Bipolar check-in #71

My emotions are all over the place. My impulse control is non existing. I'm so tired and drained. I spent money on nails. I don't even like nails. It's a lot of money for me. We had my parents Christmas today. Miguel was overwhelmed because there was no time to watch each gift being opened. He likes watching each gift being opened and taking time.Maybe I did something right still having a do over. Today was overall good and my service dog passed puppy kindergarten. Next week she starts intermediate before heading to my parents winter home. I'm okay with that right this second. My other dog is with my in-laws because 4 larger dogs just would not mesh well on the house.

On the house front final walkthrough is tomorrow then we sign and get keys Monday (?) I'm so ready to have a home.. even if it's small or in a bad area.

I feel fine. I've felt so inconsistent I can't explain it. Mornings are starting to get rough (hard to get out of bed). Been on the internet about 4 hrs now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom ... On the house front final walkthrough is tomorrow then we sign and get keys Monday (?) I'm so ready to have a home.. even if it's small or in a bad area.

You got the place?! That is fabulous!!!

Rain started falling tonight and is supposed to continue all week except Wednesday. So maybe I'll have a sunny day for my b-day.

Something I'm finding come into my mind a lot this week-end as the new year approaches is my therapist, Mary. Maybe my objectivity is off, maybe it's other things. I've never, never lived in such an isolated, lonely place in my life. Before moving here 7 years ago I saw people every day, without a doubt. Now I can go an easy 12 days and see only David a few of those days. (Or, only David and Mary, who both do weird things with my reality, just in different ways.) I've never lived alone before in my entire life and I hate it.

So, you know, there are things. Still, in the years I've been seeing Mary the amount of stress around my therapy with her has been enormous. From the get-go her boundaries have been odd and confusing. And things are not getting "fixed." I think I make her feel better, but I only feel very anxious about our sessions.

So I'm trying to think of what to do. The next step. The situation has to change. Her sudden 3 1/2 month absence made a mess of my beautiful late spring/early summer because of another absence with no warning and zero contact except a horrible phone message from her that devastated me and really destroyed the last of my real trust in her. I'll see her on Thursday and I have to have an idea by then.

I’ll be your pocket rider

That doesn’t sound good. I hope you can get in to see them sooner and that it’s not retinal detachment or anything else serious. Thanks for letting me know about the possibility for serious issues. I really can’t afford to have any eye issues because I’m basically legally blind in one eye (only have around 20% vision in left eye) and my right eye is about 6/12 in visual acuity on a bad day. One of my worst fears is going blind. Hopefully that doesn’t happen to either of us. Topomax is useful but it’s not worth losing our sight for!

It won’t let me edit my post again…. I think my previous reply said something along the lines of all my eye tests being normal or something like that but then I say in this last post my eyes are bad… I meant “normal” for me. I was born with bad eyesight but that hasn’t changed since birth….. but the trouble focussing etc is a new thing.

Oh Beth and unlived, eye stuff is terrifying. I hope all is well for both of you. Mum has age related macular degeneration and she’s struggling with it. She got injections into her eyes and that helped but she reads much less now and doesn’t do as many word puzzles as she used to. But the eye dr is marvelous.

Lordy I feel like ****. I’m pretty sure I have a gnarly sinus infection. Cough, facial pain/headache, etc. not to mention I’m simply exhausted! I fell asleep before 8pm last night!

I have t had one this bad in years.

I'm a little nervous today. My psychiatrist office have double booked him via telehealth to see me today so I can get my meds in ASAP. I don't have a strong rapport with him, and I can't explain to you way-- I really can't -- but he leaves me feeling uncomfortable and I feel judged a lot. I don't feel comfortable talking to him. But right now it's all I have, so I need to make sure I have my bipolar meds at least on hand. I did just take my last pills this morning. I don't know if he'll be apt to prescribe the Adderall until I see him in person. (I've been without that a bit longer, I missed my appointment a week or two ago) so in the end, any withdrawal has happened and I'm OK right now being off of it, although I don't feel so great.

I'm a bit concerned. It's 1:13PM and I haven't slept since I woke up at 7AM yesterday. I've been in a good mood, lots of energy.. and I just can't fall asleep. I lied in bed for 3 hours with no luck. I don't know if it's a warning sign or not... but I do know I'm not used to this.

Wish me luck with my appointment. I hope he isn't mad I made an emergency appointment with him. I'm concerned he'll be angry or scold me. I'll keep you updated.

I’ve had pdoc like that. Wishing you luck and may it go well. Hope you can find a more empathetic pdoc soon.

So I think I have BPD, (borderline) I have had literally every symptom especially in my late teenage years. I'm not so much extremely reckless and impulsive anymore though. I stopped self harm (cutting), stopped impulsive sex, stopped purging, stopped experimenting recklessly with substances, haven't done any of that in many years. but I still have a lot of the other stuff, the more internal stuff. I used to be suicidal a lot and end up in the hospital a lot but I haven't been in the hospital since 2017. So in a lot of ways things have improved greatly over the years, however bringing up the traumas from my past in therapy finally has brought up a lot of negative emotions out the past two weeks. I haven't been doing anything reckless or impulsive anymore, even if sometimes the urges are there, I've learned to control my behavior over the years with therapy and doing a lot mindfulness/meditation/dbt/cbt self help stuff. But these past two weeks have been a literal ****ing tornado in my head and my emotions are all over

I asked my doctor about this awhile back and she said she didn't think so, however I guess the point is I have improved a lot over the years and the meds I'm on do help me. So I have no clue
I'm diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder bipolar type, and panic disorder and those have been my diagnosis for the past 10 years. I do get the euphoric highs and not sleeping and tons of energy periods too and paranoid delusions so maybe it's a combination of things. I have no clue. Anyway, it's been a rough couple of weeks.

