Bipolar Check-in #79

I don't appreciate your attitude., or your disdain and towards my feelings on the matter. I can very much tell you, whether you see merit in them or not, my feelings on the matter are far from irrelevant. Your disapproval of my methods really should be the only irrelevant thing here, but I'm addressing it anyway.

Please do not engage me with such rhetoric in the future. Not only is is untasteful to chastize someone while they are down, it's even worse you fail to even comprehend why I don't want a lawyer OR my clear intention of utilizing one if I continue.

I don't quite understand why you talk so matter of factly or as if you're an authority on the subject, but in the future -- you might want to reign in your judgements and harsh language if you want to get through to some people. All you did was turn me off from expressing myself on a mental health forum for awhile.

I hope you change your tone. You are down, but your being down is against your best interest. I did not chastise you and it is unfortunate that you perceived it this way. Now is not thr time to join you in your feeling down because doing so will only prolong your misery. It is your life and financial suffering, not mine, and I hope that you can one day appreciate that someone took enough care (and time from their day) to sound an alarm that your attitude, which might well itself be a symptom of your underlying illness, is causing you to sabotage your own wellbeing and ability to thrive. Immediately after posting, I send you a long pm with a lawyer recommendation. While I did not expect any unusual gestures of appreciation for it, I equally did not expect your tirade above. People on here have expressed sympathy for you but I went further and reminded you that you still have a chance to right your situation but you must act properly which requires changing the strategy which has proven unsuccessful. Isn't it a good example of the definition on insanity, acting in the same way but expecting different results?

You idea that you are not more or less disabled with a lawyer and hence should not get one, if extended to other areas of law, would mean that:

- a wrongfully terminated middle aged man who suspects age discrimination as the reason for his termination should not engage a competent labor lawyer in pursuing his claim against his former employer because he has not been discriminated more or less for the fact that he now has a lawyer

- a single mother struggling to feed and clothe her toddler should not engage a seasoned family lawyer who is willing to offer her a sliding scale in pursuing proof of paternity and child support claim against her wealthy ex boyfriend because that man is not more or less the father of her child for the fact that she is represented. No, she should get up at 4 in the morning to stand in line yo be seen at the free clinic for in pro per litigants offered by her local courthouse.

- a couple ruined by medical debts that have been caused by a major illness while being underinsired should not engage a bankruptcy attorney to help them file for Chapter 7 protection because their having a lawyer does not make them more or less deserving of a fresh start in life,

And so on and so forth.

As I hope you see, this is not even about feelings - no, you are on faulty ground in terms of your basic reasoning. SSDI law is full of technical knowledge that is very hard for an in pro per claimant to obtain. It is not a show of weakness yo engage a lawyer. Moreover, given what probably is a sheer volume of your medical records, what with (I am making an assumption here) multiple inpatient stays, multiple prescribers, possibly multiple attempts to work that turned out to be false starts, just managing getting records properly from each source and presenting these records probably is a daunting task... way too daunting for a truly mentally disabled individual.

I thought more about your situation after PMing you yesterday and tried yo place myself in the shoes of your ALJ who sees this self represented claimant in front of her who persists in being self represented, failure after failure, even though it is common knowledge that getting a lawyer involves zero out ofnpocket outlays up front. And yet this person claims to be medically disabled to the point of being able to hold ANY job (that is thr standard for SSDI, unlike for private disability coverage where the standard has to do initially with the ability to hold a job similar to the one the claimant has before). So he claims to be completely disabled and yet he manages his whole case alone, doing research, making filings etc.? That would make sense to me as a judge if the disability claimed were purely somatic and di not involve emotions, cognition, motivation, executive functioning, social adaptation and the like. But somewhere there you claim severe deficits in some of the above listed areas which is inconsistent with the ability to represent self. I would be indredulous as a judge.

Plus, there is overall a strong bias against self represented people among the judiciary. It very well might be unfortunate but it is a fact to contend with.

So I thought of further telling you that you are harming your case by appearing in pro per before the ALJ because the judge sees you as a high functioning individual whose very behavior in court does not support his own claim of disability.

If you search this forum and the forum on insurance and finances, you will see that people on here who actually got approved for disability mostly found the preparation of their case overwhelming and hired lawyers to help them. If they found it overwhelming, why do you have such high standards for yourself that you must be a lone wolf, a hero who fights for his rights without enlisting any support? Isn't this attitude illogical and an example of self sabotage? I would go even further and wonder if this is sort of extremely passive "checking out of life", a symptom of severe depression. So I thought I would give you this feedback.

Contrary to the claim in your tirade, I did not show disdain or invalidation of your feelings. I expressly stated that you can continue feeling these feelings no problem, they are just a faulty ground for decision making, if you want to reach your goal.

