Same thoughts

Look I know deep down I have a mental illness but I’m doing so good I feel like maybe I accidentally fake it and don’t really need these meds? This isn’t the first time I’ve questioned why bother with meds when I feel so good. I know I should stay on them but it’s seems pointless.

Is my brain playing tricks on me again?

My dad died 16 years ago today. Where has the time gone?

Just have a question for you. You’re in grad school, you’ve jot a job that you like. Do you want to chance losing that by quitting the meds? Sure it’s just a chance, but what if you blow this chance? Are you willing to take that risk?

Yes, your mind is paying tricks on you. It is typical and you know that, deep down. Especially considering that you have the psychotic component to your illness, you must stay on meds. And look, Lybalvi is not even weight-gaining for you. Lucky you!!

As Nammu has pointed out, you have a LOT to lose by messing things up now.

Don't mess things up!

Oh guys I’m not gonna stop em. I’m fact checking a lot. Just these thoughts slip in my mind as I’ve been mostly “normal Hallie” for over three years now . Just keep thinking maybe I was unintentionally faking it all.

Ugh why brain why

I have been normal on well-fitting medications for over 5 years now, but 6+ years ago I was so manic so due to not eating and taking a shower and washing my hair for days if not weeks, I had fruit flies around my hair. I did not realize I had, but I recently reviewed the progress notes from that hospitalization and to my horror read that. I have curly, easily tangled hair and the first thing that goes out the window when I escalate into mania is my ability to take care of it. Happened several times, during 2013, 2015, 2017 hospitalizations. But to the best of my knowledge, only once to the point of having fruit flies.

Now, looking at me, you would never guess that it happened in the past. But it did. So, even though sometimes I think that I must be well and do not need medications, the medical records paint a very different story.

In terms of why brain why, well, that is actually a hallmark of the illness that you do not think you have it.

Keep reality testing and fact checking.

You're feeling better because of the meds - they are working and doing their job.

It's kind of like being out in the rain under an umbrella. You're not wet so you feel that you can go without the umbrella. As soon as you remove it, you start to get wet. The umbrella was doing its job when it was over you.

Hang on to the umbrella and keep doing well!