Bipolar check-in #63

Well there is no way Steve can drive the truck home. He said it likely will need a new engine. Guess I’ll have to sell a kidney or something ( kidding)

Cindy’s husband Joe is going to bring it up likely next Tuesday. So Steve won’t be home for another week.

I am absolutely anxiety ridden.

I see Richard tomorrow and I’m very grateful but I think all I will do is whine.

Hugs for anyone in need

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Hi GoGo2. I do understand that your advice is right, and agree that it is best for me to cease correspondence with my old psychiatrist. I must say that you don't know the whole story to this, since you're new here and don't know me. This doctor I write about has not been my psychiatrist since May 2021. Before that, I had been having video sessions with him since March 2020 when there was a covid shutdown in my native New Jersey. I haven't seen him in person since then (two years). I moved to Europe in January 2021, which means I had video sessions with him from across the Atlantic Ocean for five months, until I found a psychiatrist and therapist in my new country. Prior to that, I went to him in person for ~14 years. I knew him even before that, as he was my psychiatrist during my first psychiatric hospitalization about 15 years ago. He's been with me for nearly my whole journey through the worst of my mental chaos. However, now he's almost just a memory. We haven't said goodbye. We may never have a proper closure. I likely won't see him again.

The "love letters" are perhaps not what you're thinking about, and yet they sort of are. There are no "I love you's" written directly. Only indirectly, and perhaps maybe only on my side, though he obviously cares a lot. He was surely a substitute for the parent(s) I no longer have. And a man of awe, to boot. I met him only 6 months after unexpectedly losing my mother to cancer.

I only have a couple close relationships in life. He was number 2 after my husband. It's not easy for me to truly love and trust, but when I do it is deeply. That doctor always listened to me and knew me only a bit less than my husband, when few others do at all. It's true that his caring maybe crossed a minor line, but was never blatantly inappropriate. Perhaps I seemed a daughter to him, or someone he yearned for in his life. Definitely my affection was a draw. No, not physical affection. The other kinds.

I have a new life abroad, barely speaking the local language, not understanding or fitting in the culture, no longer owning a home like I did or feeling anything here is "mine", feeling more disabled in various senses. Barely anyone to talk to besides my husband and people here at Mysupportforums.org, even though I love to communicate. Feeling a bit trapped and very impatient to truly start a new life. Wishing the pandemic was finally gone. Working hard as hell to maintain mental stability. I'm doing OK, considering, but often I just want to go home. Not even to my old home country. Just home, wherever that may be. Home. A place that learns to know me and for me to feel a part of.

Dear Sope du jour! You are right in that I don't know the whole story. On the other hand we know that some of the professionals are not professional enough with their patients. I think that I always will think of warning people against these "unprofessional professionals" because it can mean a lot of more suffering to those abused in some way or other by their therapist.

I meant no harm with my post.

May be you can think of this past therapist as some kind of a blessing that belongs to the past, something to be grateful for as a past experience. When I have some kind of problems that take too much of my time I set apart time and place to think about them. That helps me to not let my time be occupied with "things" that drags my mind off the current situation. May be that can work for you as well?

Years ago I had a female therapist that gave me a hug while saying: "My Child". I had never asked for a new mother. I walked out and never returned. All abuses in a therapist/patient relationship are not always about sex.

I see that in your life situation your life is limited. It is not good to feel that one does not belong. I don't know if it is appropriate to give you some advice, but I got the following thoughts when I read the last part of your post: Is there some kind of study (light) that you can participate in? A cook-study as an example, (people will be delighted to talk to you if you are in such a study to learn their national dishes). Can you participate in a language study (if your mental health is OK enough to learn such difficult stuff)? Do you have some kind of interest that you know that spending more time on may help you to feel better? Are you a member of a Church or some other kind of spirituality that you can visit more often? Is your health good enough to do voluntary work of some kind?

Can your husband invite some people he know to your home for a visit?

I hope your total situation will slowly become better and better!

My very best wishes for you and your situation!

*sigh* More changes -- my psychiatrist is giving me up. She's going to start working with Suboxone patients so I will have a new one starting next month. She says she takes good notes and I shouldn't have to "start over" really -- I should be able to pick back up right where I left off. We did decide to increase the Vraylar to help combat the depression. I explained it's both a mix of life events and just a general decline. My therapist told me to also mention she has noticed the difference in sessions as well. Next option if this doesnt work is to add an antidepressant to the mix. Here is to hoping for a good response...

I will not be into the forum tomorrow or may be not before after I have moved in a couple of weeks. I am depressed and unfocused and need all my strength to be able to focus on the packing.

I'm writing this because I know that when somebody is away for some time, others can start to worry about what has become of them.

I send my best wishes for the mental and physical health of all of you!

I jsut had an appointment with my psychiatrist and basically we came to the conclusion that Im not all better and I need to give it more time.... Im pretty upset.... but I know its true. I just keep wishing myself better but I cant even sit for a whole tv show without losing concentration yet. And my sleep is still bad, 14 hours ish.

I am however, better than I was. But when I really think about it, my dark thoughts are still with me and theyre still an option in the background. Which, I know theyre not when Im well.

I told her about the sweating and clamminess. She isnt going to change my meds again, just going to see how the next few weeks go.
She's worried that Ill go too high if we do anything else. That or serotonin syndrome she said.

So yeah, my reality is in fact that Im not well and I need to try and accept this and "give it more time".

We did discuss my work and she said that shes glad Im going to be reviewed by occupational health again before deciding when to go back. She doesnt think I should go back in 2 weeks after my review but Ill just take it one day at a time.

I hope you have all had a lovely sleep and I hope you have a wonderful day

*sigh* More changes -- my psychiatrist is giving me up. She's going to start working with Suboxone patients so I will have a new one starting next month. She says she takes good notes and I shouldn't have to "start over" really -- I should be able to pick back up right where I left off. We did decide to increase the Vraylar to help combat the depression. I explained it's both a mix of life events and just a general decline. My therapist told me to also mention she has noticed the difference in sessions as well. Next option if this doesnt work is to add an antidepressant to the mix. Here is to hoping for a good response...

@tentoedsloth:

There's very little that i am enjoying right now but it is sort of a relief to also not give a damn. I'm by not taking care of my physical health. I can't be bothered. If i hasten my death by ten or twenty years, alls the better.