Bipolar check-in #70

Today is supposed to be my lazy day, Sunday. The day I don’t get dressed and don’t do anything but veg out. But it is such a glorious rocking autumn day, I got dressed and did outside stuff. Threw two patio flowers in the garbage as they were gone, but the rest are doing ok. My flower box is doing fantastic. The marigolds are huge and showy. That miracle grow flower food is really good stuff. My mood is likewise fantastic. Amazing how much influence nature has.

Hugs and sparkling good vibes all around. ✨

I have had as much fun as I can have for the time being. Golfing was fun. I didn’t come in last or even second to last thankfully. I’m packing tonight and leaving tomorrow to head to the mountains. It will take as long as it takes to get things straight and clear. I will likely not be posting but I will be around.

I wish everybody well. I’ll be seeing you around. Take care.

I tried making it to the bathroom and I got the worst vertigo and lightheadedness. I was like cheese and crackers should I get checked out for a blood clot in my lungs. Its been suspected a few times but I've always been negative. I made it back to bed and I took some tylenol and as long as I lay on my side I'm ok.

Still at 99.5 so thats not getting worse but I feel worse. I totally understand if I have to move my last in person session with my therapist to virtual. But man is that like transference T part 2 and the sudden switch to video sessions in 2020. Thats a mind blown. History repeating itself or some ****.

My temp is ok but my throat hurts so badly and this cough sucks and now I have a headache. It feels like when you get butterflys in your stomach but mine are in my lungs and throat.

I am sorry you are ill.could be the flu or covid.Wait a couple of days to see if you improve then test if you don't improve. The walk in clinics can give you predinisone to help with your symptoms for a few days flo nace is good stuff for sinus, runny nose cough related to post nasal drip.
bizi

I am a people pleaser and I’m very good at it. The person that I’m not pleasing is myself. I don’t know the status of the relationships in my life right now. Neither do I care. I have a good friend who always tells me like it is. I can’t even turn to him right now. I’ve withdrawn too far into myself at this time. Am I safe? No. What I am is tired and weary. Tired of pretending. Tired of being the broad shoulders that everyone counts on. Tired of being the nice one. Always. If I could I would just leave and start over fresh out of state. Alone. I’m so very, very tired. I think some peace and quiet in the mountains will do me some good. I’m not going to meet M. I just asked to be left alone. A dark night of the soul for sure. I’m not taking anything that would not be in my best interest as I don’t trust myself at this time.

I’ll either work through it or I won’t. I’ll either be back or I won’t. I do sincerely appreciate all the support I’ve received here. I think as a group you are truly phenomenal. Please take care.

Any chance you can take a vacation?Go to the woods and spend some time in nature. Take a book, rent a cabin, get a tent or borrow one, relax with the solitude. make a camp fire if you are so inclined.

bring your phone but turn it off. that way you have it for emergencies.
Even if it is just for a day or weekend. It is time to take care of yourself.

Bring simple things to eat fresh fruits and veggies that you can eat easily.
Make a vow of silence for a day or the whole weekend.
Have you ever journaled? It is a great way to get down on paper how you are doing. Have you ever meditated? That is a way to center yourself. What about a hike in the mountains or woods.I am sure there are trails that you could walk if you are able..
I am worried about you.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

After some tylenol didn't help, I tried an Advil 3 hours later and fell asleep into a light doze. My dumb brother woke me up less then 2 hours later. I feel awful. I took my temp and it was 100.1. So I think I'll go over to immediate care in the morning. Based on the severity of my sore throat, I can barely drink anything, I'm guessing I have strep or something.

Praying for you

Enjoy the peace you find in the mountains and give yourself some grace.