Then again, maybe you do not depend on SSDI income and your methods suit you because you have fallback sources of income, that I do not know. I was writing to you assuming that you are in dire straits and that you have an irrational and possibly illness-relates attitude that sabotages your plans and harms you in the long term and that can be corrected without any "stop feeling your feelings" admonitions. Feelings are what they are, we very often cannot change them and stop feeling them, but we do not have to base behavior and strategy on them. Otherwise, taken to its logical extreme, your expectation of what your fellow mental health support forum should do would extend to joining a suicidal person in their suicidal feelings, commiserating with them but never telling them yo go to psych ER right away to avoid irreparable harm.

You wrote that everyone told you to get a lawyer. Did that everyone, too, become an object of your angry speech? Did you not see that they were trying to help you?
...

I knew a software engineer who died alone of drug overdose even though everything was going well for him and he was an independently wealthy early retiree thanks to early stock options in a company that made headlines. He could live wherever he wanted, do whatever he wanted, etc. I was shocked and puzzled by his death. Some years after it I had lunch with his former girlfriend who had remained his friend after their romantic breakup. She explained to me that this (relatively young) man had friends in Ireland, a libertarian couple, who had a great influence on him and who made it impossible for other friends, those sounding an alarm about his illicit drug use, to try to intervene. Their philosophy was that as a competent individual, he had the right to do whatever he wanted with his life, even though that behavior would ultimately kill him. They did not endorse any interventions, any help, any addiction treatment, anything. When he died of an accidental overdose, his ex girlfriend and local friends gathered in celebration of his short life and shared how helpless they felt because he would not accept any offers of support. The couple in Ireland felt content that their friend got to live the life the way he wanted, using the drugs that he wanted, without interference from others in his individual choices.

So, I am not like them and I tried to intervene by showing you that you are acting irrationally and against your best interest and that you can still change your strategy without changing your feelings to which you are, of course, entitled.

If this still falls on deaf ears, you are welcome to put me on your ignore list.

@Tart Cherry Jam kinda a dumb question, but are you a bot on this site? All your posts are in such a matter of fact phoned in tone like you are talking from a computer and you say you live in Silicone Valley. You also never talk about your own issues or family or personal life. You just try to help out other people.

Idk. I was just wondering.

Anyway.

So I've been getting plenty of sleep 😴. Yawn. I'm excited because I just got two fiction submissions for the ezine and loved them both! Yay! The April issue is going to be AWESOME. I may not even have to post one of my own stories. Lol. Thank god. 😊

So I'm very happy.

Still have no idea what I want to write a novel about. Hoping I come up with something soon. I'm sure I will. Just a matter of time.

Hope everyone is having a fantastic week. Hugs to all!

I haven't shaved in 4 days, which is pretty rare for me. Just don't feel up to it.

Second day on Vraylar, no tiredness or other effects, but it's still early. It's half life is over 500 hours!

They say it takes 2 weeks to get to what's called "full occupancy" where it sets up shop in the D2 and D3 receptors. It sounds interesting, I hope it helps.

@Scooter9

I hope it helps too!

Yesterday was pretty rough physically. I was feeling sick and nauseated with the strep stuff. I did get my comforter and blankets washed and other stuff in my room disinfected. Around 4 I felt like I was going to throw up so I knew I couldn't eat for the rest of the day. Or even really drink anything. So I took melatonin and fell asIeep. This morning I'm still not hungry but I don't think I'm sick much really. My mom asked if I wanted Chipotles for dinner last night. Lol.

Married life suits me just fine. I love waking up with him next to me and today he even made me breakfast. I like having my own apartment too as i like just being alone sometimes. i do miss granny though. im visiitng her today.

Yes, I do know CBT very well. It is much more than people generally think. They think it is easy, but it isn't. Neither is it an old-fashioned method that was only used in the 70-ties and 80-ties. It has grown and is still in development.

I have found out (by my GP) that I have physical disease (not dangerous for the time being). That physical disease makes me tired.

I feel more relaxed now when I know that my tiredness is physical and that I will become slowly better as time goes.
Not only that, but I will not be 100 % well before my vacation, but still well enough to enjoy my vacation.

I will continue with CBT and the meds for my physical disease.

Thank you Moose!

May be it is wise to get that lawyer. It's about the system. (When you are able to represent yourself, may be they think that that shows you are strong enough to work).

Wish you well!

I am sorry to hear this! Hope you will be able to help.

Today is a much better day than it has been. I have been going through the grieving process of letting my husband go. Some days are better than others. I still miss that validation that I used to seek from him. I am sure that will fade over time. I know I am much better on my own than I was when I was with him. Haven't felt symptomatic in a long time, except when I was in my low on Wednesday when I couldn't get out of bed. I hope that eventually passes too.

