Bipolar Check-in #79

happy birthday crazy hitch. and many more trips around the sun!
bizi

I am constantly having eye drainage.The corners of each eye drain and crust over. I think this is a symptom of dry eyes.but tonight I did not notice this maybe it will just go away and silently as it came on.
Maybe I am just blinking more often???

I bought some sketchers shoe that you can put on with out using your hands. they just let you slip them on.

I think I like them I have been wearing them for the past few hours.
these are size 9.5. and felt comfortable when I put them on I really needed new shoes.
bizi

The only pleasure i got out of this whole day was roughhousing with my dog.

Not sure what happened but I found myself in West Virginia no phone no wallet barely any clothes with some dude with many a track mark. Back in NH doing one night stands every night on the way back til now just for a warm body and a bed. Shelter won’t take me back because I guess before I left I called the lady that runs the place some nasty stuff.

Idk where to go from here. The only time I feel wanted or appreciated is in bed, and then I just wake up with “get away or get attached and hurt.” Nobody has ever really been able to tolerate me.

I’m not living. Any day is the end of my days of surviving.

I think I’m going to go to the hospital and get checked out physically. Since I checked back into reality I’ve been vomiting blood still, but now it’s involuntary

So I took Vraylar last night and I'm still very sleepy this morning. Coffee doesn't help - I've had 3 cups in just a couple of hours and I'm very sleepy.

That, plus the Seroquel hangover. I slept 4.5 hours last night, which seems to be about average for me these days.

Feeling really good about trying to come off of some of these meds. My doctor is going on vacation for three weeks, so I have to wait all the way till May to see what she says, but I am going to cut back a little here and there and see how I feel. I am confident that bipolar wasn't always me, and that I shouldn't define my life by it anymore.

I called my insurance yesterday and through them was able to get the number of a nurse. She suggested based on my symptoms to go to immediate care for an ultrasound. That was around 5PM and I was tired and still throwing up and I just wanted to get to sleep.

I took 2 Aleve around midnight and this morning I woke up feeling great. I ate a pesto tortellini frozen meal because I was starving. I kept that down along with a couple Dr. Peppers. Then I got a non coffee drink from the coffee shop.

About 15 minutes ago I got bad heartburn so I took a Pepcid and tried sitting up more and I ate a piece of toast. I then threw up in the toilet. But it seems to have been more from the heartburn because I'm still not in much of any stomach pain.

But yeah, I think I'm cured and then I'm not... at least I kept some stuff down and I'm not having the type of pain I was having yesterday.

I've thrown up some more but I don't feel sick or in pain or anxious. I'm just a bit tired right now.

Now I'm in pain and I took an extra zofran and an extra pantropazole so hopefully they do something.

Waiting for the delivery person to call so they can bring me my Ingrezza. They should be here between now and 7 tonight.

Edit: they just dropped it off.

They saw I was all roughed up and did a lot of testing really quickly. Suspected Mallory Weiss tear (cause of vomiting blood), iron deficiency anemia, only what I can describe as “really fked up electrolytes,” tested positive for many a drug, still a kidney infection, MRSA in some lacerations that should’ve been stitched but too late now, and gonorrhea. I’ve got a bed for an IV with like seven different meds. If the tear doesn’t heal itself soon I might need to have it surgically repaired. I am so disconnected from myself and the world that all I know is I want to sleep forever.

I'm so torn about what to do to get/keep my mood stable. I get stable and the hormones come and ruin it all. All week, coworkers talked about how different my behavior was on Monday, I'm still super irritable, and definitely depressed. Heck, for a moment I was even tempted to rear end the person who cut me off as he was driving out of a parking lot...I'm going to take an extra .5 mg risperidone for a few days to see if that helps.

Awhile back, I had written a post saying I was wondering if using birth control to help manage my moods would be worth it. The reason I'm so torn, and really feel like I'm at a loss, is because I feel like I have to choose between either my mental health or adding to a list of physical health stuff with any side effects I'd get. I've also heard that, sometimes, when people start birth control it has a pretty negative impact on their mental health so I'm also worried it might help keep the bipolar symptoms at bay but but make depression and/or anxiety symptoms worse.

What to do...what to do...?

June08 - some people take like prozac for just two weeks out of the month, for PMDD.

Yesterday I didn't eat dinner. So I woke up this morning around 1 and I was super hungry so at 1:30 I ate a 3oz bag of Bugles between 1:30-2. Which is 3 servings. I fell back asleep and I woke up at 6 and started puking for about an hour without much of a break. Then I felt better. I ate an early lunch which is just sitting on my stomach but so far its been fine. I'm tired today and a bit down for some reason.

