New beginning: Diary 3.0

Not much yesterday nor today, dear reader. I go for my walks and such. Tomorrow I will however go to another town to meet a psychiatrist and psychologist. This was many thanks to my mother who stubbornly searched for the help anywhere else except here in this town I’m in. She wants to go to the bottom with all of this. So these people managed to find me a time just like that, and I’m on a appointment already tomorrow.

All this happened so fast and I really wanted that too. It’s though not for free. Far from it. First visit will be $161. Then it will be cheaper. But I don’t care. Because these people seems to be very professional - unlike those I had to meet in my hometown. I’m fed up with eating wrong pills, I’m fed up getting treated bad. I’m fed up getting in to the hospitals and being examined and treated like a Guinea pig. So if these people from the other town is the key to all of this - then I’m all in.

All this is having an impact on my mind, how I can’t sleep normally because all of these events. The moment I close my eyes then I start to see everything I was through during September-October. That I was at different facilities for 1,5 months. That they tested me with all kind of tests, humiliated me with it and so on. That I was helpless. Alone. It’s a f—king miracle that I’m still here, and can tell You what I went through. So that is I welcome that help from the professional psychologist and psychiatrist. To examine me and to help me for real.

Now I’ve wrote one of those big posts I used to write here in the past. But it had a purpose, and that is to give you the big picture on how things can easily fall apart, then suddenly an helping hand offers to help you for real. With real help. The help you wanted for years but never got. And remember for yourself too, dear reader:

"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door." - Milton Berle

Skickat från min iPhone med Tapatalk

What an extraordinary day. Yesterday I was suppose to see this new psychiatrist, but due to very bad weather I cancelled. And went today instead. It really was the best visit I had for years. Years! The psychiatrist was although expensive - but he knew exactly what to pinpoint and what guidance to give.

He understood fully through what hell I went last year. And he was upset over those morons in hospital, how they treated me and so on. So now I will be seeing him.

I don’t know yet what this will lead to. But so far I can see two things: one - I’m definitely not alone in this that hospitals are careless jerks, and two - my diagnosis will be yet again proven. But this time from professional doctors - not EU-doctors or any other that is not doing their job. So I will be involved in a investigation so they will investigate what kind of disorder do I have: bipolar type 1, bipolar unspecified (my current status) or PTSD with depression.

For the first time in my live, folks, I feel as I’m more alive than ever. That I finally understand myself and understand how I can prevent upcoming events from even start happening. This two hour talk today made me almost as complete a new man. Just from talk. Can you freakin’ believe it? It helped me more than those drugs! Same drugs that will now be investigated too since I might be overdosing them (I should’ve get much lower dose right after I was discharged from the hospital).

But there is hope people. And with hope comes faith. I told him how I struggle with my sleep every now and then. How - when I shut my eyes and trying to sleep - all this hell I was going through comes and hits me, and haunts me. That I last night used for the first time zopiclone. Now I feel totally different after todays meeting. Before I could invest money in my car and other crap, but never in myself. Now, that I don’t have any car at all, I will invest money completely in myself. And by investing - that means going to private psychiatry. Something I should’ve done long time ago.

Have a great day or good night, dear reader. And take care!

Skickat från min iPhone med Tapatalk

Today I was stuck in a snowstorm. Luckily I was at home. I could barely go to the grocery store. B-a-r-e-l-y. Well outdoors it was a blizzard. I was basically at home afterwards, couldn’t go anywhere. Then I went out again, took my big shovel and cleaned the parking area that is outside the house. And the car. It took me almost two hours since the snow was so deep, but I did it. I had my Spotify on with my 1980:s rock (and glam-rock of course). I plowed down to the tarmac itself.

Now? Now I feel wonderful. Some back-pain, but it seems that it’s just little exercise-feel. So I didn’t needed the gym today. And now I will make myself some nighttime-tea, a yoga-tea that I always do. To relax, find my mind and have an easy sleep. I hope your Thursday was also great, dear reader.

Skickat från min iPhone med Tapatalk

As I predicted, the snow just as easy it came with piles and piles now is starting to disappear due to warmer and rainy weather. That this climate can be this tricky is kind of enigma. In Czechia - it was 15 C (59 F), so people there took the opportunity and went out to swim. Outdoors. This climate change is not going well.

Tomorrow I’m going to visit a psychiatrist and hopefully my medicines will be changed. In Friday I met the psychologist (always am confused with these terms). So tomorrow it is the psychiatrist. Hopefully (!) this new adjustment (if he helps me with it) will make my life much better than it currently is.

Have a nice evening/day, dear reader.

