Bipolar check-in #63

I have a new life abroad, barely speaking the local language, not understanding or fitting in the culture, no longer owning a home like I did or feeling anything here is "mine", feeling more disabled in various senses. Barely anyone to talk to besides my husband and people here at Mysupportforums.org, even though I love to communicate. Feeling a bit trapped and very impatient to truly start a new life. Wishing the pandemic was finally gone. Working hard as hell to maintain mental stability. I'm doing OK, considering, but often I just want to go home. Not even to my old home country. Just home, wherever that may be. Home. A place that learns to know me and for me to feel a part of.

I know you reduced your therapy visits. Would a visit help and could you get in sooner? Just the worry about your Sidney would be enough to make life feel pretty tough and not sleeping enough and soundly enough just feels horrible.

Last night I was really struggling with the idea of going off my testosterone. I was worried about getting a female body shape again. Also I felt like I wouldnt truly be transtioning without hormones. At the same time I knew my anxiety and moods would be a lot better plus mainly my blood work just is not good even at the small dose I am on. I was so conflicted I contacted my doctor this morning and asked if I would get fat redistribution mainly to my hips. He replied back almost instantly and said he can not guarantee but since I did have the surgery and I don't have estrogen in me anymore so the chances of me developing hips are slim. He told me to just try going without the testosterone for 3 months and if something comes up I can talk to him and we can discuss things.

So I guess that makes me feel better. The idea of getting rid of this crippling anxiety and mood swings is amazing. I just don't like the idea of my transtion being on hold for 3 months or the idea of any possible physical setbacks.

But anxiety wise things have been tough today. I've been limiting my caffeine but drinking sparkling water and I dont know if the brand I'm drinking has caffeine. I went to get my haircut and so did my mom and I was done before her and there were a few people waiting. A man came in and then a weekly emergency test alert came on the radio. The guy mentioned something about Putin and seemed alarmed. Then he sat down. Right as my mom was paying a lady came rushing in I assume his mom and started hugging him and talking about sirens and alerts and Russia and the man was in full panic attack mode and just hystrerical. I couldnt tell if he had PTSD and the test triggered him or maybe he has family in the Ukraine. I was wondering if maybe something really big had happened. But it was really sad seeing how distressed he was.

I am avoiding the news as much as I can. I have my trip Thursday and am coming back Saturday and then I have my sister and her family coming over Sunday and Monday and then after that I'll probably have a tough few days or week when the testosterone is getting out of my system. But after all that stuff is done I hope things start to calm down for me.

Well there is no way Steve can drive the truck home. He said it likely will need a new engine. Guess I’ll have to sell a kidney or something ( kidding)

Cindy’s husband Joe is going to bring it up likely next Tuesday. So Steve won’t be home for another week.

I am absolutely anxiety ridden.

I see Richard tomorrow and I’m very grateful but I think all I will do is whine.

Hugs for anyone in need

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Hi GoGo2. I do understand that your advice is right, and agree that it is best for me to cease correspondence with my old psychiatrist. I must say that you don't know the whole story to this, since you're new here and don't know me. This doctor I write about has not been my psychiatrist since May 2021. Before that, I had been having video sessions with him since March 2020 when there was a covid shutdown in my native New Jersey. I haven't seen him in person since then (two years). I moved to Europe in January 2021, which means I had video sessions with him from across the Atlantic Ocean for five months, until I found a psychiatrist and therapist in my new country. Prior to that, I went to him in person for ~14 years. I knew him even before that, as he was my psychiatrist during my first psychiatric hospitalization about 15 years ago. He's been with me for nearly my whole journey through the worst of my mental chaos. However, now he's almost just a memory. We haven't said goodbye. We may never have a proper closure. I likely won't see him again.

The "love letters" are perhaps not what you're thinking about, and yet they sort of are. There are no "I love you's" written directly. Only indirectly, and perhaps maybe only on my side, though he obviously cares a lot. He was surely a substitute for the parent(s) I no longer have. And a man of awe, to boot. I met him only 6 months after unexpectedly losing my mother to cancer.

I only have a couple close relationships in life. He was number 2 after my husband. It's not easy for me to truly love and trust, but when I do it is deeply. That doctor always listened to me and knew me only a bit less than my husband, when few others do at all. It's true that his caring maybe crossed a minor line, but was never blatantly inappropriate. Perhaps I seemed a daughter to him, or someone he yearned for in his life. Definitely my affection was a draw. No, not physical affection. The other kinds.

I have a new life abroad, barely speaking the local language, not understanding or fitting in the culture, no longer owning a home like I did or feeling anything here is "mine", feeling more disabled in various senses. Barely anyone to talk to besides my husband and people here at Mysupportforums.org, even though I love to communicate. Feeling a bit trapped and very impatient to truly start a new life. Wishing the pandemic was finally gone. Working hard as hell to maintain mental stability. I'm doing OK, considering, but often I just want to go home. Not even to my old home country. Just home, wherever that may be. Home. A place that learns to know me and for me to feel a part of.

Dear Sope du jour! You are right in that I don't know the whole story. On the other hand we know that some of the professionals are not professional enough with their patients. I think that I always will think of warning people against these "unprofessional professionals" because it can mean a lot of more suffering to those abused in some way or other by their therapist.

I meant no harm with my post.

May be you can think of this past therapist as some kind of a blessing that belongs to the past, something to be grateful for as a past experience. When I have some kind of problems that take too much of my time I set apart time and place to think about them. That helps me to not let my time be occupied with "things" that drags my mind off the current situation. May be that can work for you as well?

Years ago I had a female therapist that gave me a hug while saying: "My Child". I had never asked for a new mother. I walked out and never returned. All abuses in a therapist/patient relationship are not always about sex.

I see that in your life situation your life is limited. It is not good to feel that one does not belong. I don't know if it is appropriate to give you some advice, but I got the following thoughts when I read the last part of your post: Is there some kind of study (light) that you can participate in? A cook-study as an example, (people will be delighted to talk to you if you are in such a study to learn their national dishes). Can you participate in a language study (if your mental health is OK enough to learn such difficult stuff)? Do you have some kind of interest that you know that spending more time on may help you to feel better? Are you a member of a Church or some other kind of spirituality that you can visit more often? Is your health good enough to do voluntary work of some kind?

Can your husband invite some people he know to your home for a visit?

I hope your total situation will slowly become better and better!

My very best wishes for you and your situation!