Bipolar check-in #63

I had a change of psychiatrist just over a year ago and I was really worried, but thankfully it was absolutely fine and my ex psychiatrist wrote them a handover letter about me which was particularly helpful. I hope yours goes as smoothly!

I jsut had an appointment with my psychiatrist and basically we came to the conclusion that Im not all better and I need to give it more time.... Im pretty upset.... but I know its true. I just keep wishing myself better but I cant even sit for a whole tv show without losing concentration yet. And my sleep is still bad, 14 hours ish.

I am however, better than I was. But when I really think about it, my dark thoughts are still with me and theyre still an option in the background. Which, I know theyre not when Im well.

I told her about the sweating and clamminess. She isnt going to change my meds again, just going to see how the next few weeks go.
She's worried that Ill go too high if we do anything else. That or serotonin syndrome she said.

So yeah, my reality is in fact that Im not well and I need to try and accept this and "give it more time".

We did discuss my work and she said that shes glad Im going to be reviewed by occupational health again before deciding when to go back. She doesnt think I should go back in 2 weeks after my review but Ill just take it one day at a time.

I hope you have all had a lovely sleep and I hope you have a wonderful day

I will not be into the forum tomorrow or may be not before after I have moved in a couple of weeks. I am depressed and unfocused and need all my strength to be able to focus on the packing.

I'm writing this because I know that when somebody is away for some time, others can start to worry about what has become of them.

I send my best wishes for the mental and physical health of all of you!

@BethRags:

Thanks for your support. It meant so much to me i did a screen-grab of it and saved it to my hard-drive so i'll always have it.

All the best with your packing, GoGo2. I imagine it can be extra taxing to do when depressed. I'm hoping that when you get to your destination that you find some relief. We'll all be here when you are ready and able to check in again. All the best and hugs!

I'm sorry to read that you still need more time before any med changes (or other changes). Patience is a rough word for us with bipolar disorder. But often a necessary step. I'm glad that you will likely not be rushed into anything prematurely.

What a lousy time for such a change, WindsThatBlow. I'm sorry to read that you'll have to start almost anew with someone. The good notes are a blessing, I'd think. So many people with bipolar have to totally reintroduce themselves. That sucks. I know since I've been there.

I hope the extra Vraylar helps ease your depression. At least there is a game plan if it doesn't. Hugs

Sending you hugs, whatever2013! I know how hard it is to properly care for oneself when depressed. If you can, please do at least one kind thing each day, even if it is as small as putting face cream on your face. I mention this because it was a go-to for me, in the past.

I bet you look like a stylish lady with your short hair. So many ladies look cool with that look. Annie Lennox, Kristen Steward, and many others really rocked it!

Hubby is sleeping and I'm here. I had a good session with my therapist. I confess we mostly just have intellectual conversations with each other more than any therapy. But I enjoy them a lot. He says he does, too. I have so few people to talk to other than Hubby, so having someone else is a mood lifter. Another good thing is that my therapist is not a Czech, so he sort of knows what it's like to be from somewhere else. He's a Slovak, which to some may not seem foreign in Czechia, but that's not completely true. I've found Slovaks to be much friendlier and open. Czechs can be so darned stiff, sometimes.

Just a bit ago I signed up for an expat fair in the city I'm living in. It's in early April. Hubby's still sleeping. I only reserved one ticket since I'm 90% sure he wouldn't want to go. I'll go alone, unless he surprises me on this. @GoGo2, you motivated me to do more to meet people. Thanks!

I got my blood test done today. We got there shortly after 7 and It was crowded and I was worried about being deadnamed since they sometimes do at this lab. But they called me by my correct name and I got it done a little bit before 8. Then I had therapy and it went decently. She said the end of the world should be the least of my problems. We talked about going off the testosterone and my concerns about it. Then I brought up my transference T and I mentioned feeling like I had made peace with her and I had got rid of all the candy that I ate because it reminded me of her. Then right after that without thinking I said "what kind of candy do you like?" And she kinda snapped and said "you don't need to know that sir." And like I know right after I said it how it sounded but I was legit just trying to make conversation and I didn't mean to cross any boundaries. I told her that and at first she didn't believe me. But I guess she finally did believe me after I stressed it was basically just word vomit. Then she did bring up the needing strong boundaries issue, and I don't know. I guess being snapped at like that kinda bugged me. I went out grocery shopping afterwards and then got a hot dog and a diet Coke because I couldnt remember the last time I had an actual meal and I felt better after eating.

