Bipolar Check-In #78

We'll I have to call tomorrow and see if they were sent out. If not I have to wait until I get back from my parents house. The 20th. Then I have to take them for a week and get an EKG. Then I have the pdocs on the 8th. So we shall see. I'm not telling pdoc any of this. H says pdoc can't help if I'm guarded but he can't help anyway.

Hailie Beth I'm so sorry. Maybe this Shane guy will be good. Is there a cancellation list you can get on? Since they say you need to be seen.

I finally said eff it after putting it off since October and I got my flu and covid shots today. The flu shot was fine. The covid one felt like I was getting my lip pierced again. It hurt like hell. I'm worried about side effects. I do have nausea and a headache. I had a bad cough but a cough drop is helping. We'll see what tommorow brings. Today was the only day that really made sense to get them with my plans these next 2 weeks and things getting bad again.

Hopefully the side effects are just minor.

Yeah they put me on it. but i have a really really really hard time with new providers and this is the second one to leave in a year. i have a difficult time trusting them and i really need help as im not mysfl at all right now. i cant quit freaking crying like a big baby. i have a lot of stuff going on and wish i could just see my regualr pdoc one more time but hes booked solid. he sent me a nice message but i dont have it in my heart to reply today. maybe this new guy will be good-idk. i hope. i just need help.

What a ****** way to treat your patients!! I hope Shane is good. Is there an after-hours number you can call to at least talk with somebody??

Idk what happened but I’ve gone down a really negative spiral in the past few days. I had my ECT treatment on Friday and usually I feel fine aside from tiredness and soreness the next day. My thoughts have taken a pretty negative turn. Lots of SI. I’m really close to buying a pack of cigarettes and I’m only stopping myself because I know RS will be upset. I haven’t smoked since IP last year and I only smoked bc I couldn’t have my nicotine vape. But it’s like the vape isn’t enough and I want to d— anyway so maybe I can get cancer through smoking. I know that’s awful and I know I don’t want cancer and it’s an insult to anyone fighting or passed from cancer to even think that. I’m just desperate for an end.

I’m so tired of being like this. I think the ECT treatment really made me down because I’m just so tired of it. I’m so frustrated that it’s the only thing that keeps me out of depression. I couldn’t remember what I got RS for Christmas and I think that’s what really got me down. Not only that but I have to take five different meds just to keep even and they still don’t work for depression. I’m tired of being this way. I suppose I’d feel the same if I had a physical chronic illness. Sometimes it’s just enough already.

I’ve had SI for probably about a month now. Mostly passive but still. I don’t understand why people want to live. Like people are actually scared of dying and I don’t get that. I would welcome it. I’m only here for my son.

I don’t know. I’m just so tired. And I can’t tell RS any of this, it will just scare him. I see my therapist tomorrow. I don’t really see how she could help. I see my pdoc on Wednesday too, but again, I don’t see how he could help. It’s clear medication does **** all for me.

I’m over it.

Damned pharmacy tech cared more about going home on time than anything else! Thanks to his laziness I never picked up my new med for sleep and even after taking Benadryl I’m still awake. I give up.

Well… I’m not really doing so well since Richard retired. Sudden retirement due to health so no closure. 14 years together. I check the obituaries in his town every couple days. It’s just hard

I work hours a day on my Diamond art. I have a huge elephant one. We binge watch stuff. I try to stay busy busy. I am staying in bed to much but it’s been cold and who wants to leave a comfortable warm bed ?? Not me !

Steve’s got to have a heart echo done Wednesday and then wear a holter Monitor for 48 hours.

We have our plans ready to head down to see the kids the 22nd and plan to head home late Christmas night.

DREADING the entire trip.

Here’s my latest Diamond Art I finished . I might actually mount it on foam
board and hang it.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

~Christina- WOW that's gorgeous. I'm so you're having trouble. Lean on us if you want/need to.

I wish the kids could travel up to see you two at your home. That trip is so hard on you.

