Bipolar check-in #64

A wonderful feeling! Thanks for posting Halliebeth

[QUOTE=whatever2013;7200385]It was windy here in Ontario too but not treacherous. I had a quiet day with my dog. We played tug with an old sock. She's so strong and determined! Did some stinkin' thinkin' about how messy my life has been. I am eager for the end. Thankfully i am 55 with most of my life behind me. I wouldn't want to be young again with all that misery and desperation ahead. I'm so ashamed of myself and ashamed of my life, so dysfunctional i can't even participate in the workforce. My mom lived to 70 and unfortunately my doctor says he can tell from my cholesterol profile that i have her longevity genes rather than my dad's heart disease genes as he died at 54. I've already outlived him. But i have my dad's personality dysfunction genes so maybe it won't be much longer. I'm neglecting my health so that should help speed things along too.

Dear Jane,
You are still young and have many years ahead of you.I think checking out a new better anti depressant is a good idea.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

Ugh! I'm so tired and feeling not so great about something else. It's 6 pm Eastern US time and I'm in NJ after a long flight. We got up at 5:15 am in Germany (what was 11:15 pm in NJ) and didn't get any sleep since. I'm showered with teeth brushed and in bed at our Airbnb.

I tried calling my sister to finally tell her I've arrived, but she answered in distress, saying she had to hang up as she was in the hospital. She called back just a few minutes later to tell me that my nephew (her eldest and only living son) is in the psych hospital and was briefly last week, too. I won't say much more, because I know little more and am distressed. Not just at the fact, but my sister's disturbing reaction.

@BethRags:

The moment for an antidepressant may be upon me as i am thinking of methods. It's Easter Saturday evening tho, so there will be a wait.

@bizi and @Fuzzybear:

Thanks for your concern.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I'm wondering if I am really just having severe stress and anxiety over the war. My physical issues seemed to start around the time the war started. The loss of appeite and weight loss. Then it was a few days later when my pdoc couldn't gurantee me it wasn't the end of the world and my symptoms seemed to escalate quickly after that. Then I did have the whole high blood level scare and procedure which could have rattled me as well. I'm just getting more and more scared as the war goes on and I seem to be able to tolerate saltine crackers and soda and thats it now. I have another migraine and I'm trying to drink some more water and I have an ice pack. I do have a couple doctors appointment and my therapy session next week. I see my blood doctor on Monday and then I have blood work and I am worried the level is already high again. I think its possible though I could be mainly just very scared over the war and discouraged by the lack of reassurance I'm getting about it from my support team.

I hear you. I'm scared about the war, too. What's happening is horrifying and although I hate, hate war I can't stand the thought of NATO countries (obviously, primarily the U.S.) allowing the vicious inhumanity and genocide to continue without intervening. I know we're giving tons of money and weapons, but clearly that's not enough. And I'll be honest, I don't believe that "not watching the news" is an effective way to cope. The fact is, the horror is occurring. I DO believe in taking breaks from the news...watching a movie or reading a book or whatever. But we can't ignore the reality of what's going on by turning off the TV or not reading about the war online.

Do I think the world will end? No, I don't. I really don't. The world doesn't end so easily. My hope is that Putler will be assassinated. But whatever happens, I believe that he's in waaay over his head. His "great" army sucks, let's face it. I just think we need to step up and put and end to this thing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour Ugh! I'm so tired and feeling not so great about something else. It's 6 pm Eastern US time and I'm in NJ after a long flight. We got up at 5:15 am in Germany (what was 11:15 pm in NJ) and didn't get any sleep since. I'm showered with teeth brushed and in bed at our Airbnb. I tried calling my sister to finally tell her I've arrived, but she answered in distress, saying she had to hang up as she was in the hospital. She called back just a few minutes later to tell me that my nephew (her eldest and only living son) is in the psych hospital and was briefly last week, too. I won't say much more, because I know little more and am distressed. Not just at the fact, but my sister's disturbing reaction.

Oh, my God. I'm so glad you had a safe (if very tiring) flight - but to come so far and arrive to such bad news and to your sister's reaction...I am very sorry to hear it. I'm thinking of you, Soupe. Please let us know how you're doing when you can.

