Bipolar check-in #70

She looks cute

A 3rd dose of OTC pain meds in 12 hours and my geodon and melatonin seems to finally be getting rid of this massive anxiety and pain I've had all day. I had to watch a couple episodes of Project Runway this afternoon to distract myself from everything. My blood doctor called to reschedule for December 8th. Which is fine with me since I don't get the point in seeing her if the level is fine. I hate going to the doctors I don't get these people who love going to them. I wish I wasn't traveling for Thanksgiving either. I feel like my sister is being reckless bringing a less then 2 month old out of state with RSV going around. But once again no one will listen to me. Anyways at this moment I feel ok.

Watched the jeopardy play off then went to the library and grocery store. Forgot it gets dark sooooo early now. Ugh, driving in the dark! But I have everything I need to make pumpkin bread. Yum. Found a recipe that calls for oj. Sounds good to me. Found the mini chocolate chips to add in, mmm.

Just couldn’t get up for the eight thirty aqua fitness class. Then when I got out of bed to cancel found out I had never signed up! So decision taken out of my hand. It was a snowy day anyway. Went back to bed until 11:30. Mum didn’t want to go to PT, so I coulda stayed in bed later. So a slow day.

We have a lovely senior program at the Y. They don’t call it that though, it’s called legends program and is open to anyone with mobility issues. At 64 I’m almost the youngest though. The aqua program though has no age though all of us are seniors. My friend there is the oldest she’s mum’s age almost, 94. In fitness class we sometimes take time to detail what we’re doing and various mindfulness activities. A couple of months age we had a challenge to take a 30 day gratitude photo everyday. Many of us did that and we spent half the class just sharing photos and things we we’re grateful for. It makes for a very friendly atmosphere.

I got my bridge prep done today. Two teeth pulled and the temporary bridge put it. I had a lot of piercings as a teenager, my facial piercings are gone now due to the need to look professional, but damn that tongue ring was the worst idea I ever had! Ruined my gums and now at 35 I need a bridge oh well, live and learn! Now I just stick to my ears.

I have decided to wear my mask at work at least for the duration of the winter. Covid aside, I had a cold last week (or maybe very mild Covid but I doubt it) and I’m not trying to be sick for the entire winter! These kids are just dirty! Flu went around a couple of weeks ago as well, I got my flu shot and it must have been helpful bc I didn’t get it, but seriously I’m already over it. Plus Covid is ticking up again. I scheduled my Covid booster for Friday and got CR his flu, and has Covid booster scheduled as well. He sometimes has a flu shot reaction so I didn’t want to get them at the same time for him.

It’s gotten cold here now. Not pleasant leaving Florida at 80 degrees and coming back to 46!

CR turns 12 on Saturday I can’t believe it! One more year until he’s a teenager!!! We’re taking him to his favorite place, the arcade at the shore. We’re meeting his grandma and aunt there. I’m going to try to get my mom to go out to the steakhouse with him on Sunday. I think she will, her therapist kicked her in the *** a little to get her to leave the house.

Hope everyone has a pleasant evening!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu We have a lovely senior program at the Y. They don’t call it that though, it’s called legends program and is open to anyone with mobility issues. At 64 I’m almost the youngest though. The aqua program though has no age though all of us are seniors. My friend there is the oldest she’s mum’s age almost, 94. In fitness class we sometimes take time to detail what we’re doing and various mindfulness activities. A couple of months age we had a challenge to take a 30 day gratitude photo everyday. Many of us did that and we spent half the class just sharing photos and things we we’re grateful for. It makes for a very friendly atmosphere.

That is absolutely lovely! I like that..."legends program."

I asked David to bring me a few groceries because I am so low on things and have no money. He takes all of the small money out of the bank account so I can't access it. All of the "real" money is in his sister's control purposely to keep me from having access to it.

I was getting the cats' dinners ready, which also involves being exactly on time to test Sidney's glucose, feed her, and administer her insulin. It needs to be a very calm, quiet time with lots of soft talking, petting, and careful focus.

