Questions bipolar version #10

Truck driver. I don't like driving a car, but a truck would be super frightening.

If you could be relieved of one thing right now, what would it be?

The fear (frankly, terror) of veterinarian costs I don't have any money for.



Q: What are three things you see from your bedroom window?

Trees, cars, bushes

Three favourite things in spring?

California poppies blooming all over the place.

The pleasant warmth to the air so I can open wide my windows.

The scent of lilac oil I rub on things in my apartment.



Q: Same. Three favorite things in spring?

Spring skiing/pond skimming, cold rainy days (well, when that was a thing), and seeing life come back, well, to life.

How much water have you had to drink today?

One bottle so far. I keep meaning to get a second bottle but keep postponing it.

What’s your favorite board game?

A: Cranium

Q: What was the last song/movie/work of art that made you cry?

I know there was something that brought actual tears flowing not too long ago, but I can't remember what it was. I do frequently get a rush of adrenaline from emotion from many things. Just yesterday, I was watching scenes from the old movie The Competition with Richard Dreyfuss and Amy Irving. I've seen the movie numerous times and loved it. The scenes that really get me are when Dreyfuss' character plays the Beethoven piece and Irving, the Prokofiev. It's not just the music, but the Dreyfuss character, himself. Firstly, I adore Richard Dreyfuss. Secondly, I could relate to the struggle the character had. I think the ending is beautiful, not just because of their romance, but because of Irving's success in the competition after a very rocky start, Dreyfuss realizing his truest strength (a beautiful one), and him supporting her in the end. Again, I found the whole process one I could relate to.

What is something you initially felt a failure or weakness, but then later saw it differently?

I don't really know. I imagine myself being typically clear-eyed about this sort of thing. The closest thing I can think of, where my perspective changed over time, was with one of my previous employers. Certain individuals with power didn't like me, so I, rather passive-aggressively, decided I will spite them by being ever present and indispensable. They responded by openly gaslighting me to the extent that anytime they said or did something to me, I had to say it out loud and to somebody. If I didn't, it never happened and their reality would reign supreme. I tolerated that gaslighting for way too long, thinking I was winning the "argument" by being ever present and indispensable. Winning doesn't really matter if you're subjected to the loser's rage and entitlement.

What's a quote (from any source) that has stuck with you through the years? Can be funny, serious, poignant, etc.

"Out of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most" - attributed to many people

Question: Do you watch cheesy Hallmark movies at Christmas time?

No. I truly think they are more cheese than I can stand. Though I'm not really into cartoons anymore, I would consider watching the old Charlie Brown's Christmas, Grinch that Stole Christmas or Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer from the 1970s. The old versions of the movies The Christmas Carol, A Christmas Story, and It's a Wonderful Life are also wonderful. I've seen them all probably 20 times over the years. James Stewart still makes me cry when I see him in the last movie I mentioned.

What is your favorite holiday-related story or movie?

The Christmas story

Do you have a high pain tolerance? My dentist told me people on APs tend to.

I do have a high pain tolerance, and an even higher pain threshold. I injure myself accidentally a lot, often not realizing how/when. Or I see that I injure myself, but it shows as far worse than I expected. Burns are a classic example. I think my medications also make me clumsier than I'd otherwise be. I have barely experienced pain since going on Tegretol (carbamazepine), an anticonvulsant moodstabilizer. I see that as the culprit even more than my Seroquel (quetiapine).

How are the holidays generally for you, mood-wise?

Generally no different than any other time of year. I’ve low key holidays. I don’t stress over holidays. I don’t work so that right there eliminates 3/4 of the stress. Don’t do parties. If there’s a get together it’s at someone else’s house and all I bring is a dish or two. But rarely stay more than a couple of hours. All this keeps stress low. And stress is the key 🔑 low stress= stable moods.

How do you like to be comforted when you’re street out?

If I can, I take an afternoon nap or go to bed early. I let my subconscious do all the heavy lifting compartmentalizing what happened and I generally wake up a lot less stressed. If I can't lay down of sleep, I'll try and center myself. Saying the Litany Against Fear is one way. Mindfulness of Breathing meditations are another good way for me. I also know the mantra of a Buddha associated with fearlessness and calm in the face of danger. All work well for me.

What is the nicest gesture you've ever received from someone? (Friends, Family, even a Stranger)

My therapist reduced his rates so I was only paying the agency fee and he got nothing for several years. We then agreed to raise it so he got a little but not much for the last several years. He definitely didn't have to do that and for quite a while at the beginning it was twice a week for no profit for him.


What is the funniest gift you've ever received?

My grandma once gave me a pair of underwear from a discount bin. They only had one leg opening. One of my favorite memories of her.

Do you wear shoes in your house?

Not usually

What's your favorite memory?

I must have been 8 or 9. I’m standing on the edge of a cornfield, my cousin’s home to my back and the cornfield in front. The dirt a clotted and rather dry, so August maybe. The corn taller than me. I don’t know why I was standing there, or why I was alone but I had such a feeling of contentment. It was awesome. I’ve never forgotten that moment. I only had one other moments like that. Just pure contentment.

Same question what is your favorite memory?

The first time I held my oldest niece. I didn't know how I would feel because I was sad that niece was as close as I'd come to my own child but it was instant love that hit me in a way I'll never forget.


When were you brave?

I think many times for many things. Being prone to anxiety makes being brave seem more frequent. Those are the real "push to do" moments. But a couple that seemed particularly big were when I moved to Taiwan and traveled around Asia by myself in my early and mid 20s, some particular large-scale public speaking events, and a couple times I defended my husband against violent type men. I write "seemed" because in some cases my courage seemed more sparked by anger or hypomania/mania. In those cases, it felt less risky/scary than some seemingly "minor" ones.

What are some less often talked about hypomania and/or mania symptoms you've experienced?

This is really weird but I had one manic episode where I desperately wanted to smoke. I had never even taken a puff of a cigarette but I was certain that would cure me. I resisted but it was really hard.

Do you have any special holiday traditions?

On my side of the family, nothing too different than the usual American tradition. I'll admit that since my mother died we have had Christmas dinner at a Chinese restaurant a couple of times. I think we'll do that again this year. Peking duck will likely be ordered as one of the dishes. Christmas Day has sucked in my family since my mom died! I doubt it will ever recover.

As for my husband's side, and as a married couple, we follow the usual Czech Christmas traditions, for the most part. The biggest dinner is on Christmas Eve, though another nice meal is also served on Christmas Day. The traditional Christmas Eve meal is carp soup, carp, potato salad, and other sides, though those who hate carp usually eat pork schnitzel. A sweet bread called vanocka and lots of Christmas cookies. Gifts are exchanged after the evening meal. We had no kids, but that's when "Baby Jesus" has brought the gifts and usually even the decorated tree. Saint Nicholas is not involved with this day. Instead, there is a Feast of Saint Nicholas in early December. There are other traditions, as well. One involving putting melted lead in water and one in floating walnut shells with candles in them. And others. People also save carp scales for good luck.

What Christmas (or other holiday) tradition do you enjoy most?

Driving around and looking at all the lights people have up.

Would you rather be overwhelmed or underwhelmed/bored?

Oh most definitely underwhelmed and bored. I can deal with bored. But stress from being overwhelmed is hard.

What’s one thing most people don’t know about you?