Skickat från min iPhone med Tapatalk

I'm so happy to see you've returned, Hexagon. I've thought of you many times and wondered how you were feeling. I will say that you sound less burdened than you did when you initially joined the forum. Much less so.

It's nice to know that you have all of Led Zeppelin's albums. I grew up during the 1970's and love me some Zep! I consider Jimmy Page one of the greatest guitarists ever. Him, Jimi Hendrix, Stevie Ray Vaughn.

Thank you for the kind words, dear Beth. I am doing (thankfully) positive progress each day. I was a wreck when I joined the forum here, how many times I felt ill because of the past job and it’s situation I was in. Now I have learned how to keep myself in one piece.

Zeppelin are really something special. They captured so many generations and will do so for many, many years. And Jimi Hendrix, especially. Jimmy Page still influence children to play guitar. Sad that they couldn’t perform again, like they did couple of years ago using John Bonham’s son as their drummer.

Skickat från min iPhone med Tapatalk

So I finally met this new private doc (psychiatrist). It went all well, dear reader. He was so professional and really devoted this time to help me out. That kind of help I haven’t got since I don’t know when. Like - never. Yes, first visit was expensive, but I didn’t cared. He adjusted the medicine too, so now I’ll use olanzapine 5mg instead of 10 - so I don’t am slow as a zombie when I wake up at 8 am.

I am full with positive vibes from both of these visits: first with an private psychologist and now this guy. And people visit him even in Sundays. All kind of ages too (an elder granny was next visitor). Afterwards I felt so good, that I finally found the help I wanted for so many years. Real help. And these gentlemen was so kind so I can phone them for free and talk to them for 30 (!) min. Just wow! Talk about caring!

Now I sit in the couch and am about to make myself night-tea, watching “Salvage Hunters” with Drew Pritchard on Discovery Channel. I feel so relieved, relaxed and for the first time I will probably get good night sleep too.

Skickat från min iPhone med Tapatalk

That is wonderful - both psychologist and psychiatrist being good guys and hopefully, excellent medical professionals. I wish you all the very best with them!

Yes, John Bonham's son has inherited his father's talent. Remarkable.

Today I was helping my retired dad to buy a new freezer, since the one my folks had for 14 years is singing on its last verse. But imagine that - 14 years without any hassle? So in my dad’s car, go and borrow a trailer, clean it all from the old snow (since the rental-company was too lazy to clean it themselves) and off to the store. Thing is my dad bought it yesterday, one day earlier that it was on sever discount.

We went there outside, and home. I know that I have bit boring being for myself since I’m not still ready for work (even if I want it, but my docs doesn’t). But on the other flip, spending my time with my dad that’s makes me happy inside. That we can go for a walk or something. However I miss my colleagues and the children. Health is though more important, but every day that went by I missed those kiddies more and more.

Hopefully, my government-doctor will meet me next week (since they told me “in the beginning of January” and that I was “first priority”). But we’ll see. Now I wish you an wonderful start at the week, dear reader. And take care.

Skickat från min iPhone med Tapatalk

Well, today was a bit busy day. I went to my local barber for a beard-trim. Since we know each other since 2016, he gives me always cheap price. And he yet again did an amazing job. And if I’m not happy, I can just drop by and he will fix again. Afterwards me and my dad went for a 5km (3,1mi) walk through the woods. So relaxing it was. The snow have melted but at some parts on the road though the woods, the snow was there.

After this we took a cup coffee and talked. Later on the day, I helped him with the new freezer he bought. It was bit tricky to fix it and make it fully operational - since the opening-side was supposed to be moved from left to right (Electrolux has such option). And it went well. Imagine if you could do that with cars - moving instead of a door but a wheel from right to left).

Now I’m preparing myself for the sleep. Still up and watch Gold Rush on Discovery Channel. Have a good day/good night dear reader.

Skickat från min iPhone med Tapatalk

Dear reader. I hope you are all well and that you started this new year good. These days can be tricky in the beginning - or like a puzzle - ready to be solved piece by piece. So far it has been well for me. But it’s chaos with doctors. Unless I don’t go with a private doc, I will wait for a long time now. It’s troubling me, because in February I will start to work. And I don’t have any proper plan so far from my government doctor - nothing.

But this is everywhere in my country. This new right-winged government is doing it best to even make the situation from bad to worse. I have just now plan not to go to the hospital at all, but focus on my wellbeing and that I step by step reunite with my colleagues and start working again.

