Bipolar Check-in #79

Still depressed 😔... but working on getting better. I decided I can't just sleep my life away, so I made myself get up and go on a walk with my husband. He was delighted. It was a little hot out, but I'm happy I made myself get up and go on a walk even if I didn't want to. Going to make it a goal to get out and do something everyday.

Now I just have to get my fat *** in the shower!

Doctor's office never called me back. Wasn't expecting them to, so it's not like it wasn't unexpected or anything. I have an appointment next week anyways.

So I'm running out of meds. Insurance denied the med change and the Dr isn't in until Monday. I have 2 days left of my antidepressant. I have 20 days left of lower dose latuda. I'm supposed to be on 120 but I'm on 80. The Zoloft makes me run to the bathroom though. My mom gave me money for art supplies and I spent it on food. I can't tell her that because it's not what it was meant for. So I'm hoping money comes soon so I can fix it.

Just another amazing day - so many good days to count, but all of it came crashing down when I met with my sponsor today. We originally met when I was homeless, and I was still visiting my husband in the psych hospital two years ago when I had such a plan for our lives. I cried so much today, even though so many good things happened.

She explained that this is what grief really is. I lost my grandmother in 2013, and I never really grieved. I didn't grieve for my marriage either. Just because I am filling my life with wonderful people and things, I never addressed the loss and pain, and it just exploded on me today. Just overwhelming sadness.

I miss Giovanni - he loved me SO much, he engulfed me completely in love - and as damaged as we were, we truly embraced tenderness and companionship. Our brokenness is what made our love so strong, and it's so tragic that I literally see this man's face and hear his voice at night because I remember him kissing me on my forehead at night when I slept. And when I wake up these days, I still feel the tears because I've been crying in my sleep.

It will take time, and my sponsor reminded me today to be patient and let myself heal, and most of all just give myself a break.

I'm doing decently today. I just got my anxiety under control. I got out of the house for once without an issue. I threw up a couple times before I left and once when I got back. I was fine while I was out. Both with my stomach and my anxiety. My hunger has been weird and I can't make up my mind on what I wanted to get for lunch. My mom was offering Red Lobster and Buffalo Wild Wings. I'm just not really in the mood for heavy food at the moment. I took an Aleve so I'm not in pain though. Mainly I'm just a bit tired today.

Hello hello. I’m struggling so I asked my therapist if we could meet this week instead of next week. This is the first time I’ve requested an earlier appointment in probably three years. But the mood swings, paranoia, anger, irritability is too much to deal with and I need to talk to her. So I have an appointment with her in like 2 hours from now. I only slept 2 hours total. I’m skipping y my meds left and right. Because I started vaping THC and taking edibles 2 weeks ago and I keep convincing myself I can go off my meds and just use weed to cope instead since it doesn’t have as many bad side effects as meds. (I’ve been struggling longer than that so I don’t think it’s that that’s causing it) I’m not sure if I should bring up the THC vaping/edible use to my therapist or psychiatrist? I feel like it’s not relevant and it’s also completely legal here. But at the same time I don’t want to hide anything from them and be honest. I took an edible for the first time last night. It was a different experience than smoking. It hit me 2 hours after I took it and I had kind of a meltdown and panic attack where I was convinced I couldn’t breathe and that I was dying and that my brain was melting and I was afraid I’d go crazy or die. My boyfriend talked me through it though and it was fine after that. It was just a loooot stronger than I expected especially for such a low dose. But I’m still feeling it to an extant and I took it at 7:30pm last night and it’s a little after 2pm right now.

Depression-wise I'm feeling a bit better I think. I took a shower. I made myself go out for lunch and take a walk with my husband. Taking a shower had been my number one goal for the day. My sleep has gotten bad again though. I REALLY wish my doctor's office had called me back. I can't help feeling like my psychiatrist just doesn't care, which I know is unfounded because the man only works one day out of the week for Pete's sake! He's probably swamped! I should have called my case manager/therapist and seen if there was anything she could do.

It's times like this when I really miss my old case manager! 😪 He would have made sure I got a med adjustment for my anxiety last week!

Also, tmi, but it's about a week before that time of the month for me and I'm so emotional 😭 😭 😭 .

Just a bit melancholy today - went to Walmart, (which I HATE), and just realized, I have the freedom to buy whatever I want, and take as long as I want in the store. I don't know it felt freeing yet lonely at the same time.

