Bipolar check-in #71

Cats love chasing the red dot from laser pointers too , Chewy has laser pointers for cats too

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Originally Posted by Nammu Beth, my uncle lived in San Diego. The hip one who gave me all the far out books. I’d love San Diego but it’s much too big for me. If I had the money I’d move to New Mexico, one of the artists towns. I loved living in Albuquerque. In the summer it’s dry heat and winters depending on the town don’t get much snow, but definitely not -20 below

How funny, that he lived in SD, of all places that I'd pick! And it's also amusing - I've always thought of SD as small, because I compare it in my mind to huge Los Angeles. But actually it's not small, it's just smaller than L.A. I loved New Mexico when I visited it. Taos. The colors were gorgeous. I just wouldn't be able to be away from the ocean, I would grieve for it. But I would not want to live in San Diego, myself - or in SoCal! Waaay too...beautiful, yes - but sooo phony.

Honestly, if I could afford to live anywhere in this entire state (I mean besides some elite celebrity community like where Prince Harry lives)...oh, geez. I must be getting old. I am in love with San Francisco (who wouldn't be?), I will always hold a special place in my heart for Berkeley. But you know, I'd just like to go "home" to Sacramento. Silly old Sacramento.

I've been doing OK I guess -- just disappearing/reappearing a lot from most social things (like this forum for example). I got word a week or so ago my therapist is leaving the clinic and she can't take me on at her other job because they don't take my insurance. She's trying to work with me to figure something out where I could stay with her but I don't think it'll work out. She's gone Jan 1. I've not kept count -- but she's number 8 whose left me in 4 years time. I really liked this one too.

I am supposed to go see my doctor in person for a drug test to get my medicine but I missed my appointment because of anxiety of driving 1.5 hours to the city to see him. I haven't rescheduled. I've been without Adderall now almost a week and honestly I feel it may be for the better -- it's a huge quality of life advancement but it's never been worth the chronicled here issues it takes to get it. I may just try to find someone closer and ditch the Adderall. It shouldn't be so hard to get a doctor to prescribe me the other meds. Anyway, I'm just floating thoughts around.

Holidays aren't the best time for me. My mood isn't great -- as per usual we don't put up a tree or decorate. Unemployed I can't give much to any one. I hate feeling like a burden, and I especially hate being in moments where gifts are going to be given and I can't give back.

Despite having all this, today I feel oddly well. I'm rather happy. Let's hope the good vibes stay.

Miss you guys, I gotta catch up with the reading .

@Brentus. Hello 👋🏼 welcome back

Is it normal to have intrusive thoughts telling you to stay sick when you're fighting to get better? That's what my thoughts are telling me during my panic attacks. I feel hopeless.

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Originally Posted by Blue_Bird How long have you been seeing your therapist? I finally started bringing this stuff up now with my current therapist of almost 7 years. It took me a long time to decide to talk about it because I never felt it was relevant. But I feel like she is good and a good person to talk to about it because I've been seeing her so long and I really trust her. My cats love the wand toys, search cat wand toys on amazon or chewy. It's like a stick with a string and feathers or toys hanging off the end. You just kind of swing it around and the cats love to chase it. It makes me get more active too because I have to get up and walk around with it to play with them. Sent from my M8L using Tapatalk

Well, I've been seeing her for almost 5 years, but she's been absent so much for health problems (I know they're genuine, but ) and sometimes family issues (seems she has a lot of those) so if I add it all up, I'd say we've actually been in therapy for 3 1/2 years. The inconsistency is terrible, so stressful for me that in the first month of our therapy I was in a manic episode, she got sick, I had a breakdown, and that was when I was taken by the cops (not at all kindly) to IP. That time she was out for a full 3 months.

Add her absences to her very bad memory (she takes loads of notes; I don't know why). She has confused me with other clients on occasion, and thought someone in my life had passed who had not, at all, which was quite awkward.

I began talking with her about my trauma issues quite early on...maybe 6 months in. She was very supportive. I just

Thank you for the toy ideas!

