Bipolar check-in #63

A few weeks ago my pdoc told me that I needed to take my PRN klonopin (PRN only gien during this breast cancer scare time) when I wasn't sleeping. So now even without taking it I'm so tired. Today and the last 2 days I didn't have a nap and now it's 5:15 and I just want to sleep. But if I do then I'll potentially have trouble falling asleep.


I really want to have the energy to change my sheets today. I need to. But it's one of those things that's ok if I don't do it; I just want to really badly. But without a nap I'm not sure I'm make it.


On the plus side we've walked our dogs the last 2 days and the day before went to my niece's play. So I'm getting out and that's what my therapist has really been pushing me to do. I think I've been out every day for nearly a week if I remember right as long as you count medical appointments as getting out.

I'm going to rest a while and hopefully not nap and maybe I'll be able to change those sheets and feel like I really made progress with at least one thing today.

(((((((( Rainbow ))))))))))

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Well there is no way Steve can drive the truck home. He said it likely will need a new engine. Guess I’ll have to sell a kidney or something ( kidding)

Cindy’s husband Joe is going to bring it up likely next Tuesday. So Steve won’t be home for another week.

I am absolutely anxiety ridden.

I see Richard tomorrow and I’m very grateful but I think all I will do is whine.

Hugs for anyone in need

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I'm seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow. I'm going to see if I can get her to increase the vraylar as the last 3 weeks or so have been very hard on me and the depression/anxiety levels have risen drastically. We'll see what she does.

Hi GoGo2. I do understand that your advice is right, and agree that it is best for me to cease correspondence with my old psychiatrist. I must say that you don't know the whole story to this, since you're new here and don't know me. This doctor I write about has not been my psychiatrist since May 2021. Before that, I had been having video sessions with him since March 2020 when there was a covid shutdown in my native New Jersey. I haven't seen him in person since then (two years). I moved to Europe in January 2021, which means I had video sessions with him from across the Atlantic Ocean for five months, until I found a psychiatrist and therapist in my new country. Prior to that, I went to him in person for ~14 years. I knew him even before that, as he was my psychiatrist during my first psychiatric hospitalization about 15 years ago. He's been with me for nearly my whole journey through the worst of my mental chaos. However, now he's almost just a memory. We haven't said goodbye. We may never have a proper closure. I likely won't see him again.

The "love letters" are perhaps not what you're thinking about, and yet they sort of are. There are no "I love you's" written directly. Only indirectly, and perhaps maybe only on my side, though he obviously cares a lot. He was surely a substitute for the parent(s) I no longer have. And a man of awe, to boot. I met him only 6 months after unexpectedly losing my mother to cancer.

I only have a couple close relationships in life. He was number 2 after my husband. It's not easy for me to truly love and trust, but when I do it is deeply. That doctor always listened to me and knew me only a bit less than my husband, when few others do at all. It's true that his caring maybe crossed a minor line, but was never blatantly inappropriate. Perhaps I seemed a daughter to him, or someone he yearned for in his life. Definitely my affection was a draw. No, not physical affection. The other kinds.

I have a new life abroad, barely speaking the local language, not understanding or fitting in the culture, no longer owning a home like I did or feeling anything here is "mine", feeling more disabled in various senses. Barely anyone to talk to besides my husband and people here at Mysupportforums.org, even though I love to communicate. Feeling a bit trapped and very impatient to truly start a new life. Wishing the pandemic was finally gone. Working hard as hell to maintain mental stability. I'm doing OK, considering, but often I just want to go home. Not even to my old home country. Just home, wherever that may be. Home. A place that learns to know me and for me to feel a part of.

There's been a slight change of plans due to the hip situation. I got my rx for the painkillers filled and I'm going to go back to my mom's where she will dish out one pill at a time and hold on to the rest locked up for me. My appointments are telehealth so I can still say I'm living here and have access to better resources. Maybe once I'm off the painkillers I'll come back but I can't trust myself and I can't trust my dad.