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatever2013 @BethRags: The moment for an antidepressant may be upon me as i am thinking of methods. It's Easter Saturday evening tho, so there will be a wait. @bizi and @Fuzzybear: Thanks for your concern.

The thing is, I understand your feeling. Today I was sitting in my parked car, listening to a song. I looked up at the sky and the clouds were so strange and beautiful. At that moment I felt like I could...and even wanted to...just float away into the peace of non-existence. It would feel so good, like a deep rest after a very, very tiring day.

The thing is...what causes that feeling is deep, cutting emotional pain and, often, physical depression. And depression, as we all know, tells us crazy stories and lies to us.

I'm truly worrying about you. Frankly put, what I'm hearing is that you are suicidal. Please Jane, will you take steps starting Monday to reach out and secure help?

I obviously woke up early given my time adjustment. Soon after our early breakfast in our Airbnb apartment, I saw a WhatsApp message from my sister. Apparently soon after she returned home last night from the psych hospital where my nephew is again, my brother asked her to take him to the ER because he felt very sick. The initial guess is that he may have an issue with his gallbladder, but it's not certain. He will be kept at the hospital at least until tomorrow. My poor family members are having a rough time of it. Even my brother-in-law is in bed sick. Tonight it will just be my sister, our dad, and Hubby and me at an Easter celebration -- one I even offered for my sister to skip, if she wanted. But she refused. We won't tell Dad more than he needs to know today. As we don't know our brother's situation well enough, no need scaring him that much. As for my nephew, I'll leave it to my sister to decide what (if anything) to mention to Dad. Nephew is safe, at the moment. With the other stuff, I think it best not to have Dad experience any unneeded added crises. Dad's an incredibly sensitive soul. Plus, I want my visit with him to be a positive as possible.

On a MUCH lighter note, I've already treated myself to something I had been missing. Oatmeal raisin cookies. I tried making them twice in Czech Republic with Czech flour(s) and both times they were failures. The ones I bought last night from Whole Foods bakery were delicious and perfect. What a treat! Oh, the simple pleasures of life!

People can’t 100% reassure you. Nobody knows what Putin will do. I doubt he even knows. But right now it is not the end of the world unless you live in Ukraine. Other countries could very well be attacked in the future but there’s no point getting yourself so worked up about it that you can’t eat. You live in the US. For now you are safe. Take comfort in that. There have been many wars and countries invaded in the past and the world hasn’t ended. I think that’s all the reassurance available right now.

@whatever2013
I agree, concern is warranted. I know the feeling of just waiting to die. Interestingly, and rather stupidly I must say, that is why I started smoking at 19. I figured maybe I’d eventually get lung cancer and die sooner rather than later. An awful thought now, and disrespectful to anyone who actually has died of any type of cancer. And when I didn’t want to die anymore (which will happen for you), I couldn’t stop of course. I’ve been cigarette free for 2 years but still vaping nicotine and can’t give it up.

Anyway sorry for the tangent about my own life. I do believe you need help ASAP so please, do call your pdoc tomorrow morning.

@BethRags

Ah! Progressive muscle relaxation! Forgot all about that one! That might help. I’ve just been staying up too late and I don’t like it. It messes with my mood.

Oh soupe, what a homecoming! May the rest of the day go well.

Didn’t sleep well of course. But I’m up. Going to shower then get the beans in by 10:30 so we can drive over. May the snow not come today. It’s predicted for late afternoon early pm.

I'm not doing too bad today mentally or physically. I took my meds as scheduled which meant a geodon in the AM. That was at 2 and then I got back to sleep until right before 6. I ate a couple crackers with the geodon which may have helped. I don't normally eat with it even though I know thats a med you need to eat with. Around 8 I ate a jelly donut and a small matcha iced latte without any issue. My mom is at church right now with my sister and her family and then theres an egg hunt at the church and then later they will come over for dinner. Right now I'm just watching hulu in the family room and enjoying the peace and quite before things get chaotic.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour I obviously woke up early given my time adjustment. Soon after our early breakfast in our Airbnb apartment, I saw a WhatsApp message from my sister. Apparently soon after she returned home last night from the psych hospital where my nephew is again, my brother asked her to take him to the ER because he felt very sick. The initial guess is that he may have an issue with his gallbladder, but it's not certain. He will be kept at the hospital at least until tomorrow. My poor family members are having a rough time of it. Even my brother-in-law is in bed sick. Tonight it will just be my sister, our dad, and Hubby and me at an Easter celebration -- one I even offered for my sister to skip, if she wanted. But she refused. We won't tell Dad more than he needs to know today. As we don't know our brother's situation well enough, no need scaring him that much. As for my nephew, I'll leave it to my sister to decide what (if anything) to mention to Dad. Nephew is safe, at the moment. With the other stuff, I think it best not to have Dad experience any unneeded added crises. Dad's an incredibly sensitive soul. Plus, I want my visit with him to be a positive as possible. On a MUCH lighter note, I've already treated myself to something I had been missing. Oatmeal raisin cookies. I tried making them twice in Czech Republic with Czech flour(s) and both times they were failures. The ones I bought last night from Whole Foods bakery were delicious and perfect. What a treat! Oh, the simple pleasures of life!