Suddenly, there's David beating on the door, yelling my name, beating, beating, beating, yelling. Of course the cats ran terrified, and hid. I opened the door for him, he walked in and dumped two bags on the table, huffing about where was I, didn't I hear the door - dumping the bags exactly where I needed to place Sidney to test her glucose.

I was furious. I've told him that if he comes here at that time to please, please let himself in (he has a key) very quietly. I have also told him, told him, and told him, that the doors here are hollow and thin, he need only knock very lightly.

And why didn't he use his key this evening? Because he won't set a bag on the (neatly swept) cement outside the door due to "germs" (he has severe OCD).

Oh. He forgot about the time. He forgot about the door. He forgot to mail the card I so carefully chose for our DIL's birthday. Oh, he forgets everything that doesn't benefit himself.

I knew what was coming and I said, "Leave. Now. Go." I barely slept last night. I have been fighting this depression and worrying and worrying. I am so damned lonely and alone in this town. My life has never been like this, I have always had people around me, and friends. Then he comes over here to torture me.

But he wouldn't leave because he wants "us" (me) to "turn down the volume." He means he wants me to shut my mouth, sit on my hands, and listen to him tell me all about himself. He throws fire in my face then blames me when I react. And always tells me, eventually, inevitably, before he finally does leave, that I am "mentally unstable."

A self-obsessed man who never could be a husband and father on his own, but is always a puppet for his snobby family and who is afraid to set an effing plastic grocery bag down, but I am mentally unstable because I am trying so, so hard to keep my precious cat alive. Because I am responsible. Because I had the guts to tell him his family made a fool of him. But the moment I said that so many, many years ago I knew he would always choose them over me and over his own children. So it was useless. And my daughter blames me for not getting out. But I tried so many times.

A miserable evening. But I did have a nice chat with a neighbor in the laundry room. She has such pretty long, black hair and the bluest eyes.

And guess what?! The temperature is going to be in the mid-60's in the coming days! Beautiful. Maybe in the afternoons I can open the windows some and the cats can enjoy that. I'm thinking I'll drag the light box down and plug it in tomorrow, get some of the therapy light in here and see if I can lift my mood. As much as I dislike hot weather I believe my brain is accustomed to the bright, high sun here.

I am so sorry you’re so depressed, Beth. I know that David is a piece of work (to put it nicely) and he always affects you negatively, which is not what you need right now. I really hope you feel better soon.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 I am so sorry you’re so depressed, Beth. I know that David is a piece of work (to put it nicely) and he always affects you negatively, which is not what you need right now. I really hope you feel better soon.

I appreciate your kindness, wfc. Thank you. It was my naive mistake to try to force a man to be a husband and father when he was incapable of normally loving a wife, or being responsible for his own wife and family. His priorities were anything but us, and love really can't always make things work.

On a much happier note, what are the plans for CR's birthday? This is his 12th, right?

Beth, yes he will be twelve! We’re taking him to his favorite arcade down the shore. He loves arcades. I’d take him bowling the next day but unfortunately the carpal tunnel syndrome prevents me from even lifting my water bottle much less a bowling ball. The arcade will be enough. Then we’re taking him to longhorn steakhouse for his new favorite dinner, steak lol. He has expensive taste! I might also take him to five below to pick out a couple of cheap presents. Our main present was a new scooter which I bought a month ago so he could use it for a bit before the cold set in.

I had my last therapy session and I just feel numb kinda. It sort of feels like how I got cut out by my transference T right before Christmas 2020 and I had no one to get me through Christmas. I get that this is not the same thing at all. But like, it still hurts pretty badly. I start with my new therapist on December 5th. Ugh I can't tell if I'm in a lot of emotional pain or in a lot of physical pain from the workout I did this morning and the V8s I've been drinking. It started after therapy and it sucks whatever it is.

