Bipolar check-in # 66

Here's a new thread. I'll link on the old one and ask that it be closed.

I don't want to scare anyone, but I have felt terrible all day long, have had suicial thoughts even when I visited a church. I feel like I have used up all solutions ...

GoGo - I’m concerned about you. Can you contact your therapist or med provider or a crisis line? I care about you and I’m here for you. Please keep posting as you are able. Really concerned.

So angry right now I could spit nails. I don’t want to blow up at the person I’m angry and disappointed with so I’m typing it out here. I don’t get angry often but when I do, I have to work hard to be diplomatic.

I still have a lot to do to get ready for vacation. I’m working on it today.

I hope everybody has a peaceful day. Hugs to all.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 GoGo - I’m concerned about you. Can you contact your therapist or med provider or a crisis line? I care about you and I’m here for you. Please keep posting as you are able. Really concerned.

^^^ Exactly what Jennifer has posted. Is there someone you can contact? And in the meanwhile, keep posting here.

Do check in with your team.

Do call your pdoc and/or therapist's office. There is always 911, too. I agree: 741741 is a good idea too. (This post has been edited.)

Definitely reach out! I know there’s a text crisis line now, 741741. You just text “home” to that number and it will connect. If it gets really bad PLEASE go to the ER, as much as you may not want to. Your life is worth more than you feel it is right now.

How are you feeling now? I've felt the same way. My username sums it up.

I’m just sitting at the Mayo Clinic with mum. She’s having her first injection in her eye today. When I called to make the appointment they said 1pm. Then they sent paperwork to mum and said 12:40. I suspect it’s still 1pm and we’re just going to sit here for 20 minutes

I went out for the day. Just to run errands at some other stores a few towns away. I figured it would take my mind off things. The ride up was a bit tough on my neck but it was ok. I found some cheese I can normally only get in my old state. Then I got some cases of soda for a really good price. My mom and I stopped for burgers at a small burger chain resturant. I ordered a double cheeseburger plain. We ordered to go and ate in the car in the parking lot. I realized mine had stuff on it. I could tell the guy was having trouble understanding me but I still figured he got " a double cheeseburger with just cheese" when he said "only cheese?" And I said "yeah" it wasn't a big deal, the mayo just was on the bottom bun and then the condiments and garnish were on top so all I had to do was just take the bottom bun off and the garnish and I was still able to eat the burger and top bun. Anyways I'm home and I'm worn out but at least I've been distracted today and I didn't have much anxiety shopping. My appointments tommorow and Saturday are both AM luckily so there shouldn't be too much day of anticipatory anxiety.

So I wrote a portal message to my gyn and got a response from someone else asking me if I wanted to go to the "VH".; I wrote back and asked what that is! Ugh. This is getting to be freaking complicated!! FWB is sending me videos titled "How to lower your cancer risk down to zero"! That after I ate a donut for breakfast... I just got a response- VH is an abbreviation for the new women's hospital where they perform leep procedures. I asked if I would be put to sleep if I go to VH. No response yet.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 So I wrote a portal message to my gyn and got a response from someone else asking me if I wanted to go to the "VH".; I wrote back and asked what that is! Ugh. This is getting to be freaking complicated!! FWB is sending me videos titled "How to lower your cancer risk down to zero"! That after I ate a donut for breakfast... I just got a response- VH is an abbreviation for the new women's hospital where they perform leep procedures. I asked if I would be put to sleep if I go to VH. No response yet.

I can well understand why you feel confused! I've done a bit of reading about the procedure you have had, and the leep procedure. It sounds to me like you have some cells that are not cancerous, but are abnormal and could become cancerous if not removed.

It doesn't seem like you especially need to be asleep during the procedure....it certainly doesn't sound like fun, but apparently some women feel a slight "pinch" when the lidocaine is injected, whereas some don't feel anything, and the leep takes 10 minutes or even less.

I have asked to be asleep- btw my Dr said half of her patients want to be asleep and half don't- because one part of the colposcopy was very painful. I don't even know that it was when they were taking samples- I just know it hurt a lot- my whole reproductive system just cramped up really hard! I figure the leep is more invasive- cutting out a bigger chunk of my cervix- so I'm fine with going under in this case. Ten minutes on the one hand seems silly for all the prep of going under but not if it's going to be as painful or more so than the colposcopy was. I dunno- maybe I'm being a big baby but she did say it's half and half going under vs not, so....

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 I have asked to be asleep- btw my Dr said half of her patients want to be asleep and half don't- because one part of the colposcopy was very painful. I don't even know that it was when they were taking samples- I just know it hurt a lot- my whole reproductive system just cramped up really hard! I figure the leep is more invasive- cutting out a bigger chunk of my cervix- so I'm fine with going under in this case. Ten minutes on the one hand seems silly for all the prep of going under but not if it's going to be as painful or more so than the colposcopy was. I dunno- maybe I'm being a big baby but she did say it's half and half going under vs not, so....

