Bipolar check-in #68

What kept you from actually having an attack?

So, I have this friend who lives about an hour from me. We've gotten together a handful of times. So a couple weeks ago he says he is going to drive here to visit me . We made plans for 3 p.m. today. At 10-to-3:00 he Facebook messages me and says can we reschedule because one of his kids brought their car over to be fixed. So 50 minutes AFTER he should've left, he cancels. So then he says we can get together tomorrow. I say "What time". He takes a while to get back to me and then says "How about Tuesday? I have to fix the oxygen sensor on my truck. It will be safe driving that way.". I call ********. Even if your oxygen sensor is bad, you've been driving the car like that for weeks. I just feel like everything else in his life is more important than me . But I can't say anything because I'm not his girlfriend (and never will be). Btw, he's done this before too. Not last time . Last time he showed up on time and we had a fun time. That's why I assumed that today would be no different. Now I know that him showing up is the exception to the rule . And just yesterday I told another friend to never attempt to contact me again. I feel like doing that with this guy. It really was difficult not to tell him off today.

Fact checking. Paced breathing. Reassuring myself I was safe

I had to unfriend a whole lot of "friends" and relatives recently.

What is an oxygen sensor @moose?

Noah and Kim took David and I to lunch and it was perfect. They are both such delightful, lovely people, truly a joy to spend time with. Noah has always been tall and thin, but for the first time today I see he has filled out and looks like a mature man instead of a young man (he'll be 34 in early October). He looks very handsome and Kim is so pretty. She's petite, but has a solid inner strength about her.

I held Noah's hand across the table for a while; it's amazing to me how he was this little person in my arms, and here he is, a man much taller than I am with big, long hands. My eyes (much to my annoyance) teared up, and when the tears began to fall I dabbed at my eyes with my napkin and said "Oh, I'm so allergic to this eye liner." I hate for them to think I start bawling every time I see them.

Anyway, they make such a good couple. We had wonderful conversation, talked about all sorts of things. And they always bring us thoughtful gifts from the various places they travel to. In a few weeks they're headed to Georgia (the country, not the state). David cautioned them about being careful not to set foot in Russia and they assured us that they'll be cautious.

So it was a beautiful afternoon and the only hard part is afterwards, knowing we won't see each other for at least some months. That part is hard for both David and I.

The kids must have brought a bit of weather from the coast! Today was the first day in weeks that was below 100 degrees and here it is, 7 p.m. and only 80 degrees! In fact, there is a coastal breeze and tonight should drop down to 60. I have the windows wide open and feel I've been let out of a box.

I am exhausted and will soon be lying down to read. I have accepted that I need to come off the Gabapentin. It's been so helpful for reducing anxiety, but I am constantly nauseated. I'm quite sure the nausea is from the Gabapentin. I don't know what I'll do if that severe anxiety returns, but feeling sick all the time is no longer bearable.

So i'm feeling pretty shattered now. It's an important anniversary today for me and i only had six online messages today, three of which spelled my name wrong. My real name isn't Jane, it's something unusual. I always feel destroyed when someone spells my name wrong. I feel self-conscious and sensitive about my name and it's just so painful when people get it wrong. The messages were over Facebook, where my name is spelled out correctly just two centimeters above so there's no excuse. I felt hope die for me for a few hours today. I ate a cake in the parking lot of Walmart. I've got mixed-mood now, i guess, i was happy and laughing after the hours of despair, thinking about an elaborate lie i'd tell about how the day went if anyone asked. I got really zany. Mixed-mood is somewhat harder than just straight depressed because it's so hard to manage, so unpredictable and exhausting. If last year is any indication, i'll have mixed-mood for the rest of August and September before i finally switch into straight depression in October. What an absurd life this is.

I should probably just legally change my name to Jane. I don't have the energy now but come next April when i get manic, i'll keep it in mind. I'm sick of being saddled with this unusual name. I don't know what my mom was thinking of when she gave me an unusual name. I just want to be Jane.

Today was good! I met with my mom and arranged to have lunch with my pastor friend next week.

No work today, so apart from the Sunday service, I lazed around all day. My biggest action was sorting out old vacation photos again.

Tomorrow, I have a few things. I meet with my PsychNP for a regular meeting. Usual chit-chat to make sure I'm at baseline. Then later on, I'll get a haircut. Just a no frills buzz cut. I've got a lot of hair right now!

The big event is my neurology appointment tomorrow afternoon. I've been waiting for this for seven months! I get to find out how big of a risk I have for brain bleeds. They found blood clots in the brain during an ER visit in January. This concerned the ER doc so much he put me on statins and scheduled me with a neurologist. My job fired me so quickly I didn't have time to make the appointment while I had insurance and the rest of the year has been crap. That neurologist was a jackwagon, Medicaid took five months past two weeks to approve and then I had to wait two more months. I just don't want to stress out and stroke out and the sad part is I don't know how likely of a possibility that might be.

All I want is a sit-rep with my brain and everyone since February has actively hindered me. Tomorrow should bring clarity.