I am SO sick again. Oh my god. I have a nasty *** cold or whatever ****ing illness this is. I have a sore throat and runny nose and horrible hacking cough. I hate being sick. So BOOHOO. I took some cold medicine. It's helping some. (I DID NOT take sudafed!!!!)

I met with my pdoc today.

We discussed changing out Latuda for Vraylar - she's researching how to do the switchover since I'm already on 2 antipsychotics.

Does anyone know about an insurance debit card thing? I guess they put money on it each month for certain OTC stuff. Idk but it will come in handy if its legit.

I had about 5 hours of really bad side effects from the shots. Nausea and a headache and fatigue and vertigo. I feel better now.

I have this song stuck in my head about how somebody commented that the other person looks like Janet Reno. It was not a flattering comment. I told my mom about it and she was all like "thats not nice. Janet Reno accomplished a lot even if she wasn't attractive looking." Lol.

I got a lot done today. Loads of clothes and towels and sheets, all washed and put away, new sheets on the bed. Recycling done, garbage thrown. Dishes all caught up. Just have a shower left to do. That I’ll do before bed. Tomorrow I’ll vacuum and dust.

Just changed the air freshener to pine and as soon as it dark I’m lighting the candles and turning on the Christmas lights. Feels a bit more like Christmas.

Yesterday when I chatted with people in the community room I found out many of us with cars and plans on Christmas are not going if the weather is bad. So we were thinking of ordering a pizza and celebrating just the same. But so far the long range forecast says dry and above normal temperatures. So we’ve got plans no matter what Minnesota throws at us.

I’m not doing well. I’ve felt manic most of the day and I’ve been super irritable with everyone. I put a call in to my psych nurse practitioner but of course she never called me back. I can hardly describe the way I am feeling tonight except that solitude is not my friend. I picked up the Rozerem. Lots of bad side effects listed. Lack of sleep and mentally not being able to even get comfortable enough to sleep is really doing a number on my psyche. I despise the psych ER especially at night. The only thing grounding me tonight is a CD of Russel Oberlin singing Händel. His smooth vocal production is soothing. S.B. and C.S. have stopped responding to my texts. I’ve really gone and done it now.

Edit: S.B. called and we had a wonderful conversation about how I’ve been feeling. I cried. I feel like I’ve been having a life crisis. I didn’t know that so much was weighing on my mind.

My dumb covid and flu shot reactions came back suddenly. The nausea and some light headness and muscle aches. I took my blood pressure after feeling sick and it was 124/89. I waited half an hour and it was then 96/79. My mom says those numbers aren't bad.

I was hesitant to get the shots because I was worried about having reactions. Hopefully this is the worst it gets.

Mary Joseph Jesus and Moses does this suck. I can't get out of bed at all now. My mom brought me some Tylenol. Everything hurts

I'm hoping tommorow I'll be perfectly fine.

I feel like I did when I had surgery. I took tylenol and a dramamine. Maybe I need to eat. I haven't eaten much since lowering my topamax and going vegetarian. I've lost several pounds.

Yeah. Having actual covid with 2 vaccines and a booster was easier to deal with then this **** reaction I'm having. Triple tums, double tylenol, and double dramaimine and some of a pita bread aren't doing much.

The urges are so strong tonight I can’t do this

It feels like bugs are crawling on me. Satan is causing this by messing with my mind

Thunder storms. Blew electricity. No internet no iPad for my son. He’s been a pain. I don’t know how to entertain him.

Horrible night. Fell asleep with new drug okay but woke up again 3 hours later at 1 a.m. unable to sleep. Convinced myself that I was having a horrible reaction to the drug- angio edema- and then proceeded to have a panic attack. Oh that warm flush feeling of dread! I tried watching Netflix but I couldn’t after the panic attack set in. I called my Pdoc who wanted to put me on lithium! Several years ago I had lithium toxicity so I’m not going down that road again! waiting for another call back.

They put me on Depakote now. I won’t stay on it long term - I just can’t gain another 50 pounds! Still supposed to take the Rozerem.