Bipolar Check-in #79

I'm trying to find a new pdoc but I don't think its going to be very easy. My therapist wants me to do gene testing but my meds are fine. I just need to be back on prescribed lamictal and I'll be good.

Therapy was tough today. Just emotionally. We talked about some tough things. Mainly current events. Plus I only got 5 hours of sleep which didn't help. Besides not sleeping well I feel much better physically then I did these last 3 days. My mom is still feeling off though. My therapist also had a bug last week and this week too. She says its this kooky weather.

I'm getting lab work done in the morning to see if my dose needs to be tweaked.

My new med was just approved by my insurance. It has to come by air mail from a speciailty pharmacy several states away. My insurance denied it multiple times but my doctor finally got it covered.

Best of luck if you decide to. I've been considering switching psychiatrist myself. I mean, essentially the man does what he needs to -- he refills my meds because I rarely need changes anymore.... but I just dont feel comfortable with him. He rubs me the wrong way and has said things to me that just didn't sit well in the past. I just think it's important for me to have a doctor I can communicate well with. I don't know, I contemplate switching but the horror of finding someone else, and that I like, may be even worse.

Is care subpar? It could be if I felt i needed changes, yes. Is driving 2 hours away one way every 3 months annoying? Yes. Does the man do his job well enough for me to get my prescriptions? Yes.

I don't know what or where to go with it. But my point was just to say, I understand the want of switching and fearing it won't be easy.

Almost lost my cool and kicked Victoria out. That's not like me but she's pushing to do nothing. If I even suggest SSI h wants her to live on her own. They have me stuck in a hard spot. I'm just pushing to be happy and healthy. That includes getting up and not sleeping all day. Today she refused to get up. I don't know what to do anymore. It's not like I get up from bed. So it's hard. All she wants to do is talk to her gf and play D&D. I want to cut the Internet but h won't let me do that either. He doesn't want his life harder but complaining about doing stuff for her. I don't want her gone. so I don't know why I almost did that. I thought I had an appointment with pdoc Monday but it's not for 3 weeks so I ordered my meds because I run out soon. I want to change meds because these aren't helping enough. Or they do and I'm seriously ****ed. We'll see. I don't want to end up in the hospital here. It's an unknown thing. I don't do well with unknown. I need to repair my relationship with Victoria but I don't know how. I'm so scared because she refuses to participate in the world. She said when she has money she will but I doubt it.

I'm afraid I'm a bit manic and twitchy right now. My husband keeps on telling me to SLOW DOWN. I took my afternoon anti-anxiety pills, including 200mg of seroquel, but it hasn't made me tired at all, just a bit woozy feeling. I'm currently laying down trying to rest a bit because I didn't sleep much last night.

I'm going full force on my weight loss goals! Made myself a healthy stir fry for lunch, had a bowl of bland oatmeal for breakfast, did a bit of cardio (plan on doing more later). Going full on vegan again, so no more cheese or yogurt. Which is fine. Won't miss either.

Husband and I bought a bottle of pink (I absolutely INSISTED it be pink!) champagne for our celebratory anniversary getaway on Sunday and some vegan chocolate (it's made with oat milk). Romance time! He owes me like five orgasms, so I hope he's prepared (sorry for the tmi lol). I plan on pouncing on him. I'm so excited for the concert too!!! I can't wait to see all three bands! This is going to be awesome! Our hotel is expensive, so they better have a good breakfast, with toast and jam, or something else vegan friendly.

I'm worried about our cats though while we're gone. I know it's just one night, but they're my babies!

Okay. I think I'm going to try resting my eyes for a bit. Maybe I'll doze off (probably not, but you never know!).

Oh, and the flapping fukks (aka birds) are back, except this year I have headphones so I can't hear their obnoxious chirping. HAHAHAHA. Take that bird fukkers!!!!

I took a Unisom and 2 dramamine last night and they knocked me out. I had some weird nightmares I can't remember but I slept from 7:30 to almost 5. I've been kinda tired today but the weather sucks. I'm on track with all my meds and my hunger has been fine. Besides the fact I had to calculate a venti matcha instead of a grande because I took the first one back because it looked someone had diarrhea in the cup. No joke. Instead of it being green it was dark brown. Some guy came in after us with the same drink and said it tasted awful. Dude why did you even try it in the first place... so they made the correct matchas and gave us ventis instead of grandes. So if you hear on the news about a disgruntled employee shitting in peoples coffee, its my Starbucks.

Anyways I think the wellbutrin is starting to work. I quit zero sugar and diet soda and I'm eating a lot less and the scale has moved 4 pounds. I feel less depressed and my anxiety is ok. I still don't have much energy.

My watch told me my stress level was too high this morning and I needed to relax but all I was doing was watching Awkafina on The Today Show. I was already sitting in bed. Idk how I got so stressed without feeling it.

So I called the pharmacy and it turns out I didn't even need to go through insurance because with insurance its $750. Without its $450 for a 3 month supply. That is still super expensive but better then $750. I hope its works out.

Hi everyone-it's been awhile. I hope you are all hanging in there/doing alright.

Surprisingly, I've been relatively stable. This is saying something because I'm currently on prednisone (a very small dose). We tried an antibiotic first because of how my mind responds to prednisone, but I got sick again as soon as the antibiotic was gone. Increasing my risperidone from .5 mg to 1 mg, along with some key coping strategies, is helping me decently manage the minor fluctuations prednisone is causing.

Things have actually been stable enough I managed to make it the whole month between pdoc appointments without having to call him! But...at my appointment this week I learned he's moving to a neighboring city. And, by Jan. 2025, is looking to be done working earlier in the day than he currently is. All great choices for him, but they might end up making it impossible for me to get to appointments after work now. I should be able to see him through July, but all is up in the air once the 2024-2025 school year starts in August. I absolutely HATE the thought of having to switch pdocs.