Yesterday I went to the gym - and, despite my injury from last week - I managed to do more than well. I just need to get the grip for the rest of the days (three to go, four gym-days per week). First and foremost I only compete against none but myself, and trying to breaching my goals. As bonus I get also boost in my health.

Today it was a good day too. I went over 5km (3,1mi) and for 58 minutes. The fastest I ever done. I wish you a great Thursday, dear reader.

Skickat från min iPhone med Tapatalk

I get now constantly nightmares on those events I was bin last year during my hospital stay. I talked with my psychologist a bit about this, but since it was my first visit with this private psychologist, I didn’t manage to find time to explain this for him more in detail.

I don’t know how to battle my sleep. These thoughts, these nightmares. I take my pills just as they told me to, I’m not sloppy - I have all my pills in a medicine box that are sorted per day (morning and evening). So now as days goes by and I have wait for my government psychiatrist (doc) to give me an appointment, I kind of struggle with this. Trying to relax before my bedtime even with teas.

I know I have to process all this that I went through last year, but I rather not process this in bed, at night, when I try to sleep and when sleeping is really important. Important that I have my eight hours sleep. But tomorrow is a new day, so I’ll see how it will be. Take care of you dear reader. And have an wonderful weekend.

Skickat från min iPhone med Tapatalk

One thought, dear reader, that always crossed my mind is what would happen if I uncovered my mental illness in public. On Facebook. And to all of my friends, relatives and such. Very few knows what I actually have (on paper bipolar “unspecified”, until my private psychologist last week explained that I have bipolar type 2). And especially regarding that my last job had such negative impact on my mental health (despite that my former boss knew all about this and went even on meeting even with a doctor with me).

Question is: shall I live like I do and keep it in a special, secret circle? Or not? My mom told me about this and that it has its - cons. And only cons. That people will never ever see me as I once was. But a part of me just say “go for it” and “relieve the burden”. However, it’s easy said than done, living in a country where people on media talks a lot about mental illness and show kindness and support, while reality is much, much different. I don’t know anymore, to be honest.

I’m thinking if you start to date people, when is that right moment to say what you really have in your luggage? Or will you scare them away? And if you decide to tell them later in the relationship, what will the consequences be? That is why I was single all this time. I had relationships, but never long lasting. And now I’m at that point that I might tell my status and diagnosis, if that lady is very much interested with me. Instead of telling much later - or telling its “just depression”.

Well, no easy text here this time, dear reader. Perhaps it’s those difficult texts that is those I might learn from. That I share my knowledge and experience with You here, even if it’s under an pseudonym. Have a nice Saturday, dear reader.

Skickat från min iPhone med Tapatalk

Sunday evening. So much has passed since I came home last year from the hospital. All that progress I’ve made. To experience something that was so horrible, probably the worst ever. And to be part of an treatment that more looked like 1940s experiments. It’s unbelievable that I even speak up about this, and this was Sweden. 2022.

Now that I look back, I can’t still help thinking about my poor parents. Their son, just 38, being treated like that. Humiliated. And everything was based on that I declined my parents to visit me, that I was in “bad mood” to the treaters and caretakers (those who are one rang bellow nurses), “didn’t wanted” to take medicines - so they gave me that in needles (read sleeping-treatment). All notorious lies they told me and then other lies to my parents. And that I pulled me up, from all of this crap. That is unforgettable, and that is why it will be part of me for a long time.

So it’s no wonder why I sometimes wake up at 3 am, after getting some of those flashbacks even in my dreams. I know that the brain needs to process all of this, and that best medicine is to talk about it with some professional. And that is why I took contact this year. To take control of all of this, with some help from my parents.

Yet, I see hope. No matter how dark stuff I went through, no matter how all hope seemed to be gone, I saw an window with openings. And we all need windows with openings - even if it’s only one. Cause that is how you will be remoulded again, to be a stronger person with strong character. To be wiser, to see ahead those singles before you get burned - or dipped. No one have to suffer for decades. There is help out there. And that is why I, dear reader, will after best possible way, try to guide you here and in this forum how to live your life. How to enjoy it and how to embrace it. I might be young, but I have lot of experience - for good and bad.

Skickat från min iPhone med Tapatalk

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hexagon ... Question is: shall I live like I do and keep it in a special, secret circle? Or not? My mom told me about this and that it has its - cons. And only cons. That people will never ever see me as I once was. But a part of me just say “go for it” and “relieve the burden”. However, it’s easy said than done, living in a country where people on media talks a lot about mental illness and show kindness and support, while reality is much, much different. I don’t know anymore, to be honest....

