stuff under your post but it reminded me of Ken.

Yeah our church has a program called Celebrate Recovery and they have a small groups session after the big group. I went last week for the first time in a long time. I barley got out any words cause I was crying so hard when it was my time to share. It actually felt good to cry that hard. Oh and thank you for your concern.

Do you have a GriefShare group near you? It is faith-based although it says it is good for people who aren't interested in faith too. It's 13 weeks, one meeting per week and it really helped me last year when my family member died. it also has daily little devotionals that you can sign up for as emails on this link “A Season of Grief” daily emails - GriefShare . I found them helpful. They are very simple and that's all I could handle in the beginning. That also is the link to Griefshare itself if you want to know more about it. There is quite a lot of the Bible study that is about losing a spouse. I think it was fairly early on although I don't remember specifically.


I'm glad you were able to cry.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed They sell them at TJ Maxx. They come in a cardboard box so they are not the cold ones. They were $5 for 10 I think. TJ Maxx sells a variety of Macarons. Trader Joes sells vanilla and chocolate cold ones. I like therapy now but before I moved I had to give myself a pep talk before clicking on the zoom link. I had to tell myself "dont act goofy. Pay attention. Remember stuff." Then I had to do some deep breathing and say this thing I heard in a cartoon that went "the waves come in, the waves go out." And I'd still get a stomach ache each session. With her it was like the U2 song "with Or Without You."

$5 for 10 is incredible. Usually macrons are between $2 and $4 each.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina Steve and Cindy’s husband met with the Doctors this morning and it was decided that it was time for palliative care. Cindy was taken off the ventilator and is being transferred to Hospice. They feel at most a couple days. Our hearts are broken

My soul aches for you. And for Steve. And for her poor husband.

I am, with all my heart, sending you love, courage, and peace.

It looks like we do have a place here that is local. Thanks for that.

I hope it helps. It did me. You can go through it as often as you want. I had planned to go through again near the year anniversary/holidays (same time of year for me) but partially thanks to the first time by the time I intended to go again I was doing well enough I didn't need it. I still miss him every day but I learned a lot about coping with it healthily.

It is 1 year today since my sister-friend, Cindy, died. I have missed her so much all year. So much. Maybe the anniversary of her death has me stressed. I cannot seem to catch a deep breath (so to speak) and my chest hurts, but I believe that's due to stressing. In fact, I am making a conscious effort to breathe deeply and fully and calm myself down.

I will watch something on Netflix tonight.

My diabetic kitty, Sidney, and I are working to get her glucose level stabilized. It was quite good for many months, then she had a bad episode one night when her glucose dropped too low. Since then I've had to keep testing her blood level and re-adjusting her insulin. So far, she's just not stabilizing. It'll happen, but in the meantime it's a rough go for both she and I.

I had my pdoc appointment and it went pretty well. I do trust her judgment and I'm working hard to like her and feel more comfortable with her. She has prescribed Doxepin to help me fall asleep, instead of lying there for 90 minutes before I can sleep.

If anyone has any experience with Doxepin I'd like to hear it.

Love all around, with an extra dose going to Christina and her family.