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Hows your stomach?

I hope you're able to figure out a solution regarding your therapist Beth I'm sorry you're going through this

I really don’t think your are bpd but if you were I think you’ve worked hard to overcome it. You aren’t drama oriented but the trauma stuff can be ptsd that can be a lot of internal stuff that mimics bpd. You will get though this, you are such a rock.

Thank you nammu I am unsure if I will ever know for sure, but I think you're right that if I ever had it I definitely worked hard to overcome it, or at least the really troublesome symptoms of it, I did do a lot of work over the years in therapy and on my own just to not act on impulses, and stuff like that, not act on every emotion. Nothing specific oriented towards BPD because I was never diagnosed with it that I know of, but I guess I either grew out of it if I ever did have it or all the work I did with therapy, CBT etc has really paid off. I did work really hard to reign in my reckless behavior. I haven't done any of that stuff in 10 years and have stayed out of the hospital since 2017. So I guess that's a good sign.

I am just starting to work on dealing with past trauma though these past two weeks, I guess that is why it's bringing up negative emotions inside. But I'm still not acting on any impulses or doing anything reckless.

I forgot to update about how Christmas went. My sister came over and we exchanged gifts. I got her a nice snowglobe from a local independent bookstore/gift shop, and I got my niece a necklace from her favorite band's merch store. I also gave her one of the pies I made to take home. She texted me yesterday and said it was really good, so I was very happy to hear that. She got me a $25 Fandango gift card which I used to purchase movie tickets for my friend and I to go see Avatar this Thursday evening, she also gave me a $25 UberEats gift card and a nice journal. It was nice having her over for a bit. She was really tired though so I was fine with her staying only a short time, she looked exhausted, she's been working really long shifts.

I forgot that I had an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow so I had to re-schedule my blood donation to January 11th

So I'm excited to go see the new Avatar movie with my friend on Thursday, we're also going to hang out on Sunday, play some games and order Chinese takeout to celebrate the New Year

I hope you all had/are having a good holiday season

The cats are doing well, they love their gifts, they've been playing a lot, pics I took of them today:

Ooo I want to see that movie, avatar too. I forgot all about it. I didn’t sleep last night so I’m not in shape to drive the 30 minutes to another town to see it tonight. Not on these roads yet, they are snow packed. Hopefully next Tuesday. Tuesdays are $5.50 all day! My car is pretty good on gas but still it’s a ways away. Then I need the soda and popcorn. So it adds up. But this is one movie I definitely think would be worth it to see in the theater.

Just an update -- the visit with my psychiatrist went well. He prescribed everything. picked up half my meds today, have to wait till tomorrow for the rest. It'll be fine I guess, at least they are ordered.

Ohhh 😮 that’s great news. Thanks for the update.

I agree with Nammu that the traditional characterization of BPD you may not fit, but I will open up to a story. She's very much true about the mimicking effects of PTSD as well. I was diagnosed with BPD this year and I was at first at odds with the diagnosis. I thought "I don't know..." but we went through the criteria and there are nuanced ways it can manifest and most people, with or without help, tend to get a bit more stable as they age. I will try to find a link to some examples of how it may manifest in a more quiet way, and less of a dramatic way. I had a really nice article a few years back -- just give me some time and I'll send you a PM. Either way, the fact you just are seeking help and just want the best treatment to deal with all your issues is courageous. Some people, like me, sometimes just submit to the idea that "I will suffer". Don't give into that mentality-- you deserve happiness and looking at these aspects that are a bit harder are very important. Keep your chin up.


P.S. BPD isn't a death sentence either -- It has a bad rep and stigma, but when you look into utilizing skills and learning coping mechanisms... you really can be in a better place.

The bentyl they gave me has helped a ton! No major flare
Ups in a few days. I see my dr again in january

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear I’ll be your pocket rider

Thank you

Thank you, I appreciate your input. Yes I have definitely mellowed out as I got older. I'm 28 now and a lot better than I was when I was 12 to 22 years old. I still struggle though especially with the recent discussing of trauma, and I do want to get better, I'm doing whatever I can to improve my mental health, work on my problems and stay stable. BPD definitely does unfortunately have a very bad stigma but I also agree that it's not a death sentence, there are many people with it who work very hard to control and manage their symptoms get better and that is not easy, possibly including myself. If I have it I will accept it, I just want to work on the internal turmoil I've been dealing with from traumas growing up, the dissociation etc I have managed to work hard on stopping all the impulsive and reckless behavior. I just need to work on my mind/internal emotions now. Is the thing you're referring to called quiet BPD? Because I have heard of that

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I will bring everything up again in detail and ask her opinion

Thank you so much

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Brentus Just an update -- the visit with my psychiatrist went well. He prescribed everything. picked up half my meds today, have to wait till tomorrow for the rest. It'll be fine I guess, at least they are ordered.

***Yay!***