I am looking way too thin and I feel like things are getting out of control with this working out and food restriction stuff. I feel like I'm going crazy. I would for sure have been admitted to the ED unit if I were still living in my old state.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 Beth, yes he will be twelve! We’re taking him to his favorite arcade down the shore. He loves arcades. I’d take him bowling the next day but unfortunately the carpal tunnel syndrome prevents me from even lifting my water bottle much less a bowling ball. The arcade will be enough. Then we’re taking him to longhorn steakhouse for his new favorite dinner, steak lol. He has expensive taste! I might also take him to five below to pick out a couple of cheap presents. Our main present was a new scooter which I bought a month ago so he could use it for a bit before the cold set in.

That sounds ***fabulous!***. What a fun day it will be. Gosh, my kids absolutely loved arcades, too - especially my daughter. Do they still have the Dance-Dance something...they step on lit-up squares while music plays...ugh, I can't remember. I tried it once and nearly fell off the machine. But the kids loved it! Yes, I remember when you gave him the scooter, I was imagining him "scootering" around.

I'm so sorry about the cts. When my kids were roughly CR's age I tore my rotator cuff (right shoulder) and what I could do was so limited. I felt like I missed out and it was frustrating.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed ....

Last therapy session. No matter what, regardless of circumstances, I think any last therapy session is going to be flattening. Crushing, I mean. The good part is that it is done. Today will probably be the hardest day, maybe tomorrow. But it will be less and less and before you know it December 5th will be here.

I don't think I am dealing with just anxiety. I think I really over did the work out. I had to take the normal tylenol and pepto bismol capsules this afternoon. Then I sat up and threw up in my mouth and spit up on the floor a bit. Tommorow will be a rest day regarding my workout.

Some of you may remember last summer I was pet-sitting for my sister's family while they were on vacation and the cat took a liking to me and kept bringing me dead animals which I had to dispose of. On top of that a bird drowned in the pool filter which turned into a horrible clean-up issue.

Well, I'm pet-sitting again, although this time for my mom. I was supposed to feed the fish today and so I did that. One of her fish has been unwell and expected to die to when I didn't see him I checked the tank. Yep, laying on the bottom, folded up, not moving. I called her to find out how she handles dead fish, got the paper towels to wrap the body in, moved a chair so I'd have easy access and reached to move the lid so I could retrieve him. He was swimming all over! I didn't scream but I jumped back about 5 feet and squeaked. Back from the dead....I think I'm done petsitting. Too much death and pseudo-death.

Lol 😂 oh rainbow you’ve got a bunch of good stories from pet setting.

I made pumpkin bread today. Turned out ok but wouldn’t come out of the pan. I guess I should have grease it, but I thought non-stick coating meant you didn’t need to grease it! Has a nice flavor to it, I used extra ginger. I love ginger and clove. I should get some cheese cloth and make mulled wine for the holidays. Half the delightful part is the scent. The problem is that I only know how to make a bunch, for just mum and me that’s too much. Mum only has 1/2 a glass and I only have a glass.

V8 is acidic and can cause some wicked acid reflux

I. Am. So. Far. Behind. On. Here !

Yesterday when we were headed out to my rheumatologist appt we saw a dog rush across the road and into the woods ! On the way back home ( it was dark) we stopped and called for it.. no luck.

Today we found her. Was so worried because last night got down in the 20’s and worried about coyotes. Here she is. Dogs get dumped here all the time. I dunno how anyone can be so cruel !

Hope she’s just lost and we can get her back home. Steve’s falling in love fast

Oooo she’s sooo cute 🥰

Very adorable! I'm no expert on dogs, but she looks like she could be a pure bred black Lab, don't you think? It would seem odd for someone to "dump" one, if she is. Also, she seems in excellent shape, with few (if any) signs of being a stray for long. In any case, if she stays with you, it sounds like you might have Gus on your lap and this new cutie could end up being a "Daddy's Girl".