Whew! You flew right into an emotional hornet's nest, my dear! Nevertheless, I wish you a happy Easter celebration.

Oatmeal raisin cookies sounds delicious!

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Originally Posted by Nammu Didn’t sleep well of course. But I’m up. Going to shower then get the beans in by 10:30 so we can drive over. May the snow not come today. It’s predicted for late afternoon early pm.

Happy Easter, Nammu!

Snow!? You're still having snow...my goodness. I hope spring "springs" soon for you

My sister is unable to keep her 13 year old cat Maybelle anymore, so I decided to take her to live with me. So Miss Mustachio (my 6 month old cat) is getting a big sister soon! she is a beautiful sweet tortie cat. My sister was looking for a home for her and I couldn't let her get taken by anyone else, I wanted her to stay within the family if possible so I'm getting her, and I am very excited, here's a pic of her

Happy Easter

You’ll have two beautiful queens ruling your house soon. 😃 good for you. Blue bird 🐦
🐈*⬛ 🐈

Your new cat reminds me of N1's cat- all black with yellow eyes.

I did find a pair of acceptable pants ! I have lost weight so They fit again so thankful ! Shoes… oooaf ! I do have a pair that should go ok. They are a lightest brown wedge that I think I can still walk in lol ever since I have started falling often I’ve had trouble wearing anything with a heel. I’ll try them out before then.

Yes a Mennonite wedding ! I’m not sure if it’s something like ours. I’m very curious tho lol

Hope your having a nice day hun! Hugs

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I'm having a hard time this afternoon. It feels more mental health today. I've been thinking about this incident that happened when I was 14 and its been bugging me and also I'm worried I'm going to be sent IP because of my eating habits which seem to be getting worse. I just had a meltdown because my mom couldn't gurantee me dinner would be ready on time. We discussed this for a few days how she always plans holiday dinners being ready at a certain time and how they never are. They are always a couple hours later then planned. She promised this time dinner would be ready early. So when I asked again she said "around" and I kinda freaked out because I knew this would happen. But I guess my therapist would say if I know its going to happen because it always does and its never any different I just need to accept it and not get upset over it. Or something along that. But yeah now I kinda understand how the whole reassurance thing is not very good since it can sometimes lead to false promises. But this eating issue combined with OCD is not very good and I hope my therapist can help me. It does seem to be more of an anxiety issue then a physical issue. At least today.

I’ve hit a bit of Verbal constipation as I call the inability to really respond in a way that would make sense to you all.

I hope everyone is enjoying their Easter in whatever way they celebrate

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Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina I did find a pair of acceptable pants ! I have lost weight so They fit again so thankful ! Shoes… oooaf ! I do have a pair that should go ok. They are a lightest brown wedge that I think I can still walk in lol ever since I have started falling often I’ve had trouble wearing anything with a heel. I’ll try them out before then. Yes a Mennonite wedding ! I’m not sure if it’s something like ours. I’m very curious tho lol Hope your having a nice day hun! Hugs Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Oh, good - the shoes sound really cute. Wedges are so in style now. Yeah, you'll have to let us know what a Mennonite wedding is like!

Happy Easter, sweetpea

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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 @BethRags Ah! Progressive muscle relaxation! Forgot all about that one! That might help. I’ve just been staying up too late and I don’t like it. It messes with my mood.

I so hope you'll find it helpful. I first learned PMR in a birthing class when I was pregnant with my first child. Wow, it felt so good.