Muddyboots's Miscellaneouses

Yeah, you can die mixing benzos and alcohol or benzos and opiates (and I've had to be treated for both in the past and it's fking scary and torturous). And considering I've never gone more than a year without relapsing on either idk why they insist on me taking benzos every night right now when if they're in my own hands I abuse them, and now that they're not I just get pissed that if I fk up I'm going to die even if I don't intend to. And last night when they gave me my meds they asked me if I had been drinking AFTER I took the Klonopin... (I have not had anything to drink in 3 or 4 days) Well, I know why. They think if I'm sedated af at night I won't call on-call saying I'm having a meltdown and about to kill myself. No, now that happens around 4am when the post-Kpin anxiety/agitation/rage spikes.

I'm pretty much stuck with my therapist. She's the only one for the co-occurring disorders (dd) ACT team.

The thing is she's pretty helpful when I see her, but I feel like sometimes she likes to test my "fear of abandonment." Which, has not improved. So yeah, when I heard I'm not going to see her for another two weeks, and our last few appointments were phone calls (and when you factor in I have no memory of them), yeah, I fking miss her and feel abandoned and got so pissed and felt so rejected and was having all these thoughts like "I'm her most burdensome/difficult/hopeless client she needs a break from me," I SH'd for really stupid reasons, like I thought I'd be punishing her or smething.

My case manager and pdoc both do a little bit of therapy with me, but they have other focuses.

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Ugh. Grocery shopping. I'm still panicking. Did I buy too much? Too little? The wrong stuff?

fk it we can change time sigs too why not?

I don't feel good.

What's wrong?

I haven't eaten & heldd anything down other than an instant breakfast since Friday so just feeling really out of it

Can you get your potassium checked? It's really dangerous if that's too low.

How ya doing muddy?

Dear Muddy,
I am sorry for your predicament.
Huby had to lock up my klonipin because I took too many at one time I really wanted to sleep.I think it was 10 mg.Just a bit too much.

I am sorry that you have been struggling. I am glad that you got 5 hours of sleep. still not enough. Have you tried melatonin or camimile tea,They help you sleep or even cbd gummies. or even benadryl pills they are really better than all of the other things I suggested.
good luck sleeping.
bizi

You should take a multivitamin, muddy.

see pdoc friday, idk if shell get it or to do the therapy. cw didnt care yesterday since sleep is there. My BP is hovering around 88/58 sometimes a little higher sometimes a little lower. RestHeart rate aboutu 55. I can sometimes walk fine but i havent left in days for the because that ill get lost or hit my head. soetimes i wanna die but not gonna call anyone.

TW:
The only thing I ate and held down yesterday was an egg. I ate some (two spoonfuls) peanut butter but I purged it and there was more blood than peanut butter but not all ove it came up so its not that bad i guess. i got so desperate for release that i drank a bunch of water and purged that. I had another egg a couple hours ago but I had a couple slices of banana with it and it didnt sit write so i purged it too.

I really don't want to make s go out to the store to a multivitamin buy. the devil will get pissed at me

according to my online portal my potassium minus when i was in the hospital was always at about 3.5

Muddy,

PLEASE go to the hospital! You don't sound like you're doing so well.

Im ok…….

You don't seem like it. I mean, you're not eating and when you do eat a tiny amount you spew it up and there's blood...

In the ed

What's the ed?

Good thoughts to you. Glad you are getting help.

the hospital i believe

emergency department

I hope they help you, muddy

Good luck muddy

Let us know how you're doing when you can!

Lots of loves for muddy

They "stabilized" me medically (lots of electrolyte imbalances, low MPV (I think that's what it's called?) anemic), then IEA'd (regular hospital, apparently there's more than just Concord in NH for involuntary patients. Never knew that) me for SH and SI, where I continued disordered eating which got worse and my potassium got low again. Oh, also my roommate snuck in some PCP laced weed (they can only legally keep us 10 days, and what are they gonna do? Kick us out? Send us to jail which my roommate said was much better) and I got really fked up and had a seizure and my BVC that day was a 6. and I don't know if my psychosis came back/got worse or if the nurses just gaslighted me hardcore. So all and all, good visit

I have an intake appointment for a legitimate eating disorder inpatient Friday.

I did not get into the sober living place. Well, I kinda did, but the waitlist is like 2 years long.

Welcome back Muddy Boots!


Do you know how long from intake it will take to start the ED program?

Welcome back!!

Glad to see you back, muddy!