Bipolar check-in # 66

Here's a new thread. I'll link on the old one and ask that it be closed.

I don't want to scare anyone, but I have felt terrible all day long, have had suicial thoughts even when I visited a church. I feel like I have used up all solutions ...

GoGo - I’m concerned about you. Can you contact your therapist or med provider or a crisis line? I care about you and I’m here for you. Please keep posting as you are able. Really concerned.

So angry right now I could spit nails. I don’t want to blow up at the person I’m angry and disappointed with so I’m typing it out here. I don’t get angry often but when I do, I have to work hard to be diplomatic.

I still have a lot to do to get ready for vacation. I’m working on it today.

I hope everybody has a peaceful day. Hugs to all.

Do check in with your team.

I’m just sitting at the Mayo Clinic with mum. She’s having her first injection in her eye today. When I called to make the appointment they said 1pm. Then they sent paperwork to mum and said 12:40. I suspect it’s still 1pm and we’re just going to sit here for 20 minutes

I went out for the day. Just to run errands at some other stores a few towns away. I figured it would take my mind off things. The ride up was a bit tough on my neck but it was ok. I found some cheese I can normally only get in my old state. Then I got some cases of soda for a really good price. My mom and I stopped for burgers at a small burger chain resturant. I ordered a double cheeseburger plain. We ordered to go and ate in the car in the parking lot. I realized mine had stuff on it. I could tell the guy was having trouble understanding me but I still figured he got " a double cheeseburger with just cheese" when he said "only cheese?" And I said "yeah" it wasn't a big deal, the mayo just was on the bottom bun and then the condiments and garnish were on top so all I had to do was just take the bottom bun off and the garnish and I was still able to eat the burger and top bun. Anyways I'm home and I'm worn out but at least I've been distracted today and I didn't have much anxiety shopping. My appointments tommorow and Saturday are both AM luckily so there shouldn't be too much day of anticipatory anxiety.

Do call your pdoc and/or therapist's office. There is always 911, too. I agree: 741741 is a good idea too. (This post has been edited.)

Definitely reach out! I know there’s a text crisis line now, 741741. You just text “home” to that number and it will connect. If it gets really bad PLEASE go to the ER, as much as you may not want to. Your life is worth more than you feel it is right now.

So I wrote a portal message to my gyn and got a response from someone else asking me if I wanted to go to the "VH".; I wrote back and asked what that is! Ugh. This is getting to be freaking complicated!! FWB is sending me videos titled "How to lower your cancer risk down to zero"! That after I ate a donut for breakfast... I just got a response- VH is an abbreviation for the new women's hospital where they perform leep procedures. I asked if I would be put to sleep if I go to VH. No response yet.

The dr thinks I have arthritis in my wrist just chalk it up to being old at 35 I guess! I’m not sure I agree tbh but maybe? He told me to try heat and/or ice, voltaren gel, and plain old Advil. Well I guess it couldn’t hurt. I also have to get an X-ray just to rule out a fracture but that’s nearly impossible, I didn’t fall or anything. I mean unless I hit it in the middle of the night woozy from sedating meds. Doubtful.

I had a major panic attack in group today. I got stuck in a loop thinking about what if RS HAD yelled at me, the fact that he would even feel like it means he’s unsafe, etc etc etc. basically flashed back to when my ex husband was blowing up at me every other day. So it quickly escalated into paranoia. All my grounding skills flew right out of my head! But I remembered one and latched on to that, then I remembered to give senses, and I wrote out safety statements just over and over again. Took about a half hour but I successfully brought myself back to reality. Very big accomplishment!

To all: Thank you for your concern! It is the old life. I feel alone. I thought I had more friends then I really have, but of course I have some. There are very few who know that I am depressed. Those who know do not understand how serious it can be to be depressed. It is a none topic. I always has to be strong and hide because I feel that that is what is expected of me. It is also a family thing. It is like my brother and I have grown in different directions. I feel that we don't know each other any more. I am not sure how to go on with life. My therapist and I have agreed to end therapy in a few weeks. I don't have the money to buy a lot of sessions. When I was young I threw myself into education and had plans. How do we plan life when we are already pensioned and some of the best friends one had is already dead? How do one get new friends in old life?

I have the local number to emergency here. I will use it if I really need it. I do think about how sad my son and grandchildren will feel if I am not here. As long as that thought is there, I will probably fight as much as I can to not act on these thoughts.

Thanks again!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 GoGo - I’m concerned about you. Can you contact your therapist or med provider or a crisis line? I care about you and I’m here for you. Please keep posting as you are able. Really concerned.

^^^ Exactly what Jennifer has posted. Is there someone you can contact? And in the meanwhile, keep posting here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 So I wrote a portal message to my gyn and got a response from someone else asking me if I wanted to go to the "VH".; I wrote back and asked what that is! Ugh. This is getting to be freaking complicated!! FWB is sending me videos titled "How to lower your cancer risk down to zero"! That after I ate a donut for breakfast... I just got a response- VH is an abbreviation for the new women's hospital where they perform leep procedures. I asked if I would be put to sleep if I go to VH. No response yet.

I can well understand why you feel confused! I've done a bit of reading about the procedure you have had, and the leep procedure. It sounds to me like you have some cells that are not cancerous, but are abnormal and could become cancerous if not removed.

