Bipolar check-in #63

I wonder if my current T is concerned I replaced my transference T with her. Which I didn't.

My ZOOM group today was unusually quiet. Even tho i find my experience of my ZOOM groups uneven, sometimes fun, sometimes tedious, it's still healthy for me to go and have an event in my day and a little tame social contact. Another one of our three smart young men called me by name, which i liked. My name is not Jane, it's something unusual and some people have trouble pronouncing it or spelling it, so i am always pleased when someone gets it right and uses it matter-of-factly. I like being Jane here tho, for privacy and because it's such an archetype, the complete opposite of my own obscure name.

@Soupe du jour:


Thanks for reminding me of how cool Annie Lennox and Kristen Stewart's short hair is! I am in good company!

@BethRags:


Glad you had a good night's sleep and today went better. Today was better for me also. We are in sync!

@otroo:


Delighted to hear about your fun motorbike ride and happy you were able to escape your sadness over your wife for the first time! Progress!

I jsut had an appointment with my psychiatrist and basically we came to the conclusion that Im not all better and I need to give it more time.... Im pretty upset.... but I know its true. I just keep wishing myself better but I cant even sit for a whole tv show without losing concentration yet. And my sleep is still bad, 14 hours ish.

I am however, better than I was.
(Lots of stuff cut out.)

I hope you have all had a lovely sleep and I hope you have a wonderful day

I ate specfic candy because it reminded me of my old therapist. My old therapist didnt even eat this candy that I know of. I discovered it before the video sessions started in 2020 and It just reminded me of her and It was just how I coped with my grief over ending things with her. But my current T says this behavior is creepy. And she has used the words creepy and weird to describe me before. So she thinks if I know what candy she likes I'll go and buy the same kind. Which I mean that wasn't why I was asking the question, and so what if I did? But shes just been super careful about the stuff she tells me. I dont normally take it personally unless she reacts the way she did today.

But I mean dont other people do things because it reminds them of people they once knew or reminds them of certain times in their lifes? Isnt that just like nostalgia basically?

Similar problems here; it's what helped me believe I have bipolar instead of "just" anxiety and depression. (That and obsessions that almost completely go away when I take lamotrigine/Lamictal. )

What I do when untreated is to sleep well one night, and then the second night, not a minute of sleep. All the sleep hygiene in the world does nothing. Sometimes I'm not sleepy at all, other times I'm tired but just can't sleep. After that extemely long night and the following extremely horrid day, I sleep well. Next night, zero again.

My research into this weird pattern said that it was a sign of bipolar. (I had already had the diagnosis, after about 10 years of wandering around trying everything. I just didn't believe it.. I thought I had never been hypomanic, but now I've thought of some things that might have been. Another story.)

I tried Ambien in the past and it sure did knock me out but it has drawbacks for me. Remeron/mirtazapine was and is better for me. It's most effective at first (and, they say, at a low dose) but it still has a mild sedative effect when it's lost the knockout effect.

I'm seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow. I'm going to see if I can get her to increase the vraylar as the last 3 weeks or so have been very hard on me and the depression/anxiety levels have risen drastically. We'll see what she does.

That was my initial thought. She's probably worried if you guys chit chat about that kinda stuff you might get attached similar to your old T.

I'm kind of jealous of you all that benefit from therapy. I tried it for years and I did not get anything from it. My problem is I have trust issues so I was never able to really open up. I have thought about trying again but I don't know. I did do a a inpatient Cognitive Behavior therapy after I got out of inpatient years ago and it was funny I was in it for 3 months Monday through Friday 8 hours a day. When I got done I thought it was a waste of my time a and figured I would never use it. Well about 6 or so months afterwards I actually caught myself actually using it lol.

My depression is a little bit better today. Which is the first time I've been able to say that in a while. Woke up fairly normally for me (about an hour later than usual). I went to the deli up the road to pick up some things (and I went by myself instead of waiting for my mom to want to go) and then I got the trash from my mom's house and mine (we share trash service) down to the road. And I even made pasta for dinner. No nap. I'm probably up too far today as I'm not tired and recently I've been quite tired or sometimes asleep by now. But I usually have mixed episodes so it wouldn't surprise anyone who treats me if depression morphs.


For now one day at a time. Actually today was more 1 hour at a time. I just hope it is the beginning of improvement for real.

Saw Richard today and had a huge panic attack. Good place to have one I suppose. He understands all the panic and fear Im hip deep in right now.

We started working on my catastrophe thinking because that’s a huge problem. So we talked about ways to try and lessen it . It will never go totally away of course but it’s something that is really hard for me at this level.

As of right now Steve is heading home next Tuesday. I hope that doesn’t wind up being longer.

*** just wanted to let everyone know that since I use Tapatalk on here that I don’t have the ability to give hugs so I click Thanks***

Hugs my friends

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