I believe that all of us with a mental illness ask the question you are asking. And we ask it over and over, again. I have had a few times when I thought I would take the chance and disclose my mental illness to even a few people. But then I would think the same way your mom does, that people will see me as my mental illness before they see the real me. Also, people sometimes use mental illness as a weapon. Such as, You are doing 'this' only because you are crazy. For me, the hurt of that is almost unbearable.

So, as you can guess I have decided to keep my diagnosis to myself, in almost all cases. But, some are very open and things go fine with that, too.

All in all, your question is a good one to ask. I wish the answer was also easy.

I'm sorry you had such a rough time with being in the hospital, Hex. The last time I was inpatient it was for only 24 hours. Nevertheless, I felt I was imprisoned even though I had not committed a crime. The psychiatrist was sadistic. Most nurses were indifferent, only 2 were truly kind and helpful.

Thank you for your metaphor about the windows. Or even one window. It is a beautiful image and an important one to hold in my mind.

It is sometimes shocking, what can happen even in our contemporary times.

Spot on. No wonder why I have hard nights to fall asleep, having all nightmares and can wake up 2- or 3am. While those idiots who did this to me continues to work same methods but on other poor b-stards.

Skickat från min iPhone med Tapatalk

Dear reader. Monday, the first day of another new week. I woke up - as usual 10 am (many thanks to 5mg of olanzapine) - and took the day as it was. Right after the another late breakfast with oat porridge (some Arabian dates, bananas in it), I took of for a whooping 6km (3,73mi) power-walk. The sun was there with me too. What a lovely day.

Now that it’s evening, I wonder and worry me a bit on how my sleep will be. I am drinking loads of these caffeine free bedtime-teas. I am literally doing everything to have some great sleeping and that I don’t get any nightmares from my visit in the hospital. I’m not sure what else I will do. If this week gets another screw-up, I need to phone my private psychiatrist and have a talk. Or an another appointment. But another part of me says to keep calm and wait a bit. I do talk with my parents about this, and thankfully they explain and bring me positive feedback. That I stay as positive as I can be - even if it’s hard.

I may sound as I’m “Mr. Negative Man” now, but it’s that some people forget and stops remembering what happened in the past. And some not. Especially when my memory is almost intact, that it does that I can remember almost everything that happened in the past (with exception of some minor gaps). My recommendation to you, dear reader, is to walk. Walk, walk and walk. Walk to the woods, to a park. Walk anywhere, but walk. And keep walking. Flush all negative thoughts out and recharge yourself.

Skickat från min iPhone med Tapatalk

Today it was off to the gym. I had this now for two months, and now I regularly go four times a week. My goal is to stay healthy as much as I can. That means no tobacco no nothing. Especially not beer or any alcoholic drinks. I notice that a lot of people do same as I, just go to the gym and feel good. Both young, middle aged and elder. Age has no numbers at the gym.

I haven’t heard yet from my government psychiatrist (doc). That promise that I would’ve get appointment week 2 (since I was in the “priority list”) just proves that they never ever kept their word. But they sure as hell made sure I always obeyed them no matter what. And that is the power of hierarchy some lunatic doctors have here. It’s sometimes questionable and shocking on how the hell they even became doctors, working in clinics and hospitals to treat people’s mental illnesses - the most vulnerable illness there is.

I’m sorry that I have to bring this crap up every now and then, dear reader. But it’s these kind of events that people are literally afraid to step their foot into a hospital. To have an incompetent and incomplete staff around you. But now I have plans. Plans to stay well, take my days step by step and get back to my work. And never ever go to become burned out. To live the life and embrace those years I have left. Despite that my 20s and 30s were a mess, I have many more to embrace and enjoy from. And I hope you do that too, dear reader.

Skickat från min iPhone med Tapatalk

Well, it was two busy days. Smacked in the middle of the week. I can start that I had yesterday a blast. Went to my swimming centre to had relax bath at jacuzzi-spa (I pay for this monthly including the swimming), but this time I went straight for the 25-meter (82 foot) tall. Not an Olympic swimming pool but still - good enough. So I started to swim 82 foot (25m) back and fourth. FIVE times. FIVE. Afterwards, when my heart and muscles calmed a bit down, I went to the spa and had a great relax in the jacuzzi. There’s even a fireplace there, sauna, cold pool - you name it.

And today I went to the gym to work on my back plus triceps. I can’t believe that some exercises that I started to do last year in December, I haven’t done them since 2019. 2019! My goodness…! So all in all it was a good week, dear reader. Almost. Cause I still wait for my psychiatrist (doc) to invite me for a meeting. Two weeks late. So tomorrow (I hade a freakin’ enough) I’ll visit them instead - uninvited. And speak with any nurse there about this idiotic delay. If you can’t keep the promise, why make a promise in a first place? Not once, but TWICE?