Edit: I cant tell if I'm going to have an anxiety attack or pass out from hunger. I've taken my valiums and I don't really feel hungry. My hormones are still in my system so its not that yet. I can take my other meds in an hour or so. The only food that sounds good is some M&Ms. I was going to have a salad for dinner.

I had some almond butter and I took some of my meds early. But I still feel just kinda mediocre.

I'm back at my mom's place. She's handling my pain meds--giving me one at a time and locking the bottle up in a secret place. I feel a lot better now, I can barely feel the pain. Might be TMI but I got my first period in 4 years. I'm actuaally kinda happy about it. Like, hey, I'm not pregnant and everything is functioning fine again. I think I didn't get it because I was underweight. Treated myself to a homemade pumpkin spice iced coffee and even put it in a fast food cup so it feels fancy like something I'd get from starbucks or dunks.

One of my addict friends here is going into rehab either today or tomorrow. I hope this means we can hang out and do normal things like go out to eat and watch Netflix together when she gets back. I feel like everyone I'm friends with here has a drug problem and I can't talk to them without being tempted to join them. That's partly the reason why I wanted to move to my dad's, I only know a select few guys that I worked with a few years back (these were the guys that I was hanging with when I broke my hip) and while we get into trouble it's all fun and games and no one's at risk of ODing.

I've been reading up on personality theories lately out of boredom since I can hardly move around. Now I know what it means when I say I'm an ESTP 7w6 sp/sx. Kinda. I feel like it's all ********, but like horoscopes it's fun.

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Originally Posted by GoGo2 I will not be into the forum tomorrow or may be not before after I have moved in a couple of weeks. I am depressed and unfocused and need all my strength to be able to focus on the packing. I'm writing this because I know that when somebody is away for some time, others can start to worry about what has become of them. I send my best wishes for the mental and physical health of all of you!

Thank you so much for the information. Yes, we would worry if you suddenly disappeared. If you do have the chance, please check in. Good luck with your move! I hope it goes smoothly.

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Originally Posted by whatever2013 @BethRags: Thanks for your support. It meant so much to me i did a screen-grab of it and saved it to my hard-drive so i'll always have it.

(((((HUGS))))) So glad I helped you.

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Originally Posted by Soupe du jour Hubby is sleeping and I'm here. I had a good session with my therapist. I confess we mostly just have intellectual conversations with each other more than any therapy. But I enjoy them a lot. He says he does, too. I have so few people to talk to other than Hubby, so having someone else is a mood lifter. Another good thing is that my therapist is not a Czech, so he sort of knows what it's like to be from somewhere else. He's a Slovak, which to some may not seem foreign in Czechia, but that's not completely true. I've found Slovaks to be much friendlier and open. Czechs can be so darned stiff, sometimes. Just a bit ago I signed up for an expat fair in the city I'm living in. It's in early April. Hubby's still sleeping. I only reserved one ticket since I'm 90% sure he wouldn't want to go. I'll go alone, unless he surprises me on this. @GoGo2, you motivated me to do more to meet people. Thanks!

Ooh, you'll have to let us know how the expat fair goes. Sounds intriguing.

As for your therapy...you know, I've cut back to seeing my T only once a month, mostly because we had come to a point of only "small talk" and light political discussion (she's extremely liberal), stuff like that. I thought it was kind-of meaningless. Interestingly, what I'm finding is that those sessions actually helped to de-stress me. I'm somewhat re-thinking my only once per month idea. It sounds like your sessions are healthy for you.

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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I got my blood test done today. We got there shortly after 7 and It was crowded and I was worried about being deadnamed since they sometimes do at this lab. But they called me by my correct name and I got it done a little bit before 8. Then I had therapy and it went decently. She said the end of the world should be the least of my problems. We talked about going off the testosterone and my concerns about it. Then I brought up my transference T and I mentioned feeling like I had made peace with her and I had got rid of all the candy that I ate because it reminded me of her. Then right after that without thinking I said "what kind of candy do you like?" And she kinda snapped and said "you don't need to know that sir." And like I know right after I said it how it sounded but I was legit just trying to make conversation and I didn't mean to cross any boundaries. I told her that and at first she didn't believe me. But I guess she finally did believe me after I stressed it was basically just word vomit. Then she did bring up the needing strong boundaries issue, and I don't know. I guess being snapped at like that kinda bugged me. I went out grocery shopping afterwards and then got a hot dog and a diet Coke because I couldnt remember the last time I had an actual meal and I felt better after eating. Edit: I cant tell if I'm going to have an anxiety attack or pass out from hunger. I've taken my valiums and I don't really feel hungry. My hormones are still in my system so its not that yet. I can take my other meds in an hour or so. The only food that sounds good is some M&Ms. I was going to have a salad for dinner. I had some almond butter and I took some of my meds early. But I still feel just kinda mediocre.