Much love

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try flonace, glad you are going one of those walk in clinics.
feel better!
bizi

I had a melt down last night. I’m sorry if I worried or scared you. For the record, the diatribe was not about my fiancée who is a good man and better to me than I deserve. There are a few relationships in my life that involve spontaneous and frequent cruelty. One I have addressed. The other, society views as taboo to terminate. Maybe a temporary estrangement as this time? I don’t know. Every time I try to think of solutions I grow exhausted and need to sleep immediately. I’ve tried to live up to other’s expectations but when they keep moving the goal post it’s a hard mantle to bear. I’ve had to accept that some things just can’t be resolved. Sometimes love is not enough. The tears are gone as is the brutal pain and new resolve has taken root. My mental and physical health is my first priority. It has to be.

I think the continued demands of me and the loss of sleep over what is happening outside my home created a perfect storm yesterday. I am at the secluded cabin in my beloved mountains now and I am starting to feel better. Human again. No demands. I’ve got the fireplace going and I’m about to go out in this frigid weather to enjoy the hot tub. Lovely. When it warms a bit, I’ll start the hike to my favorite spot. My private messages are activated and my ignore list is clear at this time. The day after I arrive home, whenever that may be, I’m leaving for a week and a half to go north to take mom to see her sisters. That will be good. It’s peaceful there.

I’ll get into another grief class and I will grieve the fractured relationship as much as the one I lost (my brother). Down but not out. Always.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day. Much love.

Hope you feel better soon.

You could possibly be getting sick so often because you’re not eating enough. It wears down your bodies immunity.

That was the plan, at least. Mom cancelled last minute, at Dad's behest, which paved the way for him to issue my to do list for the day and to send my cousin to my house, hand out for money, later that afternoon. I didn't give my cousin any money that my dad owes him and I didn't do anything my dad commanded me to do.

Moving on, it's gonna be another lazy day today. I meet my PsychNP at 2pm and (if my Dad is going to go to my cousin's place), I'm going to say hi to Mom at her house. See if the two of us can talk shop.

I woke up this morning around 7. Way later then normal. I felt like crap and knew I needed to go to immediate care. I had a temp of 99.5 and I had the cough and this weird fluttering in my chest. So I got to immediate care and I had a 99 fever and a oxygen of 94. I tested negative for the 5 minute strep test. She did a flu covid combo test and told me to avoid social gatherings until I got the results. I am home in bed now. I took my temp about half an hour ago after feeling worse and it was back up to 100. I've been told before I get sick either because of my diet or thats how my body reacts to stress. But tbh my anxiety hasn't been too bad yesterday and today. I'm not in panic mode about this I'm pretty chill about it. The prestiq seems to still be working pretty well for my anxiety.

I sent an email to my therapist asking if we could reschedule for in person on Friday. I know theres a lot going on with her and I want to be 100% by the time we meet. Hopefully she has something or she is even ok with me being in the office at all. But I get if she is not and prefers virtual.

Today is World Mental Health Day! October 10th 2022. 🌎

I need to have a chat conversation with my cousin who has had cancer before to get her information for my genetics counseling appointment that is later this week. I don't want to. I didn't realize this until I left therapy and can't talk about it more. I just haven't told almost anyone about my breast biopsies, surgery or very elevated risk. I found a support group for high-risk women and I can't even post anonymously there. I don't know why it's so big for me to share this but it is. And my cousin is wonderful but I'm not ready to have that conversation yet. I have a few days before genetic counseling so hopefully I'll feel more like it tomorrow.

It is also indigenous peoples day. Columbus day.
bizi

I got a call today from one of the applications I filled out. I’m calling back tomorrow. I hope I hope I hope. It’s not an ideal job at all but it’s a job and I’ll be grateful no matter the days or hours.

We got our first cold snap of the year. My trees are starting to turn. I hope to get some pics tomorrow.

Hugs and love to anyone in need !

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Trees here have already turned I think it’s 50-75% finished. Today when I took mum to her physical therapy I drove the back way so she could see all the colors. Most houses around here have the pumpkins out, and corn decorations up.

Lovely @Nammu

I always appreciate your hugs and love! Fingers crossed on your job prospect!