Bipolar check-in #64

Ohhh, grrrrrr I was half asleep and did not pay attention to my emails. I received a notice that my aqua class on on, I pressed it thinking I was confirmed but instead it was to opt out. I right away signed back in but was #10 on a wait list. So no aqua class for me today! Still have fitness at 11:30. Then I signed up for next week and was number 4, the class was full already!

We had hail yesterday and the day before! More hail than I've seen in years!

I got back in touch with my bf. We have plans Thursday. I told him I'm on meds for mental health problems and he's understanding.

I need to get myself on the neuropsych evaluation waiting list at the clinic. My last therapist was 100% certain I had ADHD and while I disagreed with her on many things that was one thing I believe she had right. I don't think I can do long-term sobriety without treating it, but I have a feeling the waitlist is even longer here than where I was previously (and that was over two years!)

I slept pretty good last night. 10mil of melatonin won't do though. I need 20. My anxiety was like uncontrollable unable to sit still kinda anxious when I woke up. so I figured I needed to add caffeine back in. So I had a Pepsi around 5:30. I watched excatly one minute of the news before freaking out and turning it off. Then I got a matcha iced latte around 8 and then about half an hour ago I got a mountain dew from the gas station. Now the crawl out of my skin panicky anxiety is gone along with all the physical symptoms I was having. I just have a bit of too much caffeine related anxiety now that hopefully resolves itself as the day goes on. I went to the library and got 2 of the few older Stephen King books I haven't read and 2 other fiction books. I'm hoping reading takes my mind off everything. Although I'm not sure Stephen King was the best choice to help my anxiety.

But Stephen King is fiction. Now, if you'd taken out "Real Killers of [Your Town]" then I would for sure think it could keep you up. There are books out there like this- even about the town I live in.

Today it is 70 and sunny. It's supposed to rain later though. I walked from home to Starbucks- about a half hour walk. That means a half hour back and I'll have gotten in an hour of exercise today. I had been talking with Caleb on the couch at home with the fan blowing on me and thought to myself- I said "Self, you are just watching TV lately. Now get up and do something!". So here I am at Starbucks drinking ice water and reading a book.

Speaking of Starbucks, I ran into Peter yesterday while I was here. We talked for about an hour. He's okay to talk with at Starbucks but when we've tried to go other places it gets weird. I ghosted him because he was getting weird months ago and I have no doubt that given a chance he will again. He says he doesn't want to ever get married again and I'm glad because then he won't get any delusions about his and my "relationship". Like I said, I'd be happy just to run into him by chance like yesterday and catch up and that's it. He wants to take me out for dinner at this new fancy restaurant. Anyway, I haven't heard from him since I left Starbucks yesterday and that's fine with me.

To be honest I find true crime a lot less scarier then fiction for some reason. I know other people feel the same way and there are a lot of memes and stuff on facebook about it.

Talked to the fitness instructor. Tai chi starts second week of May. I’m going to join that too. Then I’ll have aqua fit and fitness class M-W-F and tai chi T-Th. It’s not so much to lose weight as it is to get fit and tone up. I’m really glad I started with aqua class though. I was tense and un flexible from sitting around so long during covid. My mood definitely got better with activity too. It’s a plus that they are so great with my deafness. Doesn’t bother them at all. They just make sure to face me, it’s not always possible in fitness class but they do a great job. I’m really looking forward to it.

Way to go- 5 times a week!

I think my meds have just plain crapped out on me today but the only things I've eaten was a serving of Goldfish crackers and 2 jelly munchkin donuts. The rest of my calories came from sodas, an iced latte, and a Slim Fast. I was going to have a couple eggs for dinner. I haven't been eating too well lately and its starting to affect me I think. I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin again with this anxiety. I haven't seen my therapist in person in 2 weeks and I'm not sure how happy she'll be at my recent loss weight loss or my eating habits. I hope she can help me figure out whats going on. Because its like I want to lose weight but then theres also the freaking out over certain foods thing I have going on and not being able to feel hunger sometimes. I've turned down going out to eat with my family twice recently which is very unlike me. I just claimed I wasn't feeling good when in reality I didn't feel like eating in front of people and eating a lot of calories. I weigh myself about 6 times a day. I know this is turning into a problem which is why I am hoping my therapist is legit meeting in person this week so she fully evaulate the issue.