It doesn't seem like you especially need to be asleep during the procedure....it certainly doesn't sound like fun, but apparently some women feel a slight "pinch" when the lidocaine is injected, whereas some don't feel anything, and the leep takes 10 minutes or even less.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 The dr thinks I have arthritis in my wrist just chalk it up to being old at 35 I guess! I’m not sure I agree tbh but maybe? He told me to try heat and/or ice, voltaren gel, and plain old Advil. Well I guess it couldn’t hurt. I also have to get an X-ray just to rule out a fracture but that’s nearly impossible, I didn’t fall or anything. I mean unless I hit it in the middle of the night woozy from sedating meds. Doubtful. I had a major panic attack in group today. I got stuck in a loop thinking about what if RS HAD yelled at me, the fact that he would even feel like it means he’s unsafe, etc etc etc. basically flashed back to when my ex husband was blowing up at me every other day. So it quickly escalated into paranoia. All my grounding skills flew right out of my head! But I remembered one and latched on to that, then I remembered to give senses, and I wrote out safety statements just over and over again. Took about a half hour but I successfully brought myself back to reality. Very big accomplishment!

Arthritis at 35? Hmm, I'm not sure I agree, either.

It is so hard during a triggering situation to recall grounding skills (at least, it is for me). Good for you for doing the work and succeeding!

My T called to make sure I was coming Tuesday. I had a long convo with my husband about leaving me the hell alone about food that I'm not going to die between now and T appointment. The convo started because of what I said while smoking. The moral of the story is don't smoke when you're down. I didn't realize I was going to feel like ****, a liar, not worthy of the dx. that look like they're going to give me. I'm trying to drown out my thoughts with music but they're dark. I'm trying to distract but I don't feel like coloring or anything. I want to cry but I can't. Today is a 5 out of 10 day. 4 more hours till bed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoGo2 To all: Thank you for your concern! It is the old life. I feel alone. I thought I had more friends then I really have, but of course I have some. There are very few who know that I am depressed. Those who know do not understand how serious it can be to be depressed. It is a none topic. I always has to be strong and hide because I feel that that is what is expected of me. It is also a family thing. It is like my brother and I have grown in different directions. I feel that we don't know each other any more. I am not sure how to go on with life. My therapist and I have agreed to end therapy in a few weeks. I don't have the money to buy a lot of sessions. When I was young I threw myself into education and had plans. How do we plan life when we are already pensioned and some of the best friends one had is already dead? How do one get new friends in old life? I have the local number to emergency here. I will use it if I really need it. I do think about how sad my son and grandchildren will feel if I am not here. As long as that thought is there, I will probably fight as much as I can to not act on these thoughts. Thanks again!

I ask many of the same questions and have not yet discovered answers.

I am very concerned about you not having a therapist. Are there therapy services available that are low cost or free?

@wildflowerchild25, did they even consider carpal tunnel? I developed that and one of the symptoms is sometimes wrist pain. Do you at all recall any repetitive stress to your wrist? Or even sleeping on it the wrong way? I sometimes have. Nowadays I wear wrist braces to bed and am used to them. Without, my left wrist hurts right now . Without I even wakeup with numb hands. In any case, I hope it's not arthritis or anything else permanent.

It's 82 degrees, but feels too warm so I have the a/c on. I don't understand why the heat seems to be staying in here. I guess I'll open the windows after a while.

I'm waiting for the Haldol to be delivered. I did take 25mg of Seroquel last night and did sleep. Of course I have the hangover effect and would like to just sleep and sleep. One day I'm going to treat myself to a sleep day. I will set the alarm to get up and take care of cat things, then I will go back to bed and just sleep all day and all night. That is my dream.

I am outraged because it's looking like law enforcement messed up the shooter situation in Texas. Obviously, they were not only ill-prepared and disorganized, but also afraid of being shot. I do not understand signing up for a job you are afraid to do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour @wildflowerchild25, did they even consider carpal tunnel? I developed that and one of the symptoms is sometimes wrist pain.

Yes, wrist pain is common with carpel tunnel.

Yeah I don't get it. I thought things were better after Columbine. Like for one thing locking the doors to the school.... I remember in elementary school from 2000-2005 you had to be buzzed in the front door and the receptionist had to ask who you were through the intercom and they had cameras and everything. The front stores were also made of steel. I Iived in an incredibly safe neighborhood. This is just messed up and really sad and infuriating. And one of the teachers who died, husband died today too from a broken heart.

Just for an fyi mum’s eye injection went well. They gave her a numbing agent in an eye drop, then afterwards washed it out with eye drops. She said it didn’t hurt the eye but she could feel it in her big toe! They recommended Refresh gel eye drops as often as she wants and a ice pack as needed. I just made supper and she feels fine now that she ate. They did give her an eye patch but that’s to keep her from touching her eye.

How often does she have to have the injections? I'm glad you've got Mayo nearby to do them. I'm glad it wasn't awful.

She has three injections one month apart then they evaluate. If she’s lucky that’s all she’ll need. Some people get injections once a month for the rest of their life and some only need a few. I’m hoping mum will be one of the lucky ones.

FYI....
I switched to left handed mouse on the computer made all the difference

for me it was a simple fix.
(((((HUGS)))))
bjizi