At my appointment, I asked my pdoc about what I've read in regards to risperidone/dizziness, light headedness, and low blood pressure since I still don't know what's causing these issues for me. He said he doesn't think that's what it is. I was going to get a dizziness test done but they said I'd have to stop taking all of my psych meds 48 hours before the procedure and that's not an option for how my brain works. Not to mention you aren't supposed to just quit psych meds cold turkey (which the audiologist agreed with when I pointed it out..). I'll sit with this info (just learned today) over the weekend and then go from there. Now, I'm really worried the neurologist I see at the end of the month is going to just blame my meds...

8 days til i say I do! 3 days til we get out apt keys! im stressing. went shopping tonight and tomorrow night im having dinner with some family and freinds for a sort of bachelorette party. idk even know how to change my name once were married next weeknd. lol i better start googling...

Two hours of sleep last night. Had a great dream I'm going to use for a flash fiction later today!! I'm excited! I was busy formatting one of my novels to self publish. Almost finished. I just took a couple of seroquel and thought it would be good for me to try and rest for a bit, even if I don't fall asleep. I don't mind resting and listening to music.

Once I'm done with my restful period I'm going to work on my flash fiction and then get more novel formatting done.

I love springtime, even with the chirping fukks c.outside. I always feel so rejuvenated and creative! I have to start a new novel. Except I have absolutely no idea at the present moment what it would be about. Probably about Becka and Six and Seven and Jasper. Going even darker.

Fudge though. I should probably call my pdoc. He's back from vacation (can't wait to see his man bun! Lol).

I'm just lazy today. I feel fine physically and mentally. I'm just a bit lethargic for some reason. I took 2 naps and ate normally. Theres really not much going on today.

I actually don't eat much if at all with my Geodon and I haven't had an issue and I've been on it since 2007. I know it still works because I feel weird when I skip a dose but I don't have an issue with not eating. Sometimes I'll even dry swallow it when theres no water around and it still is fine. Idk. I'm weird.

Ughhhj I don’t wanna go back to the shelter. I want to stay up all night and find someone who will shove some validation in my mouth. Trying to get a pair of glasses too but exams be expensive so my CMHC is trying to help me out with that somehow.

Pretty stable. The ups and downs weren't so bad today. Woke up at 4am and it's been tough for me to sleep through the night lately, so I hope that it doesn't lead to a manic episode. Scared of Easter coming up - I've been hospitalized almost every year around this time for the past 20 years. I'm doing okay, but some of these manic episodes come out of nowhere.

On the marriage license I believe you can change it on there.

I can't stress how much getting to sleep is for us. yes call your pdoc and make an appointment.
you sound really high .
bizi

not doing so well today

mothers day without a mother. it's hard. it really is

I feel like I'm on my soapbox today -- I've been following some internet mental health forums/reddit where so much misinformation is thrown around it's sickening (I don't mean this forum!). People speak with certainty about things they know demonstrate knowing nothing about and propogating fear in people. Just reminds me I need to get off the internet more often lol. [I know social media is essentially the same thing, but I dont use it much].

Other than that, I'm feeling OK today. Just a little bored.

Zero hours of sleep last night.

My husband wants to cancel our romantic anniversary getaway because he said I'm manic. I was like, "FUKK NO!!!" I don't want to cancel our trip! I've been looking forward to it for weeks! He's freaking me out. I'm FINE. I'm just really getting into my creative projects. I just took some seroquel. Hopefully I can get a nap in before my alarm goes off at eleven (still have to pack and stuff). I hope the seroquel makes me tired. Yesterday it just made me high, and my pm dose did absolutely nothing (I take 200mg before bed).

Seriously, at this point, I have to drastically DRUG myself in order to get any sleep!!!

But who needs sleep anyway? I have things to do! I have access to our Amazon account now because I'm self-publishing through kdp and could TOTALLY go on a shopping spree!!!!!!!! Oh! That would be fun! I'd REALLY get in trouble though, but do I feel like a bad girl or a good girl? I'll figure that out during my restful period!

I'm so happy right now I think I'm going to start crying. Omg!!!

I hope for a safe landing for you...

I'm doing well today. I actually pulled out a book last night for the first time all year and read several pages. My sleep was pretty much fine all night. Maybe from reading for a bit. My anxiety and moods have been fine today. I was getting kinda nauseated until I put on my glasses. I have an appointment with an ENT nurse practioner tommorow. I think I just need to wear my glasses all the time but they want to check my balance and do a hearing test. The hearing test is another appointment. Then my sister is coming over for dinner. I have a mini trip on Tuesday and coming back Wednesday. My new meds should arrive Thursday or Friday. Then I start that the following Tuesday. Then I have my eye exam on the 20th and my hearing test sometime later in the month. March will be busy. Tonight I'm trying out this sausauge egg casserole and also banana foster recipes for the crockpot.

I’m stupid lol. Walked 7 miles through the park and down the road hoping to catch a bus back to the library. It’s fking Sunday and there are no buses. 🙃

I told two of my friends about my BPD dx and n either of them were surprised. I’m a little offended haha. I feel like a ridiculously bad person. Stupid. Worthless. Evil. Unstable.

Pdoc appt Thursday. I seriously need to ask her how to tell the difference between Bpd mood swings and bipolar mood swings. I know bipolar lasts longer, but my T says BPD moods can last for a couple days too.

I feel like I’ve been extra impulsive lately but maybe I’m just more aware of fking up.

I just need the drs note by Thursday morning.