I have therapy in a few minutes - not sure what I'm going to say but my heart still feels heavy - why is it that when everything is going so well, we choose to focus on the one thing that's not? Why do humans do that? I think about all those billionaires, movie stars, rock stars that are loved and adored by so many - they have everything they could ever hope for, but they are the most tortured? I am not saying I am in league with people like that, but I kind of feel like I am just making myself miserable for no reason. How long does it take for a broken heart to heal anyway?

The nurse I spoke with from my insurance a couple weeks ago called again about an hour ago. Shes really nice. She is really determined to get this issue under control. She wants me to call her after my appointment on Tuesday in case she needs to do anything.

She also suggested I drink Ensure to give me more energy. I think? It would do that. I just have to be careful with the calories.

I didn't get any food. Instead I ate an Atkins turkey and mashed cauliflower meal then threw up some of the cauliflower. I'm glad I didn't waste $30 on food.

They keep talking about "flushing a turd down the toilet." On the news and I'm just like "wtf."

Was just checking my voice mails. My doctor's office DID call me back today. He increased my gabapentin dose back up to 800mgx4. THANK GOD! 😊

Heard from Giovanni's mom today. He hasn't mentioned me at all. He still claims that his drug binges are just "going to hang out once a month" and it's not a big deal. He hasn't changed his ways at all. All this pain I've been feeling seems so wasted and stupid. Glad I made this decision.

My cholesterol came down 90 points after using red yeast rice and co q 10 and niacin combo. I take an additional coq 10.
very happy about this, so no statins! Yay!
It lowered my LDL and triglycerides as well The onl thing that showed up on my report was that I have a uti....I don't think so .....Diarrhea . the test was contaminated.

bizi

I'm feeling a little on top of the world this evening. I have a feeling/am hoping that this is simply from the fact that I am still learning to regulate regular emotions so something I'm proud of/happy about is spinning out of control. Hopefully, things will be fine after I get some sleep. That, or maybe my brain is overcompensating to try and cover my anxiety since that has increased again since my mom (who is a large part of why I need counseling) unexpectedly sent something in the mail for teacher appreciation week. My body language at work has screamed "anxious!" for well over a month at this point-maybe two.

Side note: I don't know how those of you with kids do it. The amount/variety of feelings I have towards, and how much I care about, my students is wild (in a good way) and they aren't even my own kids. Shout out to all of you (and lots of support) as you balance life with caring for your kids (no matter how old they are). And, if anyone on here has ever lost a child or have a tough relationship with them, I am so sorry.

When tf did I start getting hangovers? Oh, probably because I actually stopped drinking at some point.

I’m going to the Yolk for breakfast. It’s basically the “I need something greasy and a drink” for breakfast.

Didn’t cancel my therapy appointment so I guess I’m going.

I'm throwing up a lot today but I have energy and I'm not in pain or anxious. So I still have no idea what that means. But I was able to take a shower, and my moods are fine, and I haven't needed a valium yet.

As long as I don't have monster pain or nausea then I'm good.

Right now I feel ok with my meds and the doses I'm on. But I haven't thrown them up in a couple days...

I got my closet organized and I'm washing my blankets. Its national clean your room day.

Does anyone else hate that Clear Choice commercial where people are eating food all sloppy and goofy and waving it in front of the camera because they can eat now? Idk it always gets on my nerves for some reason.

Husband took me on a hike through the woods today. Part of it was up a VERY long and steep hill with like a MILLION stone steps. I felt like I was dying! Not only am I out of shape but I've ruined my lungs by vaping for Pete's sake. Halfway up we stopped so I could catch my breath and I turned to my husband and said, "Husband, I hate you." And he responded with, "What? You're the one who said you wanted to shed some pounds!"

Asshole! Lol

Of course he was completely unphased by this awful hill with the bazillion stone steps!!

Oh, and he expects me to do it AGAIN on Monday... I was like FUKK NO.

Feeling a bit blue today which is unusual it’s a Saturday and I’ve got no work. Taking my son for swimming lessons today then going to the mall to pick up eyeliner because mine will run out soon. Maybe the retail therapy will serve me well.

This week at work wasn’t as bad as others. I mean my classes have been worse in the past so I should be thankful for small blessings!

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and we’re going out to a cafe with my partner’s family. Hopefully that will cheer me up!

My stomach hurts. I've eaten very lightly for two days, less than 1000 calories a day. It feels sour. I don't feel hungry. I can only digest bland carbs, like Cheerios (no milk). Well, since i'm so very overweight it's not an emergency. Maybe it's even a good thing -- i'll finally lose weight, tho it's uncomfortable.

