Bipolar check-in #63

Just last fall, yeah it was rough.

Much love Bizi. Hope your doing well

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I think that the Bipolar population varies a lot also inside the different groups, I or II or Cyclothymia. Still there are people who are in the Bipolar NOS group. Bipolar NOS means that one has some Bipolar symptoms, but not enough to put the person in a certain category.

I am either in the Cychlothymic group or Bipolar NOS. I respond very well to antidepressants, but have to use cognitive methods together with relaxation exercises to cope with all degrees of hypomanic feelings. I have to admit that I am scared of using Tegretol or similar, afraid that the combo of antidepressants with these milder medications used for hypomania will not go well together.

We have discussed the topic many times in therapy (am not in therapy now) and we have come to the conclusion that I, for the time being, can have a so good a life as possible the way I am medicated. I am good at structuring my days, eat healthy and for the most of my weeks have a good sleep hygiene. If the hypomania becomes worse, well then we have to consider Tegretol again. (I use medications for physical diseases as well, so the combo has to be right for everything).

Don't think so much about if it is Bipolar or not. Just try to cope with every day as it comes and make plans for how to look out for "red flags" who are telling you that you need to inform somebody about your condition. Enjoy happiness when it is there and try to cope with "depressive days".

oh how awful!
on both measures.
bizi

I don't mean to be terrible to you, but please stop this. There shall be a last hour to close a therapy, but if you have had some sort of "not abrupt stop", therapy can have a slow end over some weeks or months.

Since he is not responding, that is a clear message about that "Soupe du jour, you are finished here. The therapy has ended." May be he has understood that you have fallen in love with him and that is why he does not answer you. May be he has problems himself. Stop this!

If you need a therapist find another one. If he really sent "love letters", that may be a crime ... If it is you who read more into his letters than professional kindness, you need to say STOP to yourself. You can google about how to grieve ...

I send my best wishes for you!

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Originally Posted by Pinny Well it’s 5am and I’m awake…. Could this be the beginning of the end of this depressive episode? I have terrible hypersomnia when I have depressive episodes but when I’m well I wake up early and go to bed early. I’m ever hopeful. I think I have done everything I can to help myself except go IP which is what my pdoc wanted. But I think we both knew I was not going to go IP. I have a terrible fear of being an IP and I don’t want it to happen ever again. Plus I have my dog who really helps me- what would the poor little lump do without me! he’s such a sweetheart but he’s so scared of everything! Well I had more night sweats and more bad dreams about Ukraine. It just must be awful to be there or trying to get out of there. I really appreciate everyone’s support and kindness on this forum, you’re so very lovely and I can’t thank you enough for being there for me!

I hope with all my heart and soul that your depression is lifting. I'm sorry about the anxiety dreams. I, too, have been dreaming about Ukraine...trying to get little children to safety. It's a horrible situation that is stressing everyone.

Your country trip sounds delightful

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Yes it is, especially in small towns. Here about 4 months ago a guy holed up in his apartment threatening suicide. The response was to send swat teams, for two days they surrounded him, in the end he was shot by the cops. Right now on the news is the closing of ten group homes. More disabled people displaced.

Awful, awful stuff.

I wish you a good weekend. Hope the celebration will feel good. May the meeting with your friend and her family be wonderful.

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoGo2 I thought 'vicar' was the English/American word for somebody placed in somebody's job while the one who "owns" the job is on sick leave. What is the correct word?

I think a vicar is a member of the hierarchy of the Catholic church. Is the medical person in place of your GP a nurse practitioner perhaps? Or, if the person in place of your GP is also a GP you could call that person a "stand-in" for your GP.

My pdoc increased my Trintellix to 30mg. The max is 20 but she says she has patients on higher doses so it's worth a try to see if I can eventually get off the Klonopin.

Last night I was really struggling with the idea of going off my testosterone. I was worried about getting a female body shape again. Also I felt like I wouldnt truly be transtioning without hormones. At the same time I knew my anxiety and moods would be a lot better plus mainly my blood work just is not good even at the small dose I am on. I was so conflicted I contacted my doctor this morning and asked if I would get fat redistribution mainly to my hips. He replied back almost instantly and said he can not guarantee but since I did have the surgery and I don't have estrogen in me anymore so the chances of me developing hips are slim. He told me to just try going without the testosterone for 3 months and if something comes up I can talk to him and we can discuss things.

So I guess that makes me feel better. The idea of getting rid of this crippling anxiety and mood swings is amazing. I just don't like the idea of my transtion being on hold for 3 months or the idea of any possible physical setbacks.

But anxiety wise things have been tough today. I've been limiting my caffeine but drinking sparkling water and I dont know if the brand I'm drinking has caffeine. I went to get my haircut and so did my mom and I was done before her and there were a few people waiting. A man came in and then a weekly emergency test alert came on the radio. The guy mentioned something about Putin and seemed alarmed. Then he sat down. Right as my mom was paying a lady came rushing in I assume his mom and started hugging him and talking about sirens and alerts and Russia and the man was in full panic attack mode and just hystrerical. I couldnt tell if he had PTSD and the test triggered him or maybe he has family in the Ukraine. I was wondering if maybe something really big had happened. But it was really sad seeing how distressed he was.

I am avoiding the news as much as I can. I have my trip Thursday and am coming back Saturday and then I have my sister and her family coming over Sunday and Monday and then after that I'll probably have a tough few days or week when the testosterone is getting out of my system. But after all that stuff is done I hope things start to calm down for me.