I slept till 5 pm today. My heads not doing the clicky thing it was doing every time I shut my eyes. "bugs" are still there but less. I had a conversation with H about subjective reality. So I got nothing done today. I'm trying to color every day but the past 2 days I haven't been doing well. mood wise I'm okay. It's not like it's bothering me or scaring me but I'm starting to think my injection is wearing off sooner then they should or it's just break through symptoms. This is not the time for this. I have my headphones on and keep checking my phone as it's "ringing" to me. My anxiety is high too.

In 2 weeks we're taking our older dog to the vet and for a tumor on her knee. We're bandaging it and everything but I'm worried that we wont be able to afford the treatment. That was the soonest appointment they had. So much stuff going wrong mixed with good things mixed in I don't know how to deal.

Intense dream woke me up before the sun. I had an appointment with my pdoc only it was my PCP who was acting as a pdoc. I ran though the sprinklers on my way to the appointment and was sitting there dripping denying that I was manic, just spontaneous! He told me I couldn’t work anymore that I was a danger to others. I got very upset saying that SSDI isn’t enough I need my job, it’s just an entry level job. So he relented and said if I took time off I could keep it. Then he had me sign papers to that effect but I couldn’t stop signing my name. I sat there denying I was manic and wanted to know why my denials weren’t working cause they work for T**** and he’s worse than manic he’s a criminal. Why won’t you listen?

Then I woke after 4 hours of sleep, too rev’d up to go back to sleep. Man, it bought back memories of being locked up!

I'm feeling frustrated with my husband's procrastination and other slowness. There are so many urgent things we should do that aren't getting down. I've done tons of research and sent him proposals, and he never likes my ideas. He always has such extremely high standards that will ultimately cost us more than we need to pay. It's like I live with a wanna be prince. I'm such a polar opposite to him in that sometimes I even rush to get things done too hastily. Wish there was an in between to this. In the end, we wait until the last minute. People end up calling and emailing him wondering why nothing has been done. Much of the stuff I can't do, given language issues. Often even if I could, I'm prevented from doing so. All I seem to be able to contribute is housewife stuff and teeny extras.

By tommorow afternoon I will have a new legal name. I am super excited. Last night I slept good for the first time in 2 days. So I have energy today. I don't have anything planned though today. I was thinking of getting my haircut but I don't really need to get it cut and I'm still on the hospital payment plan and the doctors payment plan and then there was my trip last week too. So I'm a bit short of money right now and I asked my mom if I needed to get my haircut and she said it looked ok. But anyways I feel much better then I did this weekend. I think maybe my trip just wore me out. I have another trip coming up on September 1st when I see my pdoc in person. Then the baby is coming on the 27th of September. So it will be busy starting tommorow.

It's part of a car. Not sure what or why it does it but I'm pretty sure that you can drive a car with a broken one.

And after a day and a half of sleep I'm back. Not doing well. Thanks for the support.

An oxygen sensor regulates the air to fuel ratio in the engine. You can in theory drive a car with a busted O2 sensor, but you really shouldn't as it can cause damage to the engine since the O2-fuel ratio would be off so the combustion wouldn't be the precise amount it needs to. If there's too much oxygen you can really f**k up your spark plugs or pistons. If there's too little it won't run as efficiently and it won't run as well.

My name is Lara, but people keep spelling it Laura even when they see it. I don't think it's even a difficult name to spell.

I’m so sorry people keep spelling your name wrong. My real name is French in origin and it’s regularly mangled in pronunciation and in spelling. I feel for you.

Hello! It’s good to be here. Still exhausted and sleeping a lot but hope is in sight. I have an appointment with my medical doctor tomorrow to get checked out. Last time I was there, I had 2 different deficiencies and an infection. I had assumed they cleared up as had my doctor. Maybe not. Add to that the physical side effects of Zoloft for 2.5 months and I may get some answers soon. I sure hope so. I usually have energy to spare so whatever this is - be it physical or mental - has been tough. I also called my med provider this morning to let her know I’d have to get off the Zoloft and made an appointment with her and asked her to call me today. I’ll be right as rain before you know it.

I had a good session with my therapist this morning. Very helpful.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

Thanks for the support @downandlonely and @Jennifer 1967. Jennifer, it's comforting to know that we both have unusual names and both choose to go by common names here on the forum.

I'm feeling steadier today. I dressed-up and several women admired my shoes and jewelry. Being a woman rocks!

@Mountaindewed:

Congratulations on your new name as of tomorrow. I got the paperwork to change my name legally in the late nineties but then everything went to Hell and i never followed thru on it. It takes a bit of will and determination to change your name!

My birth name was very hard to pronounce, and was not very popular at the time although its become somewhat trendy now. When I originally changed it people still misprounced it despite some very famous people with the name. Plus it was still too feminine for me. Finally I just chopped it up some more and I have my new name.

No more Gabapentin, no more lithium. Been sick from the G. for months and the lithium pushed it over the edge. I was violently ill all night, could not stop vomiting. Completely drained. I slept many hours, still exhausted. Stopped the lithium and am titrating down on the G. I'm scared because I feel so weak and unwell. Guess I just have to wait it out.

Hugs~