I called my case manager today and left a voicemail asking if she could print out one of my proofs for food stamps recertification. She called my back and said that she'd already given it to me when she came over on Friday. "Do you remember my coming over?" Well yes I do remember that. And someone- not my case manager- suggested that I may have early-onset dementia! Yes another reason to see a neurologist! And my pdoc still hasnt- as far as I know- gotten back to my primary about the Haldol and its side effects. My primary and my voice specialist need the information soon I guess- not sure why. I guess I'll go call pdoc and see what can be done.

Therapy went well. I felt like puking the entire time but we had a good session and got a lot talked about. She handed me play doh to play with while we talked which was mildly annoying but not a big deal. I mentioned my transference therapist but I didn't mention that she was a therapist. Just a women I had a crush on who I had to leave. Therapists that I have told tend to go into major freak out mode or ask super uncomfortable questions when I go into full detail about her.

Anyways it was just a good session. I don't know what keeps making me feel sick though. I eat the same stuff everyday and take the same meds.

@*Beth* in my experience you have to be really ready for the trauma stuff and have a firm trust that the therapist is going to be there for you before you can do it. I had years of therapy with this therapist before we started the trauma stuff in detail. We talked about it intermittently for several years but it wasn't until 6 years in that we reached the point I could tell him everything that I needed to tell him and work through it. I did exposure therapy which is harsher than some of the other options and there is no way I could have done that without trusting him. And when I say trusting him I mean I had to trust that he was going to be there every week until the worst was over. When he went on vacation I saw another therapist just to have the support (we did not talk about trauma). M doesn't really seem to give you that structural support, so to speak. and I know I couldn't have done the exposure therapy without that kind of support.

Just my experience and opinion.....

I told my therapist it was bothering me how people were saying they wish DJT would commit S or have a stroke. She thinks its because the people who are wishing that are just stooping down to his level. Yeah he should totally go to jail because that is his own doing though.

@*Beth* I'm now doing trauma work with my T. I've been with her for a year and we've only just started slowly getting into it.

She's spent a lot of time going through coping strategies with me to deal with the dissociation, plus breathing and grounding exercises. She said it's very important that she helps me keep as safe as possible (we work remotely) and that we always work at my pace.

I know you like your T, but I'd be concerned that she wasn't consistent or reliable enough to safely do trauma work with. What if you were in the midst of difficult stuff with her and then she went absent again for weeks or months? Doing that could leave you in a terrible position. I'd just started trauma work with my previous T when she had to stop working due to terminal illness. Having to abruptly stop the work with her, and then her subsequently dying, left me in a really bad place and it took me a long time to begin to trust someone else enough to restart trauma work. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

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Hello @East17, it's great to meet you , I don't think we've met before.

Losing your previous therapist like that was surely terribly traumatizing.

My first "serious" therapist, many years ago, was an extraordinarily gifted psychologist. I was in therapy with him for 6 years and the therapy ended abruptly, literally in 1 day, due to him being deployed (this was through the veteran's administration). I was devastated. It took me 21 years to even consider getting back into therapy.

And yes, my current t and I have been working in-depth on trauma issues when she suddenly became ill and was gone for days, weeks, or months at a time. All sorts of madness has resulted, believe me.

It's good to see you @Brentus I'm so sorry about your therapist leaving. That's rough. I understand about the anxiety of not wanting to drive into your appointment. It's been probably the roughest holiday season I've ever had. Can't seem to pull myself together. It does sound like you're doing well, considering. There's a thread in Other Mental Health called Can We Talk (It's the Season) or something like that, if you feel like you want to or need to just talk about how you're feeling this season. And of course, there's always this thread

I’ve done my best to stay busy and keep everybody’s spirits up but I can feel mine sinking day by day as we get closer to Christmas. I’m not eating or sleeping and everything makes me cry. I’m missing my brother. I’ve got good support around me and it’s still an open wound. I’m sure next year will be better. This year is tough.