A few weeks ago my pdoc told me that I needed to take my PRN klonopin (PRN only gien during this breast cancer scare time) when I wasn't sleeping. So now even without taking it I'm so tired. Today and the last 2 days I didn't have a nap and now it's 5:15 and I just want to sleep. But if I do then I'll potentially have trouble falling asleep.


I really want to have the energy to change my sheets today. I need to. But it's one of those things that's ok if I don't do it; I just want to really badly. But without a nap I'm not sure I'm make it.


On the plus side we've walked our dogs the last 2 days and the day before went to my niece's play. So I'm getting out and that's what my therapist has really been pushing me to do. I think I've been out every day for nearly a week if I remember right as long as you count medical appointments as getting out.

I'm going to rest a while and hopefully not nap and maybe I'll be able to change those sheets and feel like I really made progress with at least one thing today.

(((((((( Rainbow ))))))))))

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Well there is no way Steve can drive the truck home. He said it likely will need a new engine. Guess I’ll have to sell a kidney or something ( kidding)

Cindy’s husband Joe is going to bring it up likely next Tuesday. So Steve won’t be home for another week.

I am absolutely anxiety ridden.

I see Richard tomorrow and I’m very grateful but I think all I will do is whine.

Hugs for anyone in need

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I'm seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow. I'm going to see if I can get her to increase the vraylar as the last 3 weeks or so have been very hard on me and the depression/anxiety levels have risen drastically. We'll see what she does.

Hi GoGo2. I do understand that your advice is right, and agree that it is best for me to cease correspondence with my old psychiatrist. I must say that you don't know the whole story to this, since you're new here and don't know me. This doctor I write about has not been my psychiatrist since May 2021. Before that, I had been having video sessions with him since March 2020 when there was a covid shutdown in my native New Jersey. I haven't seen him in person since then (two years). I moved to Europe in January 2021, which means I had video sessions with him from across the Atlantic Ocean for five months, until I found a psychiatrist and therapist in my new country. Prior to that, I went to him in person for ~14 years. I knew him even before that, as he was my psychiatrist during my first psychiatric hospitalization about 15 years ago. He's been with me for nearly my whole journey through the worst of my mental chaos. However, now he's almost just a memory. We haven't said goodbye. We may never have a proper closure. I likely won't see him again.

The "love letters" are perhaps not what you're thinking about, and yet they sort of are. There are no "I love you's" written directly. Only indirectly, and perhaps maybe only on my side, though he obviously cares a lot. He was surely a substitute for the parent(s) I no longer have. And a man of awe, to boot. I met him only 6 months after unexpectedly losing my mother to cancer.

I only have a couple close relationships in life. He was number 2 after my husband. It's not easy for me to truly love and trust, but when I do it is deeply. That doctor always listened to me and knew me only a bit less than my husband, when few others do at all. It's true that his caring maybe crossed a minor line, but was never blatantly inappropriate. Perhaps I seemed a daughter to him, or someone he yearned for in his life. Definitely my affection was a draw. No, not physical affection. The other kinds.

I have a new life abroad, barely speaking the local language, not understanding or fitting in the culture, no longer owning a home like I did or feeling anything here is "mine", feeling more disabled in various senses. Barely anyone to talk to besides my husband and people here at Mysupportforums.org, even though I love to communicate. Feeling a bit trapped and very impatient to truly start a new life. Wishing the pandemic was finally gone. Working hard as hell to maintain mental stability. I'm doing OK, considering, but often I just want to go home. Not even to my old home country. Just home, wherever that may be. Home. A place that learns to know me and for me to feel a part of.

There's been a slight change of plans due to the hip situation. I got my rx for the painkillers filled and I'm going to go back to my mom's where she will dish out one pill at a time and hold on to the rest locked up for me. My appointments are telehealth so I can still say I'm living here and have access to better resources. Maybe once I'm off the painkillers I'll come back but I can't trust myself and I can't trust my dad.

I had a harder time getting over my transference T then I did getting over my dads death and that made me feel bad. I tried contacting her twice and both times she did not reply But she replied when my mom emaiIed her. I know what you mean about not having closure. I also had to move and say goodbye through telehealth. I seem to have now made peace with things and have accepted them but it was not easy. I only worked with her for less then 2 years. I can not imagine what it would be like for you with having worked with him for so long.

It's the first of March, a brand new month! I had fun at my support group's ZOOM drop-in. Another woman my age (55) and i laughed about how we are dating ourselves when we make cultural references that the youngsters don't get. Otherwise it was a pretty grim day. I somewhat feel that and i'm living just by default now and life can suck it. I'm not alive by choice so life can go screw off.

@Soupe du jour:

What a beautifully written post. You are very lucky to have had such a caring relationship with a psychiatrist. I'm sorry you're feeling out of your element and longing for a home. It must be very disorienting. I'm here and have loads of time if you ever want to PM.

Hey @whatever2013, that reminds me somewhat (although it's of course also different) of the way I felt when my mother told me that I was a birth control failure. I'm a child not of her, but of just life's persistence. I wasn't supposed to be here. It was more freeing than disappointing.

But I don't think you're enjoying this feeling that you're describing--or are you, in a way?

Things could still be getting better, but just have hit a little dip. No harm in hoping... but also facing reality, that it's not necessarily going to be easy or quick. Yoga, mindfulness, exercise--good for everybody.