[HALLIEBETH87]

I have been craving he feeling and sensatin from self harming. i feel like it would fix me. i havnt done it in 3.5 years and i know its unhealthy but even klonopin isnt helping this feeling inside me. but whats stopping me is im on blood thinners. i dont know how dangerous it would be to self cut on blood thinners so its stopping me. but today was my last dose of those. what will stop me tomorrow?

[HALLIEBETH87]

also..... had to go to the ER on thanksgiving day for phlebitus nd coughing up blood. i was fine but the CT scan showed a mildly enlarged heart. should i see my pcp for follow up fo r this?

[BeyondtheRainbow]

If it helps the blood thinner will be in your body for a while so you can keep using it to keep yourself safe.

I would see my PCP about an enlarged heart. He may refer you to a cardiologist but I think that is the place to start.

I hope the new med kicks in soon and you feel better.

Good luck with your paper!

[HALLIEBETH87]

thanks. ive gotten fourpages so far and only starting 3 of 5 parts. its pretty easy its abut ethical dilemmas and using the NASE code of ethics.

[HALLIEBETH87]

i really wish i could utilize a crsis line but i cant cause theyll send the cops

[MuddyBoots]

You could still call and tell them you're struggling but not tell them you PLAN on hurting yourself but have urges and they won't call the cops. Really emphasize that you won't do it and do your best to come up with alternative coping skills with them.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

You could still call and tell them you're struggling but not tell them you PLAN on hurting yourself but have urges and they won't call the cops. Really emphasize that you won't do it and do your best to come up with alternative coping skills with them.

I jus layed in bed until I fell asleep eventually. Its better today. Not ruminating as much..yet.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm glad it's better today.

[HALLIEBETH87]

thanks. im still having the urges and feel scik with anxiety

[HALLIEBETH87]

I had t stop the trintelllix because i was throwing up from the nausea it caused. satan is full in attack mode for me. my fiance was gonna go to church with me today and he ruined that. long story. i got a c in my class even though i tried really hard on every assignment whihc means i cant start my practicum in january now. how embarassing. i feel like just quitting everything and holing up in my room away from everyone and all their expectations of me. i feel like giving up my near four years of being self harm free and giving in. i try so hard NOT to do it. why does it even matter?ive been crying all evening. i wish i didnt have to hide my messy breakdown. i cant even just be depressed. i wont see my pdoc again until august. hes now part time and that was his soonest though i am on cancellation list. who knows. i mesaged them about having to stop the trintellix. asked for something-anything else. didnt tell them details. too afraid to. i see my t again tuesday but i feel like cancelling.

[Victoria'smom]

Please don't cancel.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Originally Posted by Victoria'smom

Please don't cancel.

I really wish I could go and just throw it all out but I know what will happen. he will say i need IP and i dont. im not suicidal or anything. yes ive been picking my skin but not using sharps. i just wishi didnt have to hide it from everyone

[Victoria'smom]

Tell him you don't need IP but xyz. I think providers are to fast with IP. I hope you can find the words to tell him what needs to be said without IP.

[Tart Cherry Jam]

So sorry about that C, after all your efforts in class.

[raspberrytorte]

Originally Posted by Victoria'smom

Please don't cancel.

I agree. Please don't cancel, Hallie.

[HALLIEBETH87]

my heart is pounding really hard and fast, and im freaked out by it

[HALLIEBETH87]

i have a mildly enlarged heart according to my dr. i see her follow up on wednesday. ugh. hope its nothing serious

[HALLIEBETH87]

i feel like my tears could flood this room im in. i wish i could go home.

[HALLIEBETH87]

and im seeng bright silver stars exploding around me

[HALLIEBETH87]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND now everything has gone to ****. my psychiatrist is insisting i be seen by a collegue as he is going part time and says i need t be seen by someone sooner than he can. i hate this

[raspberrytorte]

That really sucks, Hallie

My pdoc is also part time. Only works Wednesdays. It's very frustrating. I dread the day he actually retires completely!

Maybe you'll like your new pdoc. He could be very good.

It sucks trintillex didn't work out for you.

Hopefully the next antidepressant they put you on will do wonders!

🫂

[HALLIEBETH87]

i feel lie satan is attacking my mind and heart making me wantt o self harm. i cant go in my shower bc i might do it. i will throw them away when i feel strong enought o do so. also i feel like drpping out of school. grad school is making me hate mysefl

[Tart Cherry Jam]

This will pass. Pray stay in school! It is a phase. Just recently you posted such confident, self-assured messages. Maybe look for them on this forum as proof that you will get better?

[HALLIEBETH87]

I just don’t feel right. I feel the creepy crawling of bugs on my face and body

[bizi]

I am sorry for the creepy crawly things that you are experiencing.
hold on to reality.This is just a phase. You have to fix this.It is not a religious thing.
bizi