Hugs to all who need them!

Been completely cheating on my diet, and I am still battling with the same two pounds I have been battling with even when I was dieting. Makes no flippin sense. I feel really close with this girl I met an event two months ago; we have been grieving together for our lost loves. She actually left a guy around the same time Giovanni left 5 months ago. We both love our guys so much, and it's so nice to talk to someone who doesn't say "it's over, move on already"

Was at the new store today and it was SO exhausting. My feet hurt so bad from standing on them for 8 hours- there are no chairs in the store yet. Thank God I invested in some Skechers Slip-ons a month ago, they were $100 but they are totally worth it, they are the most comfortable shoes I've ever owned - perfect for this new location. I have had so much anxiety about how crazy busy this mall is and all the traffic around it, but I found a side street into the lower-level parking lot near one of the main entrances, which made things a lot easier. Traffic is total bananas when I get out at 6pm, but it's okay, it just reminds me of NYC all over again, lol. But all in all, it was a really exciting day at the new store. Can't wait for the Candle Studio to be built in the back so I can start teaching people how to make their own candles! It's going to be so much fun!

Symptoms wise I'm really good - it's been a month since I stopped taking my morning meds, and I'm functioning better than usual. That daytime sleepiness is virtually gone.

I went to blick and had a meltdown. I had to spend x on myself and I didn't know what to get. I finally got 2 sketch books, pastels, watercolor paper, pens, and a pencil. We went to 2 different places because there was no parking. The lots were $60 parking so we went out side the city. Traffic was crazy. I guess I'm going to color tomorrow. Gotta finish my nephew's picture.

I'm sorry about the meltdown, but I hope you can put the art supplies to good use

I wanted to say $60 parking would make me gtfo of that area though I think when I had access to it and was sleeping in it, I parked in a garage it cost not even $25 for the whole week.

I didn't take my stomach med today. And I'm not throwing up and my stomach feels normal for the first time in a couple weeks. I've had coffee and an Ensure and a couple sodas and I just threw up a bit of bile before the coffee, but thats it. My stomach feels almost normal.

I know I was put on this med when I saw my new doctor sometime in like March. And shortly after that was when I started puking everyday all day. I'm wondering if thats the issue? The increase in Zofran is helping though.

I've also started drinking Ensure and that **** is as good as a med increase. I have so much more energy. I've gotten my closet cleaned, taken a shower, and now I'm doing laundry. My mom and I went out at 10PM last night to look for the northern lights.

So now I'm kinda wondering if it was my pantropaloze causing the vomiting all along?

Pantoprazole can definitely cause vomiting.

Glad the Ensure is helping, that stuff is pretty good for providing nutrients you have trouble getting through food. I pretty much lived off of those during paranoia episodes that made me think food was poisoned, and carnation instant breakfast hot chocolates (less calories but less nutrients, but the same idea as Ensure and Boost) when I was on the track to dying from restriction.

Just feeling really good. Having a really clean house and clean environment can really help boost the mood. I woke up in so much pain and had to push through and clean all my sheets. I couldn't go to the gym but thank goodness my gym partner is so understanding. I also cancelled lunch with my friend. I don't know what it was, but I got a sudden burst of energy after I took some aspirin and cleaned my whole house from top to bottom even going outside and cleaning off all the cobwebs. I shouldn't let it get that bad.

All I know is, I am sitting here with the windows wide open and so much fresh air coming in. I feel really good, and I really hope I get to see the Northern Lights because I missed them last night. That would just be the perfect end to a perfect day. I am glad I didn't just stay in bed all day today because I was in pain.

I'm hoping I get a chance to see the Northern Lights tonight too. Too much light pollution here and no car, but might get together with a buddy or however many we can cram into whoever's wheels we're taking.

Starting to feel better too. Honestly, I think obsessively looking at a guitar pick my partner gave me, and rereading some texts from them that just kinda tell me they think of me when I'm not there are helping. Not doing anything crazy with the substances for three or so weeks helps significantly too.

So I have some good news and bad news...

The good - my anxiety is way down. I take Klonopin just 1-2 times a week now. Vraylar seems to be working

The bad - my legs and feet are swelling up, I found out that it's the Vraylar is doing it. I contacted my pdoc but she's not in until Tuesday.

Otherwise, I'm hanging on, trying not to go too low.