Noooo....you are NOT being a big baby! I have noticed that some women are internally more sensitive than others. My daughter has always had a miserable time with pelvics, so did my mom. Pain and cramping. For me, pelvics have never been uncomfortable.

A few years ago I had to have a uterine biopsy and was briefly in a menopause support group; most of the women said that uterine biopsies are agonizingly painful. They really had a rough time. When I had mine I felt a moment of "pinch"...it didn't feel like a party, but it was not what I'd call painful. Every body is different. Also, every practitioner is different. Some are rougher than others.

If you feel comfortable with being asleep, that's absolutely the way to do it, I believe.

Thanks for this!

Unlike the weather, which suddenly got cloudy and cooled way down (thank the Universe) - I am burning.

So I called the clinic to make an appointment for a routine pap smear. The receptionist says, "Did anyone tell you that Mary will be out next week?" Uh, no...no one bothered to call and tell me and I'm pretty sure that, as usual, it would be Tuesday morning (because Monday's a holiday) when I would be informed. Lucky for me that I happened to call today.

So that was an annoyance, but really, I am angry at this point. I mean, if this was a rare one-time thing with Mary being out sick it would be understandable. But this is not at all uncommon. Over the past 3 years she has been out like this anywhere from one session to 3 months. The average is 3 weeks. Generally, I'll have between 5 and 9 sessions with her, then she's out sick - and always, without exception, on day-before or same-day notice.

She's 71 and I know she loves her job. I know she doesn't want to retire. But there comes a point, ya know? There comes a point at which clients are somewhere between being disappointed and being downright traumatized by her absences. There comes a time at which Mary is being really, truly selfish to keep letting clients down. It would be more understandable if it was a case of "Mary is on leave and will return *X* day." And that happens as planned. But this is the usual with her. "Mary will be back next week." "Hmm, well, looks like Mary's still sick, so it'll be another week." And so on.

I spoke with her very frankly about this once before when she disappeared for weeks. I told her that her behavior was selfish, that even though she doesn't want to retire, if her health demands it, perhaps she should retire. I came very close at that time to quitting therapy with her.

I have an appointment with Dr. B. on Tuesday. I miss Mary terribly, but honestly, this feels like abuse. Mary is not respecting my life, time, needs, boundaries.

*sigh* I'm angry. And I'm hurt. I mean, damn. She could shoot me a short email and let me know she's thinking of me and hopes to be well soon. Something. A tidbit.

Thanks for listening. Love to each of you.

The dr thinks I have arthritis in my wrist just chalk it up to being old at 35 I guess! I’m not sure I agree tbh but maybe? He told me to try heat and/or ice, voltaren gel, and plain old Advil. Well I guess it couldn’t hurt. I also have to get an X-ray just to rule out a fracture but that’s nearly impossible, I didn’t fall or anything. I mean unless I hit it in the middle of the night woozy from sedating meds. Doubtful.

I had a major panic attack in group today. I got stuck in a loop thinking about what if RS HAD yelled at me, the fact that he would even feel like it means he’s unsafe, etc etc etc. basically flashed back to when my ex husband was blowing up at me every other day. So it quickly escalated into paranoia. All my grounding skills flew right out of my head! But I remembered one and latched on to that, then I remembered to give senses, and I wrote out safety statements just over and over again. Took about a half hour but I successfully brought myself back to reality. Very big accomplishment!

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 The dr thinks I have arthritis in my wrist just chalk it up to being old at 35 I guess! I’m not sure I agree tbh but maybe? He told me to try heat and/or ice, voltaren gel, and plain old Advil. Well I guess it couldn’t hurt. I also have to get an X-ray just to rule out a fracture but that’s nearly impossible, I didn’t fall or anything. I mean unless I hit it in the middle of the night woozy from sedating meds. Doubtful. I had a major panic attack in group today. I got stuck in a loop thinking about what if RS HAD yelled at me, the fact that he would even feel like it means he’s unsafe, etc etc etc. basically flashed back to when my ex husband was blowing up at me every other day. So it quickly escalated into paranoia. All my grounding skills flew right out of my head! But I remembered one and latched on to that, then I remembered to give senses, and I wrote out safety statements just over and over again. Took about a half hour but I successfully brought myself back to reality. Very big accomplishment!

Arthritis at 35? Hmm, I'm not sure I agree, either.

It is so hard during a triggering situation to recall grounding skills (at least, it is for me). Good for you for doing the work and succeeding!

@wildflowerchild25, did they even consider carpal tunnel? I developed that and one of the symptoms is sometimes wrist pain. Do you at all recall any repetitive stress to your wrist? Or even sleeping on it the wrong way? I sometimes have. Nowadays I wear wrist braces to bed and am used to them. Without, my left wrist hurts right now . Without I even wakeup with numb hands. In any case, I hope it's not arthritis or anything else permanent.