The maid came and did an outstanding job of finishing up decorating for Christmas. Very festive. Everything looks great. We decided to have lasagna for a meal because everyone is having a tough time. I volunteered to sit in his seat - couldn’t leave it empty.

Aside from this grief….life is good. The new friendships and relationship are mutually nourishing and nurturing. I’m staying busy with things I enjoy. Things are moving along.

I hope everyone has a peaceful night. Much love

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Beth, my uncle lived in San Diego. The hip one who gave me all the far out books. I’d love San Diego but it’s much too big for me. If I had the money I’d move to New Mexico, one of the artists towns. I loved living in Albuquerque. In the summer it’s dry heat and winters depending on the town don’t get much snow, but definitely not -20 below

Yes indeed, NM would be fabulous. Years ago I had a chance to buy property within easy driving distance to Santa Fe. I passed on the offer- giant poor choice. SF, Taos, Espanola, I could go for it. Even Las Cruces (I'm a big time Hatch chile fan so the 45 min drive to Hatch is totally worth it.) I agree, living around SF would be totally awesome.

Bouncing around, chasing shiny things, losing track of time. Not so good but the upside is I recognize what's happening.

I finally went back to a session with Mary. I told her I cancelled both sessions last week because I had to take time to think over how to talk with her about how I felt about the session in which she told me about her personal stuff.

Mary said she tends to talk with me about things that are more personal because she has always felt we'd be friends, had we met under different circumstances, then said that maybe she takes that too far sometimes.

This sort of thing is not new, it has happened to me with a couple of teachers, for example. Nothing nefarious, just a bit strange.

I told her that I am desperate to volunteer with intensive situations, as I have in the past. Long story. She suggested the hospital in town. Visiting patients. That sounds absolutely perfect. Something I can do...really listening to people, holding a hand. Making a difference.

When I left, Mary handed me a large shopping bag. When I came home I opened it to find 2 cards. 1 happy holidays, 1 very lovely birthday card. A lined journal and a lovely, warm, burgundy scarf.
I had given her a birthday card last week, but no gift because I got into such "trouble" for the gifts I gave to her while she was sick for 3 months in the spring/summer. I was a bit confused; I thought we were allowed only very small gifts, such as a box of tea.

So it seems I have a "friend" to talk with who...is empathetic, gives great hugs, and I suppose I just take it for what it is. I'm not paying for the sessions and truthfully, by now I've pretty much figured my family out. I've faced the reality that the pain of my father leaving when I was a little girl is never going to stop hurting. And so on. I've been practicing mindfulness meditation since 1977 and it's great, but nothing beats the feeling of escaping into a Stones song. So

Sounds confusing

Soupe … I hope your flights go smoothly !

Blue…. Over the years. I’ve done alot of Trauma work… it’s exhausting and can destabilize things for a while. But getting on the other side is so worth it.

Hallie …. I can’t wait til you find stability again

Nammu .. glad Mum is doing better. Glad home help is coming ! Stay warm! I knew Sir was not a kitten but I didn’t realize he was such a elderly guy. Give him a few scratches from Gus and I.

Moose .. are you seeing a neurologist?

Beth ! Glad you found the vac bags. The scarf sounds lovely.

Miguel’s mom.. I hope you can get in that apartment. You truly need a home of your own.

~~~~~~

Well my weather is going to be brutal while Steve is gone 1-4 degree lows and not even above freezing for 3 days I don’t even want to think of wind chills

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I have had both hypersomnia in bipolar depression and early awakenings with not being able to go back to sleep. Sudden awakenings, wide awake, no way to go back to sleep, and thoughts of guilt and/or regret. Oh, why did I not marry that specific suitor–in such times it appears that marrying that specific suitor years ago was the ONLY way out of my current trouble and not having done the ONLY RIGHT thing in the past has doomed me for life. It is funny to write about it after the fact but very hard to live that experience.

Right now I am struggling with hypersomnia and appreciate the links above.

ETA: [MENTION=8748]soupe du jour/MENTION] you posted linked about excessive sleep, but I cannot find that post now. Would you mind reposting for me?