I had a harder time getting over my transference T then I did getting over my dads death and that made me feel bad. I tried contacting her twice and both times she did not reply But she replied when my mom emaiIed her. I know what you mean about not having closure. I also had to move and say goodbye through telehealth. I seem to have now made peace with things and have accepted them but it was not easy. I only worked with her for less then 2 years. I can not imagine what it would be like for you with having worked with him for so long.

It's the first of March, a brand new month! I had fun at my support group's ZOOM drop-in. Another woman my age (55) and i laughed about how we are dating ourselves when we make cultural references that the youngsters don't get. Otherwise it was a pretty grim day. I somewhat feel that and i'm living just by default now and life can suck it. I'm not alive by choice so life can go screw off.

@Soupe du jour:

What a beautifully written post. You are very lucky to have had such a caring relationship with a psychiatrist. I'm sorry you're feeling out of your element and longing for a home. It must be very disorienting. I'm here and have loads of time if you ever want to PM.

Hey @whatever2013, that reminds me somewhat (although it's of course also different) of the way I felt when my mother told me that I was a birth control failure. I'm a child not of her, but of just life's persistence. I wasn't supposed to be here. It was more freeing than disappointing.

But I don't think you're enjoying this feeling that you're describing--or are you, in a way?

Things could still be getting better, but just have hit a little dip. No harm in hoping... but also facing reality, that it's not necessarily going to be easy or quick. Yoga, mindfulness, exercise--good for everybody.

@tentoedsloth:

There's very little that i am enjoying right now but it is sort of a relief to also not give a damn. I'm by not taking care of my physical health. I can't be bothered. If i hasten my death by ten or twenty years, alls the better.

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatever2013 @tentoedsloth: There's very little that i am enjoying right now but it is sort of a relief to also not give a damn. I'm Possible trigger: committing passive suicide by not taking care of my physical health. I can't be bothered. If i hasten my death by ten or twenty years, alls the better.

I'm sorry, Jane. I frequently feel exactly the same way.

Hi Soupe,

I've only had a few close relationships too. All of them are lost except one that's become distant, but still it's something, and then my autistic son, who's hard to communicate with but says he loves me and occasionally does things for me. Life. I really feel for the sense of isolation and not being home that you expressed so well.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed Last night I was really struggling with the idea of going off my testosterone. I was worried about getting a female body shape again. Also I felt like I wouldnt truly be transtioning without hormones. At the same time I knew my anxiety and moods would be a lot better plus mainly my blood work just is not good even at the small dose I am on. I was so conflicted I contacted my doctor this morning and asked if I would get fat redistribution mainly to my hips. He replied back almost instantly and said he can not guarantee but since I did have the surgery and I don't have estrogen in me anymore so the chances of me developing hips are slim. He told me to just try going without the testosterone for 3 months and if something comes up I can talk to him and we can discuss things. So I guess that makes me feel better. The idea of getting rid of this crippling anxiety and mood swings is amazing. I just don't like the idea of my transtion being on hold for 3 months or the idea of any possible physical setbacks. But anxiety wise things have been tough today. I've been limiting my caffeine but drinking sparkling water and I dont know if the brand I'm drinking has caffeine. I went to get my haircut and so did my mom and I was done before her and there were a few people waiting. A man came in and then a weekly emergency test alert came on the radio. The guy mentioned something about Putin and seemed alarmed. Then he sat down. Right as my mom was paying a lady came rushing in I assume his mom and started hugging him and talking about sirens and alerts and Russia and the man was in full panic attack mode and just hystrerical. I couldnt tell if he had PTSD and the test triggered him or maybe he has family in the Ukraine. I was wondering if maybe something really big had happened. But it was really sad seeing how distressed he was. I am avoiding the news as much as I can. I have my trip Thursday and am coming back Saturday and then I have my sister and her family coming over Sunday and Monday and then after that I'll probably have a tough few days or week when the testosterone is getting out of my system. But after all that stuff is done I hope things start to calm down for me.

It would be just my luck for world war 3 to break out while I'm getting my hair cut

Seriously, poor guy. I think everyone is ready to snap, between years of covid and now the war.