Woke up today and put on makeup and went to work. I made a really nice sale today in the store, and I hope the rest of the day is just as productive. Bought the diet supplement GOLO I've seen advertised on TV and I am going to try it out.

I think the antibiotic is kicking my butt. I'll stay on it but my stomach feels so full and I've had like less than 900 calories since 4AM. I can't force myself to eat because I throw up so easily these days. Its not ED stuff, its just a super sensitive stomach. Maybe its the wellbutrin or the new med my endocronolgist has me on. Today I took the second one. It clicked very easily and there was no issue with pain. I said to my mom "did it all come out of the pen?" Since auto injectors are so painless its like it doesnt even come out. My mom went agaisnt the rules and threw it in the garbage. I'm like you can't do that. And she said "theres no needle visble." Whatever with her sometimes.

Tommorow is my cousins wedding shower and I am not invited because wedding showers are only for women and my family is very accepting of me and who I am. So I plan on just watching TV all day.

I'm allergic to penicillin so I can't take amoxicillion. There are other antibiotics @Mountaindewed if amoxicillion doesn't agree with you.

Still so damn TIRED. Slept from 10PM until 4AM, then took a morning nap and am just laying down for another nap. Had my appointment with my therapist this afternoon. She was all like, "You were so talkative last week! What's going on?" I told her I was high and now I'm falling back down to normal levels. And that I was, yawn 🥱, tired. She seemed surprised because I was on the phentermine. She expected my sleep to worsen. But, nah, it hasn't. I want to sleep for a whole week. 😴

She's going to my next pdoc appointment on the third, which is fine. I don't care. I want to talk to that man about going on a small dose of wellbutrin. I think he should be cool with my suggestion. He's normally up for my suggestions. I like that about him. He suggests things. I suggest things. It's not just him saying, "I'M PUTTING YOU ON THIS..." without even asking if I'm cool with it.

Got another submission for the ezine. Yay! Haven't read this one yet. I hope it's good. Fingers crossed.🤞

@Mountaindewed I've never heard just a good reason to be excluded from something! Enjoy your day.

I just started amoxicillin today for a urinary infection and am dreading side effects. I can't remember if amoxicillin is a problem for me or not. I can't remember the last time I was on it but I have an uncommon bacteria and it responded to this so I'm on it. Hopefully you'll feel better soon.

@HALLIEBETH87 Congratulations on your wedding! I'm glad you are settling into married life and that you like the apartment. Such simple pleasures....

Thanks.!!! It was a gorgeous wedding ceremony. We went to stay in a teepee for the wedding night then explored my down under where I got to hand feed and pet kangaroos!!!

I love being married

Well, I am no longer married, and I am mourning it. These four walls get lonely, but I am happy that I am free.

Finally after 2+ months, I got a brush through my hair. I thought I was going to have to cut it again. I used a cream for matted hair. Smells horrible but works. Now if we can get Victoria to use it on her hair. Our weeks are spent trying to convince her to work on school stuff. Weekends are playing catch up for work she didn't do for the week. I'm still not getting out of bed a lot. I was on the phone when my sister's dog slipped and he had to be put down. Now my dog is the only one left out of the 4. She's 14, it happened really fast. Really bothers me because I spend all day with my dog. H is not taking Victoria's situation well wants to blame her girlfriend. But I think it's just Victoria. And doesn't like that it's not monogamous. Within 8 months she's been through so much. And she's not looking at her future. I wish I had someone I could talk to honestly but I have no t.

I've crashed now. Officially depressed 😔. Wishing I wouldn't have published my four novels and seven short stories in the span of four days. 😢 Feeling like maybe it was a mistake, but if I hadn't been hypo I never would have done it. I just wish I hadn't been so hasty I guess or I don't know. No one is going to read them anyways. I'm a complete FAILURE. Waiting on an author interview for the ezine. She agreed to do it and is an old friend of mine but she's "made" it and is probably too big now for our little ezine so I doubt I'll get any answers back from her. I'm complete failure scum.

Can't even get out of bed today. Just got up to have some fruit and tea and type in my journal. Going on a seroquel binge, which I know is bad. I'm getting a refill on the first though. Haven't gotten my fat *** in the shower. Haven't brushed my teeth. Gross.

Our daughter is on spring break now, and on Monday we're going on a little mini vacation. Husband and daughter wanted to go to House on the Rock and I was like HELL NO. I've been to that creepy ***, demented and sinister place twice and never want to go back there again!!!! I am sorry for being a stick in the mud but just NO. So they can go. I'm not. We're seeing caves too. Caves are cool. I'm up for caves. Caves don't give me FUKKED UP DREAMS. Just hopefully the weather is nice..