I fell asleep pretty soundly for 40 minutes or so. It didn't really do much.

Dewed - feeling emotionally better after puking is how bulimia gets to be an addiction. It's reinforcement. But you probably already knew that. I hope you are rinsing your mouth after these occurrences so the stomach acid doesnt affect your teeth long-term.

I already asked my therapist about bulimia and she says I don't have it. She says not being able to keep anything down at all isnt considered an eating disorder. Plus I'm hardly even eating let alone binging.

Actually I took 2 Aleve this morning because my right leg felt like it had a blood clot or something in it. the muscle aches were what woke me up. Not hunger.

I'm tired and cranky but I've kept pretty much everything down after the bugels despite my stomach hurting.

Feeling a little better but don’t want to jinx myself. Still anxious about work this coming week so there’s that still lingering in the background….
Going for lunch today at my partner’s folks place. She’s a great cook so looking forward to lunch.
Washed dried and straightened my hair this morning so at least there’s that accomplished for the week.

Feeling better today - was really sad earlier this morning because I was feeling like a failure because of my ex. I got myself out of bed, got dressed up and got myself to an AA meeting and shared. I also went to Zaxby's and treated myself to another one of their amazing salads.

I ended up talking to a lot of my friends on the phone today - wanted to catch up with them, and just vent - it felt pretty good.

Going to remember my gratitude list, and try to remember all my blessings, because this relationship doesn't define me, I have more of my life to live.

Tmi, but it's that time of the month and it's worse than usual and I blame the morning after pill I had to take. All men have to do is worry about their dicks. (No offense men.) They don't have to worry about hormones or breast cancer or periods or pregnancy or PMMD!!! All they have to worry about is where they can stick their ****. I'm making my fcking husband go to the store this morning and buy me lady products. It's HIS fault I'm in this predicament. All he had to say was, "I'm sorry! He really liked you that night!" I didn't even get off. So BOOHOO. Stupid morning after pill. I'm DYING here.

And to make matters worse there's a nationwide shortage of laxatives so I haven't been able to get my milk of magnesia. The entire shelf was EMPTY. I've never seen anything like it! So I'm in excruciating pain AND I can't fcking POOP!!! UGH!!!!

Well my electrolytes are in a good spot and they’re doing an endoscopy later to see what’s going on with my tear. If all is good they’re gonna send me home and expect me to come back every day for the IV antibiotics. They had me talk to a psych earlier and she put me on the waitlist for the CMHC that is I guess 3 months long for intake.

Edit: For some reason my dads dealer texted me asking where my dads at, saying it’s weird he hasn’t heard from him (father) in a couple weeks and he(dealer) is pissed because my dad screwed him over. I’m looking for obits or his name in the local news.

I'm doing pretty good today. Last night I was so tired. I'm off my weekly shot for 2 weeks because my doctor wanted to see if the new kind was causing me to throw up. So its just been about 2 weeks and I'm feeling low in energy from being off it. Anyways I fell asleep around 7 and I woke up at 5:20. I ate the berry stuffed french toast my mom brought back from Dennys last night and then I felt this strange physical shift in me like my blood pressure was dropping so I went and got a soda and then I threw up everything. After that I passed out until 8:54.

Now I feel better. I got an iced latte and its stayed down but I haven't had any food since 5:20. I'm going to make some rice soaked in chicken broth for dinner.

But my anxiety and moods are really good today. My stomach feels a bit iffy but if I just don't eat then I'm ok.

I ate a beef jerky stick an hour ago and just now puked it up. Ok. So food really is an issue.

Update: now I'm all down in the dumps because my stomach hurts and I feel like this is never ending.

How does someone throw up a cup of rice soaked in chicken broth? I didn't even drink anything with it and I took a zofran half an hour before eating. I feel like I rotated one of my back teeth from throwing up so much. It feels weird.

Still out of laxatives. My husband bought me some prune juice which isn't helping. I have really bad stomach cramps from not being able to poop on top of excruciating menstrual cramps!!!! I just want to curl up in a fcking fetal position right now. I feel like I'm fcking dying!! I have a new novel idea brewing in the back of my mind. Have the first line planned out already. I'm pretty pissed off at men at the moment. My first line is going to be: "All men have to do is worry about their dicks."

Have the plot figured out, the characters, just need to figure out events. It's in the newborn stages of development. My husband was all like, "People are going to think we have an awful relationship because you hate men so much!!!" Whatever. Who gives a ****. Men can kiss 💋 my fat ***.