It must feel very validating and empowering to be addressed by your correct name, the name you have chosen for yourself. Kudos to them!

But being snapped at like that...WTH? Does she have candy issues, or what

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Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow I know you reduced your therapy visits. Would a visit help and could you get in sooner? Just the worry about your Sidney would be enough to make life feel pretty tough and not sleeping enough and soundly enough just feels horrible.

Thank you, and I agree. I'm seriously considering calling to see if my T has an appointment open Monday or Tuesday of next week. Actually - I AM going to call this afternoon. Maybe jumping to once a month is a bit optimistic.

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Originally Posted by otroo Today has been a real rough day I kept envisioning my wife's face from the day she passed and I turned her over. Now when she passed in November I had nightmares of her face for a couple of weeks. My doc gave me some medications that was supposed to help me forget my dream but it messed with my stomach so I could not take them. I went to my Grief Share program tonight with my daughter I cried through most of it but I got through it. I'm really depressed today and it sucks. I am still waiting on the state to issue her death certificate I mean she passed away Nov.18th and I have nothing yet. I just want some closer in my life I'm not asking for much. I know I will be grieving for a long time and it is what it is. .my wife and I actually had a great relationship for the last 7 or 8 years we hardly even argued in all that time I mean sure we had little disagreement here and there but we actually got along great. We were married 23 years and she was only 44 when she passed away.

I'm so sorry you're having an especially rough day. Do you think you're ready to apply at the car parts shop? IF you are feeling it, that job could help you.

Funny, my therapist really wants me to go down to twice a month because he thinks I'm doing well enough to handle it and I don't feel good about it so keep refusing. We need to switch therapists!

(I should say he was thinking that before breast issues and subsequent depression/severe anxiety. Probably not so much right now. But we'll go back to that eventually and I still am unlikely to agree yet).

I ate specfic candy because it reminded me of my old therapist. My old therapist didnt even eat this candy that I know of. I discovered it before the video sessions started in 2020 and It just reminded me of her and It was just how I coped with my grief over ending things with her. But my current T says this behavior is creepy. And she has used the words creepy and weird to describe me before. So she thinks if I know what candy she likes I'll go and buy the same kind. Which I mean that wasn't why I was asking the question, and so what if I did? But shes just been super careful about the stuff she tells me. I dont normally take it personally unless she reacts the way she did today.

But I mean dont other people do things because it reminds them of people they once knew or reminds them of certain times in their lifes? Isnt that just like nostalgia basically?

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Originally Posted by Pinny Well its 3am and Im awake, but not for long. Ill be back asleep soon, I just cant fall straight back asleep just now, Ill give it an hour at most I reckon. Im so sorry to everyone who is struggling at the moment Youre all in my thoughts Its such a difficult time for the world isnt it? So Im definitely not over my depressive episode but Ive reflected and Ive still made a lot of progress. Im making plans for the summer which is really positive. I bought a pair of sparkly shoes that I thought about the fact I can wear when I go to see Elton John with my sister in the summer. It was a fleeting though but this means that Im planning on being here this summer. I have an appointment with my pdoc at lunchtime so I can tell her that. I know Im still sleeping too much and I still feel on the low mood side, but nothing compared to how I was, so obviously things are still improving which is good. My anxiety is pretty high, but thats not as important as getting through this depressive episode. I can deal with that later. I think we all need to try and be a bit kinder with ourselves. Its so easy to forget the compassion that we show others should be reflected inwards too. I hope this reminds even just one person to show yourself some compassion Sending lots of positive thoughts and hugs to everyone who needs them

AHHHHH!!!!! You're seeing Elton John?!?! You will so enjoy the show! I saw him way back in 1976 (I was 14); he was AMAZING.