My therapist talks a lot about Body Activation techniques. Essentially, doing something (taking a shower, going for a walk etc.) that forces you up and to move in some way and that is supposed to really help with mood. It doesnt have to be a fitness routine or workout, but I think doing the fitness classes takes that a step up and definitely adds to the boost you'd probably get from it! Just wanted to share that there is some science behind movement and emotional well-being. You're inspiring me to try to be a bit more active and tone up too!

Awesome plan ! Sounds like a nice mix to get active and tone up

Gravy !! I’m with you I love the potatoes and carrots best !

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Beth??!! How was new provider ??

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My sister and I don't really have that type of relationship where I would feel comfortable asking her. But my mom did bring up a good point that when the baby is born the 6 and 8 year old will be at school all day so my sister and brother in law can adjust with the baby and then spend time with the kids when they get home from school. My sister has never been the most patient person but they will make it work.

Ooo just ran to the library cause my book was in. They were giving away paint by step by step kits for those 18 and older! How fun! It Wilber from charlotte’s web. It’s a spring time activity. So fun!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Ooo just ran to the library cause my book was in. They were giving away paint by step by step kits for those 18 and older! How fun! It Wilber from charlotte’s web. It’s a spring time activity. So fun!

That IS such fun! Enjoy it! I still have my copy of Charlotte's Web...my book is now 51 years old.

Great news! I went to the new mental health clinic and it's pleasant, the receptionists are friendly, the clinic does excellent health checks - weight, blood pressure, pulse, urinalysis, and full blood labs, including vitamin checks. I met my new provider. He's a P.A. and could not have been kinder! A complete opposite of that whacko pdoc. He easily agreed to increase the Gabapentin to 1,800mg./day (split into 3 doses). I told him I'd like to stop the Lamictal, just to find out where I am without it. He listened well and took it into consideration for the near future. AND the clinic is only 2 miles from my apartment, in a nice area. No telehealth, no creepy clinic in an ugly cement place that's mostly abandoned storefronts.

My therapist is still at the old clinic, though. I'm supposed to be seeing her twice a month, but she's out so often that it's been more like once a month. The new clinic has therapy available, but I'm not interested in changing at this point. As for medical care, the old clinic is okay...I would like a GP that I feel good about, unlike my current GP. So I'll be looking into a new health care place before long.

I want to sincerely thank those of you who have been so supportive and encouraging while I've gone through this. You truly gave me courage today. And optimism. And hope.

Ooo Beth I’m so glad to hear that! Yay! For a better pdoc! Congratulations on sticking with it and finding a better fit.

This is so WONDERFUL to hear! Congratulations!

Thank you! I forgot to mention that the new provider is also a musician with some notoriety around here. He's absolutely so handsome....tall with thick, black wavy hair. But he's only about 40, lol. He seems like a sensitive person.

Today was up and down, so not too bad. I was happy when i tried washing my hair at the kitchen sink and it worked out fine so i'm not chained to the shower anymore. I also had a nice time outside playing with a Beagle puppy -- so cute! My second attempt at my annual blood test did not go well tho. There was over a two hour wait again so i didn't stay. But then i happened upon a restaurant with a favorite meal so i went in on a whim and had it. So nice to have the freedom to do such things. I got some meds tho there was a bit of a fuss which tried my patience but i just told myself to stay calm and it was for the best as they finally found it and i was on my way still on good terms with the staff. I tested my blood pressure for the first time in six months and it was not bad which is a relief as i've been worried about all the inertia sending it skyrocketing. I saw a neighbor at the mall and true to my new policy i did not stop and chat. I skipped my ZOOM social hour too. Since i got home i've been flattened by boredom tho but trying to be grateful for the good moments today.

I still feel mildly depressed, but life goes on, i just have to live with it. It's not a barrel of laughs but i have many blessings.