Anyway. Keeping yourself distracted and busy is a great idea.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina Well there is no way Steve can drive the truck home. He said it likely will need a new engine. Guess I’ll have to sell a kidney or something ( kidding) Cindy’s husband Joe is going to bring it up likely next Tuesday. So Steve won’t be home for another week. I am absolutely anxiety ridden. I see Richard tomorrow and I’m very grateful but I think all I will do is whine. Hugs for anyone in need Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Ohhh, sweetie. It's just too much I wish there was something I could do besides send a virtual (but very sincere) hug and love.

I agree--probably most of us are more on edge than we would have been, from this long pandemic. Can't even go to the grocery store without wondering if you're risking serious illness. I used to go somewhere every day and now it's once a week.

I am exhausted. I'm used to keeping my mental health safety pinned together, but if I don't get a good sleep tonight I fear for my physical health. Too much stress. Just too much. And this warm weather is difficult to put up with. Supposedly, Thursday is to bring cooler temperatures and there's slight talk of rain. I won't have my psych appointment until next Tuesday, and I need help. I need to pull myself together and do better than this. Me getting sick in any way will not help anyone.

@BethRags I don't know the details of your situation, but just wanted to report that I've lost a lot of sleep off and on for 20 years, sometimes zero sleep for several nights in a row, and it doesn't seem to have impacted my overall health much. Maybe it won't hurt you much.

I know you reduced your therapy visits. Would a visit help and could you get in sooner? Just the worry about your Sidney would be enough to make life feel pretty tough and not sleeping enough and soundly enough just feels horrible.

I think this is a great suggestion @BeyondtheRainbow for @BethRags

Im so sorry youre struggling. Im sending you lots of hugs Not sleeping is absolutely awful.

Well its 3am and Im awake, but not for long. Ill be back asleep soon, I just cant fall straight back asleep just now, Ill give it an hour at most I reckon.

Im so sorry to everyone who is struggling at the moment Youre all in my thoughts

Its such a difficult time for the world isnt it?

So Im definitely not over my depressive episode but Ive reflected and Ive still made a lot of progress. Im making plans for the summer which is really positive. I bought a pair of sparkly shoes that I thought about the fact I can wear when I go to see Elton John with my sister in the summer. It was a fleeting though but this means that Im planning on being here this summer.

I have an appointment with my pdoc at lunchtime so I can tell her that. I know Im still sleeping too much and I still feel on the low mood side, but nothing compared to how I was, so obviously things are still improving which is good.

My anxiety is pretty high, but thats not as important as getting through this depressive episode. I can deal with that later.

I think we all need to try and be a bit kinder with ourselves. Its so easy to forget the compassion that we show others should be reflected inwards too. I hope this reminds even just one person to show yourself some compassion

Sending lots of positive thoughts and hugs to everyone who needs them

Today has been a real rough day I kept envisioning my wife's face from the day she passed and I turned her over. Now when she passed in November I had nightmares of her face for a couple of weeks. My doc gave me some medications that was supposed to help me forget my dream but it messed with my stomach so I could not take them. I went to my Grief Share program tonight with my daughter I cried through most of it but I got through it. I'm really depressed today and it sucks. I am still waiting on the state to issue her death certificate I mean she passed away Nov.18th and I have nothing yet. I just want some closer in my life I'm not asking for much. I know I will be grieving for a long time and it is what it is. .my wife and I actually had a great relationship for the last 7 or 8 years we hardly even argued in all that time I mean sure we had little disagreement here and there but we actually got along great. We were married 23 years and she was only 44 when she passed away.

Before my wife passed away I had nightmares of home invasion and would wake up in the middle of the night yelling and I though we had people breaking into our house that lasted for like 10 years. Now when my wife would shower she almost always had music playing and if we showered together she had music going. Now if I was home alone I could not shower with the music playing cause I wanted to hear if someone was breaking into our house. I never had thoughts of home invasion any other times that I remember. Now when I shower I have to have music playing and I don't have a problem with it. Strange how thing work out .

The right word here will be "stand-in".

Hope you find out what is right for you in this situation.