Muddyboots's Miscellaneouses

*comes over and sits with muddyboots to look after her*

awww thanks @felineangel you're such a sweetheart but I got it under control

you deserve kindness, muddy

CW just came and took all my meds away except for the morning dose and watched me take tonights meds. I did not like the feeling. Just another thing I'm not in control of I guess...
and she didn't even leave me any of my sleepy meds (ativan/belsomra) because of the drinking so it's not like I get a chance to sleep tonight, especially considering I mixed my alcohol with caffeine (****).

Ever say "I'll have just one drink" and then look at the bottle and it's almost empty? Yeah....I don't have a problem at all....

I remember that happening to me. I didn’t drink but they decided I wasn’t safe with even a weeks worth of meds. Made me feel very small,…and angry

I regularly have my meds in someone else's control. It sucks, I'm sorry.

I don't know what to do.
I feel paralyzed.
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I don't even remember what my pdoc said in terms of meds other than the med management thing. I think I agreed to taking Naltrexone and Effexor?

Welp that was another all-nighter. Probably should not have made a playlist to fuel "restriction willpower" but what tf else was I gonna do? The crisis line lady said to listen to music... and write, which I did. About how much I hate the ******* moon. That mocking moon.
I'm even splitting on the fking night sky.

I am really NOT happy with the situation. I know i don't remember much but I swear to god my pdoc said she was putting me on effexor and naltrexone. Well, apparently she just switched out my Ativan for Klonopin, which is good because klonopin makes me sleepy. Only it's scheduled so it's with all my other night meds that they watch me take at 5. Which get delivered at 5. So around 6:30-7ish I was like "screw this" and took the Belsomra (which they trust to take at bedtime) and went to bed. Well now it's 8pm and I am wide awake. S hasn't even gone to bed yet!!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

And a couple weeks ago I swear she said she was upping my Abilify but that never happened. Now, I know I'm a little off considering I saw like 200 geese and then passed out in the road and probably hit my head about 10 times over the past few weeks, but I think she's lying to me. I think she's trying to make me think I'm crazy.

And all ****ing day I've been worried about the guitarist that I fked repeatedly from this band that I saw in Concord. Things got complicated (don't they always!?) and all day I've been staring out the window waiting for his band to show up to I looked up this band, and yeah, the electrician they had over had the same sticker on his car as the guitarist!! so I noped da fk outta here, and he even looked similar. Same mustache. Same body wash.

I remember when I used to have my meds monitored. I hated it too. I'm sorry.

My pdoc said to call her if I have another all nighter or sleep less than two hours after my second day of med changes. I had an all-nighter the first night and slept like 5-20 minutes 3 or 4 times last night. Yeah, Belsomra's a ****ing great med even at triple the dose...
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So I'm looking at my sleep log and I've slept about 2 hours (in no more than 30 minute segments) over the past three nights.
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I don't even know if I'm going to call. What's the point.

How are you doing, muddy?

I think you'd feel ONE MILLION times better if you started getting some decent sleep, so I think you should call your pdoc. There has to be other sleepy meds you can try. What has worked for you in the past?

They brought over a 40mg geodon capsule with the Belsomra for me to try last night and omg I slept 5 hours. It was broken, but still, it felt so good to not be awake all freaking night.

Zyprexa usually helps me sleep, but when I'm on it I spend most of my time binging+purging and they're afraid if I relapse with Lybalvi I'm going to overdose because the samidorphan blocks the effects of opiates. They're totally fine with me mixing alcohol and opiates with Klonopin though...?

I'm super triggered today because my therapist is a selfish bytch who hates me and doesn't give a fk about her patients and avoids them when they're struggling and she doesn''t know what to do.

Happy to hear you got five hours of sleep, even if it was broken sleep. I imagine that has to feel great!

Zyprexa sucks. I was on Zyprexa for a little bit in my twenties. Let's just say, never again. It is strange they're okay with you mixing alcohol and klonopin though. I mean, that's sorta dangerous? Can't you DIE from that combo?

Alcohol sucks. You don't need alcohol in your life. Kiss alcohol goodbye. Throw it over your fence. Put it in the dumpster. Stay away from the liquor store. HAVE S HOLD YOUR CAR KEYS. You DO NOT want to drive intoxicated!

Sorry your therapist is such a *****. Can you get a new therapist? No point seeing someone who's not going to help.

You can always talk about your troubles on here. We're here for you!

🫂

Too funny! I thought you typed “time signatures” at first!

Yeah, you can die mixing benzos and alcohol or benzos and opiates (and I've had to be treated for both in the past and it's fking scary and torturous). And considering I've never gone more than a year without relapsing on either idk why they insist on me taking benzos every night right now when if they're in my own hands I abuse them, and now that they're not I just get pissed that if I fk up I'm going to die even if I don't intend to. And last night when they gave me my meds they asked me if I had been drinking AFTER I took the Klonopin... (I have not had anything to drink in 3 or 4 days) Well, I know why. They think if I'm sedated af at night I won't call on-call saying I'm having a meltdown and about to kill myself. No, now that happens around 4am when the post-Kpin anxiety/agitation/rage spikes.

I'm pretty much stuck with my therapist. She's the only one for the co-occurring disorders (dd) ACT team.

The thing is she's pretty helpful when I see her, but I feel like sometimes she likes to test my "fear of abandonment." Which, has not improved. So yeah, when I heard I'm not going to see her for another two weeks, and our last few appointments were phone calls (and when you factor in I have no memory of them), yeah, I fking miss her and feel abandoned and got so pissed and felt so rejected and was having all these thoughts like "I'm her most burdensome/difficult/hopeless client she needs a break from me," I SH'd for really stupid reasons, like I thought I'd be punishing her or smething.

My case manager and pdoc both do a little bit of therapy with me, but they have other focuses.

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Ugh. Grocery shopping. I'm still panicking. Did I buy too much? Too little? The wrong stuff?

fk it we can change time sigs too why not?

I don't feel good.

What's wrong?

I haven't eaten & heldd anything down other than an instant breakfast since Friday so just feeling really out of it