Yes I’m clearly upset, and I don’t care if they take notes (if they are so damn pathetic). But if they want me to send me to work in February, then these morons here needs to step up and make a progress! Anyway, soon it’s weekend and I’ll find something around to enjoy with. Btw: I will go and see Metallica again! Yay! Last time it was 2015, in Gothenburg. Now it’s in June. It’s gonna be awesome!

Skickat från min iPhone med Tapatalk

Friday. My day started that some nurse from my local outpatient clinic called me regarding the government psychiatrist (doctor) that my ordinary nurse was suppose to get an appointment with early in January. Now that they are three weeks late and I need certificate for my boss (the paper that says how much I can work, which is 50% to start with), they have run out all of excuses. So that means I still don’t know when will my appointment be - more than I now can wait for if another patient drops his/hers appointment so I can take it.

I’m not sure what to do anymore. It’s tight now, and my parents are so upset over those morons here. I’m considering to walk myself right in on Monday and demand at sight one time. Cause I don’t know what to do anymore.

I hope your week was good, dear reader. And I am wishing you an lovely weekend. For me, tomorrow will start to refill my batteries at that swimming-centre, go for a swim-ride with my friend, then relax-spa in jacuzzi. Since I’m monthly paying (not that expensive) for it it’s silly not to use. Have a great evening/day too!

Skickat från min iPhone med Tapatalk

I hope you had a nice weekend, dear reader. Yesterday I was visiting my private psychologist. It was a difficult visit for me, speaking of my past and tore up those old wounds. Today I couldn’t wait anymore for my contact nurse. So I went to the hospital and demanded (kindly) to speak with the section-doc who had me as patient last year. It was very hasty little meet but he promised to give me my medical certificate for my boss (who by the way called me last week in Saturday and was wondering about this).

And just as I came home, after all this was sorted (kind of) out, my nurse calls me. And I only hear apologies - no solution - where I needed this medical certificate before January 27th (our Swedish Insurance Agency had this on me since last year and this moron of a nurse was well aware of this already in December). So it’s still a mess, but not as big as before. Because that nurse fixed me a time with a doctor - but that was in 9th February and way late after January 27:th-deadline, that the moron KNEW since December last year.

Now I was asked by the hospital-doc when I wanted to go back to work again, and I told her next week. But it will be 25% only (for some time). So as I said, things are getting sorted out and I’m set to go to my work and meet my boss to plan for next and upcoming weeks. I’m excited over this and I hope for the best now. Fingers crossed…

Skickat från min iPhone med Tapatalk

Time flies. It seems that it was ages I was hospitalised, but it wasn’t. That I’m still here, and soon be working again, is unbelievable. I have made such record-fast progress now. And recovery. Now here it’s night, 9:40 pm-ish. And as always, many thoughts cross my mind before the sleep. Some are just thoughts, but some are fragments of or full memories. Sometimes they are clear, sometimes not. That is why I have that backup - Zopiclone - in case it gets too much. I don’t eat entire of the pill (which is 7,5mg), but I chop it in half (3,25mg).

I know that my brain wants to process all this I was going through last year. It’s just when you’re alone, in your bedroom and trying to get some sleep, it’s kind of bad time to trying remembering all of this. Especially for me who needs my sleep.

I do have my mindfulness-app on (the sound-app called “White Noise”), and to be honest, I’m not sure what I would’ve done without it. I hope I get over this period, that I can just fall asleep without thinking or remembering. I have to have some faith in myself, even if it’s many times easier said than done. But tomorrow is a new day.

Skickat från min iPhone med Tapatalk

Today I talked with my boss on how to do a comeback to the work. And I’ll start 25% for two weeks, then switch to 50%. I’m looking forward to come back, to work with those wonderful kids and have fun again. Sadly, one dear colleague decided to quit for another job. Lots of changes has happened since I was gone. I will start on Monday.

I also struggle sometimes with my sleep. Even if it was better last night. I just need to flush all memories and thoughts out, and catch my sleep. Then it’s no problem for me to reach deep sleep. It’s just that “tiny” thing that I need to do, to relaxing and release all tension and everything my mind cross up with while I’m starting to sleep. Call it a tactic or whatever you will, but I have to have that.

Tomorrow is my last day being at home. I’m not sure what I will do. Probably go for a walk and later at gym. I need lots of hard exercise, because I will sleep even better. Take care of yourself, dear reader.

Skickat från min iPhone med Tapatalk